I already had my boards going on. I was never the ideal student who always gets more than 90% marks in all her exams. Even 70% was enough for me. But after 10th when I was made to go for medical, I got used to less than 50%. I was never the competitive exam girl! I was studying in an institute in Chandigarh, for my whole 11th and 12th. Actually, I was taking coaching for the NEET exam which I had to compulsorily crack because my life had nothing beyond being a doctor! And the monthly tests in the coaching which were all the type of an actual NEET paper, made me drop my self confidence to zero. I had the least hope left in myself to even do something in my life. I was just going where the life took me. The only thing which kept me going were my fake scenarios and the fictional character who would imaginarily whisper in my ear that its all okay whenever I used to cry.
"Its alright little one. I will always be standing beside you whenever you get weak!"
Loving a fictional character at least gave me hope when I had lost all of it. Sometimes I used to think that I have some mental disorder that I never cared about people in real life and always was considered about people in my head. Because deep down, even I knew that there is no such real people and someday am gonna be real broke due to my attachments.
When covid first entered India, I still had my board exams going on. I was preparing for the biology exam when it all got locked down and there was nowhere left to go. And that was the time when my brain started getting messed up. I was anyways under lockdown devoid of the fact that there was covid because it was 'the crucial time of my life'. All the exams and shit! But at least I could go out and eat hot steamed momos which kept my mind alive! But after covid, I didn't even have access to normal chips!
My dreams kept me alive! I have the most vivid dreams of all! The dreams does not mean anything but still they were my only entertainment source because my phone using hours were restricted to just some hours!
I had real problems in studying because physics was way over my head. And the most horrifying situation was that my boards were postponed and I didn't know if I should study for my boards or prepare for the mock tests! I was not sure about my boards! The exams I gave were horrible! I lost all the confidence in myself. But English kept me alive! My English exam was the best of all! Even in class 11th when I bought my English textbook a month before the exam, I still got 92/100. The score was above 90 at least! I didn't study English the whole year because I was busy with physics, chemistry and biology in Chandigarh! Even 12th was the same! Be busy with PCB for the whole year and don't think of anything else at least for some thousand years!
So I stared going to my aunt's house to study! There I had my brother who was the science topper of his time and my sister who was almost the same age as me. I got a little emotional support from real people at least. Even my sister was into medical but she was one year behind me so she was to give her NEET exam in 2021. I used to tell her everything! From the boys on my social media to the insecurities that were buried deep inside of me! She was my best buddy at that time! I still feel the same attachment towards her.
There I used to get a suitable study environment and a lot of help from my brother in chemistry and physics. I never felt biology too tough for myself!
I still cant forget a dream I got when I was so exhausted from studying and I fell asleep as soon as I lay down at 3 am. Most of my days were like that! But the dream I got was horrible!
I was with my friends! The people I was friends with in Chandigarh! We were 7 people altogether! It was looking like a disaster struck in that area and we were just walking to get another shelter from the rain. We were climbing a hill! I don't know why was I even able to feel that rain! I felt all soaked in the water! The mud under my bare feet was pinching my skin like a thousand needles. Why was I even barefoot at that time? I had a duffel bag hung across my shoulder to the waist for no reason! I felt quenched with thirst so I held a tree and sat down there. It was weird right? It was raining so heavily and I was thirsty! Rest all of the people went ahead of me and I sat there even when I really needed to catch up with them!
They all went far away. They were soon looking back at me with pity and they had a look of guilt in their faces as if I were lying there dead. As if they were all leaving me behind because I was dead, because I knew my friends will never abandon me in the middle of the forest, under a tree with heavy rain pouring on all over us. And soon they were out of my sight. And I was just looking at bare gray tress which covered the area till as far I could see! And in a matter of seconds everything started blurring away! I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt lifted by someone who was taking me with him. I felt the warmth of his chest as I lay by his shoulder! Just some blurry visions were left in front of my eyes. I felt someone caressing my head as I was asleep! I woke up and blinked my eyes twice or thrice and I saw that I was in a cave and outside was snowing like the heavens had opened their gates to punish the humans! I felt warm. Kapura was holding me inside of his feathers. He kept me so warm that I really never wanted to get up from his warmth! I wanted to stay in there forever! I knew that I smiled at that! Then I heard him saying something!
"You don't deserve being treated like that! You don't have to face all those cruel humans. Just stay in my arms forever."
Of course Kapura, even I wanted the same thing. To stay in the warmth of you forever!
And then I woke up from my sleep because someone had pulled the curtains of my room wide open and the sun was shining directly into my face! Why did I always have to wake up when Kapura was looking after me. I hated that part of my life! The most!