"A moment in life comes where we feel two different feelings together, for instance, fear and courage. In such situations we most likely, feel that we are in some sort of prison, we want to feel free but we can't as many things would be there to stop us from doing it and these things can be, the wall or boundaries may be created by us or by others may be intentionally or unintentionally."
Such situations can become quite stressful as well as exhausting, as at some point you will feel like, let the all hell break loose without any worry of consequences and on the other side you would feel like, doubting yourself or may be thinking what others would think about you or what if something goes wrong. To be honest, I think all of these thoughts can create chaos in anyone's mind but still we have no solution to it or may be we have it but don't know how to use them.
Since, last night I worked really hard on making my profile, on these job related apps and I faced lot of troubles, like how to make it, which email Id should I gave in. Though, somehow I made it possible but working all night and sleeping less take a toll on me physically as now in the morning I am feeling quite tired and exhausted. And mentally all I am feeling is confused with two different feelings that is fear and courage while doing this work all night.
However, as per my schedule time, I reach school for my practice, though when it got started and I started running around the ground, but I started feeling breathlessness which is becoming unbearable so, I stop running for sometime to relax. After some minutes of relaxing, I again started running, but eventually I failed, the same thing happened this time too and not able to understand behind it, throughout the practice I keep on pushing myself. During this whole process time I heard complaints of coach, regarding how much slow I am today plus how because of me whole team is suffering and now I am feeling guilty because of it.
Soon practice get over, some of us go and attend their classes, rest of us move towards the canteen. Once we reached their, I kept my bag on the table, then I put my head down on it so, I could sleep and others go to counter to order their food. I may have fallen asleep at sometime, as next when I wake up, I feel someone is shaking me lightly. I open my eyes tiredly to look at the person who just shake me up, I found Zoe who is hovering over me with concern plus curious looks.
I sit straight, rub my eyes then I look at her and her face shows concern, worry and curiosity. Once I get settled I raised my eyebrows at her, in response to this she start speaking,
Zoe: Hey are you alright?
Siya: Yeah
Zoe: Didn't slept last night?
Siya: Yeah just got busy in working out on something.
Zoe: Ohh you just missed a class which we three (me, Ketty and Zoe) supposed to have together, but no worry because Ketty become you proxy.
Siya: (Smiling) Thank you.
Zoe: Anytime. But now get up and order your lunch because its almost lunch time.
Siya: Really?
She just nod her head in affirmation but here I don't believe it so, I take out my phone from the pocket and it says that, the time is past twelve that means, the next class that I have it, is at one and now only three more classes left for me to attend. I look at her with sheepish smile, she give me that knowing look which usually says "see I told you." However, I get up from the seat go to the counter and order juice for me as, like as usual I have a home pack lunch box for me which has bread jam plus few slice of bread butter too. In around five minutes or less I go back to my seat and table which is now I am sharing with Zoe too.
Once I got settled down, I take out my lunch and before start eating it I forwarded it to Zoe so, that she could have it. (Inside voice speak up, Oohhoo, someone is being kind. The one who is always so possessive about her food is now offering her food to others too). I rolled my eyes at this voice, which always try to make fun of me or mock at me, I seriously don't like it but I guess this is the only one who actually talks to me so, I am okay with it. (Sometimes I really think, studying psychology is a different thing but in real life we all have some traits which can named us as mental and to be honest the quantity of traits doesn't matter).
Soon my trance break down when I hear Zoe's loud voice calling out my name, I look at her and by raising the eyebrows I asked her "What happen" to this she node her head in "nothing" but she look at my lunch saying "finish it." I smiled at her and start eating it again, in around five minutes or more I finished it and keep it back in my bag. After this I initiated conversation with Zoe,
Siya: So tell me how your life going on?
Zoe: (chuckled lightly) Life is just passing passing by. What about you?
Siya: (Smirking) Same life is just passing by.
Zoe: You know for the first time I closely notice, that your eyes speaks a lot, its quite amazing.
Siya: (Surprised, little embarrassed) Really? You too can notice it? Is it that much common?
Zoe: (Smiling) Yeah but the person who is quite close to you can only notice or see it. You know just a little focus and understanding then everything would be easy.
Siya: (Nod head in understanding) Yeah Vicz usually does this and now its you too.
Before anyone of us could speak anything else, the bell ring out loud so, we both stand up pick our bags and together we leave for our classes which are not same. When I reach in the class I found Erik sitting their and drinking as usual (I don't know how can his liver working fine with so much drinking). However, I go and sit beside him, as I sit beside him I can smell whiskey which is too strong that mean he is drinking from an hour or so.
Soon teacher come and start teaching us about manipulation and split personality (O yeah, this is psychology class which is one my favorite one), I found both of these topic quite exciting so, I put all of my attention on it but I think as usual Erik is not in the mood because, in the middle of the class he slide his notebook to my side,
Note Book Conversation (....)
Erik: How things going in the house?
Siya: Same full of taunting.
Erik: Did you make your profile on job websites?
Siya: Yeah I guess but it wasn't easy because I face some issues.
Erik: Tell me I will help you.
Siya: Creating email ID for it and profile photo which should be professional.
Erik: Okay, next day morning work would be done.
Siya: But I want to learn it.
Erik: I will make you learn it later because right now doing this work is urgent because either, you have to run away from the house or you should be independent.
Siya: Okay (Inside voice, why should I run away? Being independent is quite a good option but why he is in so much hurry or keep on persisting me? Though I think he is doing the right thing, may be I definitely need a push).
Note Book Conversation Ended (....)
Soon this class also got over, as usual neither he focus on studying nor let me keep my focus on it. Next two classes passes by smoothly one was with Vicz and last was one that I attended alone. One strange thing happened when Vicz was with me, she told me that she has something important to discuss and this discussion would be happening tomorrow with her family. However, as the class got over, I called the cab and leave for my home.
After reaching home I directly go to my room, I start getting fresh and in around ten minutes or so I leave the room. I enter in the kitchen, to get a glass of hot milk with some cookies for me, as soon as milk got ready, I take it in my room with some cookies. Before I could start devouring it, my phone ring with an unknown number so I pick it up and soon I hear a familiar voice from the other side which is of Vicz's Mom.
Phone Conversation (....)
Vicz's Mom: Hello, Siya?
Siya: Hello, yes Aunt.
Vicz's Mom: (Panic Voice) Dear I need your help.
Siya: Yeah Aunty say?
Vicz's Mom: (Angry voice) Your idiot friend has taken a stupid decision and now she is not ready to change it.
Siya: What decision?
Vicz's Mom: That you will found out tomorrow but you will be coming here early positively.
Siya: Okay.
Phone Conversation Ended (....)
After saying this she hang up the phone, leaving me behind with this incomplete story. All I am feeling right now is confusion and curiosity too but I can't do anything except to wait till tomorrow morning so, to ignore this I plug my ear phones in and start listening to music while drinking milk and eating cookies.
Later at the time of dinner I prepare my mind inside the room itself, in relation to, how to remain calm and compose while listening and tolerating to my parents taunts. After five minutes or so I reach at the dining area but to my surprise no one is present here, then only it clicked in my mind today, is the grocery shopping day so, thankfully I am saved for now. I completed my dinner soon and go back to my room with a water bottle, study for some time and then call it a night.