I yawned loudly as I looked at the book in my hands in the hope that I would remember something of what I was reading even if sleepiness clouded it. The cool morning air was slowly helping me to wake up and I would often look up to make sure I didn't bump into someone the moment I couldn't see in front of me. I knew it wasn't the wisest choice to stay up late watching shows or reading books, but I enjoyed doing it too much to stop. Even though many times I didn't even read the next day's classes and had extra free time,I always felt like there weren't enough hours in the day and it would be a waste of time if I spent them sleeping. The result was what it is today. Feeling heavy in the morning and having half closed eyes throughout the day. I really couldn't remember the last time my eyes were wide open and rested.
My ears caught a sound a few feet ahead but instead of looking up and making my interest and curiosity obvious,I focused my hearing on that spot and tried to figure out what it was I was hearing. My senses were quite heightened probably because I hardly ever spoke and relied on them to be invisible. It wasn't that I didn't like hanging out with other people my age but I needed them to take the first steps to do so and it seemed no one was willing yet; maybe they never were.I found it odd that those who actually made an effort with me in high school seemed strange.
I could pick out the sounds and understand that cacophonous melody that made me man up as if it was always meant for me. They say that laughter is the song of the soul but I guess those who believe such things have never heard the laughter of the kids at school that gets louder and louder and haunts you.Before you can avoid it, you are in the center of a human circle and all you hear is that sound.If this is the song of their souls,I didn't want to see what they were hiding inside.
I barely lifted my eyes and tried to spot the poor student through the curtain of my black hair and for some reason I couldn't interpret,I felt something like anger. In the center of that circle were Nen and Fujita. The former was staring so intently at the floor that he seemed to be begging for it to open so he could hide inside while the latter seemed ready to attack all of them and hit them one by one until they stopped making that mocking sound.
I know it will sound strange to hear it from me but I wanted to run there too; I actually managed to make myself,at the last minute, stop my legs that were already bent to give me a boost and get there. I had to find a way to contain my enthusiasm because that could complicate things in the future. I didn't think that filling my empty life with other people's was a bad thing nor did I mind telling my parents that they were my friends but if I started to think so much about it too,I might have done something impulsive. I shouldn't have reacted as if we were actually friends. I was going to be a bystander and not get involved.
As soon as I referred to my role as a spectator,I seemed to see a figure moving through the crowd of children who continued to walk around the two punished students.She looked like a simple student who was also part of the mockery but seemed to notice something and was forced to move away before she was noticed.
Maybe this was all my imagination and I was overanalyzing some things but I had learned to notice the details and it wouldn't have hurt me to just sit and think about that mysterious behavior. So I thought I would play a game of some sort and after I got closer to the crowd a little more so I could see the faces more clearly,I started to guess which one of them she might have been afraid of. I used to generally make up stories in my head about these kinds of things and make up theories but I choked on the air I was breathing at that moment when I not only spotted Kaoru but for a few split seconds he seemed to notice me.
I broke out in a cold sweat just at the thought that he might have noticed me yesterday and spread the word at school that I was sitting there eavesdropping on them but eventually he seemed to focus his attention somewhere else further away from me as if he hadn't even paid attention to me; his serious expression automatically lightened once he put on his wide gleaming smile and walked between the kids saying something to the other two. He didn't seem to be defending them exactly.Actually, he must have made it worse because he mentioned something about the club as I understood it, but that gave them an excuse to get out of there.Once they followed him, the crowd almost automatically dispersed to find something else to pass the time.
I continued on my way inside having now forgotten the few phrases that were scattered in my mind. If I hadn't felt the weight of the book growing in my hand and pushing it down,I wouldn't have even remembered that I was holding it. I carefully placed it into the bag and the bell ringing was like erasing all the previous events from my mind since I had to get to class quickly.It wasn't that I didn't want to be late but this particular professor punished you by making you answer questions if you came in after him and I definitely wanted to avoid public ridicule. I'd rather not be the new object of the kids' ridicule.
But it turns out that I still wouldn't have been spared the class participation. The professor began questioning the people in the row of desks I was sitting in one by one. There was never a time when I felt luckier not to be first. I heard which part of the lesson he was asking the others about and given the type of questions and the maneuvering back and forth across the pages,I was able to predict roughly which part would be assigned to me. I had marked one point there as the most important and I was sure that he would choose to ask that one to see if I had paid attention in the previous lesson. It may sound terrible what I managed to do but it was a practiced skill so I looked well read while some of it I had never seen before in my life. Sure, I always dreaded the moment when my luck would run out but today was not that day.
He asked me without any particularly suspicious tone because he thought I was an average student just shy enough to not raise my hand. I tried not to show my satisfaction when I managed to fool them but it wasn't that hard; trying to look like a good student would be the real challenge. Fortunately I had sharp logical thinking and when the question was of a critical nature,I could be a little better than some others. But the teachers used to love the book so deeply that they didn't try to question something that demanded thinking and only followed what it said to the letter as if there was no room for doubt anywhere.
I answered as closely as I remembered while I made up the rest in my own words.It wasn't perfect and I certainly had altered some facts and figures but he nodded and moved on to the following. If you showed even a little effort to respond,you made them think you were a worthy person and not a lazy person like me. So I had them believing I was trying but I was a fool and couldn't figure it out when in fact I was just bored to bother. I didn't feel like I was gaining anything.
I dipped my head in my hands and started to play with a pencil by pushing it with my finger and waiting for it to roll back towards me.It was a pretty risky move because I was starting to get drowsy from before and if I closed my eyes for a few seconds longer than normal,they might not open again. The open window made things worse because the gentle breeze was caressing my hair so sweetly that I was about to let go into the dream world when a piece of paper hit me in the back of the head with force.
I hadn't felt any particular pain but I was certainly startled enough to have my eyes open wide and my head jerked forward. I rubbed that spot and lifted my upper body saying goodbye to the sweet sleep once and for all.I was able to locate the crumpled piece of paper that looked like something like a ball if you had enough imagination but I couldn't tell if someone was trying to get my attention or just laugh at my expense since I couldn't locate whoever had done it. I tried to check all the faces without looking at the eyes lest they happen to meet mine but either because I did it in a hurry so the professor wouldn't see me or because the person had managed to hide their identity well,I couldn't find anyone who looked like they were involved in this.
I turned back around in front of me and concentrated on the blackboard with a confused expression on my face,with the paper in one hand and rubbing the spot that hurt a little with the other.I fumbled with the paper but it was a blank piece of the book so at least I knew it wasn't a note of some sort.
At lunch break , I tried to stop myself from looking for the trio that had caught my attention or even any of them alone because I was afraid they would figure me out if they kept seeing me in places close to where they were. But when my eyes spotted Kaoru,I couldn't help but want to be his shadow. Maybe that would give me the opportunity I wanted to prove that he was two-faced. If I caught him alone without people around he would surely show his true character and not keep wearing that expression as if he didn't even know what negative emotions meant.
I always had my obento on in case I needed to pretend to eat while walking because I didn't have company to sit in some confined spot but the truth was I didn't pay the slightest bit of attention to. I don't know why I felt so strongly that I would be vindicated as a human being if I showed his earthy side but I wanted to do it so badly that I forgot about my hunger. Such times prove that hunger is a creation of the brain to a large extent if it is silenced when the brain is busy. So I followed him without caring about my lunch.
First I saw him heading for the teachers' office. My stomach clenched with anticipation and excitement at the thought that he might have caused trouble at school but it wasn't long before I was disappointed when I saw him walking out with his corrected class notebooks. I gasped but didn't let it get me disappointed.I followed him to a point towards his classroom but stopped long before that so he wouldn't notice me.After all,I could wait until he was done since he was going to pass that point again.
When I saw him coming out with bagged dirt I wanted to rub my hands since I had seen many people pull pranks by putting dirt in other people's outdoor shoes but it really pissed me off when he came out into the garden. He took care of the flowers one by one and sweet-talked them probably having read one of those books that say if you talk to the flowers they grow better and faster.
I wanted to start pulling my hair!He did just about every volunteer job you can find and because he didn't have time to eat at the end, he ate an anpan quickly, almost choking himself. I heard the bell ring and saw him walk away and felt defeat hit me mercilessly.When I was sure he couldn't see me,I waved my fist in the air as if promising that I wouldn't give up so easily and would come back better prepared. It didn't occur to me that he was flawed. Nobody's perfect!
I thought I saw him turn back and I was fuming.
I may have expressed my theories about hunger and percentages like a clever person, but now that I felt it had returned with a vengeance I realized that not only was I talking nonsense that might be true to some extent, but I didn't know how I was going to make it through all those hours without eating. I thought about sneaking a few bites but nothing I had was small enough for the teacher not to notice and the worst part was that soon my belly would start to sound like a megaphone in the whole class. My shame was reaching the ceiling just thinking about it.
Just as I was crying with my terrible luck,I thought I saw something moving on the floor and I tried to keep my composure and not jump on the chair. I had a traumatic experience with insects that I would rather not discuss at this time but I let out a relieved breath when I saw that what slid up to my desk was an object. I leaned towards it to investigate and as soon as I realized it was a snack of some sort,I almost started drooling.
I looked around and no one seemed to be looking for it so I picked it up as if it were the most precious treasure.I managed to open it with extreme care without it making a loud sound and only after I tasted it and my brain started functioning properly again,I realized what was happening. Someone had seen that I was hungry and had given it to me...I wasn't sure but it felt like someone in there had their eyes on me all the time like I did with the other three. I turned my eyes to those around me with fear tickling my whole body and only one question running through my mind.
Who?
I tried to distract myself and focus on my own surveillance but I was starting to have some doubts about what I was doing; it was like whispered voices trying to warn me of something but not loud enough for me to hear what it was. I thought that the whole situation had made me paranoid and out of my anxiety I was seeing people like me or worse everywhere but that thought wasn't enough to make me stop. I was too curious to stop as of now.
My afternoon classes were finished and I was free to go into that little room next door from the cheerleading club. I was a little irritated because it seemed I have finished later than the other three and there were probably things I had missed and hadn't had time to see or hear.This became clearer when a fourth and new voice was heard that probably belonged to a girl although it was a little hard to tell through the wall and the wild colouring of it.
"Let's welcome Chiasa to our club!"Kaoru's voice could piss off even a calm person so I could imagine that the already angry girl was boiling; especially that he was calling her by her name while she was a girl.I had thought that he wouldn't apply this silly name calling rule to girls as well but I actually didn't think a girl would ever come to the club either.
The club president's applause sounded in the void because the other two didn't make a sound leaving my imagination to the silent nods they had probably given her. She gave a grunt in response and it reminded me a little of Fujita's reaction yesterday. He of course was like that because he had just come from a fight.To Chiasa it seemed to be her natural one. More and more interesting people were ending up in that dusty and forgotten club.
"Now that we've been introduced,we'll pick up where we left off yesterday. However, Chiasa for you I have a special mission" Kaoru continued and the others although they made complaining noises,obeyed. It was only natural that they couldn't have completed in one day the tasks he had set them with.Nen however was closer to completion as his own task didn't have much left to do so I wanted to see what he would have him do once he finished cleaning.I was more curious about what he would give the girl though.
I don't know if I believe in luck but to avoid being overheard by the others the president moved closer to the wall to talk to her so I had better hearing even if they were whispering.
"Can you go to the music club and ask for our one drum allotted to us?" his voice was polite as usual but I could tell there was something else lurking behind it.What he was sending her to do was not a tragic thing but he was saying it as if he expected her to refuse him.
"Yes "She replied disciplined though her voice was still scratchy and that was enough to spur me enough to decide to follow her.After all, the other three would have done what they did yesterday,I wouldn't have missed anything important but in her case there was something interesting hiding underneath.
I knew where the music club was so I got out and started heading that way before she came out so I could catch up,so she wouldn't know I was following her but also so I wouldn't miss any details.My steps were slow and almost bored so I didn't get too far ahead and I stopped in front of a few clubs next door when she got to the music club.
I waited to hear the door creep open and her go in but it didn't make a sound so I turned back discreetly and caught her shaking outside the door with a paper in her hand.My eyes opened wide and I couldn't make out what was going on and was surprised by how fragile she looked now that I could see her as opposed to when I could only hear her voice.
Eventually she grabbed the handle and pulled the door resolutely; the rest happened with surprising speed and I couldn't help but move closer to see what the hell was going on.
"You have the nerve to come in here!"
"Weren't you expelled?!"
"You came to cause trouble again?!"
She was trying to speak but her voice came out almost soundless and she was interrupted so her words were lost amongst their angry voices. Maybe the music club members were right at that moment because I really didn't know what she had done to them but my heart couldn't help but ache at the sight. They were pushing and shouting at her.She sat there and endured as if she thought she deserved it and when they were finally fed up with their outburst,she handed them that paper. It was probably written by Kaoru asking for permission to take the one drum he had sent her to pick up.
I was scared when I saw them smiling wickedly and I certainly wasn't expecting what followed.They took a broken drum and put it on her like hat.
"Your drum is your due "Said the girl who was probably the president of the club and Chiasa accepted it by putting her tail between her legs and chanting a deadpan thank you.
My emotions had caused a whirlwind inside me and my chest was heaving like crazy from trying to squeeze them in there and not let them out.After a while though I started to calm down because I could hear the conversation the members had opened up between them.
"Do you think I was too mean?Until a moment ago she was a member of the club as well"The president now looked much more composed as if she didn't even want to do what she did before.People are multidimensional creatures and if you try to understand their thoughts or behaviors you find yourself with many different tangles in your hands that get even more complicated as you try to solve them.
"She had to learn her lesson though; don't forget what she's been doing all this time." That voice gave me a strange feeling like I knew her from somewhere but no matter how hard my mind tried I couldn't remember and eventually the feeling left me as if it was telling me that I had messed something up and misunderstood.
"Yes!He was yelling at us and taking it out on us!" The other members began to join in the game.
"And the drum you gave her is actually hers since she broke it today!"
Now a lot of things were starting to make sense and for some reason I got a sort of laugh that became nervous as I walked away from it. I may have looked like I was losing my mind in someone else's eyes but I couldn't react any differently when the seemingly happiest club was filled with rioters and taking the form of group therapy.It all seemed so cool to me but my laughter was cut off when I thought about what their president was making them do.I don't know what he was really about but he certainly wasn't carefree. He may have seemed tough but from day one he made each of them face their demons and why they had been there. I couldn't deny that his mind seemed to be spinning at a strange and fast pace that was quite impressive and I wanted to see what else he would put in his mind.
To everyone else what they were doing seemed like just everyday things that might have been boring; but to me it was different and there was no way I was going to stop after that realization.