Harder truths
We left the hospital together; he had parked his car in the garage, but I refused to wait and took the long walk with him. He didn't say anything, but he walked with me, his arm just slightly around me, probably wanting to be sure I didn't fall. He opened the door to his large SUV, letting me get in first. He walked around, getting in the driver's seat, turning the ignition. We sat there for a while; the car starting to cool a bit as the AC kicked in.
"You okay over there? It's awfully hot out today." He said, putting the car into gear, slowly pulling out.
"I'm okay." I responded plainly.
We drove for a bit. The evening traffic was worse than usual, so we were barely moving now. "What happened out there today? How'd you end up in there?" His tone was caring, very somber now.
I took a moment, trying to find the right words. After everything we had been through, I didn't know if another lie was going to help. Was there no one in this world I could just be honest with? "I just got out of my therapy session. I was already really worked up. She grilled me about you and it had me reeling... That's when Madison sent me the picture."
He nodded his head. "So, that upset you more." He kept his eyes on the road as we drove.
"It did. And I may have been so distracted, I missed the bus. Hence the walking in the heat like I was."
"You could have called me. I would have came, and picked you up." He offered, as I continued.
"I had no right to be as angry as I was, Drew." I said, feeling my body tense up.
He sat for a moment, leaving the tension in the air, before he spoke, "I can't say it's unreasonable for you to be upset about the picture, but I hate that you didn't think you could talk to me about it."
Why didn't I confront him about it? Was I secretly hoping it was real? The mark on my neck burned again, causing me to shudder. I never felt like I couldn't talk to Drew. He has been the closest thing to a proper friend I've had; a confidant even, "I was irrational, caught up in my emotions."
We pulled off the main road, heading opposite of the apartment. He spoke quietly, "I don't think you should go home tonight. Come back to my place with me."
My heart fluttered. "Why?"
He clenched the steering wheel roughly. "I don't want to see Madison, and I don't want to leave you alone. So, if you come with me, I can keep an eye on you and not have to see that cunt."
"You're not giving me much of a choice, huh?" I questioned, half joking.
"Nope." he smirked at me momentarily before turning his attention back to the road.
The traffic was unrelenting, only making it a few blocks towards his place. I knew where he lived, but I hadn't been to his place since he moved. He would always come to me, so I was curious about what it would be like. My stomach was still in knots, my mind racing. "I'm sorry." I blurted.
He didn't look at me, instead he kept looking forward. "I know, lass, I know."
It's like I could see he couldn't manage to stay angry with me. He forgave me that quickly. Emotions welled up, my eyes flooded with tears. "I didn't think I was good enough to deserve you. A part of me wanted it to be true, so then you could be happy."
He turned and stared at me now, pulling the car to the side of the road. "All I want is to be happy with you. If I had another girl, I never would have kissed you last night. And yes, it upsets me that you would think I would do that to you."
The emotions in his voice burned into me. "I should have known better. You have been absolutely amazing to me all this time, and I was so insecure, I fucked it up."
He shook his head. "It's complex Kavi, I don't know what to do to prove to you that you're all I want; when I heard you were hurt, I just" He took a deep breath, "I don't know if I've ever felt so scared in my life. And hurt. And just" He stopped, slamming his hands again, "Why can't you trust me?" He looked into my eyes, a bit of pain radiating through me. He grabbed my hands, holding them tight. The mark on my neck vibrated this time, something I had not felt before.
"I don't know if I can. There's something in my head telling me I can't trust anyone, not even myself. No matter how hard I try, it won't go away." The tears flowed now, unable to hide.
He released my hands, "You've come so far physically, but maybe you're just not as healed as I thought you were." Pausing, he let go of my hands, "Maybe it is best we just keep things friendly."
I shook my head, a little relieved, but hurt. I desperately wanted to be with him, but the idea of risking what we have for sex... Anxiety rolled through me just at the thought. I knew my face must have flushed. "I wish it could be different."
"Yeah," he said quickly, "some truths are hard to accept."
He turned the car around, heading back towards Madison's apartment. We spent the rest of the ride in silence. I couldn't help but quietly cry, the tears refusing to stop. Regardless of how adult we both tried to be about this, we were hurting and nothing would be the same.
We got back to my place close to dusk; he hadn't spoken another word. His face was stern. You could tell he was holding onto a lot of anger and pain. I opened the door to get out, but before I could, he said, "I am going to miss you. Just be careful and take care of yourself. Can you do that for me?"
My heart sank. I knew this was more than see you later. Maybe this would be the last time I laid eyes on him; I knew I had hurt him deeply. Shaking my head, stepping out of the door, my heart raced as I spoke. "I'm sorry Drew. I never wanted to hurt you. I..." the words caught in my throat, and I stammered. "I.." I choked, closing the door. The car sped off, and my chances of having something different with it. I collapsed, my heart shattering.
Damn it. How could you make me love you like this?