*Ana*
After my stepmother leaves, I don't move from the table. My mind is blank as I feel the events linger. I'm trying to make sense of things, but it doesn't stay still enough. It keeps rolling around in my head.
I can still feel her kick under the table- her phantom nails grating over my skin. But the final blow was to hear that I won't see my brother or father. He doesn't want to see me.
She could say all of this without losing her smile.
"It can't be…." My voice comes too late. No one is here to hear me. I have no one to listen to me.
I'm not sure it could change anything, though. Even if I had spoken up then, what could I say? What could I prove? Did I have anything to counter her with? That I was safe? That Father wanted me? But then why wasn't he here? Was it really true that he had to leave? Or was that an excuse?
What proof do I have? Did I have evidence that it wasn't true?
Nothing. This is the quickest answer that comes to mind. I have nothing. What I have is a single letter from four years of silence. A letter that I wrote first with demands to rekindle relationships and see my brother.
I was the one to ask this. Not him. Nothing from his side could say it wasn't all my doing.
I have nothing.
"How childish," I whisper to myself and clasp my hands. I feel the wind knock out of me, leaving me weak and numb.
So I sit as the sky darkens and the air grows colder- my teeth chatter as I sit for who knows how long. It isn't until the maids come up that I break from my stupor.
"Empress Anastasia," Two maids greet me. They stop with the cart meant to clear the table. Each smiled at me sweetly, like earlier when I first went there.
It was not that long ago that I was greeted with smiles and cheers- for a moment, I thought it was true. I thought I was welcome.
I am wrong.
The maids keep on their smiles. But it goes nowhere- they will not move me. Not anymore. I am not the same girl I was when I first stepped out of the carriage. My eyes are open thanks to my stepmother's words.
Words that will scar me forever.
Why did I come here? I feel the question linger in my head. What did I think I could find here? I look for an answer in the cold cup.
"Did something happen?" My ears pick up at their whispers. They blink after me curiously.
"Empress? Are you feeling unwell?" The elder asks.
"Yes." My voice comes out. I don't even feel my lips move. I didn't know I still had a voice to speak. I just stare into the cup of black water.
"Oh, alright." The maid mutters, but they shrug after a moment. They expect me to speak, but I stay put. Eventually, they started to clean up around me. They pull back the plates, the cups, and the tiers of sweets back to the cart.
I watch them move in silence. They seem so busy yet still stop to give me a nod or a smile. It's meant to be encouraging but falls flat as I continue to stare.
"Your Empress, may I?" The younger maid motions. Somehow I managed to nod for her to go ahead. She moves the cup back to the tray. I now stare at the empty spot the cup once filled.
I'm cold.
I feel a breeze slip over us. The maids cry and pull up their jackets-they are dressed warmly in thick layers- they look much warmer than me.
Inside, I feel a pin between my chest. It feels like a hole is there. I move to touch it but feel nothing. It's just in my head. But it hurts and feels as dark as the night sky over us.
It's grown darker. My thoughts are slow, like molasses. How long have I been here? How long should I stay?
Why does it feel like days have passed in what must have been just half an hour, maybe a little more? We only just sat down to tea- that wasn't so long ago, was it? Surely not? I remember getting here. I remember Maddie unpacking my things and how eager I was to leave. How I didn't want to make, my stepmother wait.
It all seems so far away now.
I...should go. I begin to stir. My legs and feet are frozen, and the metal chair cuts into me. How long was I sitting here?
Slowly, as if I'm redefining my muscles, connecting the tissue to bone, and then growing on skin-I feel steady enough to rise and leave the table.
"Good evening, Empress Anastasia." The maids farewell. I see them over my shoulder to find smiles on their faces. But why are they smiling? I don't understand anymore. I can't see any reason to smile.
I mindlessly press forward and pull the shawls closer. But the chill has gotten inside- I am ice. And my numb fingers pierce holes into the fabric because the shawl can't give anymore. The tearing sound fills my ears.
But I'm almost inside. Soon I will be back where it is warm. And I will be back in my rooms- I am almost there.
My head lifts high as I feel the steps underneath me. I'm climbing as my teeth chatter. They chatter so loud that it's a wonder they don't break off. I never knew I could feel this cold.
I press the small of my chest. It hurts. The hole that isn't there is growing.
The maid waiting inside smiles and turns without a word. There is no one else in the hall, but I don't dare show how I feel. Each step feels like walking through cold water, but I manage.
I just lift my head higher.
Maddie is still unpacking when I open the door. On cue, she turns to smile at me.
" Ana, how was the- what's wrong?" Maddie stops dead when she sees me. I don't respond.
I walk through the molasses before I throw myself face-first into the bed. Short choppy gasps shake through my bed before the tears come. Big thick, hot tears roll down my cheeks and face before I shove my face into the pillow.
"Why did I think it'd be any better? Why did I hope for more-" I whimper.
"So stupid!"
"Ana, what happened?" Maddie is at my side. Her hands rub my back, but it hurts. Everything hurts. I shrink away from her warmth. I don't want it.
"Sweet Ana? What is wrong?" Maddie brushes my hair from my face.
"Why are you crying like this?"
"I've never seen you cry like this before." Maddie's face scrunches in concern.
"Tell me what happened?"
"Maddie," I hiccup, lifting my head. I open my mouth to speak- to explain. But it hurts. Everything hurts.
"I should have never come." I throw my head back into the pillow and scream painfully.
After crying for so long, I feel a strange sense of ease. Like I've washed away everything and now am clean like a white apron. It is neither good nor bad, but it is a change nonetheless.
The change gives me the chance to look at myself. I see the trunks half unpacked. Maddie hasn't finished. And Maddie is standing by. Her face is contorted with worry.
She's been waiting for me to calm down. She looks like she wants to talk that she wants to find out why was crying.
But I don't think I can. My head hurts, and my throat is sore. I can only swallow a thick chunk in my throat. My hand curls around the sharp box still in my pocket.
I'm never going to give this to him. The thought is back. He will never see how much work I put in- the carefully crafted surprise. It was all for nothing- a waste.
Just like coming here was. This was all a waste. I came here thinking I could find something that didn't exist.
No one wants me here.
Little fool. I have only myself to blame.
We should leave. It's time to think logically. Stepmother made it quite clear. I have no point in staying.
It was my mistake. That's all this is.
I can only learn from it.
Yes, learn and never repeat. Wise words I once read from one of my books. The phrase gives me a calm sense of being.
Leaving would be for the best. There is nothing else for it. My mind is clear now. Logic can save me.
I ignore that hollow feeling in my chest as I make it to stand.
"Ana?" Maddie is quick to react. Her warm hands reached to pull me in. I'm tempted to let her. I miss her warmth.
But I throw up my hand- I know if I fall for it, I will just cry again. I have to stop acting like this. It's unsightly.
"Go prepare the carriages. We're leaving." Ana spoke evenly despite the tear-stained cheeks. Maddie opened her mouth to stare.
"LEAVE!?" Maddie chokes with her mouth open. She stares at me as if I've grown an extra head.
"No way we're leaving. We only just got here." Maddie refuses, waving her hands across the room. She points to my trunks.
"I've almost finished unpacking."
"Leave, you say? What about the king?" Maddie is in disbelief and searches my face.
"Just a moment ago, you were smiling and giddy. You even refused to change, being eager to see the queen. But now-"
Maddie takes my hand, and I wince. Her temperature is so warm it almost burns against my icy cold skin.
"Why are your hands so-" She falls off as she can see I won't answer. Instead, she starts to warm them. I wince again. Her hands are too hot and chafe my skin.
"Maddie, stop." I pull away. It makes Maddie's face drop, but I can't do anything about that. I don't know how.
But Maddie doesn't give up. She looks back up at me. Her brown eyes are filled with hope.
"What about your brother? You have yet to even meet Prince Nicoli." Maddie insists and reaches back. This time I didn't pull away. I just look down at them.
The rubbing makes my hands warmer. But just on the surface. Inside, I am frozen.
"The carriage, Maddie." I withdraw my hand.
"Ana-" Maddie drops, but I have to snap.
"Do as I say, Maddie." I raise my voice before I have to turn my head. Tears are coming back, but I don't want to cry. I've done enough of that today.
I need to be more mature. I am Empress- Empresses don't cry. The thought steels my spine.
"Please," Maddie frowns, watching me. But I swallow.
"Empress Anastasia," Maddie speaks formally, putting her hands on my knees. The touch surprised me, and I flinched. Again, her hands feel too warm right now.
"Your dress…it's so cold," Maddie murmurs with a look of guilt. Quietly she speaks under her breath.
"I should have just forced you to wear the dress." But I only smile sadly.
I know it wouldn't have fixed anything. If I wore the dress, I would still feel this cold. Ice is forming inside me. The source is in the middle of my chest.
"Maddie, please get up."
"At least let the horses rest. They are still worn out from the journey." Maddie voices softly and reaches over for a blanket. She wraps over my shoulders. Her eyes pause at the holes in the shawls. But she makes no word.
Maddie pushes a loose hair from my eye to tuck behind an ear.
"We should wait for the horses to have some hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be better, yeah?" Maddie smiles. It's that warm smile I so very much wanted, and I feel something inside shake.
No, I must stay strong. I can't give in. But the idea strikes me. The horses- they should have rest. They don't need to be in this cold. They are just poor animals.
It's for their sake that I'm willing to adjust.
"We leave as soon as dawn breaks," I redirect. But Maddie looks like she is about to cry with relief.
"Oh, thank you, Ana- thank you!" She leans in to press her lips on my forehead. I jolted back at the gesture. My hand is wrapped around the spot.
"Maddie?" I am in shock. Did she just kiss me?
"Maddie, that's-" not allowed. But instead of speaking, I feel my cheeks warm. Is it from the kiss? Did she infect me with warmth?
I rub at the spot as Maddie gets up. Her warm hands go to ruffle my hair.
"I'll start packing up everything." Her voice is cheerful again. Long gone is the worry that etched lines on her face. She is back and chipper, with her cheeks pink and rosy.
"Again." She sighs with a dramatic eye roll. She makes a bigger show of throwing her hands on her hips and shaking her head.
"All this- ah,"
"Maddie," I snorted at her despite myself. But Maddie seems to have a way of doing that- she can easily pull that kind of thing out of me. She's good.
Maddie hums as she turns to go back to the trunks. Her hands start pushing dresses back in as she nods her head along to the mysterious song. The song is so cheery and upbeat that I feel something lift in the room.
The mood is now better, and I'm grateful.
"Thank you," I mean it.
Maddie nods before reaching over with her long arms to pat my head.
"Please rest, your Empress." Maddie stands.
"I'll take care of telling the coachman."
"We leave at Dawn." Maddie throws a fist into the air. She smiles down at me. I can feel her smile move something inside again.
"Yes, Dawn."
With Maddie gone, I throw myself back on the bed. My poor head is throbbing, and my throat burns. I feel so worn out that crying is not easy. I barely have the energy to stare up at the white canopy that hangs over me.
In a moment of weakness, I decided to close my eyes. I don't want to sleep. I just want to be comfortable. Ana closed her eyes and turned to her side, exhausted.
"Ah!" I feel a jab on my thigh as I turn on my side. It's the box.
Stupid thing. I suddenly feel a vulgar taste in my mouth. It spurs me to sit up.
I'll just throw it away. I reach to pull it out of my pocket and raise it over my head. My eyes pick a spot to chuck it- nice and far from the room.
"Good riddance," I decree, and I prepare to throw. But just before I do, I catch the blue bow. It tangles and twirls with the little handwritten tag on the end. It shows my handwriting and the small note I made.
"For My Little Brother. Please love this as much as I will love you."
My arm weakens as I read it. It suddenly seems wrong to just throw it. If not for me, for the effort I invested. I can't bring myself to throw it away as if it were nothing.
Unable to, I take it back. It rests in my lap, and I work out the knot. The ribbon slides off as I prop open the lid.
The small stuffed bear sits neatly in my hand. It looks enormous compared to the size of my palm, but it should be smaller than anyone else's. Its large black glass eyes looked up at me. My finger trails over the small half-moons of its ears.
The toy mixes my feelings- I remember my excitement when I commissioned it. How long it took to pick out the right shade of fur- how big the eyes would be. Everything was chosen based on my design. I was so happy.
Even the silk blue bow was not incidental. I went through so many shades to find the right tone. I based it on Father's eyes. Maddie said he had the same color, so I thought that would work.
It would have been perfect. It's such a handsome bear. And I hoped he would think the same.
But this won't happen.
All the work was for nothing. He would never see my gift.
I can feel the urge to cry again, but I'm just too tired. It's easier just to close my eyes and fall back on the bed. I pull the bear close over my heart and press down. The sensation of pressure feels good on that spot.
I feel myself drift from exhaustion until everything grows dark again.
*Nicoli*
While Ana slept, a small hand pushed aside the wall tapestry. When it shifted, a hidden door was revealed. It was open with the key still in the lock. Beyond the door was a dark hallway.
The boy had only just arrived to see her asleep. His blue eyes observed her silver hair sprawled over the pillows. She seemed to be in a deep sleep.
"Did you go to sleep?" Nicoli frowned. He had wanted to talk to her.
"I even went out of my way to steal the key and wait for Thomas (his manservant) to look the other way so I could escape."
But it looks like it was all for nothing.
"I'll just try again later," Nicoli whispered, disheartened, turning back. He took one last look at the sleeping girl before going back through the door. He decided to leave it unlocked.
Nicoli dropped down the tapestry on his way back. It flattened perfectly back in place to hide them. The curly-haired boy picked up his lantern and traveled back whence he came.