My invisible alarm clock woke me up as I stared blankly at a painting that had been hung on the hospital's wall. I awoke with a start. Even if the painting appears simple when you try to describe each figure, taking a step back will cause your brain to become disorganized as you attempt to decipher the painting's overall meaning.
'The artist must have been going through a lot of emotions while creating this.' I sighed, feeling a little envious.
Why am I in this hospital? You're right. I'm sick. I'm suffering from lupus. So, in a nutshell, it's a disease that occurs when your immune system attacks your own tissues and organs. That's a little too easy to grasp. However, if you notice a red or purple butterfly on your face, you should seek medical attention right away. When I was fifteen, the butterfly shape on my face appeared. I first developed an unexplained fever, and then I told my parents that I was having joint pain and that my weight was fluctuating involuntarily. We thought it was nothing to worry about until one day I became afraid of the sun because it hurt my eyes, and my hair started falling out in large clumps. I've been to the hospital almost every day since then. It's something I've been doing for the past five years. So far, I've managed to avoid death. Though not emotionally, they can still see me walking and running around the house.
My doctor then examines me and performs his standard procedures on me. He compliments me on my ability to follow his instructions and take my medications on a consistent basis, as he always does. I'm devoid of emotions, but I still want to live my life. For the sake of my parents, and, of course, because I still want to finish my studies, become a professional photographer, and then have my own photo exhibits. But I know that one day I will die.
After I finish my hospital check-up, I must return to school because I have university classes to attend. At UST, I am a third-year art student (University of St. Therese). It's an all-girls Catholic school with a strict dress code. I've been studying here since pre-school, so this is where I've been studying my entire life! My parents believe that I belong in this type of institution, so they never send me to another. I don't dislike this school; rather, I believe it would be advantageous for me to try studying at a different institution, as I believe I may have felt something there.
Despite the fact that I studied Art as a major at this university, my preferred medium is photography. My parents wanted me to follow in my father's footsteps and become an engineer, but I refused because I am not as talented in mechanical engineering as he is. My mother also suggested that I get a law degree, but I can't even defend myself in front of them. So I chose Art because it was the only option available to me and is the closest major to photography at my university.
Because I am their only child and a girl, my parents are extremely protective of me, so I simply do whatever they tell me to do without question. Sometimes I disagree, but the majority of the time I am unable to carry out my intentions for myself. They always tell me what to do; they don't trust me to make my own decisions.
I don't have many close friends at university. My decision to not have some was based on my uncertainty about how to deal with them properly with emotions. They talk to me, but they also force me to do various tasks for them, which I think is sufficient as long as they communicate with me. I get a little emotional when they do that.
To put it succinctly, I'm nothing more than a puppet to everyone. Everything I do is in accordance with their recommendations; I never disagree because it exhausts my mind to think about those things. As a result, I can easily trust and follow them. I also struggle with self-doubt on a daily basis, so I'm okay with all of this.
I came across a kitten on the side of the road one day. I pulled over in front of the kitten and just stared at it as it wailed nonstop. My mind told me to take the kitten home and care for it, but my heart told me not to because my parents would not let me bring this cat into the house. I finally gave in to my instincts and just took a picture of the kitten. What I really want to do is try something new because it gives me a different feeling. It allows me to feel anything deep within myself, but they always stop me from feeling it. I've attempted it before, but they became enraged and removed the kitten from the house. In contrast, I did nothing and simply let them take the kitten away from me.
I was hanging out in the university cafeteria when one of my block mates called my attention.
'Hi, AC. 'Are you working on anything?' Gean asked.
BTW, we're not friends; I only know her by her first name, and she only speaks to me when she needs something.
'Uhm... I'm... in the middle of... eating,' I replied.
'Oh, you'll be able to have that again later, right?' She smiled at me, sarcastically amused.
'What do you want this time, Gean?'
'Could you please tell me where I can get... condoms?' She moved in closer to my ear and face.
She's up to her old tricks again. Attempting to persuade me to purchase various items. The last time we met, she made me buy two packs of cigarettes.
'At the drugstores,' I responded.
'Would you mind going out and getting some for me?' Gean said as she smiled at me sarcastically.
I exhaled a sigh. With my gaze fixed on hers, I said:
'Where's the money?' I extended my palms to her.
She took a bill from her skirt pocket and handed it to me.
'Thank you, Audria!' she exclaimed, still smiling.
I know you'll think I'm crazy for doing this to myself, but believe me when I say it's better than nothing. I'm just dying to feel something again.
So I went to the drugstore and spent the entire bill on condoms. I'm not interested in whatever she's up to, but if she's just trying to get on my nerves, then good luck to her. I wish her luck.
I go back to the university and wait for Gean to arrive to get her condoms before leaving until the bell rings. She was sitting in an armchair right next to mine when I walked into the classroom. I then took the condoms out of my pocket and placed them on top of the armchair she was sitting in. Everyone in the classroom was aware of my actions and simply laughed at me.
People who are insane. They thought they'd be the ones to benefit from this, but they're completely unaware that I'm the one taking advantage of and using them for my sake.
Gean expresses her gratitude, saying, 'Thank you so much, ACinderella.' She then gave me that smile.
How can I be angry with her when I'm envious of every emotion she's feeling right now? In my mind, I just sigh for her.
That is a lovely given name, though. ACindyrella. In the fairytale, she has a large number of friends, including animals, as opposed to me, who has nothing, not even a single cockroach or bug.
I then took a seat next to Gean in the armchair and inquired:
'It's not a big deal, Gean, and I hope you enjoy it.' I had a blank expression on my face as I looked at her.
'Would you like to come with me?' She erupted in laughter.
Regardless of how desperate I am to feel something, I will never go anywhere, especially if Gean is involved.
'Maybe next time... if I've grown out a d*ck.' I lowered my gaze and indicated my crotch.
Everyone burst out laughing when they heard what I said to Gean. Oh, my word! They have a lot of energy right now. Every time I laugh, I want to be filled with joy as well, because, as you know, my laughter is just a mask for my happiness. It's like writing on a blank piece of paper with a pen that doesn't have any ink. That's the best way to put it.
I returned home without seeing or experiencing anything new today, and I plan to spend the rest of the day at home eating, doing paperwork, and sleeping. That sums up my day-to-day life. My life is extremely boring. No. Actually, I am the monotonous one, not the other way around. What am I supposed to do when I don't even know how to deal with myself in public? I feel as if I'm just floating around like a gust of wind. I've stopped socializing because I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with myself. One of my classmates suggested that I seek professional help. Perhaps she's right. It might be worthwhile to consult with a psychiatrist.