Gabi na nang makauwi ako. I stayed the whole day with my family in the cemetery. Nakatulog din ako ng ilang oras at paggising ko ay makulimlim na. I opened my phone and found a message from Cholo asking me how's my day which I replied with 'just fine'.
Pagpasok pa lang ng sasakyan ko sa driveway ay nagtaka na ako. The lights outside are switched off and the car of Cholo is not properly parked. Parang inihinto lang nito ang makina at basta-bastang lumabas. Ni hindi nito naisarado ang pinto at iniwan lang na nakabuyangyang.
Naiiling na nilapitan ko ang sasakyan para isarado ito nang maagaw ang pansin ko ng isang kumikislap na bagay na nahulog sa sahig ng kotse. Yumuko at pinulot ko ito bago tuluyang inilapat ang pinto ng sasakyan. Itinaas ko ang kwintas at nanlaki ang mga mata sa nakita.
The pendant of the necklace is none other than the missing pair of the cheap ring Cholo bought for the two of us.
"Nasa kaniya pa rin pala ito. Akala ko ay itinapon niya na."
Hinaplos ko ang singsing at itinapat sa singsing sa daliri ko. Agad namang nagdikit ang dalawa. Sa pagkakatanda ko ay magnet ang singsing ko na nag-a-attract sa singsing ni Cholo. I still remembered how he told me that I'm his magnet. According to him, he can't help but gets attracted to me.
Napangiti ako sa alaala. "Now where's that man."
Pagbukas ko ng main door ay katahimikan ang bumungad sa akin. Nagpunta ako sa kusina para humanap ng mapagtatanungan.
"Ma'am kanina pa po dumating si sir Cholo. Nasa taas po ata at umiinom," sagot ni Stella, ang nagsisilbing cook ng mansiyon.
"He's been drinking? I see. Thank you."
Pumanhik ako sa itaas at nagpunta ng kwarto pero wala ang asawa. Nagbihis muna ako saglit bago dumiretso sa bar area ng mansiyon na nasa parehong palapag.
The door is open revealing him sitting on a bar stool with a glass on his hand. On the counter are several empty bottles of liquor, ashtray, and boxes of cigarettes. Nakabukas ang mga butones ng polo nito, nakataas ang mga manggas, at nasa sahig ang necktie. His face is red already from drinking and his eyes... I can't explain how hollow and sad they were.
"Hey," I said and cleared my throat.
He looked at me from staring at nowhere and slowly raised his glass at me.
"Hey," anas nito at dinala sa bibig ang alak. "Care for a drink?"
Umiling ako at naglakad palapit. Pinulot ko ang necktie sa sahig saka nilapitan ang asawa para halikan sa pisngi pagkatapos ay umikot ako sa counter at sinimulang linisin ang kalat. Nakasunod lang ng tingin sa akin si Cholo hanggang sa matapos ako. When the last of the bottles is thrown away, I opened another one, got myself a glass, and poured at our glasses. Bumalik ako sa tabi nito at naupo sa counter paharap sa asawa na nakatukod ang mga siko sa counter sa gilid ko habang umiinom at nakatitig sa akin.
"Care to share it?" basag ko sa panandaliang katahimikan na lumukob sa amin.
He reached out for my face and caressed it gently.
"Maliit na bagay na kayang-kaya kong lutasin. How about you? Nabili mo na ba ang lupa?"
Pinagpingki namin ang mga baso.
"Hindi pa. Our negotiation took longer than I expected."
"Ganun ba? Do you want my help?"
I sipped on the glass and shake my head. "Too simple for me to ask for help."
I can tell that he felt rejected by the way he hurriedly finish his drink.
"Why can't you at least let me help you, wife? Ask for my assistance sometimes. Call for my name when you can't take it anymore. Want me. Need me. Make me feel that I can be by your side. Stop doing it all by yourself. I am your partner. Let me be of help," nakikiusap nito na saad.
Ilang sandali muna akong hindi nakahuma sa mga narinig. Tagos hanggang buto ang mga pinakawalan nito na salita. I can feel his pain and his sincerity towards me.
Kinuha ko ang kamay nito at inilagay sa hita ko saka inilabas sa bulsa ang kwintas na napulot ko sa kotse nito kanina. Tinanggal ko ang singsing sa kwintas at isinuot sa palasingsingan ng asawa.
"Alam mo ba na matagal na kitang crush noon? The very first time I saw you, I knew that you'll be the subject of my dreams. Unang tapak mo pa lang sa Cerro Roca that time with your signature flashy car and expensive clothes. You were inside your car by the road and I was on the other side, nagtitinda ng mga palamig. And then, I saw your smile and it felt like the whole place got lighted up. Literal na huminto ang mundo ko noon dahil sa iyo. Naaalala ko rin na nag-i-imagine ako na ikinakasal tayo at isinusuot ko sa iyo ang singsing after saying our vows. But I know what I felt for you will just stay in my fantasy. My small pitiful world cannot be compared to your grand globe. My worn-out hand-me-down clothes cannot fit in your designer classic walk-in closet. I was the inferior one, Cholo." Kumikislap ang mga mata na pinagmasdan ko ang singsing na nakasuot sa daliri nito. "Having you in my arms felt like a clichè ending of a drama. It's a dream come true so how can you tell me that I don't need and want you? The thought of you helped me wake up every morning in those past painful years. Kahit na alam nating dalawa na nasaktan mo ako, don't lie about it, hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang sariling bumalik sa pagpapantasya na sana ay maging akin ka na sa pagkakataon na ito. You were the reason why I survived, Cholo. No one can change that fact."
Pinagsalikop nito ang mga kamay naming dalawa at dinala sa bibig nito para halikan.
"Then tell me about your past, Karina. Bare it to me, wife. I wanted to understand you so bad. There are questions I'm dying to ask but I'm too afraid to cause you any damage again. It's true that I have hurt you and I promised to myself that I will never do it again. Ipinangako ko sa iyo at sa sarili ko na ibabalik natin ang dati mong ngiti, iyong totoo, iyong hindi mapagpanggap. Masakit sa akin na nakikita ka na pilit na ngumingiti at pinagtatakpan ang tunay na nararamdaman mo. I feel so worthless because I'm clueless why. Who is causing you to have so many sleepless nights? Why are you looking outside the window as if you're yearning for something or someone? Do you really wanted to be here with me?"
Matagal ko nang alam na sa malao't sa madali ay kailangan kong harapin ang mga tanong ni Cholo. As patient as he is trying to be, I already stretched the thread so high to its breaking point.
Uminom muna ako ng alak bago sumagot. Pinanatili ko ang tingin sa magkahugpong na kamay namin para kumuha ng lakas.
"My life... Hmmm let me see. Siguro nga kailangan ko nang magkwento sa iyo. It's long overdue. Nakapagtataka naman kasi na bigla na lang akong naging ganito kagara manamit, kagaling magsalita ng English mula sa pagiging mal edukado at ignoranteng probinsyana na nakilala mo. My life... I don't know where to start. It's sad... tragic and chaotic... and full of surprises. Sometimes happy, always empty. My real family found me. They practically saved me from my self back then. They sent me abroad to study and taught me everything from this harsh life. You can say that they took away my humanity because I wanted them to."
Wonder and curiosity filled his eyes. Mas humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.
"But why?"
"Because that's what I thought I needed back then. It's my only way of surviving."
"Surviving from what?"
Nangilid na ang mga luha ko sa puntong iyon.
"F-from everything." My voice trembling and my hands shaking from keeping myself from crying. "From everything I went through, Cholo," I whispered while letting my tears fall. "That was the only way I see to somehow survive each day. I have to be numb to continue living. I-I have to be emotionless to be able t-to..."
He rose up from his seat and embraced me, his hands stroking my back in a tender manner.
"Stop talking already. I get you. I understand you. Hell, I promised myself never to make you cry but here I am breaking it again. I'm sorry, wife. I'm sorry, Karina."
He kissed my head and repeatedly soothed me with his comforting words while I closed my eyes and let myself take relief in his arms.
Ito ang dahilan kaya hanggang sa maaari ay ayokong sabihin ang nakaraan ko kay Cholo. It will only create conflicting feelings that may affect my judgement in the future. I haven't even disclosed the reasons why and yet I'm being so weak before him. How much more when I have to break it all to him while also tearing him in the process.
Everything is uncertain up to this moment but what I know to be inevitable is that neither of us will be the same again after this. For one, I will walk away from here twice as broken as I am before.