I wonder if something was wrong with me...
It was all started when I was in middle school. I'd started to dream about being in love and in a relationship where I can felt all the rollercoaster feelings.
Excitement...
Happiness...
Enjoyment...
and even, Sadness...
I used to dream that I have a man that I can call mine and only mine. He will give me all of him and I'll give him all of me, we will share our love until we grow old and until death does us apart.
I even listed all things I want to do with that man when I was in middle schools, like taking pictures of wherever the waves of life brought us, going to the concert of Avril Lavigne—my all-time favorite singer, walking together with our arm linked—or holding hands will do, watching movies in his house while eating a lot of popcorn, drinking in top of the mountains while looking upon the stars... kiss and even have sex and got married.
I had the opportunity for all my dreams to came true after a guy from our class confessed to me and asked me for a date.
I'd just watched him bowed in front of me, handing me his love letter...
I maybe sound rude, but at that time all I ever felt was a disappointment. My heartbeat won't run fast unlike what I expected, there was no excitement nor the feeling of embarrassment because someone just asked me out of nowhere...there was no nervousness that occurred within me... I felt no heat in my face—even on my cheek...
In other words, I felt disappointed because this was not what I expected to felt...
My colorful view of being in love and a relationship suddenly faded, and the idea of love became too boring for me... Was it because of maturity?... No, it's not.
All I'd did is to dream about love and was disappointed with it in the end...
"Sorry... I never thought of something like this before... I'm afraid that I'm not ready for this kind of stuff"
In the end, I rejected him. I'd just trying to make excuses to keep myself away from guiltiness, things that still run inside my head...Could I label myself as a liar?... No, that's not it.
That's because I made those lies into reality...
I made myself believe that the idea of love is not for me, it's not my fault, there was nothing wrong with it. It's just... normal.
It's normal and boring...
❀
"I like you, please go out with me..."
"Really? it's the fifth confession this year, are you serious?" My friend Rena blurted out in front of me after she heard the news.
I have confessed again and this time it was from my senior in arts and crafts. Honestly, he was a nice person with a good-looking face and came from a rich family, he was a good senior to me but, all I felt after he confessed to me was... nothingness, just like the past guys who confessed to me and disappeared after I'd rejected them.
They are only kind to me because they like me after I'd rejected their confession they always asked me various questions and became mad at me.
If you don't like me, why are you like that the other day?... If you don't like me why did you keep my hopes high?... If you didn't like me why are you so kind to me compared to the other guy?
...In the end, they just blaming me for their delusions
"You don't have to be that loud, Rena... I'm just still not ready for any commitment"
I can't blame Rena, even though she was my best friend and we were always together in the same class every year, I haven't told her that I can't fall in love.
Rena was a good and kind person, she always had a passion for all she does and that's what I'd like about her. Thanks to her golden-brown hair that reaches her waist, porcelain skin, and her pinkish lips, her appearance resembled the main character in a certain children's book "Beauty and the Beast" which is why many guys admired her. She was even always on top of our student ranking for being on top of all exams and she was the secretary of the student council.
I'm so envious...
I'm not that special like Rena, I was just a normal person with a boring personality, but even though I was like that Rena still approached me and befriend me.
"You kept saying that you're not ready every time someone confessed to you" she pouted.
"You really want me to have a boyfriend, don't you? You should just give up and let me be" I took out my lunchbox and started to eat, I saw at the side of my eyes, our classmates also eating their lunch and the other was having fun.
"If you continue being like that you will grow old, Rikka...Your beauty will be a waste if you don't use it"
I'd didn't replied. It was not because I don't want to, it was because I don't know what to say. It's true, just thinking that I'll grow old alone was terrified me, I don't want to be alone but I don't know If I want someone to be with.
Here I am again... making excuses just to satisfy myself...
"So what is the student council's plan?...about the school festival, and also don't you have a date with the student council's president that day?" tried to change our conversation.
"Yeah, Julius said that we can look on every stall after we finished our duty, a good thing that our duty was scheduled in the morning so we have free time in the afternoon"
Students council president—Julius, he and Rena was quite similar. He was appointed as the student council president when he was in his first year of high school. They look great together, it was not I envy them... I was just telling the truth.
Once my high school ends, what will happen to me? I thought. Back to my daily routine every summer, reading novels, eating foods, and lying on my bed all day.
"Now I remember, there was a new cafe near the school, want to go later after school? I heard that their shortcakes were so delic— " Rena wasn't finished her word after our homeroom teacher came in.
"Clean your mess and get back to your seat, our class was about to start" our teacher announced as he put her teaching stuff on the vacant table. " But before that, I would like to introduce to you your new classmate" she added.
The noise started to rose inside our class, some of our classmates were confused why we'll have a new classmate since the class already started two months ago, and some of them were excited, most of them are boys hoping a beautiful girl will enter our class. And just like what they expected, a beautiful girl entered our class.
Snow White...
The first thing that came up to my mind. She has long hair as black as ebony reaches her back, lips as red as blood, and skin white as snow, she also has long eyelashes paired with her brown eyes.
"Hello, I'm Vanessa..." simple but elegantly introduced herself. Our teacher exclaimed that Vanessa was a transfer student from the other town's school. Due to some problems, she was sent here as a transfer student.
So she was forced to transfer here from her former school, if that problem was a minor, she wouldn't have to transfer to a different school, so I guess she made a major problem at her old school.
"You can seat on the vacant chair next to Ms. Rikka" Vanessa started to walked towards me as the teacher addressed her. Meanwhile, in front of my seat, Rena was staring at her as she walked to her designated seat.
"She's beautiful isn't it?" Rena whispered but I'd didn't answered her. Rena still stared at Vanessa as if there was a celebrity in front of her.
After Vanessa take her seat, the class began, and the noises from our classmate little by little faded as the lesson pulled our attention out of our new classmate.
After hours of studying, we had a fifteen minutes study break. Students are allowed to replenish their minds by relaxing in their seats, buying foods in the cafeteria, go to the restroom, etc.
Some of my classmates started to flock like birds in the seat of our new classmate—Vanessa, asking and talking to her about her hobby and past school.
"They are quite lively, right?" Rena sat sideways on her chair just to face me, her face looks like she wants to join too on our classmates surrounding Vanessa.
"Yeah, but they are starting to be annoying" That was true, do they even notice that I was here trying to find my peace after a heavy lesson, and then there they were flocking on my right side, they even pushed me away.
"My... don't mind it, it wouldn't last long..."
I wondered why, but all I'd heard was voices from my classmates and wasn't even heard Vanessa spoke once to replied to my classmates. But it was none of my business.
The noises stopped after Vanessa stood up from her seat, our classmates looking at her confused, even I—myself watching her from the side of my eye. "Don't talk to me..." she said monotonously.
...Arrogant
The huge crowd of students surrounding her turned thin until the only one left is she—herself. Some of our classmates felt bad thinking they've offended her by their questions or anything and some changed their view of her from a beautiful girl into an arrogant lady, they're even muttering as they walked away from Vanessa's seat.
Vanessa didn't particularly mind what our classmates muttered, she just took a small book out of her bag and read it.
She wasn't like the other student that I've met before... still I can't bring myself to befriend her with that arrogant attitude of her.