POEM NINE: CONFLICT WITHIN
(Now is the time that I should truly see the result.
Is this the end of everything? Am I really satisfied?
Inner confusions in myself have led me to consult.
Am I done with the suffering? I want things to be justified.
I shall fix everything and accept what is needed.
To end me from injuring, that's what I've decided.)
The festival is meant to last for three days. Although a lot of major events already happened, the sports activities are scheduled for this day. As for the third day, closing ceremonies as major award-giving will be held.
The second day started just like the first day. Peyg was alone in the clubroom for the time being since Lyrica promised to help her friends while Vol watched some sports events for the morning.
"I'm not really fond of sports and I'd rather stay here anyway to sell these books. I'm a third away from selling all these, huh."
Just like yesterday, all he did the whole morning was stay in the clubroom. He would lean on the window and look outside. He was a bit bored and yet he also doesn't have any motivation to go out anyway. He knew that he could carry some and sell them outside where there are actually a lot of people but he ends up not doing it.
"I guess I'll just sell this to people who are actually into thins kinds of work. Since if they truly are, they would be the ones who will come looking for this club."
While doing nothing for a while, a thought popped into his head.
"Am I really satisfied, huh?"
He was a guy who had always been emotional. He would always equate everything that is happening and put it into scenarios to grasp a better understanding of it. Although that is the case, he often thinks too much about it and ends up thinking of worse outcomes. He had always been a pessimistic type as well.
He knows all this but he can't stop thinking about it.
"Maybe, it's just ingrained in us to think this way. If not by everybody, then some. But for me, at least, that is the case."
Because he is like this, he often writes all his feelings and emotions into his works. He makes sure to give life to it to bring out his true intentions.
A feeling of discontent and a feeling of struggle. His whole life, he knew that he didn't have much of a purpose to continue.
"Yet when I tried to give up, you appeared. You were there. You helped me. You made sure that I can still continue. You let me write my works for me to bring out the pain that I'm feeling, the pain of being alive. You gave me a reason to try and change my thoughts to better myself."
She was always by his side the moment she saw him. She was the one who made him who he is. She showed him growth in order to accept the pain that he is struggling with. She promised him that she will take care of him.
"And then when I was slowly improving, she cut ties with me. When I was slowly growing up to better myself, she disappeared. When I tried to get close to her, she was gone. When I was trying my best to live my life, she died."
A crying man was seen inside that room. A man who didn't know that the pain he struggled with would be more painful. A man who learned to love. A man who deserved to live.
"Sera, why did you have to die? You showed me a path that I know I couldn't figure out on my own. A path that taught me that my reasoning was off. A path that let me shout out my pain to slowly accept myself. You guided me to grow and mature. But surely now, even though I kept trying, it really is hard to forget about you. Even if nothing would've changed, I can't stop trying to love you."
As he was feeling all these, he just kept quiet.
He didn't feel to say any more words. He just wanted to rest for a while.
Lunch came and instead of going to eat, he went straight to the rooftop. He closed the clubroom and got a copy of one of his works."
"Here again, huh."
The breeze that felt soothing made him feel better. A cold wind that brushed through him chilled his hands and freshened his tense head.
He sat near one of the railings and began to read.
***
CHAPTER 1, VERSE NOVEL ENTITLED: OUT OF REACH FROM NOWHERE
Looking from afar, she is a beauty.
None fading and ever-existing, the girl in front of my sight caught my eyes.
Her glossy outlined hair flowed everlastingly as it glazed over the sunrise.
Like a feeling of a sweet cocktail on a lonely night.
Her presence felt like a warm bright light that shines my ever-struggling endeavor.
She was the one who made me rewrite my life because I'll remember it forever.
That tingling sensation that you receive when two characters on the screen kiss under the shade of moonlight.
A feeling of pure bliss had never been so close and it felt the most genuine than any other sensation that I've tried.
It sticks in my body as I get overdosed and I'd hide in the shade of my emotions as I try to contemplate and decide.
How I wished for things to be different.
I've tried to make do with what I can but it was always a bit short than what I imagined.
I made progress and a stupid plan but in the end, all I can do was hope for it to be destined.
Like the look that I would want to be and the way, she would look towards me.
I tried to change my appearance and always tried to make moves for you to notice this pitiful life of mine.
In the end, I was left with no perseverance because I cannot compare myself to a person who was divine.
Such a crappy fantasy in a lost-caused reality.
This life full of painful struggles and hopelessness made me rethink of everything.
I got swept in my delusions thinking I was blessed and that I can do anything.
CHAPTER 1 ENDS.
CHAPTER 1, VERSE NOVEL ENTITLED: …
…
***
A girl opened the door to the rooftop and called out to him.
"There you are."
It was Lyrica who was trying to find Peyg.
She saw that he didn't hear him so she walked towards him.
"Vol got us some food for us. He said that he wanted for us three to eat together."
Peyg still didn't bother looking at him.
"Why aren't you looking, Peyg."
She went in front of him and saw that the book that he was holding was covered in tears.
She saw that tears from Peyg's face couldn't stop dripping on the book.
After seeing this, she hugged him.
Peyg cried and cried in her arms.
"I can't seem to forget her. No matter what I try to do, she would always end up appearing in my thoughts. Tell me, why is it so hard to forget her."
Lyrica knew that Sera had always been a big part of his life. Because he depended on her so much, she grew with him as he struggled to live. She gave him what he had understood now and that her presence was ingrained in his very thoughts. He was led to believe that he needed her more than anything else.
It is hard to change his beliefs when she was the center of his growth. It is a fact that she was helpful to him but because of her, Peyg is having a hard time. She taught him acceptance and growth and yet he cannot move on and continue life just because he lost her. That is why this is all I can offer. Lyrica said to herself.
Lyrica looked into Peyg's eyes.
"Didn't you say that you will rely on us? If you feel sad, talk to us. If you feel like crying, I will offer my shoulder just like now. If you cannot still forget, then so be it. But when you do try so with little steps, share what you feel to me and I will bear it with you. If you still can't do anything, continue to write and express your emotions. And if everything else doesn't work, I will always be here. I won't leave you. I will be by your side no matter what."
Why did I say that? Why, maybe because I also want to express what I truly feel. Yes, I want to help him. I want him to understand that I'm here as well. So please, just accept it. Lyrica said to herself.
"Please, Peyg. I don't want to see you like this."
Why am I trying so hard? I love him but why am I saying everything, like I'm begging. Yes, I'm begging. I don't care anymore. I just want him to be happy. I want him to smile like how she made him smile. I want him to move on and live his life with less pain and worries. Lyrica said to herself.
Peyg stopped crying. He felt moved as well as stupefied by his actions. He knew that nothing will happen if he kept on crying but he did. Maybe he just wanted to let things out and feel content. Yes, he wanted to feel and express everything. He wanted to indulge himself in the moment of being vulnerable and open. He wanted to be free and satisfied.
"I'm sorry if you felt left behind. I always take my emotions to myself and never did seek help. I always tried to battle things on my own. Vol would always agree to my decision and you would always interfere that I should share what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just selfish in wanting to experience things on my own. In the end, I was just hurting myself and the people around me."
He laughed in a hysterical manner and tone.
"It's okay. People do tend to not share their painful feelings since it won't make a good atmosphere. That is why I will be here. Aren't I and Vol your friends?"
And with that, the two went back to the clubroom to eat.
Lyrica and Vol helped Peyg sell the verse novel. They walked around carrying a sign for it and their clubroom location.
"For anybody interested to buy a Literary Narrative Club original, you can find us in this place."
"A Verse Novel that tells a great story, please do so visit us."
A few enthusiasts came by to buy some here and there and they made progress.
After that day ended, all that was left was ten copies.
The next day came and they sold all of the copies left within the morning.
The three of them decided to enjoy the rest of the festival by visiting other stalls and watching the closing ceremony as they call it a day.
That day didn't just impact their lives, it helped them realize that they need to change to continue.
Peyg began to try and share his feelings not just through his writing but through his interactions with his friends. Lyrica understood that she couldn't push Peyg for herself with his current emotional standing so her bashful nature gradually improved to a more understanding one. Vol knew that both Peyg and Lyrica would soon outgrow their past selves and so he also decided to take a small step to change for the betterment of their overall relationship.
As they were walking by some stalls, someone was watching them.
A camera shutter sound was then heard by a girl. The girl was wearing a dress and was holding a camera and a book.
"This thing really does sound loud. Maybe it's broken? Anyway, so this is how they ended the story, huh."
A stupid oneitis boy who copes up with life through writing. An obsessed girl who wants to keep the man of her dreams to herself. And a Guy who just observes and changes to keep them both bound. Interesting, whose selfish desire will remain and change? Should I add to the equation? The girl said to herself.
She then quoted before leaving the premise:
-"Moving forward to a new beginning is a decision that only an individual can make for his life."-