Today is Sunday and all I've really done is eat a pint of ice cream in my pajamas, in the hopes of forgetting everything that happened last night.
But the truth is, last night is all that has been on my mind ever since I walked away from Zack. And the guilt has been eating me up.
It's one thing to sleep with your best friend's enemy, but to throw it in the person's face, in Zack's face makes me feel like the most horrible person alive.
I know I can't justify what I did, and I'm not even pissed that he lied to me about staying in a motel, but he pushed me too far. I blink back tears as I remember the way she looked at him, and the way he looked at her.
He wanted her.
And it still hurt that when the going got tough, he ran to her.
She was his first choice. He ran to her to get away from me.
"Oh, come on, Aubrey. You need to get out." Erika says for the tenth time, pulling on my hand.
"I told you I don't want to go anywhere. I don't feel like it."
She pulls the covers away from me. What was mum thinking letting two obnoxious teenagers in the house?
And how did they get my room key?
"Good thing your opinion doesn't matter then. Any luck finding something that doesn't make her look like garbage, Pey?"
Peyton emerges from my closet, shrugging. She holds out a pair of jeans and a crop top. "Yeah, these will do. Where the hell did you hide your good clothes, Aubrey?"
"I don't know." I heave a sigh, "I didn't hide them. My closet's just as depressed as I am."
Cue the eye rolling and groaning.
Peyton sits on my bed. "You're not depressed. You just need some girl time. And since you don't want to tell us about what happened, we want to make sure you forget everything, at least for a little while."
Erika nods. "Plus, we can't just waste these precious movie tickets. It will be worth it, I promise." She adds when I roll my eyes.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I really don't want to go anywhere, but Peyton has a point. I desperately need to forget, even if it's just for a second.
"Okay, I'll go clean up." I pick up the clothes from the bed. "Just don't open the curtains, please."
____________
Going out was a bad idea.
A very bad idea.
Because I couldn't stop thinking about what I've done, and how I can fix it.
And Erika and Peyton must have noticed, because we weren't even halfway into the movie before I was pulled out of the theatre.
"So much for not wasting precious movie tickets." Erika mutters as we get in her car.
"Okay," Peyton puffs out a breath. "Obviously, our plan didn't work, so that leaves only one option."
They both turn around to pin me with their stares.
"You ready to tell us what happened, Aubrey?
"I don't..."
"Remember when we promised to tell each other everything?" Erika cuts me off, opening the door, and gets in the back so she's sitting beside me. "We're your bestfriends, Aubrey, and we can't stand seeing you like this. We can't act like everything's okay when it's not. When you're obviously not okay."
I try to stare back at her, but I can't, because she looks exactly like Eric, and her eyes will make me feel even guiltier.
"I told him." I choke out.
"Told him what?" Peyton asks.
"That I slept with Eric." Erika squeezes my hand reassuringly. "I didn't mean to throw it in his face like that, I was just so upset because he didn't tell me the truth about Audrey, and I don't think he was planning to."
Erika and Peyton exchange confused glances. "What do you mean, the truth about Audrey?" Erika asks.
"He slept with her, and he lied to me about where he'd been last week. I saw the way he looked at her when he was talking to her, like he's... Oh God, I'm so stupid." I bury my head in my hands.
I'm aware that I have no right to be upset about him sleeping with her, because I slept with Eric, but he should've rejected me when I said I was ready to give us a try.
He shouldn't have let me kiss him, and he shouldn't have kissed me back.
He shouldn't have even shown up in my room in the middle of the night.
"What makes you think he slept with her?" Peyton's voice is barely a whisper, but I'm able to pick what she says.
"He spent an entire week at her house. What else was supposed to happen?"
"Did he confess to sleeping with her?" Erika asks and I shake my head.
"No, but I overheard Audrey say it. He didn't have to confirm it."
It would have shattered me completely.
Well, how do you think he felt after you told him about Eric?
"You should've at least listened to what he had to say." Erika sighs. "A lot of people ruin their relationships because of miscommunication, and you guys have barely even dated yet."
A snort escapes my lips. "We've barely dated and we already know how to fight like an old couple."
"And that just shows how perfect you two are for each other. You've been best friends for years, and you can't lose that over some silly spat." Peyton says.
"Just talk to him. It'll be okay, I promise."
"Yeah, if he doesn't decide to hate me forever for having sex with your brother." My voice comes out shaky.
Erika rolls her eyes. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I noticed Eric's been calling you a lot lately."
"I haven't answered any of his calls."
"Um..." She sighs. "I hate to say this, but you're gonna have to figure things out with him some day. I'll ask him to stop bothering you for now."
Peyton laughs. "Since when does Eric listen to you?"
Erika shrugs. "I guess I have to try."
____________
"Oh, my night was fine, thanks for asking." Mom snarks as I open the fridge to grab the milk.
I roll my eyes. "Don't even start, mom. I still haven't forgiven you for letting them in yesterday." I pour some cereal into a bowl.
"Oh, come on! It was a necessary evil, and look, you're doing so much better than you were yesterday." She leans over the counter, giving me a smug smile.
No, I'm not.
"Whatever. Doesn't mean I have to forgive you." I shove a spoon of my breakfast into my mouth.
She shrugs. "Okay, then I guess I have to put away these cupcake ingredients." My eyes move to the flour, butter and sugar at the edge of the counter that I'm just seeing for the first time since I entered the kitchen.
"Cupcakes?"
"Yeah, cupcakes." I hear the smile in her voice. "I mean, I planned on baking some, but since you obviously aren't ready to forgive me, then..."
A groan escapes my lips. "Okay, okay! I forgive you. Just don't put them away."
How dare she blackmail me with my kryptonite?
"Are you riding with Zack today?" Mom asks as a drop my plate in the sink and there's a sudden pang in my chest. I turn to face her.
"Um..." I clear my throat. "Actually, I think it'll be better if I take the car."
Mom heaves a sigh, and I know she wants to say something, but decides against it.
I quickly grab my backpack and keys from the bowl, and walk out the door, because five more minutes in there with her would get me spilling everything.
____________
Zack was at school yesterday. He still sat beside me for the classes we usually have together. He still ate lunch with the group. He was...pretty normal actually.
But he refused to make eye contact with me, and fuck if that didn't make me feel a pang in my chest.
He wore dark clothes, a dark grey hoodie and black jeans. He laughed. A LOT. But making eye contact with me had to be the last thing on his agenda.
How the hell am I supposed to fix things with him if he won't even look at me?
It was the same today. No eye contact. No words. Nothing.
I'd even looked into his room last night, but he wasn't there.
"So, what're you going to do?" Alex asks me as we exit the school building.
We've gotten a bit closer since yesterday, after I broke down behind the school building and he found me. I'd opened up to him, and he was understanding, but he said the same thing Erika and Peyton did: not to jump into conclusion.
I shrug. "I don't know. If he doesn't want to talk to me, I can't force him to."
"That's bullshit." He says. "You've been best friends longer than you've dated, and there's no way he doesn't want to talk. He's just hurt, and that hurt is only going to intensify if you let this silence go on any longer."
I purse my lips. I know he's right, but I just need him to talk to me.
I open my mouth to respond, when I spot a figure leaning against the hood of Zack's car. It's him, and his arms are folded across his chest.
He's glaring at the back of Alex's head, so hard I'm expecting Alex to burst into flames any second.
He's getting the wrong idea, and I'm not going to let him.
My heart freezes in my chest when his glaring eyes meet mine. And this is probably not the right time to say this, but he's never looked hotter.
His eyes never leave mine as he pulls his hoodie over his head, then proceeds to get into his car.
Something tells me that if I don't go after him now, I might lose my only chance to make things right with him.
"Aubrey?"
"Huh? Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention." I mutter to Alex.
In my peripheral vision, I see Zack's car reversing, pulling away from the other cars around him.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" He asks, gesturing to the car.
I manage a weak "thanks", hurrying towards Zack's car, which is just now beginning to exit the parking lot.
What happens next will forever be a mystery to me because I have no idea what comes over me when I run in front of his speeding car.
Yep. I'm stupid like that.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die, but you know what flashes before my eyes?
The fact that I'm about to die in my school. Yeah, since the classes didn't kill me, why not get killed by your best friend/boyfriend in the parking lot of your school?
Wait. Why aren't I dead yet?
I slowly open my eyes-When did I even close them?- to see that Zack's glaring at me again. And this time he's out of the car and standing so close to me that if I tilted my head just a little bit, our noses would touch.
"Are you crazy?" He barks suddenly, making me jump.
"What?"
"What the hell was the stunt you just pulled? Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
I don't know what makes me say what comes out next, but I blurt it out.
"It wouldn't matter if I died, right? I mean, technically, you hate me..."
His jaw clenches hard as he runs a hand through his hair, pushing down the hoodie.
Zack turns away from me, opening his door again.
"Get in." He grunts, before the door slams shut.
Totally worth it.