*Ana*
My arrival after a week's travel is usual. We had a smooth ride without hiccups or delays. And I arrive to find a formal affair of the welcome party. Aunt and Uncle greet me along with the nobles and servants.
It is smaller in number than before. But I won't linger on it. I push my way in. It's not something to dwell on.
And the faster I can get to my routine, the better I will feel. I know it.
"Did they not know you were returning?" Maddie whispers as we walk back in. She seems more troubled by the small number.
"Perhaps word didn't get out fast enough?" She seems to look back as if something were wrong. Again, she is trying to hope for the best. But I am not so quick to take up that optimism.
I only wish to go inside my room. But it must wait as Aunt Funda and Uncle step into our path. I frown inwardly but manage to give a light bow to greet them.
"Welcome back, Empress Anastasia, " Aunt Funda and Uncle smile at each other. They seemed pleased to have me back—a surprise as I never see them delighted to see me.
"Yes. The trip was short." I go, and again I see them smile. They seem to be delighted by that.
I hold my breath expecting them to ask questions. Why was it short? Or what happened? But to my relief, they don't. Instead, they don't seem interested in what I've done.
This seems to be the sentiment for the rest of the palace. Over the next several days, I have no inquiries. And there is no mention of my stay in Dawny. It doesn't seem to register anyone as curious.
I find the lack of interest better- it helps me forget about things. But I can not say the same for Maddie.
"What is wrong with everyone? They act as if you never left." Maddie's final bursts to me when we are alone later. Her face is ruddy as she is irritated by it.
"Maybe it's just not important." I move my feet in the water. We are outside at the front fountain today.
"No, it should. You went to a foreign country- there should be some questions." Maddie is on edge. She can't sit still for long.
"But it was a short stay-" I try to argue, but Maddie won't hear it.
"All the more why they should ask why-" She stops to look at me as if prompted. But my mouth is closed. I only pretend to be interested in the water.
It's cold on my feet. Winter is coming to Nochten. And the air is getting cooler. Soon the fireplaces will need to be lit as the nights will be freezing.
Above me, Maddie sighs.
"What? Is everyone just going to ignore it?"
I don't know why she sounds so upset. Of course, it has little to do with her. But she doesn't seem to let off this strange wagon.
"Since you've come back- it's like everyone's forgotten." Maddie pushes back her grey bangs. Her eyes look tired as if she's been going around in circles over it.
"And you-" She stops to turn to me.
"You are not helping."
"Me?" I don't see what she means.
"How am I a problem?"
"You've been carrying on like normal. You go to class, and you study- go on your walks. It's like your head is in a different space."
"I don't know what you mean," I confess I don't.
"I'm just doing as I normally do-"
"That's the problem!" Maddie snaps. I was surprised to hear her raise her voice. But she apologizes before rubbing her neck.
"That's the thing…you've switched back to your little routine as if nothing was wrong. But I know it isn't true." So here, Maddie stops to walk over to my side. I try not to look at her but know she won't leave until I do.
Finally, I conceded and looked up.
"Ana," Maddie starts again. She looms over me as I sit on the ledge. The water is up to my knees, but I don't feel it much. Then, finally, I hear the fountain sputter as it hits an air bubble.
It splashes water on me. It gets into my hair- a three-braided knot today and onto the purple top and skirt that I like so much.
"The water is so cold today." I attempt to turn the subject. But it never works with Maddie. She is pigheaded sometimes.
"Don't you think it's about time?" Maddie asks, and I cringe.
"It's been a week, and you still haven't told me what happened."
A week doesn't feel long enough. I think and suck in my lip to nibble with my fangs. I didn't want to talk about this today- I just wanted us to enjoy the last few days before it gets too cold. So I can still enjoy the water.
A nice and quiet day is all I want. A day I can spend in peace with Maddie. But my plans are not as shared as I thought. Maddie wants what I don't want to bring up. Not now or ever.
"Maddie, can't we enjoy the day?" I go. My voice cracks as I feel something coil in my stomach.
I don't want to talk about it. Can't it just be left alone?
"Ana," Maddie sits on the ledge. Water splashes on her too, but she doesn't mind. Instead, she takes up my hand. The sudden warmth makes me tense up. I didn't realize I was that cold.
I lower my shoulders before I feel a gentle squeeze. Maddie smiles at me in a way that is supposed to be reassuring.
"Why did you suddenly want to leave that night? You wanted to have tea with the queen and went all excited. But then you returned all upset." Maddie pauses to gauge me.
I shift my eyes back to look at my feet. They looked even paler under the water and curved funny. I read something about that- it concerns the water's surface and light retraction.
But I don't think I can change the topic to that now. Maddie wouldn't let me if I did.
"Did something happen between you two?"
There it is. The question. I knew it was coming.
"-" I open my mouth but don't have words. I close my lips again with a long silent look at her.
"Ana," Maddie's voice turns darker. Anger flashes over her eyes. She must already have an idea to make that look. But I doubt she knows the details.
"What did she do?"
"She didn't do anything. " My voice is softer than I expect. It almost gets drowned out by the water. But Maddie's ever-careful eye must read my lips because she's moving closer.
"Don't lie to me." Maddie goes, and I want to get up. I want to go back inside. But my legs won't move. I'm stuck.
The only thing I can do is stare back at the water. My face is moving in reflection. I morph and blop with the splashes.
"Damn it." Maddie curses, and I look up at her.
"Maddie?" I don't hear her swear often. And why would she claim now? But Maddie looks angry as she stares directly into the water.
I feel her hand squeeze mine a little tighter.
"If she didn't do anything…." Maddie pulls out of her strange funk to find me again. Her brown eyes regard me in a way I can't quite place. Is it a concerned look? But why?
"She must've said something."
"Said-" I hate to say, but I do cringe. Maddie seems to take it as a sign she just hit the nail on the head. She smiles, but it's not a happy one.
"What did she say?"
"I…" I need to be careful. I can't say anything disingenuous- this is another monarch I speak of. But, even if she is also my stepmother- I need to be careful.
So I choose my words with care.
"She… didn't say anything I didn't already know."
My eyes shift back to the fountain. I move my hand to splash the water. It smacks in the middle of my second face. My face is gone to messy pieces in the waves.
I breathe and pull my hand back into my lap. It's colder because of the water. And I feel my skirt grow wet on my legs.
"It was a mistake to have gone to Dawny."
"No-Ana, that's-"Maddie shakes her head. But, then, she is quick to take me by the shoulders.
"You can't think like that, Ana. It's not true. You are wanted so much that I can't even express it. Suppose you had just waited a bit longer to meet your- to meet the king. You would've seen how much he cares."
I only laugh to myself at how ridiculous that sounds.
"So he didn't just leave before I arrived to avoid me?" My voice is distant. I can still hear her words in my head. I've taken to mesmerize them.
"Father doesn't want me."
"Ana, you're getting it all wrong!" Maddie is up.
"He wasn't avoiding you-there was a riot. He had to resolve it. You already know this." Maddie shakes me as if it will make me believe it.
Oh, Maddie. I only look back at her. Still forever believing in the best in everyone.
But I know better now. I've learned. I'm not a fool. My silence only makes Maddie double down.
"Ana, don't you want to meet Prince Nicoli?" Maddie baits.
"Nicoli?' I feel my head pull up at the name.
"You never got to meet each other."
"Don't you want to see your brother?" Maddie smiles, but it feels wrong to me.
We did meet. I feel myself in that moment again. We met that very night. But Maddie doesn't know. I never want anyone to know what I almost did.
Sitting outside, I can feel that phantom feeling- the desire that fell over me then. Whatever something that lived inside me then was still alive. And it still remembered that night.
How sweet Nicoli smelt like soap and grass. It still wants him- craves him.
I can even feel that soft touch of his lips on mine if I close my eyes and focus. The feeling hasn't left. It may never go. But it gives me no comfort.
Because it only makes me think of how Nicoli looked at me.
Both from that night and in the morning. I see him staring after me. His large blue eyes see through me. They know what I am.
It only makes me unable to run away from the very thing I almost did. How I almost ate him-
I don't think he'll ever want to see me again. I feel the thought rings true. Perhaps that's the best thing. I shouldn't.
"It's fine like this. " I drop my eyes down to stare at nothing. That terrible night was a warning. This is all a sign I will take to heart.
That whole trip was a big lesson for me. And I've learned well.
"- as long as you're with me, Maddie. I won't need anyone."
"Oh, Ana," Maddie hugs me. It's so warm and stuffy that I stiff up like a board. But I force my shoulder to drop again. It's just Maddie- it's safe.
My arms drop and hang loose around my shoulders. I wait for Maddie to let me go, but she doesn't. I don't think she plans to. I can only concede and lower my face into her shoulder.
Her warmth and her scent of soap relax me. I feel something let go then. Something I've kept tight and locked up, I shudder. My arms slowly inch to hold her. Maddie hugs me tighter.
"Wait-" I pull back when I hear them- footsteps. Someone is approaching. I push Maddie back to see it, none other than Aunt Funda. She carries the silver mail tray.
"Aunt Funda," I move to straighten up. I don't want her to see me upset, so I quickly throw on my familiar face- no smile as I wait for her.
Aunt Funda nodded with the tray, but something seemed to hang about her. She didn't seem to be in the best spirits at the moment. Even her face looked pinched for some reason.
I wonder why- I stop myself as I can make something out on the tray. The color makes me blink as I might be blurry-eyed. But it's still there. I see it.
Was that just blue-
"A letter from Dawny, your Empress." Aunt Funda announces with a vein throbbing on the side of her head. The woman sounds annoyed as she lowers the tray.
I take it up but don't believe what I am seeing. This can't be real. Despite the weight in my hand, I am in disbelief. I check both women to see if they see it too.
"This… Is it from Dawny?" I repeat as I feel a tremble through my hand.
Why would…
"Wonderful!" Maddie claps. She is suddenly bright and excited- only making me more lost.
Is this a good thing? I don't understand. I don't even feel my hands anymore. But then, the letter somehow gets turned, and I see it. Not just the blue wax and seal from Dawny- there is something more jaw-dropping.
"It's from Father," That's his handwriting. I only blink as I feel the wind get kicked out of me.
"Why would he…" but we never spoke? We never even crossed paths.
I take a sharp breath. This is not at all what I expected. I thought- I was told.
Why are you writing to me? I want an answer, but who can tell me? Aunt Funda can't. Maddie can't.
But why-
What if he found out about Nicoli? I shudder, and dread fills my chest. It feels like I'm breathing syrup.
What if he- if Nicoli told him? I swallow and feel myself underwater. What will happen?
The bear! I realize. I left the bear when I threw it-
Then this letter could be-
"Ahem," Aunt Funda clears her throat. Her eyes are glued to the envelope with not-so-hidden curiosity. Maddie is doing the same.
"Open it, your Empress." Maddie sweetens her voice. She seemed much more excited. But Maddie had to be the only one that optimistic. Aunt Funda seems to be in a different frame of mind.
"Empress Anastasia, please do." Aunt Funda agreed. Her voice was not sweet like Maddie's. Instead, it's cold and sharp- as she always is when she speaks.
"But-" I feel my heart pull. The letter suddenly feels so much heavier.
"Must I -" Can't it wait? Must I need to read it now- But I can not argue. I hear the familiar tap tap of her foot. Aunt Funda is growing cross with me.
"Correspondence from Dawny can be considered important for diplomatic reasons." Aunt Funda spoke in the formal tone I've learned to expect from her.
"As your uncle and I are only regents, we can not read your mail. It is your sole obligation to read them- as the Empress. This is your duty. Please read it."
Aunt Funda does not mince words. She means me to read it now. With her here to hear it.
Again I feel myself sink onto the ledge.
"My Duty?"
"Yes. It is." Aunt Fudna repeats with a look at the letter.
"You must read it."
"Yes…I…" I feel the words weigh me down. It's not just a matter of me receiving a letter- This is an obligation. As Empress, I must-
As Empress…
"I will uphold my duty then." I pull up the letter. It looks so innocent in my hands. But who knows what I will find inside?
What horrors might I read next?
"It is." Aunt Funda repeats.
"Very…well, then."
I slowly inch my fingers to attack the seal.