The tension between us in the car is so thick
you'd be able to cut through it with a knife.
Zack hasn't said anything to me since I got in. I don't even have the guts to say anything. Not even ask him where he's taking me.
Why am I so nervous? I've known him all my life!
Do you really know him though? My subconscious bites back.
I heave a sigh, turning in my seat to face him.
He's Zack. Not some random stranger. Just Zack.
I don't even realise when I start studying his features for the hundredth time.
His dark brown hair is disheveled. More disheveled than usual anyway, but it's still fucking hot. His eyes are still my favourite colour. His jaw outline is sharp as ever, and oh, hell, it just ticked.
"Stop it." He snaps, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.
And it's then I see it.
The bruises on his knuckles.
What the hell?
"What happened to your hand?" I ask him. Zack loosens his right hand from the wheel, probably thinking he can hide it from me, but come on, it's his right hand.
"Nothing." He mutters.
"What happened to your hand, Zack? Were you in a fight?" Zack never fights. It's why he plays basketball.
I get my answer when he clenches his jaw even harder, ignoring my question.
"You promised, Zack." My anger begins to emerge. "You promised me that you would never do that again after..." I trail off.
It happened years ago, and we made a silent vow not to ever talk about it.
Shivers run up and down my spine as the memories invade my brain.
I was fourteen years, and had just started high school. I'd gone to the library after school to check out some books while I waited for Zack. He'll never admit it, but I knew he was flirting with a girl, or more.
Somehow, I'd reached the back of the library, and I started getting the creepy feeling that I was being watched. But before I could even think to move, I was being cornered. By two guys.
••••••••••
"Where to, pretty girl?" One of the boys asks me. I look up at him. He's tall. Like Zack. They both are, but I've never seen them before.
They look fifteen or sixteen, so maybe they're in sophomore year.
"Um, I..." I'm getting bad vibes from these guys. I'm not used to being towered by Zack alone, much more, two boys.
Two boys that are making me really uncomfortable.
"I have to get home." I try to step around them, but they don't let me, instead they move even closer, trapping me between them and the shelves.
"Whoa. What's the rush? We just want to have a little fun with you is all." The second one says, right before he touches my face, pushing stray hair strands behind my ear.
A shiver runs through my spine and he smirks, probably taking my discomfort for pleasure.
My panicked eyes scan the room. Empty. No one's here. Not even the librarian. Or if she is, she's an old woman. And the library's big.
"Leave me alone." I mean to sound strong but my voice comes out weak, shaky, and apparently funny, because they both laugh.
"You're a feisty one aren't you?" The first one says, hands trailing down the front of my shirt. "This will only take a second." He mutters, starting to unbutton my shirt. The other one licks his lips.
"Stop." I reach out to push his hand away but the second one moves behind me, taking my hands and trapping them in his.
Now I'm between both of them.
Tears start to escape. They're going to rape me. They're going to rape me.
The first one clicks his tongue. "Naughty too, huh? I know how to deal with naughty girls."
My heart freezes in my chest when his eyes darken.
He moves to unbutton my jeans and I start to move. I start to do anything and everything. Kicking, thrashing, yelling.
"Shut up!" The first one commands right before he slaps me right across the face, and then the second one clamps a hand over my mouth. My body is still now. Immobile. They have me trapped. There's nothing anyone can do.
"If you're quiet, this will be fast." He scoffs. "No one can hear you anyway."
No one can hear me.
My fighting instincts kick in as I bite down on the hand around my mouth. Hard. At the same time, I lift my leg and kick assaulter one in the groins.
"Argh! You little bitch!"
I don't even waste any time before I'm running out the library, and into someone's arms.
"Aubrey?" Eric! I hold him tight as I cry into his chest.
••••••••••
It wasn't until the next day that I told him what had happened. I couldn't hold on from telling Zack because he noticed that something was wrong with me. He blamed himself for what happened. And yeah, Eric blamed him too.
He wanted me to tell him who they were, but I couldn't, because I didn't want him involved.
I didn't even know their names.
It was when I was in the hallway with Zack one day and one of them passed us. He winked at me, and I completely froze up.
Zack noticed, and he knew immediately. He clenched his fists and I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop him.
Zack walked up to his retreating figure and punched him.
It was a full-on fight, but Zack was at an advantage. Zack beat him up, and everyone watched. Everyone watched as he beat him up until he almost passed out, when the authorities appeared.
I'll never forget the expression on Zack's face as he turned to look at me before he was taken to the principal's office, while the other one was rushed to the hospital.
It wasn't long before the entire school found out about how I was almost raped, and the two guys were expelled, while Zack was suspended.
He was even lucky he wasn't expelled.
His dad pulled some strings for him to stay.
Zack almost killed someone because of me. I was scared of him. Not because I thought he would do the same to me, he would never, but because I thought he would do the same to someone else.
When he noticed I was pulling away, he wanted to know why, and I told him. None of that would've ever happened if I hadn't gone into the library.
He made me a promise not to start a fight. Or even finish it, because I never wanted to see that dark look on his face again.
I don't even realise when tears start running down my face.
"I didn't start it." He says softly, and I feel him take my chin between his thumb and index finger. "Look at me, Aubrey."
I open my eyes slowly. When did he even stop the car? His eyes are soft now. Softer than they've ever been. Up close I can see the healing cut on his lower lip.
My hand reaches up to touch it.
"Jesus Christ, Zack." I whisper. "What did you do?"
He leans in closer, and before I know it, his soft lips are molding with mine, and he's biting, nipping, sucking.
We shouldn't be doing this.
Yeah, I know. But the thing is, I can't stop. He's never tasted better.
I thread my finger through his hair, clutching as he carries me over the console and onto his lap so I'm straddling him.
His tongue slips into my mouth and I press my lips harder against his, taking whatever he's willing to give.
I let out a moan when his hand slips under my shirt, going higher, teasing, brushing under my breasts.
Zack moves his lips lower to my neck, and I hate the feeling of not having his lips on mine, but this feels so good.
Wait.
"Zack..." I whisper.
He doesn't stop necking me. "Hmmm?"
"What're we doing?"
I feel him smile. "Kissing. Isn't it obvious?"
I roll my eyes. "Zack."
Zack tenses, stopping his assault on my neck. But that doesn't mean he doesn't leave me wanting.
His forehead comes to rest on mine and he inhales deeply.
"I don't know. I guess I just want to forget everything for a little while. Don't you?"
I do. So very much.
"I wish I... I mean, I do, but we can't. Not when there's so much happening. Not when we have a lot to say to each other. We're not okay, Zack, you know that. So we can't just forget everything and go back to normal."
"That's not what I meant..."
"I know." I look into his pain filled eyes and I want to do whatever he wants me to. I want to kiss him. But I don't. "I'm sorry."
I don't know what I'm apologizing for. Everything, maybe?
I move back to my position, watching him carefully as he runs a hand through his hair. He puffs out a breath.
I expect him to clench his jaw, get angry, give me the silent treatment again. Anything.
Instead, he glances down. "Great. Now you have me frustrated and I have to take a cold shower."
Before I realise it, I'm bursting into laughter, wiping tears of relief from my eyes.
"Why would you say something like that?"
He looks at me, shrugging. "What? It's true. Do you know how painful it is?"
"Okay, okay! I get it. Can we talk about something else now?"
Zack chuckles, eyes darting from my eyes to my lips. "Feels good, doesn't it?"
"What?"
"Laughing. I haven't heard you do that in a while."
"Yeah, well, you haven't exactly been around me in a while."
His smile diminishes, and he immediately looks away, putting the car on drive.
"Zack, I didn't..."
"Yes, you did. And it's true. I haven't had the courage to even look at you ever since..." He clenches his jaw.
Ever since I brutally threw in his face the fact that I slept with his worst enemy.
Zack casts a side glance at me, then blows out a breath. "Don't beat yourself up. We'll have plenty of time to talk tonight. I'll come over." He adds when I look at him, confused.
I nod as he pulls up in front of my house. "I'm gonna head to the gym for a few hours, so, I'll see you when I get back."
"You don't want me to come with you?" I ask, confused, because whenever we need to fix shit between us, we go there together.
He shakes his head. "No. I need to be alone for a while."
I open my mouth to say something. Anything. Like ask him why he doesn't want me to come with him. Or if he's telling me the truth. But nothing comes out.
I open the door to exit the car, when I feel his hand on mine.
When I turn to face him, he swallows. "I could...never hate you. You know that, right?"
"Yeah," I whisper, "yeah, I know."
He squeezes my hand. "Good. Leave your window open."
____________
I check the time on the clock- 11:00. Zack should be here any second now. My mum had left for work a few hours ago and I've been watching TV ever since.
I switch off the tv and hurry up the stairs to change into a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Then I go to open the window.
Thirty minutes later, I'm sitting at my desk, going through random shit and wondering when Zack is going to be here.
Thirty minutes more, I'm in my closet, going through random shit again and wondering if Zack is really going to be here.
Thirty minutes more, I'm on my laptop, going through Instagram and yes, random shit, fighting sleep and hoping that Zack will be here.
Thirty minutes more, and I'm in bed, fucking sleepy, and convinced that Zack isn't going to be here anyway.
My eyes open when I feel a dip in the bed behind me, and I breathe out a sigh of...I don't know...relief? when his arm wraps around me, and then I'm being pulled into him, my back to his chest.
"Hey." I feel him breathe into my neck, and fuck if it doesn't give me goosebumps.
"I waited." My voice comes out husky, but I can't help it.
I count the seconds...1...2...3...4…5...then
"I know."
That's all he has to say. I know.
And was that a slur I detected?
I turn in his arms to face him. "Where were you?"
In the darkness, I can see the glassiness in his eyes.
"Doesn't matter." He mutters.
Not this again.
I sit up and turn on the bedside lamp.
"Where were you, Zack?"
"The gym. I told you I was going there."
"Oh, so there's a liquor cabinet on the basketball court?"
He rolls his eyes. "It doesn't matter, Aubrey. Why are you so mad?"
Why is he being so calm about this?
I stand up and storm towards the bathroom. Anything to get away from him and his attitude.
"Because I'm trying, Zack. I'm trying to make this work and you're not making it easy for me."
"I'm not making it easy?" I hear footsteps behind me and I stop and turn around. "You fucked your ex behind my back and decided to hide it from me, Aubrey. So, don't tell me I'm not making it easy, because you're the most difficult, frustrating person to be with."
"Then why are you still with me?"
"Because I lo... I mean, because I don't want to ruin our friendship without even seeing where this goes."
I pin him down with a glare.
"First of all, you've never even been in a fucking relationship before, so don't even pretend you know the first thing about relationships! All you ever do is screw anything in a skirt, including Audrey whom you know I hate!" I yell, getting into the bathroom, and slam the door behind me.
My subconscious is laughing at me. Hard. Like it's funny. When it's not.
He's such a fucking liar.
"Open the door, Aubrey." He says, banging on the door.
"You're drunk. Go home." I choke out, sliding down the bathroom door and burying my head between my knees.
Sounds dramatic, I know, but sometimes, you do anything just to get away.
I don't hear anything on the other end for about five minutes, and I'm almost convinced that Zack's gone, before I hear his voice.
"I didn't sleep with her." It's small, but I catch it.
My heart stops beating for a second.
"What're you... what're you saying?"
"I didn't sleep with Audrey. I mean, I did sleep on the same bed with her, and that was only once, but I never fucked her. I could never do that to you, fighting or not."
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
"You okay in there?" He sighs, and my heart melts. I'm scared of opening the door. Scared that if I look into his eyes, I'll break down more than I already have.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Isn't it obvious? I didn't want to hurt you. Look, I know you deserve an explanation, and I'm gonna give it to you right now if you just open the door."
Just open the damn door, girl!
"Um," I sniff. "I'll be out in a minute, I just need a few seconds."
Another pause, then, "Okay."
I hear his footsteps retreat, and then I stand up, moving to the sink to splash some water on my swollen face.
I hate myself, and I feel so embarrassed.
When I exit the bathroom, Zack is standing at the window, looking out into the starless night.
I walk towards my desk to sit down, and then he turns to face me, having noticed the sound.
The glassiness in his eyes are gone, and they're back to normal. He's sobered up. I think as I spot the glass of water in his hand.
"Do you need anything?" He asks, and I shake my head.
"I just made the worst assumption of you and you're asking if I need anything." I scoff.
"Hey, it's not your fault. I mean, I kinda did make you believe I slept with her, when I kissed her in the parking lot. Remember?"
Not my favourite moment. I think as I nod my head.
"And at the homecoming dance."
He runs a hand through his hair. "Yeah. That wasn't supposed to happen. She's the one who kissed me to spite you."
I'm confused. "I heard her that day...sorry I eavesdropped by the way...but she sounded like she hated me and liked me at the same time. I mean, one minute she was whining about you saying you didn't want to see her anymore, and the next...she was saying she couldn't hurt her worst enemy like that."
"That's what I'm trying to explain to you." He sighs. "The day I left, I was just so upset and hurt that you didn't want to be with me. And I hated myself for saying some pretty insensitive shit to you, so I went to a bar, and though I'm not proud of it, I got wasted that night.
"I don't know how, but I showed up at Audrey's house that night, and she was pissed as hell, but she took me in, on the condition that I wouldn't...talk to you again, and that I'd agree to date her." My throat dries when he lifts his apologetic eyes to mine.
I was drunk and had nowhere else to go. I had to make you believe something!
"I woke up the next morning on her couch, confused, and she explained that I just showed up from nowhere."
The story plays in my head, and I'm able to picture Zack in Audrey's wide as fuck living room. She's thrown a lot of parties, so yeah, everyone knows where she lives, and how fucking rich her parents are.
"Ten minutes later, and I was making comments on how snotty she is, and trust me when I say, she did not take it lightly."
I roll my eyes. Typical Zack.
"She disappeared into the kitchen and the next thing I knew," he swallows, "she was smashing stuff. Plates, cups, knives. She threw them everywhere, and believe it or not, I was scared shitless. Because she had this look in her eyes, and it wasn't normal."
Oh, God. No.
"I don't know how I did it, but I calmed her down. Or at least I tried. It wasn't up to a minute later when she started again. I thought she was crazy, and I tried to leave, but, she started begging me to stay, that she was alone and nobody cared."
This is difficult for him to say, I can tell by the amount of times he's swallowed.
I place my hand over his on the desk, squeezing. "You don't have to continue if you don't..."
He surprises me by lifting my hand towards his lips and kissing it. It's a small gesture, but it so unlike Zack that I don't even realise that I'm blushing until he smirks at me. He begins to trace the back of my hand with his thumb.
"Audrey's been alone for a really long time."
"What about her parents? They're lawyers, right?"
Everyone knows that Audrey's parents are rich ass lawyers.
Zack's eyes harden.
"That doesn't mean shit. They're never home, and she's an only child. She's sick, and they don't even fucking realise it."
"What do you mean, 'she's sick'?"
"Just that, Aubrey. She's sick and she needs help. She doesn't even know what she does half the time."
I'm unable to believe that it's true. That Audrey Lopez, who always appears to have her life put together, is not okay.
"Oh, my God! I can't believe I didn't... I didn't notice. I was being such a bitch and..."
Oh, hell. My eyes are tearing up.
"Hey," he pulls me into a hug, "no crying, okay? I hate seeing tears on your face. She's fine, actually. I just need to check on her every now and then." His lips meet the crown of my head.
"Good. I can go with you when..."
"No." He mutters. "It has to be only me. It's going to be hard for her to adjust to anyone else, and let's face it, you two haven't been the best of friends." He chuckles, and then sighs. "Plus, I understand. I know how it feels to be abandoned by family."
My heart breaks for Zack. "Zack, that's not... it's not the same thing. You know they love..."
"Love." He spits the words out like he's disgusted. "Themselves, maybe, but me? I don't even stand a chance."
I want to argue with him. I want to tell him that his parents really do love him. That he belongs. That I love him, but all my thoughts evaporate the moment Zack raises my chin up and presses his lips to mine.
"I'm sorry I couldn't explain earlier." He whispers against my lips.
I don't know what just happened, if Zack just flipped a switch or something, but I just start to feel different emotions at once. One of which keeps resounding in my ear, in my chest, in every part of me. I keep pushing it back, but it keeps on persisting.
What are you doing to me, Zack? Stupid heart!
"I... I shouldn't have slept with him." I stutter. "I don't know what came over me that night, I just..."
Zack leans his forehead against mine. "Hey, it's not your fault. It's his, and I'm definitely gonna kick his ass for it..."
"Zack, please..."
"Shhhh. I can promise not to do it in front of you, Aubrey, but I can't promise not to do it at all. At this point, that's the only thing that'll keep me sane."
Before I can say anything else, he kisses me again. His lips on mine make me forget anything and everything. His kisses make everything better. Makes me never want to let him go.
And I know we're just trying this out, but I think I'm falling in love with my best friend.
I'm falling in love with you, Zack.