Tom came by the next morning in an attempt to make pleasant conversation. I allowed him to as a reward for giving us peace yesterday from Leopard's pettiness. The ringmaster seemed strange; he was anxiously fidgeting in his place and constantly running a hand through his messy hair. At times, when he spoke, I almost couldn't hear him because of his quiet mumbling. He was too anxious for me to even begin to assume he was drunk. It concerned me greatly but I said nothing about it.
Finally, after a while of chatting that led into silence, Tom looked around briefly before quietly turning to me and asking, "Who did you tell about Lewis and me?"
I paused and stared at him as if he had just accused me of murder, "I'm s-sorry?"
"You heard me, Demmy. Who did you tell?" Tom repeated, but there was no glare in his eyes. Once again, just like the day I had first found out, I saw fear there. In my mind, I saw Ivan, as he was the only man that I had told, but I didn't want to expose him so easily.
"N-no one! Why?" I lied.
"FatCat took me aside to ask questions last night. He wouldn't say names but someone came up and told him. Who was it!?" Tom interrogated. Inside, I was panicking because I didn't know what to say, but I tried to remain calm so it wasn't obvious that I was lying.
"I don't know! I swear!" I insisted. Tom bit his lip and his brow furrowed intently into an expression that could only be described as a toddler about to have a tantrum. I didn't know what to do.
"I'm doomed..." Tom whimpered and without another word, he stomped off back towards his shack of a home. I was left stunned and unable to think of what to do. I didn't think Ivan would go against his word and say something to someone else but he was the only person who could've been the culprit. Leopard certainly wouldn't go to desperate measures as to make Tom's life a living hell. In a split second, the drama had escalated to an extreme and I had no clue how Tom, Leopard, or myself would recover.
When Ivan finally came by with a plate of buttered rolls and his books as per usual, the first thing I asked him was if he spilt Tom's secret.
"I did," Ivan responded without hesitation as he handed me the plate of rolls, "But! Before you yell at me, I had a pretty damn good reason to. Leopard thought it would be a good idea to harass me again and he threatened to spread lies of his own if you didn't back off the ringmaster," he explained.
"Wha-... what k-kind of lies?" I asked.
"He didn't really specify. He said- and I quote- 'if that devil of your's comes near the master again, the entire circus will hear your secrets whether they're true or not,'" Ivan stated with a shrug. "I don't take too kindly to threats, so, I told the other tamers and FatCat."
"The tamers know!?" I exclaimed loudly. Ivan shrugged and stole a roll off my plate.
"What are they gonna do? Tell the whole circus?" he said nonchalantly, a playful smirk threatening to escape his lips. I gaped at him; I can't believe this.
"Yes! Th-that's exactly w-what they'll d-do! Ivan!" I exclaimed in outrage. The man turned to me, innocently staring at me as if I might forgive him if he stared at me long enough.
"Tom d-did nothing! You've r-ruined him!" I said.
"Does it matter? The man abuses you! He deserves it! He and his dick-eating lover both deserve it!" Ivan defended himself but there was a hint of disdain in his tone that I couldn't help but think was too cruel of him. I didn't approve of Tom's relationship, but he was so desperate to make sure I wouldn't say anything and the look in his eyes when he told me he was doomed made me feel horrible that I even told Ivan. I should never have said anything; none of this would've happened if I had just kept my goddamn mouth shut.
"Someth-th-thing b-bad is going to h-happen... I know it," I muttered, hugging my knees to my chest. Finally, Ivan's taunting little smirk disappeared and he frowned.
"Hey... I didn't mean to upset you... but I just don't see how you can still take pity on that man... I won't say anything more to anyone else, I swear," he assured me, but it was no use. I shook my head.
"It's too late..." I responded dully. I refused to acknowledge his remark about how I still pity the ringmaster. I shouldn't pity him... but I do and I hate him for it.
"If it helps, I can ask TomCat if you can have another free day to yourself today...?" Ivan suggested timidly. I finally looked over at him; he had caught my interest now.
"This time, we can go around the whole carnival if you want," he tempted with a smile and extended his hand through the bars. The idea did sound tempting and I smiled at the thought of running free for a whole day again. I eventually gave in and took his hand, agreeing to his suggestion.
"Okay," I smiled.
...
I ran with a purpose, feeling the breeze against my legs and through my hair and wishing for nothing better. I felt lighter than air and the dirt was so soft beneath my bare feet. The sound of music and laughter was in my ears and the glimmering lights of the attractions and the sparkle of the carousel were all I could see. People were merely a grey blur in my peripheral as they shuffled out of my way and gawked in surprise. I didn't care that they thought it was odd to see me running wild through the circus grounds.
Ivan called after me, doing his best to keep up but constantly being stopped and slowed down by crowds of people. He was supposed to be supervising me but we experienced the circus together as a couple of friends.
I finally stopped in front of a carnival game, run by a rather cocky young boy and I stared at it excitedly, taking in the bright colours and flashing lights. Ivan finally caught up to me and he leaned on my shoulder while he caught his breath. I asked him if it were possible that I could play and, without a word to me, he attracted the young boy's attention, handed him a few coins and asked for one round. The boy pocketed the coins and handed him three baseballs, to which, Ivan handed them to me and instructed me to throw them as hard as I could at the targets.
I put everything I could into each throw but unfortunately, each time, I missed the target pathetically. I grumbled as I walked away while Ivan attempted to cheer me up and assure me the games were rigged anyway. I didn't doubt him, but I was bummed nonetheless. However, my mood was quickly lifted the moment I smelled a familiar smell. A buttered popcorn stand was nearby and the seller was drizzling hot caramel over the popcorn. My mouth watered at the sight and I refused to move on until Ivan had to give in once again to my childish demands and buy a bag for each of us.
We munched while we walked and admired the sights around us. I was completely in a world of utter bliss, my inner child never felt more pleased in her life! The magic that I thought couldn't get any better when I was younger didn't come close to the magic of realising I was very wrong back then. The circus could get better, and it did. It appeared as official as an amusement park and the smiling, laughing faces only made it better.
I caught sight of the carousel and I immediately dragged Ivan with me towards it. I hadn't been on that ride since I was very little and I never knew how much I missed riding that hunk of machinery until I saw its golden glow and heard its merry music. I dragged Ivan into the line and once we were on, I excitedly chose a horse to mount and Ivan mounted the one next to me. I couldn't even contain my elated smile and it was apparently contagious as Ivan was smiling with me.
When the music began again and the platform began to turn, moving the horses with them, my giggling emerged and I was as giddy as my eight-year-old self. I ended up pretending I was on a real horse and I soon became so lost in my own mind that I was startled when I felt something small and hard hit me in the face. I jumped momentarily and quickly turned to Ivan, who laughed and teased me for my small scare.
"Oh shut up!" I frowned and threw a piece of popcorn back at him. He yelped and scowled jokingly at me; I only laughed back at him. Even when our laughter died down, we continued to gaze at each other for a while. There was an expression on Ivan's face that was rare but I always thought it looked good on him; he wasn't quite smiling with his lips but he was smiling with his eyes and it made his round face boyishly handsome. I don't know how he does it; how could he smile so effortlessly without using his lips and still look so happy?
Neither of us knew we had stared at each other until the carousel ride was over until the horses jolted to a stop. We clambered off and walked away giggling awkwardly to ourselves without seemingly any reason at all. Our giggles and laughs lasted all the way until I found more games to partake in and some attractions that I wanted so desperately to see. We finally saw FatCat's strongman act, we saw the aerialists perform a small acrobatics feat, we even watched a skit performed by the clowns, and of course, how could we miss out on seeing the individual human curiosities?
Ivan even took me into the petting zoo area, where I finally got to ride a real horse for the first time ever, despite it being rather small and led around a set path. I had a lot of fun and the horse was very sweet and well-trained. Even after the horse ride, AdventureCat (who takes care of the horses and petting zoo during the Big show and therefore, she's not in the show and hadn't seen me in literal years) commented on how much I've grown into a beautiful woman. I was very flattered and I thanked her with the manners that I had learned from Ivan.
By the end of the night, I wasn't even close to exhausted and I still wanted to do much more around the circus; however, Ivan stated the circus was soon closing and we should take a ride on the Ferris wheel while everyone's busy with the grand show that marks the end of the night. I agreed with him, as I had been excited to ride the Ferris wheel all day but there was so much to see that I pushed it to the back of my mind and saved it for the end. It's a good thing too since by this time of night, the line was short and it was quiet, save for the muffled excitement in the Big Top.
We boarded the swaying cart carefully and once the wheel began to spin, I have to admit, I was a little nervous being in such a shady contraption. Ivan assured me it was okay and to simply focus on the view and nothing else. I wanted to talk with my dear friend, but as the cart began to approach its highest point, he insisted on telling me to look out as far as I could see. When I finally listened... I was completely and utterly dumbfounded.
For miles in all directions, there was nothing but trees, mountains, and stars. I only saw the silhouette of the wilderness beyond and the glimmer of the stars bordered the trees. They sparkled and shimmered brightly against the navy blue backdrop and in that moment, I felt as if I could touch their beauty. They sparkled in many colours as well; blues, whites, reds, and yellows, even the occasional green, they reminded me of the sparkle of some of the performers' costumes but even that didn't do the stars and cosmos justice. I was in awe with wonder and when I looked down to see how high we were, I could see the entire expanse of our now vast carnival. The Big Top was huge, but up here, it was just a cluster of blue and gold tents that glowed like a lantern in the woods.
I still couldn't look away from the floor even when the cart slowly came down again. I saw people heading home with their families and they were as small as ants. Even the other tents looked minuscule compared to where I was.
Our cart rounded the start and that's when I turned to Ivan thinking the ride was over.
"Do we h-have to g-get off?" I wondered in disappointment. Ivan shook his head with a smile.
"No, we go around several times, so don't worry," he informed and I smiled brightly and I scooted closer to him to enjoy the stars once again with the warmth of someone next to me. Ivan wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I sunk deeper into the crook of his armpit, the warmth encasing me like a blanket.
"I like th-this," I stated softly, my smile never once faltering.
"What? The view? Or my arm around you?" Ivan answered. I thought for a moment but it wasn't long before I began to feel my face grow hot and I smiled like an idiot.
"I think... both," I answered timidly and I finally tore my eyes away from the stars to look at Ivan. That look in his eyes was back but I had no idea what to do about it. We stared at each other again like we had on the carousel, but this time it seemed different somehow. We were closer and I was practically in his arms. My blush had grown so intense that I'm sure it was visible even without sufficient light and for the first time in a long while, a fluttering in my loins made itself known.
Ivan giggled nervously and I responded with an equally flustered huff. I could tell neither of us knew what to do at the moment; should we go forward? Should we move away? I certainly didn't want to move away, I was too comfortable and warm, but at the same time, I was too scared and awkward to go forward.
I cleared my throat and bit my lip as I thought and my eyes subconsciously drifted to Ivan's hand. It rested limply on his thigh as if beckoning me to grab it. I knew I could do something as simple as that, but I wasn't sure if he would return the grasp. Still, with the look he was giving me, I felt confident he would at least take my hand in his; so, with the subtlest of scoots, I inched my fingers towards his and gently touched his fingers. In an instant, he understood and tenderly took my hand in his, caressing my knuckles with his thumb. My stomach fluttered again and I glanced back up at Ivan.
The smile in his eyes finally made its way to his lips and he chuckled softly to himself.
"W-what...?" I wondered softly.
"Oh, it's uh... it's nothing... um..." Ivan stammered awkwardly and turned away. I thought I had done something wrong at first until I noticed during a brief illuminated moment that his face was red as well and I couldn't help but giggle.
"You're blushing!" I pointed out and let go of his hand to poke his cheek. He pushed my hand away and once again faced me, however, this time, he placed my forehead against his and, with the hand that he had freed, he placed gently on my cheek.
"Be quiet," he ordered with a small laugh. I held my breath and the sound of my heartbeat became heavy and fast in my ears. Still, I didn't possess the guts to even tilt my head and lean forward a mere two inches. And it seemed as if Ivan felt the same and it irritated me because neither of us was brave enough and we remained in this stagnant moment; my body turned to his, tucked comfortably under his arm, one hand on his shoulder while the other rested on top of his hand that was placed on my cheek, and our heads rested against each other, the tips of our noses touching and our breath, which was laden with the remnants of caramelized popcorn and candy floss, grazed each other's lips like the tickle of butterfly wings against our skin.
All at once, however, the moment was abruptly destroyed when the Ferris wheel jolted to a stop. It surprised us both and we both blinked and gasped as if we were being pulled out of a trance by cold water. When we realised what had happened, we both burst into fits of giggles and laughter at the situation. Again, neither of us knew what to say or do, so we were left with an unbearable awkward tension that lasted all the way until we got off the Ferris wheel and began to walk back to my cage to settle down for the night.
As much as I would like for my night to continue, I had to face the darkening tents and empty carnival booths that signified the closing of the circus. Families passed us by in clusters as they made their way to the front gates to head home. It seemed everywhere I looked, I saw a smiling couple cling to each other and expressing how much fun they had that day. I was being teased for being cowardly on the Ferris wheel. I knew it.
Ivan and I walked in silence all the way to my cage, but we meandered slowly and we flashed each other awkward yet playful smiles. I was focused on the ground before me as I walked, but I could feel Ivan's gentle gaze and I knew he was also thinking of the Ferris wheel as much as I was.
When we got to my cage, we both stopped and took yet another awkward moment to see if we could say more to each other.
"Well, uh..." Ivan started, "I had fun."
"Yeah! M-me too! Th-thanks for d-dealing with m-me the wh-whole day," I chuckled and fiddled with the lace trim on my skirt.
"Aha. No problem at all, Angel... well... goodnight then," Ivan smiled awkwardly.
"Yeah, good-n-night, Sloth... see you t-tomorrow," I responded. The silence that befell us was unbearable and we stood like idiots, gazing everywhere but at each other and fumbling with our fingers. Finally, Ivan smiled awkwardly again and turned to depart. I stared after him, not really sure what to do next and still mentally processing my day.
However, just before I was about to turn and climb inside my cage, Ivan stopped where he was for a moment, turned around, and jogged back over.
"Ivan, are y-you okay?" I wondered to the man, but he didn't respond. Instead, he came up to me once again with a conflicted expression on his features and his hands up as if he were going to grab me by my shoulders. I was too bewildered to move and I simply stared at him as I muttered, "wha-?"
Before I could even comprehend what was happening, Ivan's hands were on the sides of my head and he had pulled me in for a tender kiss. I never felt my body heat up faster, nor grow limp; I knew what was happening but at the same time I didn't and my mind was a mix of emotions and thoughts that happened too quickly for me to even remember. I could only focus on the buzzing in my stomach, the fluttering in my heart, and the warmth and tenderness in Ivan's kiss.
It was not a quick peck. It was anything but a quick peck. His kiss was long and deep and no emotion was held back as he moved his lips across my own. When my brain had finally recovered from the shock of it all, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders while he held my defeated body up by the waist.
When he finally relented, he stared at me breathlessly and wide-eyed as if he, himself, couldn't believe what he had just done. I stared back and for a few silent moments, we stared at each other in disbelief.
"I'm sorry that took so long for me to do..." Ivan whispered, still shocked.
"Oh! It's fine!" I squeaked back.
Ivan forced an awkward laugh, "I-uh-... I guess we were both... weird."
"Ahah... yeah..." I agreed.
"Okay, goodnight now," Ivan stated, finally letting me go (albeit reluctantly).
"Yeah, goodnight... I'll s-see you t-tomorrow," I answered. Ivan sighed and at last, a small smile crept onto his lips. He nodded at me and promptly turned and left. I didn't know what to make of the situation, but after standing outside of my cage for a while processing what just transpired, I eventually smiled. I went to bed smiling and blushing and going over my day in my mind, only to relive that flutter in my stomach as I remembered Ivan's sweet kiss...