"Enough with the sorry. It's not a situation where it will be fix with a sorry anyway. If there's someone between us who is sorry, it should be me. I feel sorry to myself for being so gullible, for letting my guard down, for being carried away…" my voice shaking now. He just looked at me intently, listening. He knew when to stop, he knew when to start listening.
"I felt like my heart is being crushed. I'm not really sure why. It's not like there's something definite between us. What makes me angry is not the media attention, but the fact that I was so ready…."
"I think we should just stop whatever this is now. Let's just say, I was your 'flavor of the month' and let's move on…" Those words pinched my heart so deep I almost wanted to cry. But I promise myself not to waver. I have been to worse than this.
"I didn't wait for three years just to move on. I told you from the start, I want to see this through…" he replied.
He looks at me with desolate reaction. He came beside me and pull me to a hug. I gave in. I needed that hug. I needed to be comforted.
"I have to go. They can't possibly know which car I'm driving, right?"
"It's going to be okay, please don't shut me out." He looked so dejected. Those words are sound pleading.
I needed someone to tell me that. That everything will be alright, but I'm mature enough to give in to these sentiments. Everything might be alright, but I cannot afford to undergo the process until it will be.
"I'm sorry. I'm not ready for this. Please just let go…"
"I'll let you go for now. But I'll be waiting. When you're ready to listen, I will talk." He's still comforting me. I felt the reassuring hug. I remove myself from that embrace and I saw how desolate he looked.
"From now on, I can't let you be dealing with this situation by yourself. I am also part of this, and I want to have someone at my side who takes care of my interest…" I commented. He looked disappointed, maybe by the realization that I don't trust him enough to dismiss his concern towards me.
"See you then…" Why does this feel like a goodbye? Why do I feel so burdened and my heart so heavy? I left him looking so defeated. Maybe, he also feels what I feel. The uncertainty of when to see each other again.
A car is already waiting for me by the parking at the basement. Joon might have directed the driver there already. I got into the back seat as I saw someone was already at shotgun.
"This is really not an ideal way to meet each other, but we don't have the luxury to choose right now. I'm Chris Kang, your lawyer," without moving his hands from the steering wheel, he glanced at me with a smile and started to drive away from there. On the way, I already read his profile, he is half-Chinese, half-Korean, he graduated at SNU Law and he did his master's degree at Oxford. He majors in corporate law, specializing in media and entertainment. He is 2 years older than me. He introduced himself and his assistant. He looked very charismatic I almost felt like my problem is already gone.
"Nice to finally meet you, Miss?" he continued. I heard that he was the same lawyer who help Soo-ah 3 years ago to settle with the issue. He is part of Andersen and Partners, it is the law firm that have been working for me ever since I published my book and they have regional offices in Asia, Middle East, Europe and the US.
"Thanks for coming on such short notice…"
"It's an honor to be called in such short notice. It only validates the capability and your trust with the firm."
"We can no longer take out some of the articles, since it has been shared out in the open. We are in communication with the tech team, hoping they have more plans. Lisa told me about the paparazzi in Copenhagen, we found out who he is working for, so we will deal with them as we speak."
"I only wanted to protect my son's privacy, that's the most important thing, and of course to minimize any other unnecessary exposure."
"Of course, I understand. We will see if there's other avenue we can source out to minimize the issue. But it would be best if we can coordinate with Mr. Nam Jae-woo's side, in order to act accordingly."
"I will be leaving for Copenhagen tomorrow. I trust that you have already coordinated with him before. I hope you can deal with it together with Soo-ah if necessary. I don't need the additional stress of this publicity…"
"You're in good hands, Miss" he assured me.
Somehow, I felt assured but that's not my real problem, is it?
We arrived at the loft for further discussion, and they left as soon as we finish talking about the details and about his plans. He will update me of the what's happening here while I'm away.
Everything sunk in when I was left alone. My heart is unsettled. My mind is telling me to let go and move on. Atleast, we talked, unlike the past 3 years, I can move on without regrets of not being able to confront how I feel. This must be how heart break feels. This is no longer about fate; this is me taking over my life. I have already drawn the boundary of my peace and happiness before this relationship move further. I won't be dragging my son into this and if my happiness means sacrificing the peace, I have achieved for the past five years. I'll choose my peace.
I rebooked my flight for later tonight. I cannot stay here knowing about all this might blow over. And I can't stay here, thinking that he might come and confront me, anytime. I know I'm being a coward yet again. But I think I am not ready for this yet. I like him, but I'm not sure I like him enough to disregard the stress that comes with being with him.