"I'm sorry." I blurted.
"Sorry for what?"
"I know what you wanted to talk to me about. I also want to talk about it but...."
"Ok…go on…"
"First of all, I'm sorry about leaving three years ago. I think I have stressed that enough. I'm sorry for being a coward not to have confronted what happened and thank you for taking care of what happened after that…"
"You don't need to thank me for that…it was my fault."
"Please let me talk, now that I have the courage to speak up…" I mastered the courage to not stop talking.
"I'm sorry if I stood you up at dinner. My brother had a last-minute trip here, so I met him…and I'm sorry if I have been trying to avoid you, because I was scared to talk to you… I don't know what you wanted to say. Part of me is excited to see you and be close to you like this, but a big part of me is scared and in doubt. That's why I keep putting out any chance of having a conversation with you…" I continued.
"So, why did you finally decided to talk?" he asked.
"Because it's tiring to be constantly assuming of what if… and to also know what it is that you wanted to say, because I owe it to myself to at least try…"
"I didn't know you could cook like this…thanks for the food. It was delicious." He blurted out, changing the topic. I looked at him with eyebrow raised up. He let out that annoying smile.
"That's it?" For some reason I got too frustrated. After hearing everything I have to say. He just casually complimented my cooking.
"What should I say?"
"Aren't you the one who wanted to talk to me, in the first place?"
"Three years ago, until now, I have the same things to say…I like you."
"Really? What's your definition of liking someone? You like me just like you like all those women you've dated for the past three years?" I might have been possessed because I didn't plan to be acting this petty.
"I know what you've been through. I cannot say I understand just because we have the same experience of failed marriage. I know how much hurt you've been. I can never imagine how you brave through all those emotions, but I will be here. Isn't the reason why people date is to get to know each other better," he is so passionate of his words. It seems like he knew a lot about me.
"I'm leaving tomorrow night…"
I have this tendency to blurt out unnecessary statements when I'm anxious. I can see the sincerity in his eyes and his words are making my heart flutter. My heart seems to be falling to my stomach and drowning on it.
"..." he stopped talking and smiled. I wanted to run and hide in embarassment.
"Are you're free today?" he asked out of the blue.
"I'll have dinner at Prof Kim tonight."
"I'll take you somewhere. I swear to bring you to their place on time...."
I stared at him puzzled. I know I am almost a middle-aged woman, but why this unfamiliar feeling of uneasiness is shrouding my whole being? I just stayed there like a robot, unable to move my legs or my lips to speak for that matter.
"Are you ok? You look uncomfortable?" he noticed.
"Excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom." And I bolted out of there not noticing the concerned look on his face.
I stayed at the bathroom for God know's how long just trying to pacify my heart and normalize my breathing. I would have opted to stay inside if not for the knock on the door.
"Did you flush yourself on toilet?" it might be his way to lighten up the mood.
I bite my lips and give a light slap on my cheeks before opening the door.
"Sorry. Are you done eating?" I glanced at the dishes that were already put on the kitchen sink.
"Yes. I assumed that you're also done. Hence, I just collected the dishes."
"Fancy a dessert?" I asked.
"I won't say no to that..." he smiled.
I went to the fridge to get the panna cota. He sat across the kitchen counter and waited for me to serve it to him.
"Is it necessarily today?"
"....."
"The place where you're taking me. Do we need to go today?"
"Not really. I'm just taking this opportunity right now because I'm not sure when I'll see you again." He sounded a bit insecure. But I could understand his reservation.
"If I promise to come with you when I come back from Copenhagen next time, can we schedule it then?"
He look at me intently, making sure of my sincerity.
"I mean instead of going out somewhere right now, we can just talk here and you can also just rest awhile. I think you need some rest."
He does look haggard. The dark circles on his eyes although faint is still obvious.
"I don't have a problem with that. I guess it's better in here since you'll not run away from your own abode." He smirked with the realization.
"You make it sound like you are traumatize of me leaving you that time..."I casually commented.
I didn't realize that he would really take it seriously.
"I won't say as much as you causing me trauma, but I got agitated everytime we are spending time together. Because I have this fear that this is all but fleeting, that it is so easy for you to just leave in any sign of stress without as much as a proper goodbye."
I was shocked to say the lease. I didn't to have made an impression like that on him.
"I'm sorry."
That's all I can say. That's the only thing I could say. And it's the only thing I want to say at the moment.