She was my worst nightmare and I'll die just to fucking get out. She made me feel like shit and worthless and I'm sure our seven year old children felt the same way. She just dumped us like a hot potato and I seriously hate myself for being so vulnerable with her. My kids only know few of the details but I told them the truth. The real truth. So Sasha can never use them against me. They understood why I did it too so I never had to worry about them getting the wrong idea.
I thought about seven years ago, when I was coaxing Avery to behave and Ashley was wailing on her crib and she wanted me to carry her. And only me. Once we switched the kids we were carrying, Avery sniffled by her touch. She told me I was their favorite.
I know deep in my heart I have always been.
I got out of bed slowly and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast for my kids. They weren't going to school today. We have to go to a very important meeting and I wanted her to see them. To break her heart like she did ours. I knew she was a cheating time bomb but I still wanted her.
Weirdly, I still want her now.
"Smells great, Mom. You know, adding a banana to mine is great. I will need the antioxidants." I turned around and Avery was standing on the doorway.
He pushed his glasses onto the bridge of his nose and gave me a smirk.
"That's a huge word, Avery. Where do you get these kinds of trivias?" I joked.
"Somewhere called Wikipedia, Mom." He rolled his eyes and tried to get up on the stool of our breakfast counter. Tried. I left my pancake for a while and put him carefully on the stool.
"My little boy, using the word 'antioxidant' but can't even sit on a barstool." I teased.
Ashley entered the room and yawned. I kissed her cheek and started rambling about how the two of them growing up and soon they'll have crushes.
"Mom, your pancake is burning." Ashley warned me while getting on a barstool herself. I placed the slightly burnt pancake on my plate because I know both of them. They hate burnt things.
In a way, Sasha was still with us.
She shared a lot of significant things and mannerisms to her kids. Like Ashley has this grumpiness in the morning and the way she flips her hair when she's mad and how Avery smiles and how he stands like he has everything under control and it'll all be great. I wish it was.
It's the day of the last hearing and it's all about custodial rights. Today, we'll find out if Ashley and Avery will stay with me or if they will be now living in Sasha's new house.
Well technically, it isn't Sasha's. It's more of Sasha's new boyfriend, John's house. I told them the consequences of this hearing and they fear living with John and his Great Danes. One time when they were forced to visit them, Levi tried chewing Ashley's leg to pieces. After that incident, my lawyers never let Ashley or Avery near the dog. The court made them choose between Levi and Lady or the Moore siblings. Of course, being the douchebag he is, John chose the dogs and that broke Sasha so much.
I think she considered being with us again.
But look at where she is now.
"Mom, you know we don't have to go to court, right? We're already sure what the judge'll say." Avery said.
I sighed. "If it's the last time I'll see your Mommy then I wouldn't miss it for the world."
Ashley groaned and shook her head. "Mom, are you that blind? She hates us. The greatest gift God sent us is that she left. She's not worth it."
"Ashley, she raised you. She's just confused."
She just shook her head again and asked for the maple syrup.
Avery kept his head down and he chewed slowly and quietly. They were both depressed when Sasha announced that she was moving in with her new boyfriend, but their outlets were different. Ashley was addicted to eating chocolate and nothing else, when I managed to get something different in her however, it was mostly sweets and chips. Avery had this uncontrollable urge to keep buying useless things and in school, he was constantly drawing, writing and painting.
God, help me.
And besides them, I had my own problems to deal with. I had this thing of zoning out when having a conversation and a problem falling asleep. I even went through three days without a nap.
"Mom, I need maple syrup." Ashley said urgently.
"Oh. Uh...didn't I give it to you already?" I asked, confused.
"You've been standing there for a few minutes now, Mom." Avery supplied.
"S-sorry..." I muttered.
See what I mean? I opened the refrigerator to get milk and the syrup Ashley asked for. I walked to my seat with my plate of pancakes and the items from the fridge. I handed the syrup to Ashley and poured them both glasses of milk. Sitting on one of the barstools, Avery held my hand with his small one.
"We're going to be okay, Mom. We'll beat Sasha and John in this case. No one can break us apart." Avery said.
"Yeah. No one." Ashley agreed, giving us a sympathetic nod.
I smiled. Sasha would be so proud of her kids. They're growing up so fast and there's little I could do to stop them.
When we were finished eating breakfast, I told them to shower and to wear yellow or orange clothes. Avery understood but Ashley didn't. The former ran to the bathroom, leaving us alone.
I knelt in front of her and ran my hand through her soft hair. "You look so much like your Mommy." I whispered. "We'll wear yellow because it means happiness and hope. That's exactly what we're there for right? Being happy with the court's decision and hoping for the best."
She grinned when she heard that, nodded and rushed off to her own room. I went to what used to be mine and Sasha's room and I got mesmerized by so many memories we shared in this room. One important memory was still lodged in my forgetful head.
---
The sunshine was beautiful, not too dim and not too bright. Just enough to illuminate the beautiful blonde lying next to me. Her hair was everywhere in her pillow and she was dressed in an oversized shirt, making her look like a gorgeous mess.
Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at me with her ocean blue eyes. I expected her to stand up and leave but she just stared at me with a small smile blooming on her heart-shaped lips. She brushed a stray strand of hair on my face and caressed my cheek with her soft hand.
"I love you, Shea. I want to spend forever with you and you only. We will have a dozen kids and we'll drink iced tea with them on our porch, watching our beautiful grandchildren run around on the yard. We're the definition of forever, Shea."
---
Yeah, right. We are just another one of the failed Hollywood marriages and we are another proof that there is no such thing as forever.
I walked out of the bathroom fully dressed in a pair of acid washed jeans, a bright yellow top and I wore my cream Vans. I just left my hair in its natural curls and added concealer to my eyebags. I can't let Sasha know that I've been skipping sleep. If she found out, she'll use it to manipulate me.
Once she knows I'm still in love with her, it's over.
She would do anything to make me more miserable.
I grabbed my grey hoodie from the coat rack and drank my remaining coffee in one gulp. Then I called the kids to come out as soon as they were done. Not a minute later, Avery came out of his room with his Simpsons Converse still untied. He was wearing a yellow flannel over a white shirt and dark grey jeans. And his hair was a little messy and his glasses were a little lopsided.
"Ready to go, buster?" I asked as I was grabbing my black leather messenger bag from the counter.
"Wait." He simply said, running off to his room once again.
As soon as he entered his room, Ashley came out from hers, wearing a yellow skirt, white blouse and white Converse. She also had an orange sling bag hanging from her neck.
"You got everything you need?"
She nodded and smiled. "Where's A-"
"Let's go." Avery cut off Ashley.
He topped his outfit with a red fedora and he had a small backpack.
"You look like a loser." Ashley rolled her eyes.
"Says you." Avery retorted with his signature "Sasha and Avery smirk"
"Guys, come on. You're big kids; you aren't supposed to fight about this."
Avery sighed. He led us out the front door and gestured for me to open the Range Rover. I got in, got the kids in and drove out of the fancy, quiet neighborhood.
"I'm bored. Can you please play some music, Mom?" Ashley asked as she faced the window with her chin on her palm.
I sighed, knowing that the songs installed in the family car were our songs. We used to listen all day long and sing with them, not caring if we were off-key.
I pressed the play button on the installed music player and Every Night by Imagine Dragons came out.
I'm the colorless sunrise,
that's never good enough
I'm the wind that's in your hair,
that ruffles you up
If you can find a reason,
you can let me know
I won't blame you,
I'll just turn and go
At this moment, I had a weird feeling about that song. It's like I never really understood it enough up until now. Now I knew what it feels like to be that colorless sunrise, to never be good enough. It bit me. The realization suddenly dawned itself to my head. Maybe I was like the storyteller of the song, looking for an explanation and being contented with just that. Then I'll leave. Like nothing ever happened.
"Hey, isn't that one of your songs with Mo-err...Sasha?" Ashley asked me.
"Don't remind her, Ash. It's making her uncomfortable." Avery whispered to his sister. "You can turn it off if you want to, Mom."
"Thanks. But let's just leave it on." I smiled.
They exchanged shocked glances and I shook my head at their worry for me. Another thing they got from their Mommy. Constantly worrying about things they weren't supposed to be in on.
We arrived on the Los Angeles Court House and was greeted by a bunch of paps. I told them to wear their sunnies so they wouldn't attract much attention before stepping out of the car and ushering them in the crowd of unwanted stalkers. A lot of people shoved their mics in front of our faces but everything was okay when we got inside. We went over the front desk and told the woman our names and our case. We took our sunnies off and Avery replaced his with his graded glasses. The woman typed something in her computer and one of our lawyers were sent to meet us and bring us to Room 341.
"Shea, I'm sorry for this." Attorney Shaw told me as we were about to enter the room.
"What are you-"
He cut me off by saying, "You'll understand once you're inside."
I nodded and led my kids to the small fancy waiting room. I shook my head at my lawyer's overreaction and just chuckled at the thought of, "what could go wrong?"
And at that second, I knew the world hated me.
Standing there, wearing a white dress with a black cardigan was Sasha, my ex-wife and worst nightmare. Beside her was her douchebag of a boyfriend, John Samuels in an expensive, perfectly-tailored black suit.
Sasha pulled out that welcoming, embracing smile that was telling you "welcome home" and held out her arms like she was waiting for my kids to hug her.
I laughed.
Not the fake, sarcastic laugh. But the laugh that tells you you're funny. I think I even snorted just to stop myself.
Sasha's smile faded and John looked at me like I was crazy.
Maybe I am.
Avery just walked past them and took out his iPad out of the blue backpack he brought. He sat on the leather couch then started playing Minecraft. Ashley followed him on the couch and she too, brought her little gadget to cheer her up. I followed them suit and sprawled on the couch like I was at home.
I know what Avery and Ashley were playing at. We played this before for Sasha's last birthday she celebrated with us. We were pretending to not notice her and do everything nonchalantly. Then we surprised her and told our Happy Birthday speeches.
But the surprise was for the judge to say.
To tell her that I have full custody of my children and she could suck John's ass.
"I like our waiting room, Mom. It's cute and expensive looking." Ashley spoke up, continuing our little game.
"Seriously, Ash? I hate it. It has too many plastics, like that chair over there and something weird over there. If that thing was thrown into the sea, I swear, it would float for years." He said, pointing at a place near his Mommy.
John and Sasha were still standing near the door but John now has his arms around Sasha while she was trembling a bit.
I decided to step up the game.
"It's a nice room, yeah, but I agree with Avery. Too much plastic.Needs a little more genuinity." I sighed. "Would you like to see your Mommy soon?"
Avery was smirking. "You mean, Sasha. I wouldn't call her Mommy ever. She never deserved our love. I hope she leaves us alone soon."
"I know, Aves! She seriously pisses me off, it's actually best that she left us. We never needed her. And you know what? They still decided to keep that dog who bit me! What kind of mother is she?" Ashley whined.
"Good thing she's not ours anymore. We have what we want and need. A great and understanding Mom." Avery said, leaving his iPad for a while to hug me.
Ashley did the same and I returned their hugs and sweet exchanges of "I love you's".
By now, the whole room echoed my ex-wife's strangled and broken sobs.
"What are you trying to do, Shea? Use our children to break me?" She said inbetween cries.
I scoffed. "Ugh. Excuse me, our children? Make your own kids, Sasha. Oh. Maybe you could make a dozen with your new boyfriend."
Sasha walked nearer to our couch and knelt before Avery. She carefully took his fedora and ruffled his hair a bit. Avery flinched and snatched her hand away from him.
"Stay away from me, Sasha." He spat.
She got up, startled. She had a hand to her mouth and she was sobbing like crazy.
"Is this what you want, Shea? To break me, again and again?"
I stood up from the couch and got into my challenging stance, with my arms folded and my eyes narrowed.
"Oh so now, you're the broken one? I'd just like to remind you that while we were still together, I found you making out with this douchebag in our bedroom. What does that make me feel? And that time when you said straight out of the blue that you wanted to leave us and move in with him. What does that make me feel? When you filed the divorce papers without my permission. What does that make us feel? Yes, Sasha. Us. Me, my kids, your parents, Sam, my dad. Weren't we broken? Tell me! You barely know what it's like. But I guess Ashley is right. We should be thankful you left." I said firmly.
"It was best for all of us that Sasha wanted to be with me. What are you so proud of? That Sasha's parents loves you so much? And that you have children with her?" John asked.
"What am I so proud about? Hm...I have a boy who has honors and just this morning, he was lecturing me with the importance of a banana in his meal, he even used a word I never said my whole life. And maybe I'm proud of a girl who has a ballet recital every month and that she's been invited to a prestigious summer school for her dancing. I'm proud of the fact that they are capable of so much without their Mommy. I'm proud of the fact that I know all of those things while someone never even heard of it. I'm not proud of the fact that these children are Sasha's. I'm proud because they're mine." I huffed. "Come on, dudes." I said, ushering them out of the claustrophobia-inducing room.
"That. Was. Badass, Mom!!!" Ashley shrieked once we were outside.
"And the ending? BAM! Roasted John on the menu!" Avery said proudly.
"Okay, okay. That's enough. We have a case to win!" I chuckled.
"Yeah!" They agreed in unison.
I laughed and we all started laughing. Attorney Shaw came to pick us up as we were laughing the last breaths of our lungs. We headed to the court where history was made.
I won.
I won the full custody of Ashley Marie Moore and Avery Marshall Moore.
"So guys, ice cream?" I asked as we were leaving the court house.
"Sure, Mom." Avery replied.
"Let's go!" Ashley shouted and we ran past lawyers and members of the jury in the hall.
"Shea! Ash! Aves!" A woman panted behind us.
We stopped abruptly. We would know that voice anywhere. It was my ex-mother-in-law, Susan. She jogged closer to us and she bent over in exhaustion.
"Hey, I was just wondering if all of you could come over for dinner tomorrow at eight. We'll all cook one of your favorites." She chuckled.
"Of course, Mamu. We could go. Right, Mom?" Avery queried, looking up at me.
"Of course, bud." I chuckled.
"But do you still remember our favorites, Mamu? We won't come over unless you do." Ashley teased.
Susan rolled her eyes. "Meatballs for Avery, fettucine Alfredo for Shea and the Peters's signature chocolate cake for Ashley."
"That's all correct!" Ashley faked a gasp and we all chuckled.
Maybe it was a fun night. Who knows?