I'm lying on my bed, surfing the net and finishing up my second slice of pizza. I find myself wondering what my dad is up to. I haven't been picking his calls, and it's supposed to hurt just him, but it's hurting me too.
Before I realise what I'm doing, I'm face timing my dad. Something inside me badly wants to end the call before it even begins, but I want to hear his voice, so badly.
Thankfully, and for his sake, he picks up immediately.
"Princess." He says, looking relieved, and tired. "Thank goodness you called. I've been trying to get a hold of you."
"No one's stopping you from flying to New York right now." I set my lips in a straight line.
He sighs. "I know you're upset with me and I'm so sorry, Princess. But you have to understand that–"
"That you have to be at the hospital because you have patients all day? I've heard that one countless times, dad."
He sighs again, rubbing at his eyes. He looks so...worn out, like he hasn't slept in days.
"That's not it. My wife...Diane is three months pregnant."
Oh? I don't even know what I feel right now. Happiness because I'm going to have a sibling, even if it's not from my mother. Sadness that he can't just take one weekend off to see me,I mean, it's not like pregnant women can't handle themselves. Or anger that someone else is going to take all the attention away from me. Infact, he/she already is.
I decide to go with option two.
"So you can't just spend one weekend away? Just how needy is she?"
"She's not needy, Aubrey,"he says a bit harshly before he sighs again, "I'm sorry. She's sick and I just can't stand to be away from her."
Oh. I feel like a total jerk, but I'm not going to admit it. "You could've just said that instead of lying to me for months."
"I didn't know how to tell you. I mean, you're not exactly her biggest fan."
As if I have a reason to like her.
"I'm not a monster, dad," I purse my lips, "so, how's the baby?"
He smiles slightly, probably relieved that I'm not being extra bitchy today.
"Healthy. The baby's okay." We stare at each other in uncomfortable silence. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something, then closes it, and opens it again.
"How's your mother?" He asks softly.
My parents never talk to each other unless it's about me, and their conversations are always so formal, but my dad has never asked me how she's doing, though I can tell he has always wanted to.
For some reason, I feel like he thinks that she's miserable, and I feel the sudden need to defend her.
"She's happy, dad. She met someone." I reply.
His eyebrows go up in surprise. "Oh, well, that's... that's good to hear."
I nod, because I have nothing to say to that.
Dad looks straight at me, then asks, "How do you feel about coming to see me instead?"
I gape at him, shocked that he'd even think to ask me that. Why would I want to be in the home of the same woman who tore my family apart?
"I don't think that's a good idea." I say.
"Why not? I miss you, and I want you here. I'm sure Diane would love that too."
"Yeah." I say dryly, "God forbid she stops her husband from seeing his daughter."
"Aubrey..." He starts.
"I'm not coming, dad. I can't do that to mom."
I hear someone's muffled voice and dad looks away from me to pay attention to whoever it is.
"Of course. Give me a minute." He says to the person and looks back at me. Before he says anything, I speak up. "I know, I know, you're busy. You don't have to apologise."
He sighs again. "Just think about what I said, alright? I love you."
Tears sting behind my eyelids. I love you too. I can't remember the last time I told him I love him.
"Bye dad." I choke out, ending the call. I fight the urge to cry as I shut down my laptop.
I hate myself for giving him such a hard time but it's hard to just forgive him for what he did. It's hard to forget those nights that I would hear mom cry and then have to pretend that I didn't hear anything.
He hurt me, and worst of all, he hurt my mother. Dad broke her and she's just now beginning to pick the pieces back up.
Maybe, being in love is a terrible thing. It didn't work out for my parents, and it's not working out for me. I mean, what's worse than unrequited love?
But maybe, it's for the best. What if Zack breaks me, like dad broke mom? And that's bound to happen if we decide to explore our feelings for each other. Suddenly, I see where Zack is coming from. I'll be ruined if something happened and if I'd never be able to see or talk to him again.
And I realise that that is worse than unrequited love. Losing my best friend.
And like he knew I was just thinking about him, I hear tapping sounds on my window. Zack slides my window open and enters my room so smoothly.
I cross my arms over my chest, standing and walking towards him.
"Before you say anything, I know you've been avoiding me."
Crap. Should've known that I can't get anything past him.
"Zack, I..." I search for words in my mind.
"It's okay," he smiles "you don't have to explain. I get it. You needed space to figure things out."
I decide to change the topic. "I talked to my dad tonight."
He quirks a brow, jaw clenching, annoyed that I'm avoiding the conversation, then sighs, walking to my desk. "Oh, did you?"
"Yeah. He wants me to go see him in Florida."
"You're not going." He snaps quickly. Too quickly. I wasn't planning on going, but I don't get the sudden caveman attitude.
"What do you mean?" I ask him and he turns to glare at me.
"Just that, Aubrey. I don't want you to go."
"You don't get to decide what I do, Zack. You're not in charge of me. And last I checked, I have a dad, and it's not you." I say, scowling at him.
He sighs, running his hand through his already messy hair. "Fuck. I'm not trying to be controlling, you know that. I just don't want you to go."
"He's my father. I haven't seen him in months and I'll go if I want to. I don't need your permission to do that."
He storms towards me stopping a few inches away. "He hurt you, Aubrey. He broke your family. Why would you even want to make things right?"
I know I'm going to regret what I'm about to say but I say it anyway. "Because I'm not like you, Zack. I'm not an angry child. I don't throw away every opportunity to fix my relationship with my parents, and just let that anger grow inside me."
Zack's expression is unreadable, and that's when I know that I just crossed the line. I pinch my eyes shut. Zack may not have a relationship with his parents, and may get angry with everyone around him sometimes, but his anger doesn't control him. He doesn't let it.
When I open my eyes, Zack is glaring daggers into me. I might as well be six feet under. I know this look, it's never been directed at me but I know that his next words are going to hurt.
"You're right. You're nothing like me." He spits. "You forgive easily. But that doesn't make you any better than me, Aubrey. You're weak. That's just it. You're a pussy. Always running away from–"
I raise my hand to slap him, but he catches my wrist just before it reaches his face. "How dare you say that to me?" My voice is a harsh whisper. "Forgiving people easily doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're willing to move past whatever the problem is, even if you're not supposed to. It means that you love them, and you always will, even if they don't feel the same way about–"
Zack's hands are suddenly on me, backing me up against the wall as his lips collide with mine.
The kiss is fueled by anger, which slowly dissolves into raw passion as the tip of his tongue touches mine.
How did we get from talking about my father, to arguing about how easily I forgive, to letting him know how I feel about him, to this?
I wasn't supposed to let him know. I wasn't supposed to fall for him all over again, I wasn't supposed to put our friendship at risk.
I can't even worry about that right now, because Zack is kissing me! And I'm responding for the first time. He uses a hand to lift me up and I wrap my legs around him as I start to feel hot all over.
I moan as he deepens the kiss even more, grinding his lower half into mine. I know sooner or later we'd have to come up for air, but I just can't bring myself to detach my lips from his.
"You have to let yourself get angry sometimes, Aubrey." He mutters as he moves his lips, trailing kisses down my jaw to my neck. "People will take you for granted if you don't." I tug at his hair, groaning as he sucks that spot on my collarbone. I feel it in my core.
Zack's hands begin to trail up my legs, my thighs and I blush when I remember that I'm just wearing a t-shirt and underwear. It's when his hand goes between my thighs that it hits me.
"Zack, stop." I try to sound firm but my voice comes out as a moan.
"Stop." I say louder and his attack comes to an abrupt halt. He lets me down, backing away from me and running his hand through his hair. "What?"
"I...I can't, Zack."
He furrows his brows, confused. "You can't what?"
"What does this mean?" I ask, gesturing between the two of us. I need to know why he kissed me, and what the future holds for us.
"I don't know, I just..."he shoves his hands into his pocket, "I've wanted to do that since that day in my room."
"I don't want to be just one of your conquests, Zack."
He has the nerve to actually look hurt. "If that's what you think of me, then you don't know me at all, Aubrey."
Well, maybe I don't.
"I just want to know what this means for us. I want to know why you decided to risk our friendship after what you told me a few days ago."
I don't know many couples who remain friends after a break up, for example, my ex-boyfriends, and Zack's flings.
"I don't know why I did that, but I do know that we can't be just friends, Aubrey. I'm sorry I didn't let you know that I wanted you, that I always have wanted to be more than friends. I was scared that I'd lose you if it didn't work out. And losing you is the thing I'm scared of the most. Well, except spiders." He says, eyes glittering. But I don't laugh. I can't laugh, because losing Zack is nothing to laugh about.
"We can't, Zack. You just said it all. If we do this, we'll never be able to go back to normal."
"Is this what normal is? Kissing your best friend and letting him know that you want him? We'll never be normal, Aubrey."
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I became attracted to you, Zack. I'm so sorry. And I'm even more sorry that for some reason, you think you're attracted to me too. It won't work, just like it never did with my parents even after all that they went through together. It just... can't happen. And, considering your reputation, this will all be over after a week. You'll toss me away like a piece of shit after you're done with me. And what then?"
My tears are starting to drop now as Zack's jaw clenches.
"If I can't have you the way I want, then we can't be friends anymore."
"What about what I want?" I can't believe he wants to end our friendship over nothing. And I know that I have an option to save it, but I won't let him make me choose.
His expression becomes unreadable again. "I really don't care what you want."
What? "So what's it gonna be?" He continues.
I keep gaping at him, trying to search for the real Zack Norway. I don't know who this inconsiderate bastard is. When I don't say anything, he mutters "thought so." And then he's going back out the window.
Crap. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.