*Ana*
With all the trunks packed and the horses ready, my entourage and I are prepared to leave by dawn without delay. There is only one thing left to do. I must give my farewells. But I can't lie and say I find this the most challenging part.
I understand it is an official duty- a right due and expected from one ruler to another. But I can't help but feel myself struggle to mouth the words. Finally, I open my mouth only to feel myself shiver instead.
Whether that is from the icy air or from the one I stood before, I can only say today has been especially cruel. The wind doesn't seem to end. Each blow feels like a finger reaching through my skirts to claw at my legs.
I wince as I stand, but my mouth still lacks the words. I can only swallow as I try to build my resolve again.
Once my official duty is done, I can go. I have to remind myself. I have to- from one ruler to another. It is the proper way.
I must do this. I am Empress. I know. I know it well. So I force in another breath and pull my back up straight again.
"Thank you, Queen Belinda, for taking us in." I feel the words fall out and drop to the floor.
"Though short, the stay was pleasant." It sounds as hollow as it is. And she knows it. I can see her smile curve at the side. But she seems to play along. Just as well.
As we are not by ourselves this morning.
Everyone is watching. I glance over to the crowd below the platform. It is considerably smaller than those at my arrival, but people have still come.
The group is mixed with nobles and servants. Their faces are much somber and grey today. But everyone has dressed up again. I can see it from their clean skirts and furs. That would still be considered as putting on some ceremony in my honor.
Speaking of that, I hear the trumpets burst from below. It starts strong but flows into a soft serenade, almost sorrow felt as if they are sad to see me go.
I can't help but smile at their efforts for all who have come. Though small, it's ornate enough for me to feel it. What they did was genuine.
Inspired by their actions, I easily ignore the feelings inside- they want to scream and run to the carriage. But I can hold them off for now.
Just get through this, and you'll never see her again. It's a promise that calms my nerves.
But the promise is bittersweet. As after today- I won't. I won't see her or this place again.
This place I once thought of as my home just hours ago. Something that turned out to be very wrong. It seems like such a faraway thought now.
"I am glad to have you in our home, Empress Anastasia." Queen Belinda's voice was sweet. She moves to take both of my hands into hers. I cringe but force my face to stay still. I have to appear that there is nothing wrong.
Just stay calm. I remind myself that everyone is still watching us.
"Ah," I inhale as I feel her squeeze my hand. I look up to find her just smiling at me. She gives another short squeeze.
"Why-" I barely mouth under my breath as I see the tint of her smile make my heart sink. She is enjoying this- like a cat playing with a caught mouse.
Her sharp nails lightly scratch my thumb before she speaks.
"Please, come back to see us soon. You are most welcome in the Kingdom of Dawny. We are ALL glad to see you." Queen Belinda emphasizes the 'all' strongly.
"Ah," I cringe as I feel her squeeze tighter again. It makes my mouth run dry and my tongue dumb.
Why are you- I feel my eyes jutter over hers, but she's just smiling. It's like she doesn't know she's hurting me at all.
"Of course," I force out. And as if to give me one last parting gift, I feel her squeeze till I hear a pop before she lets go.
My hand- I pull my attacked limbs to my chest. They are throbbing with pain. I think she might have sprained something. It makes tears of pain come to my eyes before I lower my head into a curtsey.
As soon as my head is back up, I turn. The carriage is just ahead, and it couldn't be any farther. I feel my steps quicken- but I don't feel it. They are numb from the cold and fear.
But I must be rushing as I hear my heels click on the stone.
While I pass, I hear them. The crowd is speaking. People are bowing as I rush past.
"Farewell, Your Empress."
"We will miss you, Empress Anastasia," Others call.
My heart pulls at their voices. I want to stop and see them, but I can't bare this anymore. I want to be away. I want to be gone.
I will never return—another promise to myself as I meet the carriage. Finally, the doors open, and I rush into the cabin. Maddie is already seated and waiting.
"Ana," She nods her head before smiling softly. It's meant to be friendly, but I don't enjoy seeing it. I feel a flash of anger instead.
I should've never listened to you! Angry tears are in the corner of my eyes. They sting and blur my vision. They roar to be let loose. But I pull back. I won't cry.
Tears won't change anything. I know they don't. Because nothing can change this. I was a fool- I am the only one to blame.
I shouldn't have ever believed I would be welcomed here.
I'm unwanted wherever I go. The grave thought cools me as I hear the door close. I now must take a seat as I am now alone with Maddie.
Maddie is still smiling. Save her. She has no clue what I'm thinking. And she shouldn't. I don't want her to. Maddie didn't do anything wrong. None of this was her fault.
Maddie is a good person. She is to me. And she is to others. That's just her nature. She sees the best in people.
It's why she likes me. I conclude, as how no one else does. Maddie is the only person I have.
"Come sit, your Empress."Maddie pats the bench opposite her. I see the spot but climb to the opposite side because I want a little space- but not entirely.
My hand shoots out to take Maddies.
"Oh?" Maddie is shocked but doesn't pull away. I didn't think she would. But I'm still relieved she didn't.
I can't handle Maddie pushing me away on top of everything else that's happened.
Yes, Maddie stays with my hand holding hers. Her warm skin heats my cold skin from the outside. Her fingers move to lace through mine.
She gives a squeeze- so gentle and warm that I can't believe these same hands were in pain just before. They feel so safe and friendly now, like I will never feel that pain again.
I think this is the first time since arriving that I've felt this comfortable again.
Without Maddie, what would I do?
I get up to find the spot next to Maddie. I don't want space anymore. When I sit, I lean and rest my head on her shoulder. It also feels warm, like her hands on my cold cheek.
"Your Empress? Ana?" Maddie asks with concern. She must find this very odd of me. It is undoubtedly different. I'm not this touchy- not like her.
" Ana?" Maddie strokes my braid. I stiffen a little at the sensation of my hair being played with but ease down again. It feels like I have been holding my breath for a while now.
"Can we talk now? Somethings wrong? I can tell-"
"I'm going to sleep," I swat Maddie's hand off my braid to make her frown. But she let go just as quickly if she felt any way about it.
"Sleep well," Maddie could only voice, giving in for the moment.
"Here, let me make you comfortable."
I am shifted from her shoulder to the softer flesh of her chest. It's the warmest and smells strongly of the soap she uses. I feel my nerves lose with each whiff of her scent. It's so calming.
I listen to her heartbeat now- a study thump that moves calmly. It's low but hits her chest and my cheek with a soft thud.
The crack of the whip and knicker of the horses follows shortly overhead. Then, soon after, the carriage lurches forward. It's time to go.
On a last whim, I lift my head to the window. I want to see Dawny for the last time. The site will be a stain in my memory. This a reminder of why I can't return.
On the ground, I find my stepmother has already returned inside. Just a few servants and nobles remain to wave goodbyes with handkerchiefs. The gesture made pushed into that tiny hole in my chest.
I have to wonder if they really will miss me. I look past them and to the castle.
It's the window over the entrance that catches my attention. I know this window well. It's the same I watched as I left last time- the one I last saw Father turn away.
Who knew that would be the last time I would ever see him?
But this time, there is a surprise. The window is not empty. Someone is standing there.
The window looks so big compared to his slight frame. But his frame seems to loom just as high from my seat. He's looking down at us- his body is eerily stiff for being someone so young. It's only his blue eyes that seem to move. They seem to roam everywhere until they find me.
And when they do, I see a change. His eyes widened and stayed. He won't look away from me.
But he is not alone. I find myself unable to look away from him. We are transfixed on each other as we stare through glass walls- his window and my carriage.
He's afraid of me. The thought makes me shift first. The carriage is pulling away, and I feel my gaze pull from the window as we start to pick up speed. I watch his blue eyes disappear as we turn out of the gate.
"Ah," I feel my breath shake as I feel like I am holding my breath again. I might have. I felt like I couldn't move or break something.
But what's the point of that? I stiffen my back and turn my head away.
It doesn't matter. I am resigned to this fate. My dreams of having a family have been dashed. I won't have one.
Nor will I have a brother.
But it isn't such a loss. I didn't know what it was like to have one anyway. So I won't feel any less for not having one.
I don't need it. I won't. I never have and will.
I gently squeeze Maddie's hand to feel her fingers curl over mine. The warmth eases me, and I begin to feel nothing. That's good.
I can move from this as long as I have Maddie with me. I will be fine. I won't need a brother or a family.
I won't need anyone else. Ever. So I will never be this foolish again.
I won't make this same mistake.
I close my eyes and clamp down my teeth to keep my face still. I want to try and act asleep to be like a trick. And it works, mainly. Save for the few tears I have to wipe away from my cheek.
"What happened, honey?" Maddie has my hand, and I feel a kiss. Her lips are soft and warm. Everything about her is.
I didn't realize that I missed feeling warm like this. Funny, I think it might be hard for me to come by. Maybe more so than most.
That's why I need to treasure what I can.
Maddie is too good for me. I must take good care of her.
I wipe my cheek a few more times before the exhaustion does hit me. Staying up so late has finally proven to help me. Eventually, I drift off into sleep without another fight.
*Nicoli*
As the carriage pulled away, Nicoli remained at the window. His eyes focused on the shrinking procession until it was swallowed on the horizon.
Nicoli lingered even after. His stance was uncharacteristically quiet and severe.
She's gone. Nicoli pressed his hand to the glass. The smooth texture felt frozen to the touch. Outside, the air was getting even colder. Winter was well on its way.
A maid turned from one of the rooms to water a rose vase. She nearly cried out of fear at catching sight of the prince.
"Prince Nicoli?" The maid called the boy.
"What are you doing out here? You're supposed to be resting." The maid knew.
"The queen had made strict orders. You have a fever and need rest."
"So don't be all standing in the hall like some statue."
"Your majesty-oh," Nicoli turned to look up at the maid. He gave her a beautiful smile that could melt any woman's heart.
"Good morning, Doxy" Nicoli looked up at her with large blue eyes. The maid blushed.
"How cute you are," The maid gushed. She moved to pull a sweet from her pocket, but Nicoli just shook his head 'no.'
"Ah," Doxy frowned slightly, but her spirit quickly picked up as she noticed he was holding something.
"What a cute little bear you have, your majesty." Doxy kneeled to meet his eyes.
Nicoli blushed and nodded before holding the bear to his chest. Doxy could see how protective yet proud the boy was of it.
"I don't think I've seen this little Mister before. So the queen gave it to you?" Doxy asked, and Nicoli shook his head.
"Oh, then the king?" Doxy saw the boy again shake his head. The maid lifted her brows.
"Then who?"
"I met a fairy last night."Nicoli leaned in to whisper. Doxy laughed but leaned in with interest.
"She gave this to me." Nicoli went on.
"Oh, is that right?" Doxy played on.
Nicoli nodded before pressing a finger to her lips.
"But don't tell anyone because it's a secret." Nicoli whispered.
"Of course, your majesty." Doxy whispered. She had to keep from laughing.
"Then pinky swear." Nicoli looked at her gravely. Doxy struggled not to laugh. She moved to bend her finger around, and they shook on it.
"Alright, your majesty. Now, let's get you back to bed. '' Doxy stood. She held out her hand, and Nicoli took it obediently. Doxy could feel herself glow on the inside. It was so sweet to include her in his little games.
Doxy already forgot about the bear. It was not something noteworthy enough to bring up with the queen, anyway, she knew.
As the two left the window for his room, Nicoli stole one last look over his shoulder. His eyes looked out longingly toward where the carriage went. He squeezed the bear closer to his chest.