10 Years Ago…
Super Dick flew high into the sky and scanned the wooded area. The one hundred acre forest was known as Timber Forrest. The name changes later. You'll see why. It's glorious.
"I don't see him, little buddy!" He wiped the blood off his cheek and waited impatiently for Microchip to respond.
"My satellites aren't picking him up," Microchip replied through Super Dick's ear piece.
"When you submitted your resume to my ad about a sidekick, you said this would never happen."
"I never said that!"
"Yes you did. I remember, because I specifically asked you about this very specific situation. I told you that Doctor Divine liked to play hide and seek with me. I asked if your technology could help me find him because I freaking hate hide and seek. And you said…"
"And I said, absolutely."
"Yeah…so what the fuck, little buddy?"
"I'm sorry, Super Dick…wait! One of my satellites just picked up a gravitational anomaly near your location."
"That would be the good doc and his hover disk. Give me the location so I can end this loser and get back to my Supernatural. I left Sam and Dean paused in the middle of them tied up by vampires. Hey, check the mail. Netflix should be sending me my next three DVD's."
Christ…Super Dick was still a jackass ten years ago. If at any time his personality becomes too much for you to continue, just know that I am showing you the past for a reason.
"North," Microchip replied. "Two hundred yards."
Super Dick spun around, then he spun around back the other way.
"Okay, Lewis and Clark," Super Dick said. "Just tell me left or right."
"…Just go straight."
"Straight, my favorite kind of line."
What the fuck does that even mean? Oh, and Super Dick takes off, soaring through the sky at an easy fifty miles an hour.
"He's there," Microchip yelled. "Below you."
"I don't see him."
"Are you using your x-ray vision?"
"…Yeah, of course."
He wasn't, just so we are clear. And this is the guy that becomes my nemesis. Super Dick did switch to his x-ray vision, however.
"Got him," Super Dick said, then he burst from the clouds like a rocket and disappeared into the canopy of trees.
Super Dick floated down to the ground and approached the hover disk on foot. The platform that Doctor Divine used to get around was there, levitating in the air all by itself.
"I found his ride, little buddy."
"It's a trap," Microchip yelled, but it was too late. The trap was already sprung.
One by one, seventy-two, seven foot tall, massive robots de-cloaked. Each hand on every robot was fashioned into a photon cannon and they were aimed directly at the not yet nicknamed, world's greatest superhero. Through the heads of the seventy-two robots came forth one voice, Doctor Divine.
"Hello, Super Dick."
Microchip's voice came softly thought the hidden earpiece. "Super Dick, I don't know what all that photon energy will do to you."
"What's up, doc?"
"What's up, is that I have you surrounded. I do wish I could be there in the flesh to witness your oh so indestructible skin melt off your bones."
"He's nearby." Microchip's voice came through the hidden piece once more. "Keep him talking."
"Really? What's the hold up, doc? If you're just running behind, I can wait on you. No rush. Or, and I think this is the real reason you can't be here…you're a pussy ass bitch."
All seventy-two photon cannons fired at once sending chaotic beams of red and black slamming into Super Dick on all sides.
"Super Dick!"
Microchip screamed as loud as he could but it was pointless. Super Dick couldn't hear his little buddy. It was becoming hard to think, even stand, so Super Dick fell to his knees; and Doctor Divine's death robots marched closer, intensifying their seventy-two separate assaults.
"…It…hurts."
Oh indeed it did hurt. This is fun to watch. Alas, I know how it ends.
"Super Dick," Microchip screamed. "I just checked the mail! Your DVD's are here!"
"…You're not…lying…are you?"
Doctor Divine's death robots marched closer.
"NO!"
"…Put them…in…my room."
This was when one of Super Dick's greatest powers emerged. As if his flight, strength, speed, and all the others weren't enough.
Instead of the seventy-two photon beams crushing Super Dick into the Earth, his body accepted the energy, soaking it all in, and then he stood up. The photon energy he soaked in began dripping from his eyes, ears, nose, and mouth in the form of electrified red fog.
Super Dick hovered in the air so that he was at the same height as the death robots, then released all that stored photon energy as a rolling circular wave that exploded every robot it touched.
The wave of energy went far past the robots and continued on into the untouched landscape of Timber Forest. Trees caught fire and exploded into dust. Deer, rabbits, bugs, everything living was turned to ash. By the time the photon energy dispersed, ninety percent of Timber Forest had been turned to a cinder…hence it's current name, Cinder Forest.
"I have his location," Microchip said.
"Where?"
"Hello, Super Dick," Doctor Divine said. The worry on Super Dick's face, his heart must have dropped to the basement when he heard the doctor's voice though his earpiece.
Mere seconds later, Super Dick arrived at Belle Tower, landing inside the bell house at the top. Super Dick ducked under the massive bell, then the floor beneath his feet clicked and clanked, lowering him all the way down to his lair beneath the streets of Cloud City.
When the elevator doors opened, Doctor Divine was behind Microchip with his arm around the throat and one of his experimental guns pressed into the sidekick's temple.
"I wasn't sure what my photon cannons would do to you, but I never thought they would activate another power. What are you made of?"
"I'd like to know that myself," Super Dick replied.
"Then allow me to put you under the microscope."
"I wouldn't let you treat a wart. What the hell is this, Divine? Your robots couldn't take me. What's your little water gun going to do?"
"It's special."
"I'm sure it is. Hand it over."
Doctor Divine aimed at Super Dick and fired. A white beam encased in a blue spiraling light emerged. Super Dick moved out of the way just in time. Confused, Super Dick looked and saw nothing. There was no explosion. No sparks.
"What kind of gun is that, Divine," Super Dick asked.
Doctor Divine fired again, but this time Super Dick charged the villain while also dodging the light show. Super Dick grabbed the doctor by his mechanical body harness and tossed him into the wall on the other side of the room.
"Are you okay, little buddy?"
"Yeah, thanks, Super Dick," Microchip said, rubbing his neck. "Super Dick, watch out!"
Microchip jumped in between Super Dick and the white beam with blue spiraling light around it and screamed in agony. Doctor Divine was about to fire once more, but Super Dick rushed over and crushed the gun in hand.
Before Super Dick's eyes, Microchip shrank. The process was painful, so painful that his screams could be heard street side by pedestrians.
"No," Doctor Divine said, defeated. "It was meant for you. It was meant for you."
"What? What the hell is happening to him?"
"He's shrinking. Yes…shrinking. But don't worry. The shrink ray didn't connect for too long. Had I shot you, I would have held it on you until you were as small as a bug…and then I would have crushed you with my heel."
And that is how Microchip became a midget. Plot twist.
Present Day…
It's a beautiful day today. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping…the only negative impact on this wonderful day is the fact that Super Dick is at the podium about to speak to the people of the city.
I suppose I should set the scene. I imagine you're about as lost as a blind child in daylight at this point. Okay, picture this if you can. A group of reporters and locals are gathered together. Before them is the podium and our illustrious main character is behind said podium about to make comments on Cinder Forest, which is behind him and the local officials. It's the tenth anniversary of its destruction at the hands of the world's greatest superhero, after all. Let's see what the idiot has to say.
"Today is a day of sorrow," Super Dick started. "Ten years ago, my war with the evil Doctor Divine came to ahead in what was once called Timber Forest. It was lush with the oldest trees in our entire state. Then Doctor Divine's mad inventions caused the disaster that has led to the charred Earth we now see today. From what I'm told, nothing green will ever grow in this area again."
Listen to this guy pandering to the crowd. Some are even crying? What are these crocodile tears for? I bet none of you ever set foot in the forest! Besides, it was your favorite super hero that destroyed it.
Super Dick continues. "I do have good news today. A company called Eco Redesign, a non-profit research firm, has developed a technology that they say will regrow the forest. I, for one, couldn't be happier."
I would think not, you imbecilic fraud.
"Super Dick," a reporter barked from the gathering of vultures. "Jackie Bassett, Cloud City Arbiter. News just came across the wire that your old nemesis, and the one responsible for the death of our forest, Doctor Divine, is set to be released from the Institute for Psychopaths, and on the tenth anniversary of Cinder Forest, no less. What is your reaction to this?"
"No homo?"
"I…don't know what that means," the reporter replied. "And that phrase sounds… slightly offensive?"
"Fuck my life…" Super Dick pinched the bridge of his nose. "Don't start with the cancel culture crap, again. I talk the way I talk. Don't like it? Get bent. When is the doc being released?"
"This afternoon," the reporter answered. "I find it odd that you weren't informed of this, Super Dick. Do you think this information was withheld from you?"
"Good question. I'm going to find out."
Super Dick lifted off and disappeared in the distance in a matter of seconds. Along the way, our main character tapped his ear.
"What the hell, little buddy? Did you know?"
"I didn't. I don't know what that reporter was talking about. This is as big a surprise to me as it is to you."
"Well, I'm going to find out what's going on. I'm landing now. You have the tower locked down?"
"I initiated the protocols the moment I heard that reporter."
Super Dick tapped his ear, ending the connection, then landed gently inside the enormous front yard of the Institute for Psychopaths. The grounds are enclosed by a twenty foot tall, electrified, barbwire topped, chain link fence.
But this story is all about people with super powers, how could that contain someone who could easily break through, or jump over? Don't you worry yourself, reader. Anyone who has the ability to overcome the fence is held within the institutes underground facilities.
The groundskeeper, an old Hispanic man named Mario, go figure, approached Super Dick with a rake in hand.
"Hola, Super Dick."
"What's up, Mario? How's the family?"
"My son has become my daughter, my other daughter has become my son, and my wife has become my husband. They seem to be doing fine, but I'm feeling a little confused these days."
Super Dick grinned. "It feels like you're messing with me, Mario. Are you messing with me?"
"I wish I was."
Super Dick noticed the institutes administrator, along with his entourage, approaching.
"Thank God," Super Dick muttered.
"Well, it was nice seeing you, Super Dick," Mario said, with tears in his eyes. "If you accidentally burned a hole through my brain with your eye laser's, I wouldn't be mad."
Super Dick floated over to meet Administrator Stabler under the line of pine trees. Stabler is flanked by three members of the board. No need to know their names. All you need to know is these three were on the board that agreed to the unconditional release of Doctor Divine.
"Super Dick, what brings you our way this fine evening," Stabler asked.
"Seriously? You know exactly why I'm here."
"Alfred has completed his sentence, Super Dick. There wasn't much, if anything, we could do."
"Who is Alfred," Super Dick asked.
"Alfred Divine," Stabler replied. "Doctor Alfred Divine."
"He was my greatest nemesis and I never knew his name is Alfred. Alfred, is the name of my greatest nemesis?"
"Super Dick," Stabler began. "The board convened several days ago to confirm or deny his release. We sent you communication regarding the meeting so that you could have a chance to submit your comments. Comments that our board would have most certainly taken into consideration. However, you did not reply. Your silence, along with the self-improvements Alfred has achieved over the last ten years, is what ultimately led to his unconditional release."
"So you took my not responding as I didn't care if that maniac was released?"
"Indeed."
"I never received communication."
"I don't really know what to say except that I know that we did. I know, because I followed up with you twice, myself."
Super Dick exhaled, annoyed with the whole situation. Good. I love seeing the asshole this way, a greater chance of him doing something completely stupid.
"Fine. I'll look into that on my end. What time is he being released?"
Administrator Stabler glanced at his wristwatch then answered, "now, as a matter of fact."
Super Dick flew away but he didn't go far. He soared over the entire facility until he reached the front gates. A black Rolls Royce sat waiting just outside those gates, and a reformed Doctor Divine walking to it.
Super Dick landed between the car and the doctor, arms folded across his chest, and the best scowl he could produce on his stupid face.
"Super Dick, how nice to see you," Doctor Divine smiled.
"Don't give me that."
"Don't give you…what?"
"The act. Reformed? You? I don't believe it for one second, Divine."
"Believe it, old nemesis. I have shed my old ways. Even my old looks. No more spiked, red hair. I had all my cybernetic enhancements removed, and to my detriment, I might add. As a matter of fact, the very body harness that I wore in our final confrontation, ten years ago today, I sold it to UNCLE SAM so they could reverse engineer my tech and develop whatever they deem necessary to protect themselves and the people of the world."
"Sold? They didn't just take your shit?"
"They couldn't, Super Dick. No one could touch my tech expect for me, unless your desire was to have nanites infest your nervous system and make you my own personal avatar."
"You always were an evil bastard, Divine."
"Not anymore, which is why I agreed to disable my nanites if they paid me. They did. Now I'm one of the richest men in the world."
"So you sold your tech to buy fancy things like the rest of the one percent? I don't buy your Gordan Gekko, greed schtick."
Doctor Divine chuckled. "Philanthropy, Super Dick, not greed. I wish to give back to world ten fold what I have taken from it, and I'm starting with Cinder Forest."
"What do you mean?"
"Eco Redesign? I know you have heard of it. You announced it this morning at the ceremony. You are talking to its CEO."
"No way."
Doctor Divine spoke with flair, waving his hands around as he explained it all.
"Eco Redesign was a fledgling business built around alternative energy implementation. I bought it for cheap, invested my newfound wealth into its infrastructure, and now with my latest technology, it is poised to be the first ever company to successfully terraform. It will be my first and perhaps my greatest act in healing the pain that I have caused this world. And I will strive every day after to surpass it."
"…I'm calling shenanigan's. This is bullshit. It's a lie. I know you, and I know that next to your science, your second greatest power is the con. You're a con man. You're like a magician with that stuff. Like a Democrat…or a Republican for that matter."
"I assure you, and give you my solemn vow, I have changed."
"Okay, I'll bite, Divine. You say you changed…why? What changed you into a reformed former mad scientist?"
"God…Super Dick. I have found God, or Allah, I should say."
"Allah? What? Are you a fucking Muslim or something?"
"Not something, Super Dick…I am a Muslim."
"You're blowing my mind, doc! You're not a fucking Muslim! Say something from their Bible."
"The, Holy Quran, declares, O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is oft-forgiving, most merciful. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of me, I would forgive you."
Super Dick is stunned silent. Please, I need more of this in my immortal life.
"Are we done here," Doctor Divine asked. "May I leave? There is a lot to prepare for in the coming days if the terraforming of Cinder Forest is to remain on schedule."
Super Dick moved out of the way and the now reformed Doctor Divine got into the back seat of the Rolls Royce and was driven away.
You should see Super Dick's face right now. The worry. The contempt. The confusion. And there he goes, bolting into the sky. Our celebrated protagonist, no doubt heading to Belle Tower to have a pow wow with his tiny sidekick about all this.
Well, continue reading if you want to see how much more offensive this damn thing gets. Either way, I'll be here, narrating the death of the greatest superhero in the world.