JOSH
I had officially snapped. I just kept replaying the whole conversation with Alice and Ariel the whole drive home.
"Sounds like you're still in love with Ariel and it's an unfortunate situation. I'm sorry." Alice says
"Don't be it's not your fault. I just wish it was different." I let out a deep sigh. "God you don't know how much I miss her and love her. I feel scummy too for leaving Celeste alone that night. Heartbreak and guilt mixed in one will lead to my suicide."
"Don't say that!" Alice snapped. "I know exactly what that's like… you are a strong person," she paused. "If anyone can drag himself up while his legs are broken, it's you! You're an amazing guy Josh and anyone would be lucky to have you."
"You should tell Ariel to still love me." A fake laugh falls from my lips and Alice awkwardly laughed.
"She still does clearly." Alice sounded hurt. "And so do I." She blurted.
"Alice, I…" I began to say.
"I know. You're sorry that you don't love me," she sighs. "But maybe one day you can. I mean we're going to have a child together. If Ariel is done with you, then there's no point in sticking around for her."
"She's not done with me though," I snapped. "I can tell she still cares. I just can't tell if she misses me at all."
"Well then there's your answer." She sighs. "We need to talk about custody then if we don't end up together. I'm telling you now I call dibs on Christmas." She laughs.
"Can we wait to see the test before we make any decisions?" I asked. It was awkward.
"Of course. No rush. If it's yours, will you be there?" She gives me a look. I grab her hands with mine.
"Obviously!" I tried to sound excited. "How far along are you?"
"Almost seven months." She said. "Would you like to know the sex?"
"No gender reveal party?" I asked
"No friends to attend said party," she laughs awkwardly. "Is that a no?"
"What about a baby shower?" I tried again.
"Hardly any family would be there. Just my step mom and dad. Maybe a couple cousins and aunts. My sister wouldn't care. It's just not worth it. Step mommy dearest is spoiling the fuck out of me though." We shared a laugh. "I actually kind of like her now. She's really excited about the baby, she says it's changing me in a good way too."
"Well fuck. I guess you could just tell me now but I would've liked a gender reveal at least. I would add like double the people. It would be small." Another shared laugh exchanged.
"I'm sorry Joshykins. You'll be delighted though," she giggled. "We've been blessed with a baby boy. He's going to be big I bet too. I gained a lot of weight and I hardly have increased my appetite."
"You are eating, right?" I asked, concerned. She used to have an eating disorder back when we first met. She would starve herself because her body image made her believe she was too big. She was always really thin though, I blamed her popularity and the girls she hung around with.
"Yes I am, chill." She said.
"Can I come back yet? I'm bored." Ariel shouted from a distance.
"Yes come back!" Alice shouted back.
She walks towards us and her eyes immediately goes to our hands. She looked over at Alice and noticed she took her seat. I quickly released once I notice and try to slyly sit back. I even scooted away from her a little like I didn't notice.
"Am I interrupting anything?" She asked.
"No we're done here." Alice says and she stands up. "In fact, Im gonna go. Hopefully you can text me." She grabs Ariels hands with her own. "I'm due March 17th, hopefully you'll both come to my doctors visit."
"When?" I asked
"Next Monday." Alice said. "I'll text you before then."
"Yeah please let me know if anything ever happens. Don't be scared to call me." I said to her.
"Okay." She says and before she leaves she gives Ariel a hug and then me. Ariel walked her out.
"Bye Alice. Enjoy your day." She said as Alice walked away.
"Byeeeee!" She shouted as she unlocked her car.
Ariel closed the door once she starts backing out. She turned her attention back to me.
"Excited?" She asked
"More like anxious, scared a little to be honest." I said. I stood up. My mind began to race. All these unanswered questions began popping up.
Like what would I do about school? Am I really going to turn down a full ride to be with Alice? Alice is fucking crazy. I could never be with her again. She wanted me when I didn't want her and when the roles flipped she had no problem pretending I never existed. She blew me off for a scumbag and this shit was priceless. I wanted to laugh and then put a hole through a dry wall. She would literally suck me dry if anything and everything. I bet her dad would be heavily involved financially as well. I was ready to give up my entire life for Ariel and her unborn kid. One who isn't even mine. So why didn't I want to raise one that was?
"You're going to be the worlds greatest dad. You have nothing to be scared of." Ariel said. She tried to reach for my hands but i pulled away. "What's wrong?" Her worries expression stated me down.
"You're not scared of being like your mom?" I blurted out.
"Is that what you're so scared of?" She asked me instead. "Being like you dad? Because if so you're such a good guy. I don't know why you'd ever think that."
"Because," I finally snapped. "I always told myself I would be in a solid situation first!" I plopped down on the couch, hands folded in front of me. "I want a kid. Just not with her."
"Why?" She asked me looking confused.
"CAUSE I WANTED HER!" I shouted. "I wanted her after her wanting me so long and she just shat on it." My tone goes back to normal for a second as I tried to calm myself. "Maybe I did and should've ended things when she practically refused to be your friend." I laughed. I'll never forget how Ariel pushed me away because of Alice. "The only other guy that I know would've hit that was your boy toy. Funny how he got up in you and I never could." I scoffed. I started thinking about Ariel and our relationship. How dare she tell me she loved me but leave me just as quickly?
"Josh!" She snapped. "How dare you?!"
"What do you mean how dare I?" I knew I was pissed when I started to gesticulate. "How dare you?! You loved him so much you couldn't let go all that time! Did you forget that I was literally wiping your tears? Holding you close while I was in love with you? How dare you try to forget me when I would've given up everything for you? For a child that isn't even mine." I shouted and stood up fast as fuck. I almost got light headed but I was so heated.
"What the actual fuck Josh! I never asked you to give up anything. In fact, I encouraged you to leave! I pushed you away so you could! Don't you realize how much I fucking love you? I miss you every single fucking day!" Ariel started crying, "You don't get to say any of this to me. How dare you stick your raw fucking meat inside her?!! You knew how much of a bitch she was when Anne died and you still stuck it out with her." She clapped her hands on 'you still stuck it out with her' in-sync with syllables. "You're so unbelievable it's insane. I wanted so badly to tell Alice to go fuck herself cause she was all over you. It killed me to watch that. But you didn't see that."
"Ariel I…" I began to say. I realized I've said things that have gone too far and I wanted for a moment to stop and apologize. But that's all I've ever done. I've always let Ariel get away with everything. Because I was blinded by love.
"You what? Had no idea?" She interrupted me. "Just go home. Run off to your psychopath of a mom. Let her know how much you despise me. I'm sure she'd love another reason to hit me." Ariel walked towards the door and opened it wide. Hand still on the knob. "Go."
"You really want to end this right here right now? Just like that?" I almost wanted to laugh. This was unreal.
"Yup." She said. "You made your bed. I hope Alice makes nice company." Wow was she funny.
I was in such shock that I laughed and scoffed in her face and said something awful without thinking of it.
"She sure does," I bolted and said it while looking into her eyes and walking out of the house.
It was just a fat mess. One I didn't want to clean up. I was so tired of being everyone's goddamn doormat. I pulled over to the side of the road. Nothing but leafless trees and snow in sight.
"FUCK!!!" I scream into the wind. I made a mistake and kicked the shit out of my rim. It hurt my toes way more than it would've ever hurt the tire.
I got so burnt that I punched my truck without thinking and left a small dent on the side of the truck bed.
I immediately freaked out and try to push it out but instead make it worst.
"Fuck me right in the ass too why don't cha'?!!" I yell into the air again. Hopefully God or whatever was controlling this shit show heard me.
"What else could you possibly due to me?" I say and let out a sigh as I fall on to the floor. My back slides down the truck and my ass hits some snow. I take off my beanie. I genuinely don't know what to do.
I was worried about the wrong things when I should've been worried about my future kid. I was worrying about Ariel and what she was doing right now. Did our friendship slash relationship really end like that? Was it really over? Did she hate me forever now?
I couldn't take not knowing. I picked up my phone and dialed her number. Straight to voicemail.
'Well then there's your answer," in Alice's voice replays.
Loud and clear.
I drove back home to find Aunt Cheri and my mom making out on the couch as I walked in. Shit was nasty.
They both stood up fast like they weren't about to have sex where we all sit.
"Just promise you'll stay the fuck out of my room." I say sternly.
"Watch your tone." Mom snaps.
"Button your blouse," I say walking towards the kitchen. She follows.
"Young man what is with you?" She says.
I start opening up the liquor cabinet. Mom walks up behind me and slams it shut.
"What the fuck mom?" I say to her.
"You're not 21 sir." Stern tone. I've made her mad.
"I like how you're whoring on the couch and slapping pregnant bitches but have the audacity to try and judge me!" I push her by her left shoulder and she takes a step back. I open the cabinet and grab a bottle of whiskey. Cheri comes booting in.
"The hell is going on in here?" She rushed to shield my mom.
"Oh relax!" I tell her and try to walk away but she grabs me by my left arm.
"I am not done with you!" Mom says.
"Well I'm done with you!" I say and yank my arm back. I rush up to my room and lock the door. She followed me but I was quick enough to slam the door in her face.
"Open this door immediately!" She says banging on the door.
"Josh what the fuck is going on!" Cheri says.
"So help me god," mom says banging with rhythm, "if you don't open this damn door."
I'm too busy downing down what I can from the nasty bottle to respond. When I finally take a break I yell at them to "fuck off whores!" Then my mom immediately kicked the door open.
"You psycho bitch!" I tell her as the door crashed in front of me.
"I put you in this world, I'll easily take you out of it boy." She says and she yanks the bottle out my hand.
"Josh what happened?" Cheri asked.
"I fucked up," I fake smile at both of them. "Mom you didn't want Ariel to ruin my life but Alice might be pregnant with my kid…"
"Well well look who the true whore is…" she says as she crosses her arms and gives me the familiar look of disappointment. Another boring life lecture coming soon..