Welcome to Cloud City, you can call me The Narrator. Do I have a story to tell and tell it I will. Whether you like it or not is none of my concern. Unlike you, a simpleton stuck to this word and the next, I–am–everywhere. I see all and I know all.
This tale follows Dick Spangler, world renowned superhero, Super Dick.
Yes, Super Dick. I didn't pick the fucking name. He picked it for himself, only God and I know why and soon you will too. Every superhero has a tragic origin story, and Super Dick, well, Super Dick's origin story is quite something. That's for another time, however, because our illustrious main character is on the move.
And here he comes now, Super Dick, the greatest superhero in the entire world, flying seventy-five feet above the gridlocked traffic of Barnaby Highway.
Rush hour.
The busiest time of the day, and despite what he's been told numerous times, flying so close and so fast to the ground was dangerous. But sometimes the mission at hand is far too important as to allow the idea of safety concerns for the public to enter his shallow mind, and this dear reader, this was one of those moments.
The Barnaby bridge was secured on either side of the six-lane with 4-foot-tall cement walls. Lining the median were Palm Trees reaching high into the sky. I hate Palm Trees.
The pristine blue Pacific Ocean stretched onward and outward to the horizon on either side. Just look at those rich liberals on their yachts throwing back white claws while their underage daughters make questionable life choices on Tiktok.
Super Dick zoomed overhead the gridlock at eight hundred miles per hour, shattering the sound barrier. Of course, a loud boom filled the sky and the resulting shock wave smashed into the vehicles below shoving them out of their lanes flipping everything from mom's Volkswagen to dad's diesel truck. Vehicles smashed into those next to them while they were all still sliding across the road only to pile up along the cement walls.
To a mere human, the sight of Super Dick would have been but a simple blip of the color red, the color of his suit. But no one would see it as they were all fighting for their lives, pointless as they may be.
Before the first call to 911 could be made, Super Dick had already slowed to take a sharp dive miles away from the destruction, landing on his feet at the last moment. The pavement collapsed into a crumbled, shallow pothole exploding dirt and debris in all directions. He couldn't have stuck his superhero landing any more arrogantly. And would you listen to that? Several car alarms somewhere are blaring as a result.
Super Dick tapped his right ear. He was receiving a call from his best friend, Chip Masters, or as he is more commonly known, Microchip. Yes, he is a midget.
"I'm hearing about a major car wreck on Barnaby bridge," Microchip said.
The worry in his voice was apparent, but Super Dick was unfazed. His mind was on the task before him.
"They're saying it's close to a hundred car pile-up. You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you?"
"Hard to say, little buddy. I was kind of in the zone."
God, listen to him! He sounds so smug! And he spoke loudly, as if he were actively wearing headphones and trying to talk while listening to Taylor Swift's hit instant classic, Look What You Made Me Do. He just loves being noticed. What an asshole.
"Oh my God. It was you! You can fly! Why do you always insist on flying directly over the road with the traffic? You don't have to do that! You can fly over the ocean…over freaking buildings!"
"That was the quickest route, little buddy. I asked SIRI and SIRI doesn't lie. Sorry, I can't chat. This is too important. I'm right outside. Everything rides on this."
Super Dick tapped the hidden ear piece, hanging up on the midget. Just before entering the building before him, Super Dick playfully shoots the gun at a little kid being led by his mother into the nearby Chinese restaurant four stores down. The kid was smiling as those prepubescent things do, and mom was smitten with the greatest superhero in the world.
Super Dick opened the door and the little bell chimed, alerting everyone inside that another customer had entered. Only this time, it wasn't just another sexy time deprived nerd looking for his next nerdgasm. No, it was Super Dick! Then, he simply stood in line and waited until it was his turn.
Super Dick was entirely oblivious to the fact that every single soul in the store had stopped what they were doing the moment he entered. The little Neanderthals couldn't help themselves but to pull out their cellphones and start recording and taking unauthorized selfies behind his back. You know the one's, where they hold the phone up high and the idiot the picture is named for is sticking out his or her tongue like Miley Cyrus. How I loathe these people.
Super Dick's turn finally arrives so he steps up to the counter.
"Welcome to GameStop, uh…sir. How can I help you?"
The cashier was about to have a…nerdgasm? Forgive me, from the looks of the emo man-child it could very well be the other kind.
"Good evening young man," Super Dick started. "One of my twitter followers tipped me off that this particular GameStop store has PlayStation 5's in stock, so I hurried down here to pick one up. It was Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. He follows me. We're followers of one another. No big deal."
"Wow, I can't believe it. It's, it's you. It's Super Dick!"
"Oh boy," Super Dick exhaled. "What's your name, kid?"
"Gregory."
"Wow, really? From the way you look, you know, with your uh, makeup and black hair combed over and hanging over your left eye…and the leather choker, I'd have pegged you as an Edward or Damon. You know, vampire names. Your parents really had no clue, am I right?" Super Dick chuckled.
Every superhero has a weakness.
"Yes, it's me. Super Dick. I know that's amazing. This must be the greatest moment of your entire life. Looking at you, it's entirely understandable, to me at least, that your life was going nowhere until this very moment."
ManWolf's weakness is silver bullets.
"There will always be the moment before you met the greatest superhero in the world, and the time after the moment you met the greatest superhero in the world. But can we please, for the love of Elvis, skip this fan boy cream in your pants idolatry and just go get my console? If you have one in stock, that is. Do you have one in stock?"
Gregory didn't respond to Super Dick before walking away. He returned a moment later with a brand-new PlayStation 5.
"Will that be all…Super Dick?"
Psycho Cheerleader's weakness is her memory of a boy named Doug.
"What was that," Super Dick asked.
"What do you mean?"
Super Dick's weakness is his mouth. Or his brain. Or the fact that he has no fucking filter between the two.
"What I mean is your tone. You took a tone with me just now."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"No I didn't."
"I heard it, okay? You put extra emphasis on dick in my superhero name. I heard it. Everyone heard it."
"Maybe you're just self-conscious, dude. You might be the greatest super hero in the world, but your super hero name's cap."
"Cap? What is that? What's cap? What does that mean?"
A random customer among the crowd answered Super Dick, somewhat timidly. "It means bullshit, um…sir."
"Do you even know why my name is Super Dick? Do any of you? My mother gave me that name when I was a child. Because I would fly around our house and she would call me Super Dick for being so stinking cute while doing it."
"I can think of another meaning," Gregory replied. "It could just mean you're a big dick, which is why you have such a large 'D' emblazoned over your chest."
"That's not true! The 'D' on my chest is that big because it's a call back to my favorite childhood show, Lois and Clark The New Adventures of Superman! Dean Cain's Superman 'S' was all over his chest and no one said anything!"
"That's because Dean Cain's Superman wasn't a dick to people, where as you are a big dick to people. A super dick."
People laughed, then Super Dick's eyes glowed green. His face flushed red with embarrassment. The greatest superhero in the world was being picked on by an emo childlike man slash human slash GameStop employee. A banner day for our main character.
"For the last time," Super Dick said. "My superhero name is Super Dick because my mom thought I was super cute with my super fucking abilities. It's sentimental. So I don't care how my name sounds. Comprender esay?"
A moment of silence grew off Super Dick's final words. The quiet was snapped only when another random customer spoke out.
"And he's racist, too?"
Super Dick's entire demeanor changed in that singular moment. His anger subsided and so did his green, energy filled eyes. Looking back and forth to Gregory and the crowd of onlookers, all of which were recording the incident, Super Dick pleaded.
"I'm not. I'm not racist. Look at you. Look at me. We're all hanging around freely, doing our own free things. I don't care if you're Mexican, rainbow Mexican, Mexican fluid…I just had sex with a Mexican the other day. Besides, I say comprender esay to everyone, not just you people."
The entire collection of nitwits let out an audible gasp.
"Wow, things really got awkward in here just now," Super Dick said.
"Maybe you should leave," Gregory told him.
"I'd like to buy my PlayStation 5, first."
"Seriously, dude? You insult me and you want me to check you out like you didn't just reveal you're a racist?"
"I'm not!"
"I'm not even Hispanic, dude!"
"Really? Because you definitely have the nose."
"Oh my God! Get out of here!"
At this point, everyone in the store was yelling at our main character to leave. Obscenities were being hurled. The idiot should have just walked away, but if he did, that wouldn't make for a very good story, now would it? Let's see him dig an even bigger hole for himself.
Super Dick continued.
"Did you hear that loud boom outside just a minute ago? That was me, literally breaking the sound barrier to get here. So you can sell me the PS5 or I can just call your corporate office, Gregory. Treating the world's greatest superhero like this? Big controversy. I doubt GameStop could survive another one after the whole Reddit war on Wall Street debacle."
Gregory thought on his options. The wheels were turning in that pea brain of his, but finally, he relented. Gregory scanned the barcode on the box.
"I'll also get Assassin's Creed Valhalla, Ratchet and Clank, and Sackboy," Super Dick said.
Gregory walked away, clearly pissed off with the circumstances and returned with the three games.
"Oh, and Destiny 2," Super Dick added.
Do you simpletons see now? Do you see just how preposterous all of this is? For me?
For all intents and purposes I am God of this entire fucking universe and when I look out, what do I see? An arrogant, pig headed, moron in tights! And I can't—fucking—control—his actions!
Everything and everyone else, sure, no problem. I can make the wind play with Agent Rebirth's hair, hell, I could erase her from existence, as with any other superhero…but not Super Dick.
Why?
Something does please me this day, however. You see, Super Dick is a buffoon, an ignorant and extremely annoying fool, but in this day and age, his potty mouth can be recorded, sent, shared, tweeted, and tiktok'd around the world faster than the greatest superhero in the world can fly!
Yes.
I can use this. I may not be able to affect Super Dick directly, but indirectly, I could use all the hate his GameStop rant will create to bring forth something that will finally skull drag that pretty boy straight to hell. If I start now I can have it ready by the time the twat arrives.