JOSH
My heart is fucking broken.
I loved Ariel with my whole heart and all I wanted was to be with her. I hoped to be the future step father of her child but now that dream was crushed. I secretly wished my mom would bitch to Cheri who would then bitch to Ariel and make her realize.
It was a few days since the break up had occurred. I hadn't eaten, I hardly slept, and I thought a lot about Celeste. I brought her justice without knowing but I wish I could go back, tie that mother fucker up, and cut his fuckin…
The door opens with Cheri behind it, interrupting my murderous thoughts.
"I hope this isn't a bad time." She smiles. She brought tupper ware. "Sarah isn't home so I let myself in. I brought you some left overs!" She sets them on my desk and then sits on the edge of my bed.
"I'm not hungry…" I lie.
"Oh hush!" She giggles. "It's still warm if you wanna go down and have some lunch at the table with me."
"No thanks," I give her a small fake smile.
"You know Ari is just as miserable," she sighs. "Had to force her to eat too."
"How's the baby doing?" I ask.
"Healthy as ever!" She beams. She pulls out pictures from her purse. Ultrasound pictures and she points out where the baby is. It's the size of a bean. I feel a tear forming in my eyes. I dwelled on Ariel and Celeste and how much I missed them both so much. How Celeste would be teasing the hell out of the both of us since we're about to have a kid. I wondered for a second what Ariel would do.
"How is she?" I blurt.
"Oh honey," she squeezes my hand. "She is miserable! She's locking herself in her room staring out that damn window. She missed Celeste and you! Don't tell her I said anything but I don't think she could do this alone," Cheri sighs. "Ariel is strong but how strong can a person be until they've had enough? I don't want her to reach her breaking point. Go get her back."
"I don't think it's up to me anymore," I sigh in defeat. "What's the lunch you brought me?" I ask, changing the topic. The tear finally fell. I wanted nothing more than to be with Ariel.
"Left overs from last night. Stuffed bell peppers with steamed rice on the side. You gotta eat in the kitchen though!" Cheri stands and grabs the plate. I follow behind her. I help her set the table. I knew mom would be home soon and it would be us three for lunch.
"You'd really let her go?" She asks once we sit down.
"I could never." I sigh. She's the one.
ARIEL
I'm at eight weeks now. Fun fact, the hands and feet are currently forming the toes and the fingers. Eyes also develop pigment and genitals began to develop but it's way too soon to tell the gender. I have missed the second period thank God. Aunt Cheri told me how my mom had hers throughout her pregnancy with me. One time it was still heavy that she thought she had a miscarriage. It was a huge ordeal and Aunt Cheri held her hand throughout the whole visit.
The only things that really sucked about being pregnant were the constant nausea, constantly having to take a piss, sore breasts, and feeling exhausted. I knew that the depression and grief wasn't helping but deep down I couldn't help myself. I missed my two closest friends and I wished they were still here. Cuddled up watching horror movies. I missed that the most. I thought about my birthday. How Celeste and I were suppose to get matching tattoos but we would never now.
Aunt Cheri insisted I could still go to Rosemond or I could be home schooled and she'd pay for the teacher or would do it herself, whatever I wanted. I just couldn't decide what to do or where to go.
What I really wanted was already taken from me and I had no idea how to mend things with Josh. I feel like I make it worst the longer I wait but at the same time I would feel bad if I just admitted my mistake and begged for another chance. He could go off to Arizona and live a happy better life without me. I know that was never the plan but life is full of unexpected surprises. Like Anne's death, like Celeste's murder.
I do what I always do when things are like this. I stare out my window and pretend like Anne is just coming home soon. Like I'm waiting for her car to pull up to the driveway and rush inside the house. I finally lose that dream, that hope. That feeling fades and I wish I was pulling up to Celeste's driveway. I close my eyes and imagine myself in Josh's passenger seat on a Friday afternoon, going to Celeste's house and watching some horror movie. I dream of her while I nap.
Flashback:
Josh and I were official. He was driving us to Celeste's house as we were about to share the good news. We made a quick stop at his house, he changed his shirt since I covered it in vomit. He wore a white long sleeved thick thermal. He looked good and he sprayed some cologne on him. I wanted to go all the way then and there but we agreed to take it slow.
"You're gorgeous you know?" He grabs my left hand and pulls it to his lips and kisses it. He keeps his eyes on the road. I thank goodness because I'm blushing like a tomato.
"You're so handsome." I say and I kiss his hand back. He smiles big, still staring ahead.
When he finally gets to Celeste's house, we pull into her driveway. She's waiting for us at her door.
"Well well what's the good news?" She's standing with her arms crossed. I get out of the car first and start walking towards her.
"You're about to die of excitement and joy cause its a double whammy!" Josh says as he gets out. He clicks his keys twice, double locking his truck.
"Just tell me already god damn," she chuckles.
I grab her wrists with my hands and I tell her.
"I'm pregnant.." I smile.
"No fuckin way!" She smiles huge. The biggest smile I've ever seen on her face.
"And we're dating." Josh adds coming up behind me and wrapping his arm around me.
"It's official," I say. "I'm a cuffed woman now." I wave my empty ring finger. Josh giggles at me and I get the feeling that he intends on filling my empty finger.
"Fucking finally!" She bursts with joy. She hugs the both of us tightly. A huge group hug. She lets go. "You better treat my girl good or imma cut your balls up!" She warns Josh. He laughs.
"Okay master, as you wish," he grabs my hand and kisses it. We stay holding hands.
"So are we just gonna freeze out here?" I ask. I point out to the snow.
"No come in!" She laughs. "Josh you're making our popcorn." She demands as she closes the door behind us. We watched Black Christmas that night until Celeste's parents started fighting again. We went to Josh's house afterwards.
~
The next few days are a drag. I'm drowning in self pity mixed with a little grief. If I wasn't pregnant, I would be cooped up in my room isolating and starving myself. I picked up my phone and started to call Josh. It rung three times before I clicked. I hung up quickly, secretly hoping he didn't see the call and also that he did and calls back. After staring at the Home Screen for five minutes I give up. I throw my phone across the room. I rub my forehead. I lost him. And it was all my fault.
At dinner, Aunt Cheri talks about her lunch today. She tells me she wishes I would just talk to Josh and how miserable he's doing.
"I almost called him today," I say as I'm fixing the table.
"Oh my god really?" Aunt Cheri says as she's serving our plates. I grab mine.
"Yeah," I sigh. I sit down. "I hung up when he didn't answer in three rings."
"Oh honey why didn't you just wait?" She sits next to me.
"Because what would I even say Aunt Cheri?" I sigh. I smack myself on the forehead. "I fucked it up for good and I left him heartbroken how do I fix that ever?!" I feel my eyes getting hot and watery. "Besides this is for him. So he goes off to Arizona and lives his life without me."
"But he doesn't want that!" She exclaims. "He wants you and to be a step dad. Honey it's not broken, and even if it seems like that just know it's only cracked and you can always fix a crack!" She starts eating.
"But how?" I ask genuinely wanting to know how to fix anything with Josh.
"You suck up your pride and apologize then you suck him up." She lets out a small chuckle.
"It's a good thing you're gay," I tease her talking a bite into my pasta. She smacks me lightly on my right shoulder.