"What's the matter? The meeting didn't go well?" pukaw ko sa tahimik na si Cholo. He was standing at the terrace, shirtless, and sipping with his wine. His face is hard and so is his grip on the body of the glass.
He didn't move until the last of his drink was dried out. "Nothing that cannot be resolved."
Bumuntung-hininga na lumapit ako rito at kinuha ang wala ng laman na baso sa kamay nito at ibinaba sa kalapit na mesa. The day I thought to be a bomb turned out to be an uneventful one. Matapos ang brief na pagpapakilala sa akin ni Cholo kay Maverick ay diretso na sa business ang pinag-usapan ng lahat. Mukhang hindi naman nagduda si Cholo sa ugnayan namin ng kaugnayan. Akala ko nga ay babalewalain na naman ng asawa ang presensiya ko but I was wrong. He never let go of my hand even when we were inside the conference hall owned by the secretary. I would have been beaming in happiness if it were not for Maverick's presence. I was on my toes for the rest of the time that he's with us because he is a living reminder of my painful past. I felt naked emotionally and vulnerable in his eyes even when I knew that he didn't mean any of it.
The whole afternoon my guard was up. I was cranky and moody so when I asked Cholo if I could leave and stay the afternoon at the hotel in Monte Vega, he just nodded and drove me to the place. Hindi na ito nagtanong pa. Umalis agad siya pagkatapos akong personal na ihatid sa silid namin at bigyan ako ng yakap at halik.
He picked me up again for dinner and then went out again for the last-minute meeting. That's when he came back wearing this dark look all over him.
"It's okay if you didn't want to tell me." Niyakap ko siya mula sa likod at idinikit ang mukha sa likod nito. Pinagsalikop ko ang mga palad sa may ibaba ng dibdib nito at pabirong hinila-hinila ang chest hair nito. Inamoy ko siya sabay pikit ng mga mata. This felt so nice. If only I could stay trapped in this time forever.
"Karina," he spoke my name in a delicious whisper that I secretly smiled. Oh how I love it when he calls me this way.
"Yeah." Dahan-dahan kong pinagapang ang mga daliri pababa hanggang sa marating ko na ang waistband ng suot nitong sweatpants.
I heard him sigh. My smile got wider. Oh how I love torturing him both when we're fighting over words and over the sexual tensions in the air.
"Lower," he growled and guided my hand into his pants.
Chuckling, I drew out my hand away and plucked a strand of his chest hair in the process.
"Ouch!" irit nito.
I blurted out into a laugh. "You deserve it. Manyak!" Bumitaw ako sa yakap ko sa kaniya at naglakad papunta sa kama.
"Hey, nananahimik iyong mga balahibo ko rito tapos pipitasin mo lang. That's not fair."
Tumawa lang uli ako at nahiga na sa kama. He followed and lied on top of me. He snuggled his face on my neck while I brushed his hair using my fingers. His right hand is immediately on my ear.
I sighed. How did we get here? Noong una ay halos magbuga ito ng apoy sa akin pero ngayon, para na itong maamong tupa sa aking mga braso. Thanks to that night, I might have him under my leash but the doubtful Karina in me is not buying it. I can sense that there's more to it than Cholo is trying to show me.
But whatever that is, I can save that up for later use. Ang mahalaga ay ang ngayon kung saan akin ang lahat ng kaniyang atensiyon.
"Did your friend know about our past?"
"Si Maverick? Yeah, he knows you," walang gatol na sagot ni Cholo.
"Oh really? As in everything? Kaya pala ganoon siya makatingin sa iyo."
Nag-angat siya ng mukha sa akin at hinawi ang hibla ng buhok na tumabing sa mata nito. His grey eyes gleamed under the subtle light.
"What do you mean?"
"The way he looks at you na para bang sinasabi niyang matagal ka nang baliw na baliw sa akin." Nginisihan ko siya at nilaro ang nalaglag na naman na buhok nito.
"Baka baliktad. He must have seen how you're so crazy about me." He leaned and gave me a kiss on my lips.
"Na hindi ko ikinahihiyang aminin. You're so worthy to be so crazy about, Cholo."
He smiled at me and caressed my face. His eyes traveled down to my lips and back into my eyes.
"Hindi kita ikinukwento sa mga kaibigan ko. You're my pretty little secret I wanted to keep forever. Madamot ako sa impormasyon pagdating sa iyo. Pero hindi ko alam na tuwing nalalasing ako, ikaw daw palagi ang bukambibig ko. That's how they knew you."
He looked down on my lips again and smiled. "Ilang taon din akong binaliw ng mga labi mo, Karina. I kept looking for your presence everywhere I go. Your scent, your sweet smile, and your face haunted me all these years. You're imprinted all over me. Ilang gabi rin akong hindi nakakatulog dahil hinahanap ko ang init mo. I despised myself for not being enough for you that you still chose to run away from me. But now that you're here in my arms again, I will prove to you that I am enough for you. I am your first man and I will be your last man."
Pagkasabi niyon ay siniil niya ako ng halik. It was soft and tender just like how he used to kiss me back then. I surrendered and met his tongue with mine. They danced in a wet sound only them can make.
His lips went down to my neck and trailed kisses on my shoulder. I bit my lips as I continue to hold onto his hair.
"This is just unnecessary," he murmured while tearing my lacey nightwear.
He didn't waste time when my breasts were already in view. He held the other one in between his thumb and point finger while he latched on the other peak.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and rubbed myself on his bulge. He traced the contour of the side of my body until he reached the string of my panty.
Doon pa lang ako nahimasmasan. Before he could dipped his finger inside me, I shoved him away forcefully and sat on the bed, my hair in frenzy and my hands on my boobs to cover them. Si Cholo naman ay nakanganga sa gilid ng kama at muntikan nang mahulog.
"Wha- what was that for?" ang tanong nito nang makahuma at makaupo nang maayos.
I shook my head and smiled at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry if I have to cut short your trip to heaven but I'm not in the mood for this."
"It's okay, wife. I'll do more foreplay."
Umusod siya papunta sa akin at hinila ako sa kamay na agad ko namang pinalis palayo dahil baka maharuyo ako rito. Ang galing pa naman nitong mang-akit.
"No, no. What I mean is I can't do it for now. I have my period."
"Oh," usal nito.
"Yeah so if we continue doing it then that would be messy."
He smiled reassuringly at me. "It's alright, Karina. I understand and I respect you."
Tumayo ito at nawala saglit. Pagbalik ay may dala na itong t-shirt. Isinuot niya ito sa akin saka ako niyakap at humiga sa kama. I was on top of him and it's my turn to bury my face on his neck while his hand went immediately to my ear and played at it.
"You're still hard. I can handjob you," I offered him but he just patted my back.
He groaned and kissed the top of my head. "You're making it harder for me, wife. Just sleep. Or do you want me to make you cum? I read that it eases your menstruation cramps."
I stormed out to look at his serious face. "You read about what?" I asked with a raised brow.
He giggled and spank my butt softly. "I just read it out of boredom. It's the last piece of unread article in my newspaper and the event I'm invited was still not starting so I have no choice but to read the entirety of it."
"What's the use of your cellphone? You could play games or watch videos or go read about stock market."
Naiiling na tumawa na lang ito. "Now this is how you are when your hormones are messed up. That's why you're so moody earlier and always in for the fight every day. Does it hurt? Wait, I'll just call for the hotel to send us some hot compress."
He laid me down to the bed gently and got up for the telephone. Nakangiti lang ako habang tinititigan ko siya. He looked at me and then asked. "You want anything? Food? Drinks?"
Umiling ako. "I just want a cuddle," I said with a lip-bite.
"Oh man," rinig ko pang sabi nito bago agad na bumalik sa pakikipag-usap sa telepono.
Nang dumating na ang hot compress ay ito na rin mismo ang naglagay at humawak dito. He was behind me. I was laying on his one arm while he's holding the compress in place for me.
"Better?" he asked after a couple of minutes.
"Yeah kaso mainit nga lang. Can you please adjust the aircon?" pakisuyo ko.
"Sure. Please hold this. Hindi ka na ginawin ha. I still remembered how you trembled in cold back then."
Tumayo ito at sinunod ang sinabi ko. Napangiti naman ako sa alaala. Could it be that he really did not forget about me?
But how could he have done that? How could he ignore me like he has never seen me?
"Ako na." Inagaw niya uli sa akin ang compress nang makabalik ito sa kama matapos akong kabigin mula sa likod. His hand snuck on my ear again and began stroking it.
"You know I could get used to this feeling, Karina. I could get used to everything about you again. It was heartbreaking for me when you left so I could not afford for another one. That might not be so masculine to say but it's the truth there. You might become my habit again and I will not dare break another one again. It's leaving me useless."
Nag-uulap na ang mga mata ko kaya hindi na ako sumagot. I let the silence fill the void because what else can I say? That if he was heartbroken then what about me? Was I shattered? Or was I just simply dead inside?
I can't feel for years for trying to find the will to forgive. I can't smile genuinely because there's nothing real to me. I was drained inside and too thirsty for people who will never come back to life.
In short, my heart was more than broken. It was not whole because the people I missed each took a piece of it. They cannot come back to return it so I'll forever live this life incomplete.
So for now, I'll just chose to close my eyes and drift to sleep.
Pagmulat ko ay iba na ang posisyon naming dalawa. I was hugging Cholo already while his legs are on top of mine. Dahan-dahang inalis ko ito at tumayo. It's still two a.m. according to the digital clock on the bedside table.
Binuksan ko ang pinto sa terrace at lumabas. Agad na umihip ang hangin at nilipad ang buhok ko. Humawak ako sa railings at tinanaw ang view ng Monte Vega. The life here is slower when compared to Cerro Roca. Kung noon ay nauuna ito pagdating sa property development, ngayon ay mukhang nahuhuli na ito.
Sighing, my hand searched for my necklace. I took off the pendant and opened the locket. I smiled when their lively smiles greeted my gloomy night.
"I missed you all. I missed you all every day of this fucking existence."
I kissed the picture and closed my eyes. My tears started to fall. When would I get to see you all? Kailan pa kaya? Kailan pa ba?
Hirap na hirap pa rin akong mag-move on hanggang ngayon na para bang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat. My nights are still lonely and my days are still sad because you were never in my side anymore.
I looked at the sky and see nothing but darkness. Walang buwan sa gabing ito. Wala ring mga bituin. Parang uulan pa nga. Ah, nakikisimpatiya siguro ang nasa taas sa akin. Mabuti naman kasi maraming beses na rin nilang hindi dininig ang mga panalangin ko.
Galit ba kayo dahil naging ganito ako? Sorry na kasi nasimulan ko na po. Wala na akong panahon para tumalikod. It's too late to turn my back now. Nasunog na ako kaya lulubus-lubusin ko na hanggang sa matupok ako.
Nag-init uli ang mga mata ko kaya napagpasyahan ko nang bumalik sa loob ng silid. Pagpihit ko para pumasok ay siya ring paggalaw ng isang nilalang. Natigilan ako nang magtama ang mga mata namin ni Ymir. He was on the terrace on the other side of the room. He's still wearing his clothes from the meeting and was holding a bottle of liquor.
Everything came rushing back on me. Lahat ng ginawa niya sa pamilya ko ay biglang nagsalimbayan sa utak ko. Lahat ng paghihirap at pagdurusa ko ng dahil sa kaniya ay biglang bumalik na parang rumaragasang bagyo.
Pumatak ang mga luha sa mga mata ko nang maalala ko ang sinapit ng buong pamilya ko sa kamay ng kaniyang pamilya.
How could a cruel guy like you exist, Ymir? How could your entire family do that to innocent people?
I saw him got taken aback with my tears. Tumiim ang mga bagang nito at uminom mula sa bote. I saw for a splice of a second how pity and something else crossed his eyes.
I don't want your pity, Ymir. I want your blood and I'm getting closer to draining every drop of it from your body.
Pinahid ko ang mga luha sa mukha gamit ang panggitnang daliri saka pinakyuhan ito. Iniwanan ko siya ng isang ngisi bago pumasok sa loob at isinarado ang pinto.
I'm closer to my goals and I'll get the satisfaction after this. Malapit na. Kaunting landi na lang, Karina.