After having to talk to him about the life which I am living, it really felt good. I was up in the morning at 4:30 and I was thinking about how he phrased it. That its not always about us. That its sometimes about the people around us even its to satisfy their ego! I was an overthinker from the day I was born. I didn't want to overthink this time and that too in a negative way!
So I thought. Maybe I would do it. Not for myself but just to make my parents and grandparents happy! And also to make my aunt happy, to whom I used to go everyday and study! Because even if I wasn't able to be happy while I am seeing patients and I would be complaining everyday and I would be frustrated about my life; in the end I would have the fiction around me to make me happy. Whatever I will be then will be due to me and not anyone else!
And then things started going upside! I really did study more than usual that day. And on the next test I really got 420 marks out of 720! That was a lot for someone like me because I just needed to improve myself and didn't want to get into Delhi AIIMS!
I told everything to Abhimanyu that evening and he was so happy for me.
"Am glad that you figured out life somehow!"
And for the first time in my life I was actually satisfied with whatever I had. I just had to live the moment and let everything else go to hell.
Then I had really thought that this guy maybe the one who can actually handle me. I thought that maybe I was not too broken to be repaired and I actually found the person who I wanted to heal together with.
And then disaster struck upon us! I was talked into giving my phone away for a month till my exam is not over. I myself thought that it would be a better idea because I knew even if I out all my efforts in, I wouldn't be able to face a competition that hard. I just had to let my parents know that! I wasn't eligible to be a doctor!
So I really did think that if I lock up the phone and concentrate totally on studies then my parents wont have a chance to say that I didn't give my 100%. And I knew that Abhimanyu would understand about the scene and let me go and just for a month.
I studied the whole month. I didn't ghost Abhimanyu! I told him that I would be gone away till my exam is not over and there cant be any else way to prove myself!
I couldn't even go out in the lockdown in august. It was all so depressing. For a moth, the whole day I did the work which I hated the most. I didn't even like working for it! My mental health went to zero. I wasn't even showing any expressions of joy or fear or excitement for anything! It just felt like my insides died.
And finally that day did come! 13th of September, 2020! The worst day of my life! I seriously didn't like it at all. That morning, the first thought in my mind was, ' why are you even doing it? Those people don't even care about how you feel!'
Those things were true actually! All my life I had spent worrying and working for the things they liked the most! All my life I wanted to be capable enough to make them proud! So that despite of all the difficulties they had faced in their life, the worry would go away just because I always wanted to be present for them. And they didn't even seem to care what I wanted deep down! They didn't even seem to care to know what I liked to eat for breakfast! I felt so underappreciated for everything that I did. My innerself told me that you really don't deserve this! First of, they forget how to raise you up and now they are just using you to satisfy their ego! I literally wanted to run away while I was getting ready to go for the exam! I knew I didn't deserve to live like that!
But I got ready and let go of all my thoughts while my father drove me to the exam centre! I emptied my head and entered the examination hall. I sat there and wore my gloves. I had to wear surgical gloves for the exam and they gave us separate surgical masks. It was so hard to mark the OMR in that masked state. I wasn't even able to hold my pen properly with those gloves. And breathing was at its worst state! My nose always had a problem with my airways!
I didn't know even a single kid there! All the strange faces! I have studied in Chandigarh hostel and have lived among Punjabis for so long that being among kids from jammu felt strange! There was no familiarity at all.
And then they distributed the OMR and the question paper. I gave that exam with my full potential and thought about nothing during the whole exam. I myself didn't know why I was doing that with so much seriousness; that was not even the thing I wanted for myself!
And then 3 hours got over. They made us leave the exam hall one by one to confirm social distancing! This covid thing was really depressing because I didn't even get to talk to any student after the exam. I was all weird because we medical students always have the habit to discuss the exam after it was over.
I got out of the centre and found my father! I sat in the car and threw my mask and gloves away! I really wanted to eat some kfc but I don't know why I was not able to say anything to my father. He asked me a several times that if I wanted to eat something and everytime I said no! it always felt like that I shouldn't disturb him even if it was due to food! It always felt like that I owe him everything even if I was just a puppet he was handling! He was so controlling! He always have been!
We didn't go straight to my house. Instead we headed to my cousin's house with whom I used to study! And I don't know why my father got so caring! He knew I wouldn't want to go to that toxic house after I had ruined my life for nothing! How did he even know that talking to my mother would just make me more depressed than I ever was. Maybe he had been at the same place as I am. That after doing something large in your life, you don't want to see toxic people because they start filling you with negative thoughts! My father seemed to be so caring then. And then something inside me said that you should not let his efforts of making you a doctor go useless. If he's understanding you so much then you too should understand why he would want you to be a doctor so bad! I didn't get why he wanted me to be a doctor so bad still. Even after an year of trying to understand everything but still I wanted to do something for him.
When we reached there, I got my phone back. I didn't open it yet because I wanted to eat the food which my aunt put for me! I was so hungry and I badly wanted to eat that food before I did anything. They were just simple daal chawal but they tasted so much better than the food I had even eaten in my life! Even better than the food my mother used to cook me and even better than the kfc chicken!
I don't still know! Maybe the food was tasty because I just had given the life threatening exam or my aunt had put so much love in it! Maybe both! But I have never eaten that food in my life!
I stayed there for the night!
I opened my phone and texted Abhimanyu! He knew that day was my exam and that day I would get my phone back! I didn't have any text from him when I opened my phone and that did make me a little sad but I knew he would be busy somewhere!
I texted him!
"Oyiiiiii! I got done with the exam and I really don't expect my marks to come above 400!"
And I really didn't expect my marks to be more than 400! The paper wasn't that good!
We watched a movie at night! Me, my brother, my sister! We three opened Netflix and decided to watch india's history! It was some movie which told the story about some king being killed by the afganistani's. I didn't at all feel anything special about the movie! But the part where I cried was the part where the king's wife goes into trauma due to the king's death! How could she love him so much that she didn't think about the people who were around her! Love is blind after all!
That movie made me cry! But what made me sad that day was that Abhimanyu didn't reply to my texts even after seeing them. And he was putting instagram stories with his friends. They were all drinking and dancing! I probably figured out why he wasn't replying. Mostly I did! But I wanted to talk to him about what thoughts I had that morning.
I went to sleep after watching the movie.
Even the next whole day he kept ignoring my texts! Not a single reply! Not even informing me about where he was! Was he about to ghost me?
I went home, packed all my books, took out all my novels and my handwritten novels. The whole day of mine went in setting my room. At least I was not studying for the day for the first time in four years. So I was happy. I started to read a book. It was nice and good. But I was still worried about Abhimanyu. His insta stories were filled with alcohol and travels!
And then at night at 1 am, I finally get a text from him.
"I want to break up now. I am done with all the relationship shit and I don't wanna be a part of a relationship anymore. Hope you understand.