Prologue

My life is like a rosary is full of mystery.My life is like a broken glass that you can't fixed as same as before.My life is a mess.My life is hard...

Growing up with a name of girl even though I'm a boy.Growing up without knowing what is a life is.Growing up without knowing how cruel is the world.Growing up without overcome pain and suffering.Growing up without knowing how life is despair.Growing up without knowing about how people turn into monsters.Growing up without feeling pain and suffering even sickness.Growing up without knowing how life is hard.That's how I grow without knowing so many things.

Growing up knowing only happiness.Growing up knowing love is the best.Growing up knowing kindest is the best thing to do.Growing up knowing what I can do.Growing up knowing that I'm special.That's how my parents said to me when I was innocent and don't feel any pain,despair even suffering.

But...my world turn upside down.

I feels so pain.I even hurt myself.I hate myself.I want to take my own life with my own hands.I feel despair because of someone who make me feel so special.I feel suffering because of him.I feel hurt...the one I didn't know.

My world and my family word turn upside down without noticing it.We can eat food three times a day but not like as before that we have so many foods even money.My parents friends become monsters and pretend that they don't know us.Making me disgust about how world works.

Money can control everything even a innocent person.Money can buy anything but not dignity even love.People you know may become a monsters because of money.They can denied you,disgust you,hurt you,make you suffer until you die.That's how money works because of money.

My eyes became cold as a snow.My skin became white as a snow.My lips became red as a blood.My sight became dark like a world without light.My mindset became matured.

Watching how snow fall in the sky in the balcony even though it was a winter season.Watching how children play in the snow as I always do when I'm still innocent.Watching how the sky become darker and darker.

Feeling the air of the winter season in my skin.Touching the snow with my pale hands.Watching how the snow fall in my palms.Hearing how my family pretending that they happy.Tasting the pain and despair while watching the winter season.

Waking up feeling the weight in my eyes.Waking up without seeing anyone.Waking up without taking breakfast.Waking up without standing to my bed.Waking up feeling so cold.Waking up feeling hurt.Waking up feel despair.Waking up feel suffering.That's how I wake up everyday in winter season.

I need to drink the freaking medicines because of my anxiety and depression that was not really true.The Doctor said that it can lead to suicide and my parents believe about it.

When they gone,I always throw those medicines.But,they still buying  it even though I don't need it.They only wasting money because of Doctor's white lies to them.

I feel pain when my mind reminding something happy memories in my past.Something that I don't want to remember.

How come we end up like this?How come?How come you denied me?How come you hurt me not physically but emotionally and mentally?How come you leave me even you said to that you love me?How come you kiss even though you don't want it?How come you said that you're willing to scream that you love me throughout the whole world?How come you said you want us together?How come you always feel me that I'm so special beside you?

My greatest fear is being denied by someone I love.Being denied saying that they know.Being judge without knowing my point of view.Being judge because they believe in gossip.Being alone and lonely because of not hearing my side.

They don't want to let me speak...defend my self.They hurt me physically,mentally and emotionally because of him.The person that I trust more than my life.The person who betrayed me.The person who denied me.The person who let me feel pain,despair and suffering.The person who leave me without saying and explaining to the things that happen between us.

How come he do that to me?How come he can lie so straight?How come he can hide his true feelings?How come he can do the glimpse of happiness in his eyes when I'm with him?How can he do that such a thing?

"Don't you understand,Haru?!That I don't love you even from the start.Those romance stunts is just a...past time to me.You're just a past time to me,Haru.Nothing more,nothing less."

I feel numb when I remember those words came out to his mouth.I can't take it.I can feel that my emotions will explode.

I don't want to remember her.I don't want to remember my best friend who betrayed me because of him.Who betrayed me not knowing what will happen to us.Not knowing that she will hurt me.Not knowing that she will betrayed.She only thinks about her happiness and ambition even her dreams.

She's the cause of my pain and suffering.I'm on thr verge that I want to take my life with my own hands because of them.Because of the pain that I can't bear it while hiding.

I can say that it's been 1 year when these things happen to my life.Accusation and judgement happen to me that time.They accuse me that I'm the one who behind of the incident that I don't know.

The only I know...my dream become shattered.

My dream...become shattered because of them.Because of the wrong accusation to me.Because of loving someone I thought that he will love me the way I love him.Loving him is full of stupidity.Loving him is full of sarcastic.Loving him is full of lies.Loving him is full of pain.Loving him is full of despair.Loving him is full of suffering.

How come my dream is need to be shattered?How come my family wealth needs to disappear?How come my happiness needs to became a sadness?How come my innocent turns into despair?How come my happy living turns into suffering?How come people hurt the people who trust them?How come people hurt the people who love them more than they life?

I open the sliding door in my balcony and I sit on the wooden chair where I always sit.Wearing a pair pajama,a white hoodie jacket and a long brown thick coat.

Winter season...is my favorite season.It hurts me a lot and make me remember everything that happen in the winter season.Make me taste  the pain.Make me become a cold person.Making my mind become matured more.

I wondering will the sun will come out in this winter season.Will the light that guide me in the past will guide me again?Will the pain I'm feeling will take away?Will my despair and suffering will disappear?Will my life become happy as same as before?Will my heart will become soft as same as before?

I wonder...

I saw my Hahaoya with Otousan and Oneechan.Maybe they will go to the market and  buy some foods for us.Hahaoya has a genuine smile in her lips and it's written to her face make me cry.Make me remember my old self.Make me...remember them.

The happy,innocent and kind Haruka like my Hahaoya.Will ever comeback?Will I turn into my past self?Will I can find my own light who will guide me?Will I able to move on with my past?Will I able to smile genuine?Will I able to be happy again?Will I able to love someone again?Will I able to have some friends again?

It's cold and snowing.The children are playing with the snow.The people were preparing for the Christmas.The people are buying gifts for their love ones.The people were happy because Christmas will begin in few days.

Watching the snow falling in the sky.Waiting for the sun to come out.Waiting for the cherry blossom to bloom again.Waiting the class will start again.Waiting the sight of sun.Waiting for new school year.Waiting for another journey.Waiting for something happen.Waiting for someone who can be my light.Waiting for...spring.

"An unexpected sight to him.An unexpected scenario.It become spring after winter.It become."