Ah yes, the set of the Ed Edwards late night talk show. David Letterman on steroids, and a bit of Conan O'Brian mixed in for flavor because I really like that ginger.
Three hundred audience members were clapping and screaming like maniacs as the intro song for the live late night talk show blared.
Good God, it sounds horrible. The band is usually pretty good…I bet Jorge, the drummer, is high again. The crackhead just can't keep it together.
And look at that glorious set for the show. The background is all LED screen, showing a live view over Times Square. Absolutely beautiful! Except for the roving gangs of victims who think reparations mean stealing a forty inch curved smart TV and Reebok's from Wal-Mart.
Oh! And here is the host of the show! Let's hear what he has to say.
"Welcome to the show, everybody! Welcome," Ed said.
That rhymed, deal with it.
"Big, big show tonight, folks. Probably the biggest in our history. Look, we all know what happened. We all saw the video that has taken the entire world by surprise. The greatest super hero in the world, right? Well look, I didn't want to waste any time tonight. Let's get the big guy out here! Right after these commercials!"
Don't get your undies in a wad. I won't make you suffer through the commercials. Let's just fast forward past the Coca-Cola and the Pearl Milling Company pancake syrup ads, no one is buying that stuff anyway. Oh look, a social justice ad. The flower in the pocket of a police officer, how sweet. Countdown to the flower girl's cancellation has begun. I give her one hour before the shit hits the fan. Wow, another medicine for genital herpes. Side effects are cramps, heat stroke, your heart could explode, and spontaneous blindness. They didn't mention death, so it might be an option for you.
And we're back! Thank God. Here's Ed. He's sitting behind his desk now.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest super hero in the world, Super Dick!"
Super Dick emerged from behind the black curtains to no music. This was a request by Agents Montana and Hannah. They were worried about perception. This was a somber moment, and somber moments require silence.
Prior to the show, the audience had been instructed to remain silent as well. They were trying their best. Several sounds of contempt could be heard from a few of them, however.
Super Dick waved and smiled with his typical asshole air. No one's even clapping for you, dick. Just walk out, sit down, and die already!
"Super Dick, thank you for joining us," Ed stated, when Super Dick sat in the chair beside his desk.
"It's my pleasure to be here, Ed. I've always wanted to appear on your show. I wish it were under better circumstances."
Well would you look at this. Agents Montana and Hannah fed Super Dick the words and he's regurgitating them perfectly. Don't you worry. It's only a matter of time before the real Super Dick reveals himself.
"I agree," Ed replied. "It's great to finally have you on, but there is this, cloud, hanging over all our heads in the form of this online video."
"It's unfortunate, Ed."
"An understatement if there ever was one," Ed shot back.
Ohhhh, I can see it in his eyes. Super Dick is getting angry.
"Was that a question," our main character asked.
"No. I suppose it was just a statement about an understatement. Your understatement. Super Dick, are you deliberately trying to downplay the events at GameStop?"
"…Not at all. I know what happened was uh, was wrong. And…and I would like to apologize for uh, for what I did."
"You would," Ed asked, surprised. "Okay then. Super Dick, the floor is yours. Apologize."
Super Dick looked outward to the camera's. The audience sat silent, patiently waiting for the greatest super hero in the world to offer his mea culpa.
"Hold on a second there, Super Dick," Ed said. "You're about to apologize to the whole wide world, and while that's great and all, it still doesn't seem like it's enough. You know what I mean? We have a surprise for you, Super Dick. Ladies and gentlemen, the GameStop employee from the altercation, Gregory Willis!"
The audience went wild. Ed Edwards certainly knows how to create fun television. It's all lining up perfectly.
"Welcome to the show, Gregory," Ed said.
"Thank you," Gregory replied, sitting down in the chair beside Super Dick.
"How have you been, Greg," Ed asked.
"It's not been easy. Since the incident, my life has been turned upside down. I'm receiving hate mail, online and in real life. My family has moved on account of mobs that are pro-Super Dick."
"Super Dick," Ed asked. "I suppose now would be the perfect time for you to look the young man in the eyes and apologize."
"…Thanks…Ed."
Hah! You can tell this is killing Super Dick, but he turned in his seat and faced Gregory anyway.
"Sorry."
"Is that it," Ed asked. "That's all you give the poor guy? You ruined his life and you give him one little word?"
"What else am I supposed to give him? My blood?"
The audience gasped.
Super Dick continued. "And saying that I ruined his life is exaggerating. This kid's life is about a hundred million richer since I graced him with my presence thanks to all his donations on Go Fund Me."
Ed started to speak but Super Dick cut him off.
"Only one word? Only one? He's lucky I did that! If anyone's life is under attack it's mine! All my sponsors have dropped me. My talent agency. I was even set to star in the next six Fast and Furious movies! Well not anymore! They replaced me with ManWolf. Can you see that werewolf freak standing next to Vin Diesel? Neither can I!"
"I've had mobs outside my home," Gregory shouted.
"Mobs," Super Dick scoffed. "You mean Americans exercising their freedoms. You said you moved, Greg. Where did you move? Into a mansion in Bel Air! Is it the same one Fresh Prince lived in?"
Yes, keep pushing Gregory's buttons.
"The only reason I'm here," Super Dick continued, "is because of what cancel culture did to Chronologicus. No one knows where the master of timing is! For three years he's been missing because vanishing was easier than having to deal with all of you psycho's. Uh oh. Did I offend anyone? I don't give a shit!"
Super Dick stood up and approached the audience and camera's.
"I'm no academic, but doesn't the idea of freedom of speech mean that we have to be willing to get offended? I said some things people didn't like. Call me an asshole and move on, otherwise you become the things you label everyone else. I'm not the fascist. You are. I'm not the racist. You are."
Look! Look at Gregory. The anger in his eyes is fucking poetic!
Super Dick continued. "I resent the fact that I've been attacked by people I consider close online followers…like Duane "The Rock" Johnson. What he tweeted about me is wrong. The stop Mexican hate hashtag is especially wrong because this kid isn't even Mexican! He told me so! And so what if I mistook him for being Mexican? One, he looks Hispanic! Two, he wears so much make up no one in this whole wide world even knows what he really looks like!"
At that very moment, every cellphone in the studio chimed, alerting their owners to incoming information. Super Dick continued his glorious rant as everyone glared at their phones.
"And then you make me come on this show to apologize? What if I don't? I'm exiled from civil society? You people do realize I saved this entire planet two different times last year, right? You're welcome!"
Gregory took his phone and stood up, as did Ed. Oh it's about to get bloody, folks.
Super Dick continued. "This whole situation is insane. Don't call me the next time aliens invade. I'm out of here."
Beams of solid black light which formed tentacles shot from every phone in the studio and connected with the user. Gregory as well.
Expand your mind, reader. Think on this. At this very moment, all across the world, those black tentacles have connected to the faces of billions directly through their phones. Using the lanes of the internet…all the hate, all the vile feelings, all the rage and evil Super Dick's actions has created is now being ripped from their sources and transported here, to the set of Ed Edwards late night talk show, and deposited into our little emo friend.
As the black energy flowed over Gregory he stood frozen in place, his body jerking involuntarily as if he were receiving a massive electric shock. Perhaps he is. I've never done this before. The phone fell from his hand and it floated mid-drop. Hundreds of tiny strings stretched from the singular black tentacle and latched to Gregory's face and head. More followed, and this continued until his entire being was encased.
The tentacles that were attached to every face in the studio and indeed billions of faces across the world detached, dissipated in the air like dust, then bodies collapsed. Not dead. Not yet.
Super Dick tapped the hidden earpiece. "What in the hell is this, little buddy?"
"I have no idea," Microchip replied, as he watched the live televised event from the safety of their lair beneath Belle Tower.
"It came from their phones," Super Dick said. "That's your domain.
"Yes, the internet is my area of expertise…but nothing in history has ever physically manifested itself from the internet!"
"Okay, okay. No need to shout at me. I guess I will just…go take a look?"
Super Dick approached the encapsulated GameStop employee. Your midget partner is correct Super Dick, no one has ever seen anything like this.
Thousands of strands exploded from the black creature, all grabbing a hold of Super Dick then throwing him into the LED wall behind Ed Edwards desk. Beautiful sparks burst out from the crash.
The creature grew exponentially until it was nearly twenty feet tall. The vile substance covering Gregory sprouted six arms and four legs. Its head was forming nicely until Super Dick shot from the wreckage of the wall like a bullet and burst straight through it, splitting the head in two. No worries, now the creature has two heads.
Behold, reader…Cancel Culture Creature! All the hate from all over the world focused into one GameStop employee who plays Fortnite on his phone…he had this coming all along.
Super Dick spun around in the air and once again barreled into the creature, this time center mass. The greatest super hero in the world sliced through its body splitting it in two. Look, now it has two bodies! I have really out done myself.
A dozen tentacles emerged from Cancel Culture Creature's back. These tentacles snaked their way into the audience, grabbing bodies, and chucked them at Super Dick. He's fast! Super Dick is catching each one and dropping them safely on the floor.
Super Dick's eyes burn green then electrified bolts burst forth and slam into my Cancel Culture Creature. The beams are strong. The force alone pushes my monster backwards, tumbling over seats in the audience section, crushing the unconscious to death. I told you it was going to get bloody.
Here comes Agents Montana and Hannah. And Captain North America as well. What's Super Dick's little entourage going to do? My Cancel Culture Creature is going to kill the greatest super hero in the world!
The two agents levitate nearly into the rafters. What are they doing now? They seem to be facing one another and flying around in circles. When did they begin holding hands? The colors…magnificent.
Clouds of purples, pinks, and blues form between them and begin shooting outward. Sparks, like firecrackers pop in similar colors. They stop spinning, hands connected and facing my Cancel Culture Creature.
My beautiful baby roars! The creature lunges toward the agents. Perfectly narrow lines of multi-colored light emit from their opposite hands and connect directly before them to form one powerful beam of multi-colored energy. Hold on to your hat, my child, this may sting.
My innocent baby screeched with searing pain as those two freaks penetrated its chest with their unity beam. The pain is almost too much for my creation, yet it stops screaming like a little bitch and turns its ire on the agents.
Cancel Culture Creature charges forward crushing seats and the still unconscious beneath its massive feet. The power beam emitted by the agents burst all the way through Cancel Culture Creature…yet he continues his advance. Super Dick flies down and delivers a hundred super speed charged punches to its two heads.
Cancel Culture Creature growls, a hundred more tentacles formed and wrapped Super Dick up tight like a…well, have you seen this machine advertised that sucks the air out of packaged foods? Kind of like that. Super Dick's face is turning blue. Squeeze harder!
My child grabs Agents Montana and Hannah by their heads and squeezes until their heads pop like bloody cherries. And then, my perfect creature turns his attention on Captain North America.
Cancel Culture Creature lunges at the wanna be super hero and in one fell swoop, crushes Captain North America entirely, just as he had those rows of seats and audience members. Three dead. One more to go.
He reshapes himself into a formless blob with four massive tentacles, each one wrenching on an arm and leg. Listen to his screams! The pain in Super Dick's cries are music to my ears!
In one last ditch effort to survive, Super Dick burns his green eye beams through the creature. The hole it makes reveals Gregory inside, he's crying for Super Dick to save him. The hole closes, but exhaustion gets the better of our protagonist.
There goes Super Dick's left arm! You could hear the bones and muscles separating as it was ripped off. I could hear it, at least. And you could too if this were a television show. Get on it, Netflix…or any of their competitors!
Super Dick's right leg was next. Oh the blood and pain! Cancel Culture Creature holds the mangled body of the greatest super hero in the world high in the air, two tentacles pulling on his right arm, two tentacles pulling on his left leg, and just like that, my unstoppable creation rips Super Dick's remaining two limbs away and his nub of a body falls to the blood soaked floor…DEAD.
Wait…wait a second. Something isn't exactly right. Something doesn't…feel the way it should.
Time…time is reversing.
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This needs to stop…NOW!
"Hi, old friend," Chronologicus said, smiling at Captain North America.
Chronologicus?
"Chronologicus," Captain North America exclaimed. "Where…when?"
"Don't worry about that. Just move. Now."
Cancel Culture Creature lunges at Captain North America but instead of killing that insufferable idiot, Chronologicus releases a narrowed temporal wave from the palms of his stupid hands, effectively pausing my creation mid-attempted murder.
"I can only hold it out of time for a minute…maybe," Chronologicus shouted.
Super Dick muscled his way out of the grip of those tentacles, hovered over the back of my creation, and lasered him with his eyes.
"I'm losing grip on time," Chronologicus screamed.
"Hold this thing a little longer," Super Dick replied, burning a hole into the black skin of my baby. What are you trying to do? My Cancel Culture Creature will devour you!
No! Super Dick has ripped him open and pulled the emo Gregory free of its power. The howls, sounding like a thousand different voices, emerged from the wilting pile of black shit that is now my dead creation.
I can't believe this. I actually cannot believe this.
Still cradling the GameStop employee in his arms, Super Dick floated down and placed Gregory on Ed Edwards desk then approached Chronologicus and Captain North America.
"How did you stop the monster like that," Super Dick asked Chronologicus.
"As you two know, my abilities concerning time has always been mental. I always knew the future three minutes ahead of time, but I never knew why. I realized it was my mind picking up echoes from the future sent to my present. I then began creating fractal time dilation's that, indeed, my brain received from my future self…"
"Christ, you haven't changed at all, Chrono," Super Dick said. "Instead of just knowing time, you can manipulate time now? Is that it?"
"A drastic over-simplification…but yes. I can reverse time three minutes and hold time at a full stop for a few seconds."
"Can you save Agents Hannah and Montana," Super Dick asked.
"That was my intention, however, something kept me from doing so."
"Something? What was it?"
"I am unsure. It could have been the limit of my abilities."
"If you're worried about the agents, don't be," Captain North America told Super Dick. "We have more."
"…That's kind of cold even for you, Cap."
"What I mean is they are clones. UNCLE SAM has a lot more."
Several portals pop open nearby and from the confines of UNCLE SAM headquarters came two dozen more Agents Montana and Hannah. One broke away from the larger group and approached the super heroes.
"We require the three of you to return to UNCLE SAM for an after action de-brief," Agent Hannah said. "Super Dick, it's good to see you again." The agent returned to the group to assist in monster retrieval and perform aid to the bystanders.
Super Dick smiled. "I think she wants me to lay the pipe. But how did she know me? We never met."
Captain North America replied, "all the clones share memories, feelings, all that stuff.
"You mean to tell me, that if one of the Agent Hannah's wants to party, then they all want to party? How many Hannah's are there?"
"A hundred. Well, ninety-nine."
Super Dick laughed. "Let's get this after action report done. I finally got a good reason to use my super speed."
Super Dick, you intolerable bastard! You got lucky today but I swear to you, one of these days you will know death…I will introduce you. And Chronologicus, I already have something special planned for you. Thank you for returning. As for you, reader, I suppose we're stuck together until I can make good on my promise.