I dreamed of Yun - the first time in a long time since his death.
One Spring night, when I was 12 years of age, the Yan Manor was ambushed by commoner rebels who wanted to fight the nobility and overturn the system.
Knowing that General Yan, the King's right-hand man, had a child daughter they could hold as hostage, they snuck into my room deep in the night.
I was asleep on my bed when the flicker of the candle flame by my bed made me stir. Stretching, I turned around, opening my eyes just a sliver.
My heart seized in my chest as a dark figure advanced towards me from the foot of my bed. They were dressed in black, a mask covering the bottom half of their face.
In a swift move, the rebel's hand shot out to cover my mouth as a scream dislodged itself from my throat.
He picked me up with a grunt, pressing me tightly against his body to prevent me from squirming away from him.
"Scream, and you die, little thing," he hissed. His hands were calloused and rough, and terror rendered me speechless. Kicking and tossing was useless.
He swung me over his shoulder, shoving a disgusting rag into my mouth before leaping over the window that he had somehow broke open.
He broke into a run, and I attempted to kick him as he ran across the Manor's front yard. It didn't take long for him to stop.
With another hard swing, I was thrown into a wooden chest. The impact knocked all of the breath out of me, but I barely had time to take a breath before the lid came slamming down.
The click of the lock in place haunted me in every nightmare I had.
I was entrapped in darkness, being jolted and jerked around in the chest as the sound of horse hooves filled my ears.
I could barely sit up, and I spat the rag out of my mouth.
"Help! Help!" I screamed, knocking the chest with my palms. The lid didn't budge.
"Shut up!" The violent collision between the rebel's foot and the box caused my head to crack against the chest wall.
Blood rose in my throat, and I coughed, tasting the salt on my tongue. The wet and sticky substance made it hard to breathe.
Blinded and suffocating, sobs tore out of me in breathless heaves.
I was going to die. I knew I was.
We rode for a long time, the chest trembling as my ears suffered from the cacophony of noises.
I was on a wagon, led by horse, on a never ending uneven road. My fingers clawed at the chest walls until they bled.
There was no way for me to see, aside from the small hole of the lock.
There were three rebels; one watched me while the other two manned the horse and other items on the wagon.
I slipped in and out of unconsciousness. In order to lay my head on the floor, I had to curl up into myself.
When I finally came to, light shone through all the openings of the chest. My hands were shaking and hurting, but I trusted that they needed me alive. They wouldn't kill me.
Grandmother should have realised I was out of bed by now. Father would know.
"Halt." I froze as someone spoke.
The wagon had stopped. The rebels began to laugh, chatting with someone.
From what they were saying, it was likely they were at a gate passing. There would be soldiers stopping them and checking their items.
A loud slap on the chest lid made me jump, but I gritted my teeth.
"Nothing too important here, sir! Just some of our master's goods!"
"With a lock on?" the soldier asked in a dubious voice.
"Sir!" A younger boy's voice rang out clear as day.
"What do you want, Yun?" the soldier almost groaned, annoyed. "Your father may have asked you to observe us, but you need to stop interrupting us at work."
"Sorry, sir! May I check the chest?" The eagerness in his voice was clear. "This one! Just one, please?" His voice became louder and clearer.
I reached out for the lid, placing my hand there, waiting for the moment he would put his hand down.
"This one!" His hand landed with a thud, and I hurried to knock once in time.
There was a brief pause. "What's in here, sir?" The boy named Yun kept his hand on the lid as he turned around.
"Just the usual, our good Master's silks and cloths. Be careful with that." The one who hoisted me on his back spoke in his gruff voice.
I prayed for the boy named Yun to stop him; open the chest and check - anything!
"You may go. All of your papers are in check." The soldier that Yun was pleading with let them pass. Just like that, my chance at being freed slipped through my fingers.
"But - Brother Kun -" "Quiet down and stay at your post!"
Their arguing voices faded with distance, and I laid back down, numbed by the encounter.
It felt like hours when the wagon finally stopped. There was no sound, only bird calls and the harrumphs of the horse pulling us along.
The wheels had stopped being so loud. It felt like we were in the middle of a forest; likely to where they planned to store me until they had whatever they wanted from Father.
"Do you hear that?" my kidnapper asked. The other two murmured in assent. I didn't understand what was happening. A low rumble began to surround me.
"Run... Run!" One of the rebels shouted. The floor began to tremble, and I shut my eyes to try to keep from getting dizzy.
Holding my arms tightly, I forced myself to breathe. I couldn't lose my consciousness again.
The clanging of swords colliding... Shouts, groans and moans...
It felt like a weird dream.
My chest began to shake. "Stop it!" I screamed. The lid opened.
The sounds of shouts became even louder as the daylight nearly blinded me.
I blinked up at a boy, his hair tied up in a bun on the top of his head. He had sharp eyes, but there was nothing but worry and gentleness in his gaze as he reached his hand in.
"Lady?" he said.
That voice... The boy named Yun?
"I'll bring you to safety, lady. Come with me." His hand poised above mine.
"You saved me?" I whispered. Yun glanced around, alarm making his features tense.
"You must come with me, quickly!" he hissed. Gathering myself, I grabbed his hand. He tugged me upright just as the ground trembled again.
We were in a clearing in the forest. The King's soldiers, dressed in their familiar navy blue uniforms, were watching the trees where the source of the sound was coming from.
As I was pulled out, hundreds of commoners came sprinting forward, charging directly at us. I tried to stand, but my legs failed me.
"Quickly!" Yun grabbed me, hoisted me on his back, and took off running in the opposite direction of the mob.
I shut my eyes, somehow comforted on the back of the young soldier. It was a while when we stopped. He set me down, collapsing beside me, huffing and panting.
"The border back to the capital is still a little away. But I don't think I can carry you anymore. You're good to walk on your own?" Yun asked breathlessly.
I scratched my cheek in nervousness, wincing as the motion sent pain through my fingers.
Yun's eyes widened. "Y-your hands," he breathed. Without second thought, he took my hands in his.
My fingers were bleeding and bruised, nails torn and broken from scratching at the chest. I winced as my fingers ached, and he gentled his hold.
"You're Yun?" I asked. He nodded, putting his hand into the chest opening of his robes and plucking out a white handkerchief.
By his waist he had a canteen, which he promptly popped open and poured the water it held over my hands. I watched him, detached from the pain, as he cleaned my wounds as best he could.
When he was done, he covered my left hand, which was still bleeding, with the handkerchief and wrapped it up.
"Come, let me bring you back." He stood up and wrapped his hand around my right one.
It took me a while to get the feeling in my legs back, but I followed the young soldier back to the capital borders.
Someone was pacing back and forth at the open border gates.
"Yun! Yun, where did you go -" The soldier, who sounded like Yun's "Brother Kun", froze in his tracks as he saw me.
"Is that-" he broke off, confusion colouring his face.
"I followed the wagon. I tried to tell you." There was a sound of pride in Yun's voice as he said that.
Soldier Kun rolled his eyes and stepped forward. "Uh, young lady, you are...?"
"Qing'er! Qing'er!" Everyone jumped, but I pulled my hand out of Yun's and ran forward. It was Father's voice! He came galloping on his steed, pulling back when I ran up to meet him.
"Father!" I shouted.
The General slid off his horse and pulled me into his arms, holding me tight.
"Oh, by heavens, I thought I lost you," he murmured. That was enough to break me.
Sobs rose in my throat and I wailed out all the fear and despair I was put through.
Father embraced me tighter. "You - the one who informed us where the wagon went?"
"Yes, sir!" Yun came up behind me. Wiping my tears away, I turned around.
"Thank you. Thank you for saving my life," I choked out.
Yun gave me his brightest smile and bowed his head. "It was the right thing to do," he answered.
My heart flipped, and my cheeks turned warm. I raised my hand tied in his handkerchief.
"I'll return this to you," I murmured. The soldier took a step back.
"This soldier shall wait, milady."
***
I woke up filled with heartache.
Grandmother received the decree that I was to enter the Palace for "Wifely training".
In a separate letter sent to me via pigeon, the Crown Prince told me what was to be done for the public eye.
I would be formally married into the Palace.
No one would question where I went, and the Yan family would "be honoured through the generations with a Yan woman bestowed the title of liang di, Virtuous Consort second only to the Crown Princess."
His words left a sour taste in my mouth.
As Yu Ru prepared me to enter the Palace, Yun's face kept surfacing in my mind.
What was it that I hoped? That he would save me once again? But the dead cannot save the living.
"Where is the General?" I asked through numb lips as Yu Ru inserted the golden butterfly pin into my hair.
"Master was called into the Palace at dawn. He was very angry and broke his belt. I overheard the Mistress speaking about it."
I shut my eyes. Of course. There was nothing he could do. He would have rebelled with the army under his command, but Grandmother knew nothing of this matter.
Not to mention my second uncle and his family, Father's only surviving younger brother. My uncle was bestowed a fourth rank official position because of Father, so he enters the Palace daily as well.
"Done, milady!" Yu Ru chirped. Her enthusiasm made me clench my jaw tight.
She didn't know any of what this meant. I didn't blame her. The Palace was a sign of power, honour and glory. She just didn't know what came behind it.
The palanquin ride over to the Palace was silent. Yu Ru could tell my horrible mood, so her usual cheeriness became silence.
I had to get off at the main gates, but this time, Eunuch Yuan from the Crown Princess' Palace greeted me to bring me to my destination.
His uniform was a paler green in comparison to the Crown Prince's Eunuch, a sign of his lesser status. The eunuch's eyes narrowed at me as he took me in.
"Watch where you're looking," I snapped. He blinked before bending his back slowly.
"Forgive me," he answered in a simpering tone. I gritted my teeth. I wasn't part of the harem yet, even if just in name, but people were already making enemies of me.
"Lead the way." The eunuch gave me an insincere smile and took the lead. We headed the same way we did towards the Crown Prince's Palace, but the Crown Princess lived a little further away from the main gates.
Unlike the Prince's main hall, the Princess' sign did not indicate Eastern Palace. Rather, the words "Hall of Virtue" stood in its place.
The Palace was also much smaller. The eunuch announced my arrival, and the Crown Princess bade me in.
"Your subject greets the Crown Princess, Her Highness," I murmured, bowing low in curtsy.
The Princess was not in her main seat, where people sat to welcome guests. Instead, she was off to the side, where most of her living days were to be spent.
She was seated on her chair by a table, sewing or embroidering something in her hands.
She ignored me for a moment, picking up the pair of scissors. With a soft snip, she put down her sewing and stood up.
My eyes widened as I took in her beauty. Her hair was bejewelled with gold and jewels, but it wasn't enough to outshine her perfect round eyes and gently sloped chin.
The Princess grinned. She couldn't have been much older than I was.
"Lady Yan. Is it alright if I called you Qing?" She reached out and took my hands, righting me. Blinking twice, I nodded mutely at her request.
"Your Highness..."
"Mm, call me Hui. It's tiring enough to be called that by everyone else. Do me this, please." She gave me an earnest smile and gestured for me to sit down.
"If your subject - I mean, I..." I watched her expression change to one of approval. "If I may ask, how old are you?"
"I'm 21. Was made Crown Princess last year when the late Crown Princess passed. I was promoted from Virtuous Consort to his Crown Princess (tai zi fei)."
I blinked at her blatant explanation. She spoke like it was nothing. My stomach churned. The Crown Princess was only two years older than I was. But she had a 14 year difference with her husband.
I barely suppressed a shudder at the thought that I might have experience the same thing in Jin Tang.
I grasped at another important piece of knowledge. "The Crown Princess passed?"
No one heard of this. Tradition would dictate that the nation was to go into mourning for 3 days if the Wife of the Crown Prince passed, without meat in our diet and colour in our clothes. But no such decree was made.
"She... Seemed to have died under unspeakable terms. One day she was there - the next, she wasn't. It took the Crown Prince a month to promote me."
There was a pause. Hui let out a deep sigh. "His Highness told me that I am to train you. In the art of being a Wife, and how to pleasure a man."
Her earlier lightheartedness was gone. "I am aware that you will be bestowed the title of Virtuous Consort. And that you would not be in Yin Shang in a few months' time."
I bowed my head. I had expected it. "Lady Yan," she murmured, taking my hands in hers. "I can only pray that you bring peace back to our nation with this mission of yours."
The weight on my shoulders seemed to grow two-fold. I forced myself to breathe deeply, blinking as the walls of the Princess' Palace appeared to be closing in on me.
I had to do this. I had to, for my family.
If only I had Yun by my side.