I had my first doctors appointment today. Aunt Cheri was the one who went with me so I wouldn't have to go alone. The doctors office would basically tell me how far along I was and checking on the embryo. It will be my first ultrasound as well.
When we get there, it's almost empty.
"So how's Sarah?" I ask her as we sit down. Filling out a form I got when I checked in.
"She's fine." Aunt Cheri says. "Want to know how Josh is doing?"
"Not really." I don't look at her.
Truth is, I missed Josh with every aching bone in my body. I only did what I did because he deserved a better future. Sarah was right, I would just be using him and a part of me wanted to cry. I loved him so much and I only wanted what was best. Ever since Celeste was murdered, things have been harder. Josh isn't here to accompany me anymore and I miss laying into his chest with the comfort of his arms around me. I feel a tear fall. Aunt Cheri sees.
"Oh honey," she places her arm around me and pulls me as close as she can with the chair handle between us. "He's pining over you so much. You should just be with him."
I'm done filling out the forms so I set them down on the empty chair next to me.
"I can't do this to him," I point between us. "He needs to go off to Arizona and get his degree." I finally look at her. "He shouldn't have to raise a kid that isn't his. Sarah was right, he deserves his own." I walk up and give the receptionist the filled out form. She gives me a sympathetic smile, she probably overheard. I go sit back down next to Aunt Cheri.
"He loves you honey," she grabs and squeezes my hand.
"Just don't tell me about Josh anymore," I sigh. "He will move on someday."
-
Days go by filled with heartbreak. I spent a lot of time sitting on the edge of my bed looking out the window. I sometimes sat on the window seal too when my back needed support. I felt how much my heart broke. I felt every tear drop and a sting in my eyes from how much I was crying.
I was wearing one of Josh's sweaters and smelling it. He was the only guy who ever really loved me and I wondered if I would ever find it again. I don't think so and even if I did, they'd leave me somehow.
I think about my final moments with Celeste. How full of life and joy she was. How she was the person who least deserved that. How much she loved me as a best friend. The privilege I had to meet her and be her best friend. I would always remember her my first girl crush and truest girl friend. Josh brought her justice and I don't even have him anymore.
~
Flashback:
Celeste and I were sitting on her couch. Our usual movie night just missing Josh because he was studying.
She had the popcorn resting on her thighs. She was sitting with her legs crossed.
"I'm so glad I met you." She says as she stuffs a piece into her mouth. She chews while someone's getting brutally stabbed to death on the television. Some hot brunette in a pink jacket tied up in the woods with a bunch of guys singing "Jenny I've got your number" as she screams on the screen. And I try not to pay attention too much to the gore.
"I'm so glad I met you too." I steal some popcorn.
"This is the best part, it's coming up." Celeste says. And it's now some nerdy blonde girl and that same brunette talking on her bed. The brunette takes off the glasses from the blonde girl and sets them down. They start making out and it's getting steamy. The blonde girl freaks out and stops and the brunette is laughing.
"It's the moment I realized I was gay. Twelve years old and my pussy tingled for the first time." She says casually. I spit out a piece of popcorn as I laugh my ass off.
"Thanks for the visual." I say.
"Oh you wish!" She nudges my arm.
"Do you ever want kids?" I randomly ask. She pauses the movie.
"Well that was random." She giggles. "But honestly no. Who would want to bring anyone into this fucked up shithole?" She pauses and turns to me. "People are liars and cruel. We don't deserve Earth!"
"Well geee," I laugh. "I only wanted to talk about our possible futures together since we're stuck together forever as best friends."
"Oh." She awkwardly pops another piece of popcorn in her mouth then laughs. "Oops, guess I'll try again." She smiles. "But I see a future where you and I, most likely Josh too are all going to school together and living in an apartment together. Or renting a house. Something, I don't know but we're all together. And we're those real life happy best friends there for either like that stupid sitcom."
"Hey Friends is not a stupid sitcom!" I defend my favorite show. "But I love that. I hope one day we will." I steal another piece from her thighs.
"Promise we will?" She extends her pinky.
"I promise!" I give her my pinky and we both kiss our hands.
-
The doctors visit went well. My baby is now the size of a peanut and in a couple moths I'd know the gender. I hoped for a boy secretly but I knew I'd love it no matter what. I had to return next month but until then I'd keep up my normal life until I got bigger. When we got home, Aunt Cheri made stuffed bell peppers with steamed rice on the side. Orange juice to drink and I was in heaven.
"Why don't you just talk to him?" Aunt Cheri ruins the heavenly bliss.
"Aunt Cheri please!" I sigh. "Not again." I try to take my first bite but she interrupts.
"He's so in love with you!" She pleads. "You're going to regret letting him go!" She warns. "That's all I'm saying. So fix things while you can. It's hard enough to find a man while you're single. It'll be harder when you're pregnant with a big belly or with a child at home. Guys only ever want one thing and you're letting the guy who doesn't just want that one thing go." She sighs. "He's so torn. Sarah has been whining about how she can't pull him out of this funk!"
"Im in love with him too you know?" I say with a bite inches from my lips. "He has things to do in his life besides raise a child that isn't his." I go into take in the bite of food but again, interrupted.
"It's just that I can't be there for you all the time!" She slams her hand on the table. "You both deserve to be happy with one another! I'm hardly here as it is. Just look at what happened to poor Anne. I wasn't here enough," she starts to cry a little. "I don't want to do this again."
"You won't have to.." I drop my fork and touch her hand. I rub my thumb on it. "I'll do it alone…." I start to say.
"Like hell you will!" She laughs. "You know in your stubborn heart and mind that you are NOT letting him go!" She moves her hand and uses it to take a bite out of her plate. "I refuse to sit by and listen to my future wife cry over her sons heartbreak because of my idiot niece!" She laughs. I laugh too. She's right. I promised.
"What would I even say to get him to forgive me?" I ask her. I keep on swallowing my plate down. It's delicious.
"I'm sorry for starters," she giggles. "God you're unbelievable. Go suck his cock and call it good." I choke on my food a little.
"Aunt Cheri!" I shout.
"Oh cut it out, you're pregnant for Gods sake." She chuckles and I do too.
"Shall we binge romantic comedies today?" I ask her.
"I'd be glad too." She smiles and takes our plates. "Seconds?" She asks as she walks to the counter where the glass plates are full of food.
"Yes please!" I rub my belly. She laughs at me.
"God, you're what I always pictured if I had my own child." She chuckles to herself lightly then sighs. "I definitely would've had tanner blonde though." She teases.
"Hey!" I say. "I'm a pretty brunette. Plus you can always do my ends blonde!"
"Maybe." She says as she walks our plates back to the table.
We watched How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days and then 50 First Dates after dinner. Although Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore should've been endgame in real life, the story was so sad. It made us cry every time. This was the first time we cuddled on the couch together for a movie night since we lost Anne. Anne would always sit on Aunt Cheris right so I was on her left. It's almost like she was still there though. Adam Sandler was her favorite actor and she was obsessed with Little Nicky. I thought of her while we watched the movies. Then I thought of Celeste. And how much I knew they would've liked each other.