POEM FOUR: SINCERELY SPOKEN
(An unplanned proposition often relies its success on external circumstances.
The main course and direction are later executed down the road.
And the enjoyment in the process is exploited from its performance.
In the end, what is it that is left to rival what you've experienced?
I am worried about the truth and anxious about what's about to come.
A flawed and unrealized desire begets more complications moving forward.)
"I'm sorry I'm late."
Lyrica was running sweats all over her bright red long-sleeved shirt and a mini skirt.
She was exhausted and was panting.
"Took you long enough. You were the one who suggested the place and time and yet you were late."
A smug look was seen from Peyg who was leaning on a street light pole.
Tsk, look at this dude who is wearing a normal shirt and shorts to this date. How dare he look all complacent even though it clearly shows that he didn't even pay much attention to what he would wear? I was just too excited that I overslept. I couldn't say that in front of him, right?
Lyrica kept her cool and sat down on a bench that was beside the street pole.
"Look, I'm sorry, I just forget the time and didn't set the alarm clock."
She was catching her breath from all the running she did just to barely make it in the time she set.
As she was doing so, Peyg brought out a question.
He was looking around for a bit and decided to sit on the bench as well.
"So, where are we going? I guess it's too early to eat lunch for now."
Peyg looked into Lyrica.
Before Peyg could look away, Lyrica took the chance and asked, "How do I look?"
A sentence that was lingering in her head since last night. A question that she had wanted to say at some point when going out with Peyg. A question that made her late to this so-called appointment.
You would think that a bashful girl wouldn't have the guts to spurt out such a question but she did anyway.
Maybe because she was desperate or in need of such a response. But because it had been pondering her mind since last night, there was no way that she will let it pass without actually doing anything to get a response.
Lyrica stared into Peyg's eyes. While doing so, her face turned to beat red.
Peyg saw this and sighed as he turned his head around.
"You look great. So come on. You invited me to go out. At least tell us our plan for the day."
"You look great", that phrase was etched into Lyrica's mind. Like a symphonic tune that soothes the soul, that phrase gave her warmth that she had never felt before.
And so she blurted out, "I do not know. I thought guys would be the one to lead the girl in this situation."
Peyg was in disbelief. He thought that since Lyrica was the one who insisted and invited him to go out he was for sure that she had planned things before it happened.
"You're the one who invited me and you are asking me our plans for the day? Besides, I thought girls are fond of planning things for stuff like this."
The content and transcending feeling of Lyrica suddenly shifted as she was embarrassed herself that she didn't plan yesterday even though she was the one who insisted on him.
"Well, I'm sorry!"
Peyg somehow anticipated this to happen so he pointed out an ice cream truck that was in front of them.
"We could start here."
Lyrica looked at where Peyg was pointing at.
Peyg stood up.
"So what do you like?"
"Uhm, I'll have the same flavor that you will get."
After replying to Peyg, Lyrica felt a faint relief.
Such a convenient place to start with. A park, an ice cream truck in the middle of the scorching sun, and their time of meet-up were too good of a coincidence.
Maybe it's just me thinking that this coincidence can lead us to this day. Maybe it's just actual unconnected events that happen to be here and I also happen to piece things together. Maybe I'm too caught up in this overthinking. Either way, I do hope that the day will be on my side.
Lyrica said to herself.
While she was overthinking about things that are currently happening, she remembered that she didn't ask Peyg what he was going to get. She at least wanted to know first what he was getting but she also felt it was okay to leave it to Peyg.
She waited patiently until Peyg returned with the ice cream.
"Here you go."
Peyg gave the other ice cream to Lyrica.
"What flavor is this? Why is it green?"
Lyrica moved it closer to her face to give it a good smell.
"Is this pandan?"
"Why, do you not like it? You should've said it earlier before I got some. By the way, that's your money so you better eat it or it will go to waste."
Peyg handed out his other hand while looking into Lyrica as if evoking a notion that she should pay up.
Lyrica was flustered.
"I thought you would pay for this. You even went and bought it. I don't even like this flavor."
"Huh. Aren't you the one who said that you'll treat me for today?"
Peyg said as he licked the top of his ice cream and smiled back.
"That tastes good."
After seeing Peyg's smiling face, Lyrica looked at the ice cream.
It's not like I don't like it. It's just that, it's not one of my favorites.
She said to herself as she also licked the ice cream.
Peyg, who was leaning on the street light pole, sat down next to Lyrica. He continued to please himself with the ice cream he bought.
After a while, he looked at Lyrica who was just staring at her ice cream.
"If you aren't going to eat it, just give it to me so it wouldn't go to waste."
Lyrica, who was taking glances at Peyg while looking at her ice cream, replied.
"I, I'll eat it, okay."
She was again flustered as she tasted the ice cream again. After doing so, she glanced at her side and saw Peyg smiling.
"See, it's not that bad. You'll get used to the taste. All you needed was to give it a try."
"Give it a try, huh."
Lyrica smiled as well.
Why am I smiling? It's not like I didn't like this flavor it's just that it's not a preferred option when I'm given choices. Is it because I wasn't the one who chose it and I get a matching flavor with him? I do not know. It wasn't my favorite flavor before but, I think I'll get more of this flavor in the future.
While eating the ice cream, Lyrica opened her bag and was reaching out to her wallet.
Peyg saw this and said, "It's fine. The ice cream wasn't your cup of tea anyway. This is my treat. Just treat me later when we eat lunch."
After the two ate their ice cream, they walked around the park.
When they got close to the other side of the park, they encountered a street performer.
"Look there's something there."
Lyrica said as she instinctively grabbed Peyg's hand.
Before Peyg could ask, a bubble burst into his face. He looked forward and saw someone blowing bubbles.
The area was full of bubbles as kids come and play with the street performer. He blew bubbles of different sizes ranging from the normal small ones up to big ones that can surround a person.
He thought that it was a childish performance and yet it brought a momentary joy to his face.
He looked at Lyrica as she happily looked at the bubbles.
"What a wonderful sight", Lyrica said.
Peyg looked away to break the scene.
"So, when are you going to let go of my hand?"
Lyrica looked at Peyg. He looked down at his hands and Lyrica saw that she was holding his hands.
She again reacted with a flustered face as she let go of his hands.
You should've not pointed it out. Now I'm thinking about it like an idiot. Why did I even grab his hands, to begin with?
Such thoughts came rushing to her head.
"It was just a reflex, nothing more."
Peyg laughed a bit.
"You remind me of my cat. Whenever she wants to cuddle up she just goes to me and forcefully brushes herself in my arms. But when I want to touch her back, she instinctively brushes my hands off and takes off. It's like she just wants to do it her way."
The flustered Lyrica laughed as well.
"How the heck did that even remind you of that?"
Peyg then replied, "I do not know, it just popped out of my head. Anyway, since we are on the topic, want to go to a near cat café?"
"Cat café, huh?"
Lyrica agreed to Peyg.
The two walked towards the Cat café that was nearby. It was close to a busy street.
While walking, Lyrica put out a slight chuckle of a smile.
"What's the matter?" Peyg asked.
"It's nothing."
Lyrica was happy. Even with the silent walk, she felt more closely to Peyg.
Again, I am getting led by him even though I was the one who invited him for today. I really am pathetic in this dating stuff. He must've thought that because I didn't plan anything for today he needed to do something to make this day at least somewhat of a happy memory. I know that I should be more perceptive today but, I can't help it. I'm sorry but I want him to keep doing what he is doing for today, even if it's just this day. Ah, I hate it, I'm too selfish. But, please. I want his attention for myself even if it's just today.
After a couple of minutes walking, they finally arrived in the cat café. A person in a cat pajama outfit greeted them.
"Oh, hello owner. Can I get a table for two?" An eager Peyg said while smiling.
The owner looked at Lyrica.
"I see we have another guest for today."
The owner led them to their seats. The room they were headed to was inside. They took off their shoes and opened the door. Just like how the owner greeted them earlier, the cats did the same.
"Meow."
A warm welcome greeted them as they sat on the fluffy cushion seats on the floor.
A cat walked into Lyrica's right leg.
"Look, Peyg. The cat is purring on me. It's so cute."
The ever-so honest Lyrica said as she pets the cats.
"I'm glad you like it. To be honest, even though you kind of reminded me to go here, I thought that you were more of a dog person."
Peyg said in regards to not being sure if she would've liked it here even though they are already here.
"I am but…"
Lyrica said while being preoccupied with the cats. Before finishing her statement, to further solidify her enjoyment, another cat went close to her, this time on the other leg.
"They are just too cute and fluffy, and small and beautiful. And…"
Peyg chuckled.
"Don't worry, I got my answer already. Just don't get too attached or you'll be adding another list on your expenditures."
Peyg ordered some drinks and some pasta for lunch. After doing so, he looked at Lyrica who was playing with the cats.
As she was petting the cats, she noticed that Peyg was looking at him.
Although she wasn't paying much attention earlier, she then realized something.
"Don't worry, I'll pay for what you ordered as I promised."
She replied as she continued to pet the cats that were seated next to her.
She noticed that Peyg was still looking at her.
"Are you jealous that the cats like me more than you now?"
"I'm just glad that you are happy that I brought you here."
Peyg replied as he smiled.
Lyrica felt a tugging sensation from her chest. She blushed a little before saying, "Of course I am. Of course, I am happy… since they are really cute and all."
This isn't like me at all. But since the start, I seem to be more open. Maybe open is not the right word but more so, honest with what I'm feeling. Is it because of him? Don't be stupid, of course, it's because of him. Why am I like this anyway?
A couple of minutes passed as their drinks and food arrived. The cats were trained to not eat with them so it didn't bother them at all having the cats beside them while they eat.
After a while, before finishing his drink, Peyg grabbed something in his small bag. The item he grabbed was a notebook and a pen as he began to write.
As Lyrica saw the notebook and pen, she was reminded of something,
Oh right, I did tell him that I would let him continue his work during this occasion.
Peyg then started to write again. The Peyg that was being with her, was of another different stature. That was the Peyg she loved the most and the Peyg that she contemplated on not wanting to see for the better future that she had idealized.
The two took a small break after eating. Peyg continued to write while Lyrica played with the cats while stealing glances of Peyg as he writes.
***
The boy imagined a perfect place where to take the girl he loved on a date.
"It should be romantic. A place where the food would taste great, the people who come are well dressed and more importantly, the music gives a great ambiance to the atmosphere. With all that into consideration, it should create a perfect symphony in all the senses. Mixing in with our eyes interlocking our gazes upon each other as we look deeper in each other's hearts."
As he said that to himself, the boy blushed.
"What am I thinking?"
He said.
He tried to look at her to see her again just for a second as he imagine more scenarios in his mind. The moment he turned his head towards her direction, she also looked his way. For another special moment in his life, again, he made eye contact with the one he loves.
After seeing her looking at him, his face was stuck in a daze. Just before he could blink, someone caught the girl's attention as she immediately shifted her gaze towards that thing.
He on the other hand, slowly looked down as he turned his head back in his notebook.
What if things would've been different? Should I be more approaching and ask her out directly? But I don't have such courage. But what if she accepts me, even just as a friend, I think I'll be happy. Would I really be? But what if, she can learn to like me too?
The boy's mind seems to be in constant conflict with his desire versus his emotional fortitude.
He continued fantasizing and writing about the date.
"Maybe before that romantic dinner date, we can go to an aquarium? Maybe a park? Or we could just scroll around in a mall. We then buy some sweets, laugh and talk about what we see together, just like a regular couple. A couple, huh?"
After saying that, his face turn beat red as he randomly acted flustered. Because of that, he accidentally drew a big line across what he was writing.
Again, his writing looked to be ruined. Just like how he cried and deformed what he wrote, his action just now made another mess of his work.
"Why do I always do this?"
He flipped the page and began to start a new one.
"After that dinner date, we could go watch some fireworks or the setting sun or maybe even better, the night sky together. We can talk all night as well. Wait, do dates even last that long? I think it usually ends before it gets dark, huh. Well, I think I don't even have that much money anyway even if I plan such an occasion, and that's talking for only one date ahahah."
He thought that he was stupid for thinking how dates go since he had no experience in such so he wouldn't know. But he also thought that even though it might sound absurd for what he wanted to do, he was sure that if it does happen, he might have the best time of his life.
"Being with the girl I like scrolling down the road, talking about random stuff, and making funny faces. Probably taking some pictures here and there. Such simple things you could probably do with friends but it feels so different when you do it with the one you love."
While thinking about dating and being together, he thought about the future as well.
"In the end, we might end up being together. I'll follow her request, do all her bidding and make sure to make her happy."
After all, this, even though all his goal was to be with his loved one and make her happy, it hit him in the end.
But all of these are mine. All of these are what I thought would be the best. But to her, it might not be. Such ideal scenarios for me might be different from her. And even if everything that had I planned was to her liking, the problem would be me. Because I might not be the one who can make her happy. I might not be the one who she wanted to be by her side. I might not be the one she would want to look forward to when getting home.
"It's painful", he said, as his grinning face from earlier turned into a frown.
"Both of us are too far apart that there is no point in imagining something that will never be real."
There is no point in correlating two things that intersected once and moved on perpendicularly.
He was scared of that reality but still, he loved her. Although he did not admit to giving up, he was close to accepting what was to be expected.
***
"Thank you, owner."
Peyg said as they left the cat café.
After saying goodbye, the two headed to the mall.
Earlier, before the two left the cat cafe, Peyg said he wanted to buy a gift for his mother. Since he haven't sent her a gift even once, he didn't know what to give her. And now that he was with a girl, it was a good time to get her a gift.
"Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I know what your mother would like. Besides, wouldn't she be happy to just get something if it's from her son?"
Lyrica pointed it out as they were walking to the mall.
"Well I rarely get out with a girl alone, so I thought it was a good time to shop for a gift. Besides, we are going to the mall anyway so why not?"
Lyrica just accepted it as she sighed.
"Were here, where do you want to go first?"
Peyg asked Lyrica.
Now he is asking me where to go? He really wants to push me to choose a good gift for his mother. His mother, huh. Somehow I feel happy that he chose me to help him but I also am iffy about choosing a gift for his mother.
"Ahhh, let's just go!" Lyrica said.
"Go where?" To which Peyg quickly replied.
Ah, I said it out loud. I also don't know where to start. What am I doing?
Lyrica was agitated. Without a second thought, she grabbed Peyg's arm and began walking towards a shop.
When they arrived, Peyg instantly asked her about why they went there which Lyrica was prepared to answer.
"It's a general store. They also sell some antique-looking wooden stuff here which are good for displays."
It was like her instinct kicked in when she was asked so she dragged him over to the closest store that she unconsciously picked.
"Let's look around, I guess."
The two look around. Each aisle they visited there were countless wooden displays scattered around. Some aisles got general stuff from clothing up to kitchen wares. Other aisles were household accessories as well as more generic stuff.
Peyg was surprised at the variety of stuff they have in this one shop within the mall that piques one's interest.
"I was right to ask of you. I never have imagined coming to visit this place if it were just by me. Even having to stumble it might have taken me hours."
After hearing such words come from Peyg, Lyrica felt happy.
She turns around to hide her shy face as she feigns to be looking at something else.
"You should look for some stuff as well that your mother might want to keep. Although you want my advice, it's not bad to know what she wants coming from you since she is your mom."
I can't believe that going to this store when my mom drags me along to buy stuff paid off. Still, that compliment, even if it's just a thank you, makes me so warm inside.
The two looked around for some stuff. Peyg saw something that caught his eyes. He grabbed it to take a closer look.
"I didn't think that they would sell some old kitchen recipe books here."
Although he thought that his mother might have wanted such, he also thought that she might not need it in the first place.
He put down the recipe book.
Lyrica saw this and asked, "Are you looking for something that she would want and would also help her?"
"If possible, yes."
Peyg wanted to make sure that he gives the best gift they could find in that store.
"Okay, I'll try my best to look for something like that as well."
Right after Lyrica said that line, Peyg thanked her.
Her shyness after realizing what happened instinctively turned her blushing head the other way.
"I'll look over there for a while."
She quickly took off and went to another aisle.
Why does he compliment me so much right now? I can't take more of it or he will notice every time I act up. But still, it makes me really happy.
While still overthinking about what happened earlier, Lyrica accidentally bump into a mannequin stand wearing an apron which knocked it over. She also ended up losing some balance which made her trip and fall over as well.
Peyg, who was on the other aisle heard the sound of what happened and quickly went to the scene. He saw Lyrica and quickly help her get up.
"Thank you", Lyrica said after she stood up with Peyg's help.
"Be more careful next time, okay". Peyg said as he looked at the mannequin wearing the apron.
"Of, Of course, I will. I just happen to…"
While Lyrica was saying all that, Peyg was looking keenly at the mannequin.
She got slightly angry.
"You didn't even let me finish what I was about to say. And… you didn't even ask if I was okay."
Peyg turned around.
"That's why I said to be more careful next time since I won't be here by your side all the time anyway."
But that's what I wanted too. For you to be by my side, always.
She whispered to herself.
"Okay."
Peyg then picked up the mannequin. "This, this is the gift."
Lyrica looked at the mannequin who was wearing the apron. The design of the apron was not flashy and looked kind of bland.
Maybe I'm just biased since I'm not into bland designs like this one.
"But, does this fit your description for the gift?"
Peyg replied enthusiastically.
"Yes. It's perfect. My mom loves cooking and having something like this for her to wear every time she cooks would be great. It's not too flashy, not too decorative, and does its job."
He continued to explain it further as Lyrica just accepted that that was the thing he wanted to buy for his mother.
Lyrica smiled as she wait for Peyg outside the store to finish paying for what he bought.
A gift, huh.
She imagined herself in that apron that Peyg is buying.
I really don't suit this at all. But I wish to receive something from him in the future as well. Maybe when he thinks of me as special as his mother then, will he do the same for me?
Before she finished her daydreaming, Peyg quickly approached her from behind.
"So, is there a place where you wanted to go?"
Lyrica was startled. But she brushed it off by smiling.
"Uhm, let's see. There is still a lot to explore in the mall."
"Well, I guess we can waste our whole afternoon here then."
Lyrica nodded her head as to agree with what Peyg said.
The two spent the rest of their afternoon in the mall.
They scroll through each shop as they ate some snacks along with some food stalls that they pass by.
Just like any other day, the sun will go down. And so, they decided to call it a day.
Peyg walked Lyrica back to their home.
While walking, Lyrica felt happy. The happiness she felt was because she got to spend time with Peyg as well as enjoyed every moment of it. The roller-coaster of emotions that she felt was benign but also somewhat of a throbbing beat that made her chest feel tight.
"I guess this is the end, huh?" she said to herself.
Peyg, who faintly heard Lyrica say something, then asked, "Is there something else you want to ask of me before I go?"
"Ask, what?"
Did he hear me? Ah. I'm so stupid but, I want it to last longer.
"It's nothing."
That's not what I wanted to say.
They continued walking when Peyg suddenly stopped.
He turned around and said, "Goodbye, see you again in the clubroom."
Lyrica looked around and saw her house. She was too focused on wishing and hoping for things to last longer that she didn't realize that they were slowly making their way home. And the moment they arrived, it was too late.
Lyrica smiled as she nodded towards Peyg.
Peyg then turned around as he walked away from her.
Please, come back. There is still something I want to say.
As if begging for something to happen and make herself move, she couldn't do it.
Maybe not that she wasn't offered such chances earlier but, she simply can't.
Although there have been a couple of moments in which she was honest with how she felt during the date, this one thing was still hard for her to say and it was too late.
But before she could turn around to open the gates, Peyg was walking back towards her.
She was flustered, thinking if this was the sign or if this was the destined moment she wished for.
Her face turned to beat red as Peyg came closer. She prepared her shy and bashful self as to not embarrass and fluke this up.
Peyg then said, "I nearly forgot, are you okay from earlier? You know, when you tripped over that mannequin?"
Lyrica was stupefied by what Peyg said. Her usual self then instinctively replied.
"Why did you even come back just to ask that? Honestly… you…"
Lyrica grinned and chuckled a bit.
She was happy that Peyg went back and even asked how she was after what happened. She was happy but more so, relieved. She was relieved because this day seems to be giving her more chances. Like it somehow wants to push her to just do it.
"Well, I was going to ask earlier but I seemed to forget after we bought the apron. I just remembered it again that's why I came back to ask about it."
"I'm fine. Don't worry, I'll be more careful next time."
Lyrica said embarrassingly. It seems that although she was relieved and calmed down, she was still a bit flustered.
"I'll be going then, goodnight."
Peyg then turn around and slowly walked away.
I, want to say something. He is going now, but I still haven't said it.
She again waited for Peyg to go back but this time, he was not turning back. He continued to walk and walk.
No, why am I relying on something to help me again. Please, move. I need to do something or else. I should be the one creating my own chances.
She then yelled, "Peyg!"
Peyg heard her and turned around.
"What is it? It's getting cold you should head inside."
He really makes me feel warm inside. But, is this really what I want? I don't want to ruin things. I'm scared of what will happen.
"I had fun! Take care and goodnight as well!"
Peyg then nodded his head and walked back. This time, he didn't stop.
"Why am I like this? I hate it."
Lyrica opened the gate and walked inside the house.
She got inside her room and she cried.
"I hate myself."
***
And the boy quoted before leaving the Donut shop:
-"The sweet smell lingered as I cry myself into a snafu."-
***