Every day felt like torture but I endured it all. I endured it for myself, I endured it for the circus, I endured it for Ivan. It's hard being patient and pretending to be oblivious. I just want to leave now and forget everything but I'm stuck here waiting because I have to fix Tom's mistakes.
So far, I have been taken out of my cage for days on end (spending my nights in bed beside the ringmaster) and given my own show with Ivan as the announcer. Tom spoils me but his actions haven't gone unnoticed. Leopard harasses Tom and on rare occasions, he becomes brave enough to harass me. Tom and Leopard, more often than not, get into heated arguments (sometimes in the middle of the day when guests are around) about ridiculous subjects. Everything from the unfairness of Leopard's paycheck, to the abuse of Tom's performers and animals, even the ringmaster's alcohol abuse is screamed about for all to hear. On one particularly drunken night, Leopard even attacked Tom and beat him senseless. The attack was only stopped when Lion and Bear saw the scuffle and came to throw Leopard out.
TomCat spent the next few nights in a hospital in town while Leopard cried self-defence. Naturally, no one believed him but he wasn't fired because... well... the boss was in a hospital and unable to make decisions. Not even FatCat knew what to do about the man and he was the co-manager. I asked him myself why he didn't throw out the freakshow leader himself and he responded with, "I don't make a decision until I have the ringmaster's approval... but goddamn, I wish I could. No one in this circus should ever get away with something like that."
So, until Tom returned (not even remembering all the details from the night he was attacked because he was drunk), Leopard remained and played the victim as usual. He told everyone that Tom wanted to do sexual things to him and wouldn't take no for an answer, so Leopard acted in self-defence. At this, no one was sure what to believe, not even the tamers who witnessed the fight. FatCat took matters into his own hands to get the real story, but he received no luck from asking Tom.
Tom ended up making his situation worse without even realising because he couldn't confirm nor deny accusations or rumours. If I were any other woman, I would've felt bad for the man, but I didn't. My only reaction when Ivan and I discussed all that was happening was to laugh... and I laughed hard. But alas, if I wanted Tom to continue to spoil me and aid in my escape, I needed to find a way to save his ass.
I ended up concocting a story to tell to FatCat when he came to ask questions and I told him I had witnessed Leopard making the sexual advances to Tom rather than the other way around. In all honesty, I hadn't heard or seen anything, but my story was convincing enough for FatCat to believe me and Leopard was finally fired a week before the new show.
He left quietly without protest and FatCat escorted him out. I never felt happier to see that pipe billowing smoke for the last time. I was glad the cause of our troubles was finally out of our hair and many others shared my relief. We could finally focus on the new show and I could finally only worry about one thing rather than multiple.
At last, the day came and it was worse than I had originally anticipated. I was doubting myself the whole day and nervous about how the show would go. Tom was still a wreck from everything that had happened to him in such a short amount of time and that made everyone nervous. Still, all of us persevered throughout the day and now, I stood behind the backstage curtain, listening to Tom speak about a special act he would like to open the show with.
"Joining me in this act is our one and only Demon," Tom introduced from in the ring and I felt my heartbeat spike.
Here goes nothing...
The spotlights were blinding when I entered the ring and I could feel everyone's eyes upon me- the performers included. Everyone in the troupe bordered the ring and watched curiously, waiting anxiously for what was going to happen. I could feel the cold sweat on my palms and neck and my heart was racing. I wanted to run and hide but I knew I couldn't. This was a vital step in my move to escape and I could not run from it now.
I took my place beside the ringmaster and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him while I gulped down my terror and prepared my excitement.
TomCat turned to me and took my hand in both of his, I only stared back with what I hoped was a convincing surprised expression, "Tae Vlamorae, despite everything and everyone, you still stuck by my side through the years and supported me no matter what. You gave me happiness when no one else could and because of that, I owe my whole life to you. So, it seems only fitting that I ask you to share your life with me," and Tom got down on one knee, reached into his pocket, and held out a small black box for me to see. I felt sick to my stomach as I put a hand to my mouth and pretended to be happy. This was it.
I could hear the crowd's anticipating gasps from the stands and, in the corner of my eye, I could see the intent gazes of the performers. I'm sure they expected me to give him a hard "no"
"Will you marry me?" Tom asked with a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face. The ring box opened and never had I seen a more dazzling ring. A large rectangular sapphire sat in a nest of sparkling diamonds on a ring of sterling silver. If there was anything that helped me fuel my false happiness, it was that ring.
I nodded and quickly hugged him around his neck so I didn't have to face the judgmental stares of the artists. I allowed the joyous cheering and applause to drown out the sound of my racing heartbeat. To my dismay, Tom wouldn't allow my hug to last long and he pulled me away in order to place the ring on my finger and kiss me.
I was absolutely appalled that I had to kiss this man in front of Ivan and I could only imagine the heartbreak he felt. I pulled away from the kiss before it went on too long and simply gazed at Tom with my best impression of a truly happy smile. He gazed back with an equally delighted smile but there was no lie. He was truly happy.
Finally, Tom returned to the crowd to calm them as he said happily, "Thank you, everyone, so much for everything! I appreciate it so much! But now... on with the real show!" and before I could even prepare, Tom had grabbed my hand and we were running backstage to get to our next places. Everything was a blur around me and when I looked to the side to see the performers, their expressions all blurred together into one expression: shock.
I couldn't even focus on the performance. I went through the motions with ease but there was no adrenaline to be found. No energy, no passion... nothing. I was too busy remembering the faces of the other artists. There was disgust, I saw horror in their eyes, outrage, confusion, shock. None of them were happy. I couldn't stop thinking about their reactions, no matter how hard I tried to put my head in the show, their eyes were always there; watching me, judging me. Ivan wasn't even present for the performance.
My mind was being bombarded by a flood of lights, loud sounds, strange sensations all over my body, weird smells and it made me want to explode in a fit of screams. It was a never-ending onslaught of activity and it was too much for my brain to handle; I was very close to cracking... so close. But thank whatever god was listening because the show finally ended before I finally snapped and I quickly evacuated the Big Top to calm myself in the Backyard.
I hadn't even realised I was crying until the calm evening breeze blew into my face and dried my tears. I clutched my chest in pain and breathed heavily but nothing I thought of could put an end to the panic attack that had made itself known. I grasped my skirt tightly in my hands and forced my eyes shut, attempting to direct my focus on the silence around me.
It's quiet, breathe... Breathe... it's quiet. I'm out of the ring. It's all over...
My breathing slowed, my tears subsided to small sniffles, and finally, after a long moment, I felt calm again. After a long deep breath, I relaxed my hands and wiped away my tears. Sooner or later, I would have to face everyone again and I needed to be strong when I did so. Humans are strong and I wanted to show everyone that I was human.
I walked through the crowd of performers and avoided their odd gazes. I could tell they wanted to say something but didn't want to offend me out of fear. They huddled amongst themselves and whispered to each other and I forced myself to move on and ignore them. It's for my own good. It'll be over and done with soon and then it won't matter.
However, before I could escape the Big Top, someone grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards them. I gasped and turned to the culprit, but the moment my eyes landed on Ivan's puffy red eyes and tear-streaked face, I paused. My heart never dropped more quickly in my life.
"Ivan..." I uttered.
"Why?..." he responded with a subtle shake of his head, "Why him!?"
"Ivan, please... I c-c-ca-"
"I thought you were against him after what he did to you! You're marrying him now?" Ivan interrupted me.
"Please l-let me exp-p-plain!" I demanded. Ivan's deep frown as he gazed at me made me feel like nothing but a monster. I knew this would hurt him but nothing could prepare me for how it would go in person.
"We made a-a deal... we made a deal..." I stammered. Ivan shook his head again.
"What? We had so many chances to run away! I gave you so many chances to get out of here! What deal could possibly have made!?" he argued. I could no longer contain myself in front of him and I broke down into tears. I sobbed as if my whole life were falling apart before my eyes because, in a way, it was falling apart. I was losing everything with every passing second and I didn't know how to fix it.
"I- I'm sorry..." I sobbed. I embraced Ivan as tightly as I could and cried into his shoulder. I didn't want him to hate me; he was the one person who I didn't want to turn against me. I didn't care if everyone else despised me but if I lost Ivan, I would have no will to live.
I cried into his shoulder for what seemed like an eternity, and Ivan merely stood there. I was afraid he no longer wanted to deal with me and I was going to accept that reality when I finally sniffled and backed away from him. I was preparing myself to apologise for everything and allow Ivan to leave despite every will in my body refusing to let him go. However, when I looked up at him, he said very quietly, "let's just... please talk it out. I-... I'm confused..."
There was no way in Heaven or Hell that I would pass up the chance to explain myself and repair things. I didn't want to lose Ivan; I couldn't lose Ivan.
I told him my entire plan. Every detail was relayed to him and even though my horrendous stuttering prolonged my explanation, I got through it. Ivan was silent when I finished speaking, but after taking his time to think, he reluctantly nodded and told me with a heavy heart that he would wait patiently for me.
My happiness when he said those words was immeasurable and all I could do at that moment was hug him and thank him over and over. He returned my hug finally and the familiar warmth that enveloped me instantly raised my spirits. No amount of gratitude could be expressed for how thankful I was for Ivan. I swore to myself that I would make it up to him once we were gone from this place.
I only left him when one of the other tamers showed up to tell me that TomCat was searching for me. We parted with a quick goodbye and for the rest of the night, I had to endure the ringmaster. He was oblivious to everything that I felt and oh-so-joyful about our newly announced engagement and it made me once again feel like a monster for hurting Ivan.
I went to bed, wrapped in Tom's arms and all I could think of was how filthy I felt laying next to him.