When TomCat came back from his little outing into town, he wouldn't tell anybody about what he did, not even me. I won't lie, I was a little suspicious of him, but his excitement and giddy attitude towards everyone made me begin to suspect that what he did had to relate to the marriage proposal he was so excited for. God, help me. Ivan even noted his upbeat mood and thought it was strange considering his recent breakup and his broken reputation; I had to keep my mouth shut and simply agree that it was strange.
That entire day was nothing short of tense and full of anxiety, especially since Tom had arrived fairly late and was scrambling to get ready for the show. He wasn't even in costume five minutes before the show started and it made us all nervous that we might need to start late. However, we managed to start on time, although he wasn't wearing an ounce of makeup.
That day was hectic; however, today is different. The ringmaster had ordered a sign to be put up stating that our shows would only be performed at the end of the week until Saturday at the end of the month. He wanted to run a new routine with everyone, including the Freakshow. It was obvious to me now why Tom wanted to run this new routine. It was clear this was how he would publically propose and the entire show after said proposal was a celebration of sorts. I almost considered saying no to him to publicly embarrass him in front of hundreds but I decided against it in favour of sticking to my escape plan.
The rehearsals were long and tedious. Artists were forced to do acrobatics they weren't normally used to, including me. For the first time in years, I was on the trapeze with the other aerialists and the feats left me sore. In fact, the entire rehearsal left everyone sore and by the end of the first week, we were all complaining and cursing the ringmaster for this cruel new show. They desperately wanted to know why this new show was even taking place and even Leopard (who surprisingly hadn't left the troupe yet) was disdainful of Tom's obvious favouritism of me in the show.
I was the star of the show and, while I had a general idea of why I couldn't tell anyone because Tom wouldn't either. I wanted to play innocent and pretend as if I had no clue why I was being shown off like a fresh new tight-rope walker in a sparkling tutu and tights. Ivan thought my stardom was odd for Tom to do and he expressed his confusion to me while he walked me back to my cage. I wanted so badly to tell him but I was so afraid of how he would react. All those tender, loving moments we shared were completely thrown away because I seemingly chose the man he saved me from over him; I knew it would hurt him. But whether he would cry or yell at me, I didn't want to find out.
He would visit me and we would lay in each other's arms on the nights that Tom didn't come to visit. I was in pure bliss on those nights and it made me wish that the man I was engaged to was the man who taught me how to be human. But alas, Tom and I were in an agreement and he began to visit every night to talk about this agreement.
And as expected, Ivan found out while he was on his way for his own visit. He saw Tom talking with me and didn't even bother to stop by afterwards for his own visit. He waited until the very next morning when we talked about his nightly visits. He was rightfully upset at the ringmaster and I could tell when he spoke that he was frustrated and jealous.
A few words he said stuck with me and it made me reconsider my choice to give Tom the satisfaction of having a repaired reputation, "Why can't we just leave now and forget all of this?"
What was I thinking?
I'm a coward, that's why. Or am I? I was not afraid of hopping out of my cage at that moment, taking Ivan's hand and bolting into the woods without a single consideration for how everyone else would feel. I wanted to be selfish like that; however, I remained rooted to my spot like an obedient dog. I would rather wait for that right moment when no one expected it to happen. Why? Am I a coward? Would cowardice even describe that motive? I read a word in Ivan's dictionary once that maybe would fit better: Diabolical. With the characteristics of the devil, or so evil as to be suggestive of the devil.
Maybe the real reason I want to wait just a little longer is that I want the satisfaction of leaving Tom as broken, empty, and confused as he had left me when he first visited my cage that night when I was only eleven. I wanted to know he suffered while I gained happiness and strength alongside my real best friend and perhaps one day, I would revisit the circus to see its progress. Maybe it would be under new ownership after Tom had died of alcohol poisoning in an attempt to drown his sorrows. Or maybe he finally cracked and went insane while the rest of the circus flourishes without him. Or maybe, after Tom's decline, the rest of the artists realised their potential and left for better opportunities and left the carnival in ruins. Any outcome along those lines would bring me satisfaction; just as long as Tom is suffering, I will revel in his pain and live peacefully with the knowledge that I am where he stood and he is where I lay crying.
I'm not a coward... I'm stronger than I've ever been before and I want my revenge.