I must have fallen asleep at some point, cause the next thing I knew, there was a sound of a knock on my door. I didn't respond, just kept my head under the blankets, knowing Madison would go away and leave me to my misery; she does every time.
I heard the door open and shut quietly, then felt someone sit on the edge of my bed. "I'm fine, Madison. Just need to sleep it off."
There was silence, then a quiet voice rebutted, "Not Madison, and not going anywhere, lass."
Drew.
"What are you doing here?" I said, tossing the blankets off my face.
I could see the outline of his face in the low light. He was wearing a sweatshirt, his hair sloppily pulled back. "I needed to speak to you in person. Text wasn't cutting it." I couldn't force myself to respond. I knew I would probably get emotional. He didn't need that. "Fine, I'll talk, you listen."
He crossed his arms and looked down. "I've felt something for you for a long time, and I need to know if you feel the same way. You send so many mixed signals, and I thought if I just waited, you would eventually open up to me."
We sat in silence for a moment, and he continued, "I know things have been hard for you, and I cannot even pretend to understand how you feel, but that's the problem."
The emotions started to bleed through. He picked up his pace, getting heated. "Something has to change. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm going in circles, and the longer I wait for you, the worse it gets, and I'm..." He stopped taking a breath, "I just want you to talk to me, even if this is the one and only time you are open and honest with me, that's fine. There's a kind of sorrow you feel when I feel like I know you, but you never talk about how you feel."
I laid there, frozen. I couldn't swallow, throat was tight, breathing impossible as I waited, hoping, somehow, I could burst into a thousand bats and fly away. He growled deep in his chest. "I should have known," he sighed, standing now.
My heart galloped roughly, the room spun, the thought of him leaving sending me into pure panic mode... I pressed forward, trying to force myself from my pillow, choking on the words as the door opened. I felt like I was going to burst. "Please don't go." I squeaked, pathetic.
A few more steps, then the door shut. The room was silent. I waited, hoping to hear footsteps, something, anything to say he was coming back. Pain shot through my body like lightning, my heart burning before the sobs burst from my lips.
There was no being coy. The emotions overwhelmed me. I felt like I was vomiting them all over the place. I felt big arms wrap me up, pulling me into his arms, stroking me gently. He whispered, "It's okay, babe, I'm not going anywhere."
He leaned into me now. I could feel his breath through the blanket, right on the side of my neck. I'd never felt something like that, the comfort, the warmth... The fit didn't last long. I was able to swallow it back down quickly. We sat silently for a long time; he planted sweet little kisses on my head on occasion, but neither of us spoke right away. Maybe, just maybe, he really does like me?
"Do you feel better?" he said, his accent always making his words calming.
"Yeah, just being a big baby, I'm so embarrassed." I pulled the blanket down, finally looking at him.
His eyes were red and wet, as he peered down on me, "Yeah you are kind of a big baby sometimes lass."
I giggled a little, as I fought my hand free, gently caressing his face, wiping away a few tears. He smiled as I did, the gruffness of his beard pushing against my hand. There was a voice, pushing me, telling me this was the moment.
He was there to kiss you, help you live those feelings you dream of. He looked so sad... He was sad for you. He was there to give you this warmth, make you feel something, anything.
I leaned up just a bit, before his mouth met mine, his tender lips massaging mine gently. He brushed his tongue against my lips, asking for entry. I opened my mouth, letting his tongue press into mine, swirling smoothly. The passion, the desire to keep him close, his mouth over mine buried me. The kiss deepened. He pulled me up to him, pulling the blanket away.
His hands ran up my body, his touch was familiar, but different. It was needy. I felt myself stiffening up, anxiety getting the better of me.
After a few minutes, he pulled back, touching my cheek. "I had given up on you coming around. I'm really happy I was wrong for once." He smirked, leaning his head against mine. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not sure what you mean?"
"You just started shaking. It felt like you were going to vibrate out of my arms," he whispered.
I felt self-conscious instantly, sliding back a bit. "Just first-time jitters, I guess."
He looked confused. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"
I didn't know how to rebut. "It doesn't matter. Let's just forget it happened." I retracted, standing up now, straightening my clothes.
"Wait," He said grabbing my hand, "You've never been with anyone before?"
"Drew," I choked, swallowing the sobs, "you know." I looked away, unable to handle the judgement being passed on me. He stayed silent. I didn't have the courage to look him in the eyes. Instead, I followed up. "It's not like you haven't seen my medical records."
"I couldn't bring myself to read them. Just focused on helping you recover." he stopped, taking a breath. "I guess I wanted you to be the one to tell me. I'm not stupid, I know it was something terrible, I just never had the courage to ask, and you have never mentioned it." he reached out, taking my hand, "sit down, I think it's time."
I looked back at him. He smirked a little, trying to comfort me. Sitting down, I took a shallow breath, my emotions tied in knots. "I was just 18 when—when I almost died."
He shook his head. "Yeah, I know that part."
"Well," I stopped, unable to find the right words. The voice in my head urging me to lie, tell him the story you've come to accept, but every time I looked at him, I felt like he might be the only person in the world who might really understand…
"Madison and I did something really stupid. We met some guy online and decided to meet him at a hotel for a hookup." His faced dropped a little. He nodded, trying to urge me to continue. "Um, things got ugly."
The words were venom. The mark on my neck burned, trying to shake off the pain. "He and Madison had sex, then he turned violent. He knocked her out and tried to pin me down and rape me... I"
His face twisted, tears in his eyes. They fell to the floor as he raised my hand to his lips, planting a gentle kiss. "We fought, and apparently I was gravely wounded and I passed out from blood loss. Then he--"
"Don't." he said suddenly. "I already know what you're gonna say. I can't bear it. I'm so sorry, I didn't know." His bright blue eyes met with mine, tears streaming down his face again.
"Well, it's a big part of me, Drew. I lost a decade of my life, and I've still yet to find my way back." I paused, taking a deep breath, letting the words leave my lips for the first time. "He raped me, then left me in an alley to die."
He pulled me hard into his chest, clamping onto me, not willing to let go. "You are officially the strongest person I have ever met. I don't know how you're still standing... I'm so sorry, Kavi." His voice cracked.
Sitting back, finally relenting. "Well, you've been a big part of that. If it wasn't for you, I am sure I would still be in that chair, wallowing away."
He smiled, "I pushed you too hard, no wonder you wanted nothing to do with me... You thought I was just another creep..." He made eye contact again, "Is the bastard that did this rotting in prison?"
I genuinely smiled this time, the echoes of the sound of his neck snapping sending goosebumps up my arms. "No, he's dead." I had to shake off that delusion, knowing he killed himself out of guilt, but it wasn't the same as my mystery man nearly twisting his head around in the name of vengeance.
"Suicide?" He inquired, examining my face.
"Um," still caught up in the idea, "yeah, he tried to hang himself, broke his neck."
"Good." He said sure of himself, squeezing my hand. "Things like this make we want to be a believer. I hope if there's a hell, he's in the darkest, hottest pit, burning."
My stomach still churned, the idea really sinking in. With Madison, she knew all the details. We never spoke of it anymore. Even with therapy, I still had a hard time believing it was true. My head was full of delusions. Regardless of the medication, it didn't seem to want to go away. "Yeah, me too."