"Alright, here."
"A-ah, thanks."
I'm in the Askaura home and the sweet smell of bonito stock and soy sauce drifts into my nose. Unsurprisingly, my stomach starts rumbling like crazy. I can only stare in shock as I look at the pot in front of me.
The soup is a nice golden color and the udons are a lush light brown color. Scattered around the pot, I spot some white onions, finely cut tofu and a variety of pickled plums. Dead center lies a golden soft boiled egg. It's definitely the star of the show here. To put it plainly, Rin's mom is serving me Nabeyaki udon.
How did things come to this? I was heading to the convenience store to buy some food when I met Kaoru-san on the way. When I told her that I was taking the day off because I felt sick…
"Oh my, that sounds terrible. You should come over, I'll make something for you."
"No, no I'm fine. My fever has gone down. Plus, it's not even lunch time anymore."
"Oh, stop being so fussy. If you don't properly take care of yourself, it'll come back again. It's fine, you can rely on me for a bit."
"But..."
"And your parents aren't home today, yeah?"
"Fuah..."
And that's the gist of things. I had no say in it at all, but I found myself in the Asakura house and Kaoru-san is doing her best to take care of me. Whether it's with Rin's homemade bento, or eating with them back in the day, my stomach owes a lot to the Asakura household.
"You better start eating before it gets cold."
"Y-yeah, thanks for the food."
I timidly pick up the chopsticks and put my hands together. I then put Kaoru-san's homemade Nabeyaki udon into my mouth.
"Ah, it's so good."
"Haha, that's good to hear."
The noodles are slender, but aren't soggy at all. The tuna stock combined with the soy sauce makes a great soup, which is piping hot and has sweet and mild flavour. The soup pours right into my stomach and I can feel my body at ease.
"Ah, this takes me back."
I surrender myself to hunger, as my hands keep moving by itself to pick up more udon. Kaoru-san has a big smile on her face as she begins talking.
"Oh, the memories are flooding. You and Rin used to eat here so much when you guys were in elementary school."
The memories of the distant past resurface again in my mind. Because my parents were so busy, I used to eat dinner here a lot. I ate so many things with Rin in this house.
"I really owe you a lot for back then."
I put my chopsticks down and bow my head. Kaoru-san then fans her hand up and down.
"No, no it's fine, you don't need to thank me. I had a lot of fun too. Besides..."
With a soft smile, Kaoru-san closes her eyes.
"I'm so grateful that you became Rin's friend."
With a glance, I could see the gratitude written all over her face. My chest starts feeling a little itchy because admittedly, I'm not that used to people thanking me.
"Yeah, me too."
With a breath, I express my feelings too.
"I was also alone in elementary school... that's why I'm glad I was able to be friends with Rin."
With that, the itching sensation in my chest becomes more noticeable. As if to deceive myself, I down the whole glass of oolong tea in front of me. Maybe it's just me, but it feels like oolong tea from other people's homes taste better than the ones I make myself.
"How's Rin lately?"
As I'm eating, Kaoru-san asks me that, like she's some high school girl interested in love gossip.
"Well..."
All five of my senses flash back: The taste of her homemade bento, her intense body heat, her smile that's as sweet as syrup, her fragrant and comforting smell, her silky hair, the sounds of rustling clothing, breathing and our heartbeats.
I catch myself before I start talking about the details out loud, I mean, I especially don't want to say those things in front of Rin's mom.
"W-well, things have been good, y-yeah!"
"Hehe, that sounds good."
My voice goes all shrill as I nod while Kaoru-san has a happy look on her face.
"Lately, it seems like Rin has been having a lot of fun."
"Huh?"
My chopsticks stop moving when I hear that.
"In the morning, when she's ready, when she comes home and when she's eating dinner, she seems really happy."
"That's good to hear."
Hearing that catches me off guard, but I can easily see that in my head. It's easy to see emotion on Rin, even though she is usually emotionless.
"When I asked if something happened and all I got was silence, though it really is easy to understand what's going on."
Kaoru-san rests her hand on her jaw as she gives a small laugh while staring at me.
"Thank you so much for becoming friends with Rin, I couldn't thank you enough."
Her carefully crafted words cause that itching sensation in my chest to come back.
"I should be the one thanking you."
I say those words as I scratch the back of my head with my hand.
"For me, Rin's always been there to support me. You know... I've always caused trouble for Rin and well... I've always made her worry, in the past... and even now."
For some reason, the words don't stop coming out. The emotions that have trapped within me are gushing out, like a broken dam.
"Sometimes, I don't really understand at all."
My emotions are running loose like a fire, it would be hard to contain now. The doubts I've been harbouring for who knows how long, I think I just wanted someone to vent it to. I normally would bury these emotions within me, and yet I find myself continuing to talk.
"I keep thinking to myself, why would someone like Rin hang out with a person like me all the time."
Because of my low self-esteem, I've been harbouring these thoughts in my head for a long time.
On one extreme is Rin, who is a super smart, athletic beauty who's kind and hardworking. At the other end of the spectrum, is a guy who isn't smart or athletic who's all talk and no game.
Why? Why am I verbalizing all these unreasonable thoughts?
"I think it's great that Rin and I met... but you know... I don't think Rin will be able to grow if she's always with me. I don't really understand why, but I've just been really worried lately."
I'm baring my hidden worries to the world now. I'm the main reason for holding Rin back. Without me, Rin would have more time for other people and that way, she would be able to lead a better life. That's why I'm worried.
Kaoru-san is listening intently to my innermost worries and acting as if she can completely see through me. I start to feel a bit of regret after baring my soul to her.
"Ah... sorry."
Now that I'm calm after all my ranting, I begin to feel all awkward. I'm not usually like this, but again, I can feel myself burning up.
"Sorry... I know this probably isn't something you'd be interested in listening to... I don't know why, but I'm just acting really weird today."
I put on a muddy smile.
"No, it's fine."
Kaoru-san closes her eyes and shakes her head.
"When I was around your age, I was like that too."
As if she's remembering the past, she closes her eyes as she starts talking again.
"When I was young., I used to judge people from what I was able to see... and if I couldn't, I would feel a little anxious."
"What you were... able to see..."
"Yeah, yeah."
Like some teacher, Kaoru-san points her index finger into the air as she continues.
"Being super smart, being athletic, earning lots of money, people tend to judge others based on what they're able to see about them. Because it's such a convenient system, people tend to choose people based on those things. It's not really that bad of a system though."
But having said that, Kaoru-san continues on, her point not completed yet.
"The stuff that's inside, the parts you can't see... their heart, so to speak, people can be attracted to that too, and that can be more important too."
"Heart..."
"Yep."
With that, Kaoru-san places her hand on her chest and gives me a small giggle. I don't think I completely comprehend what she's saying, but I believe her nonetheless. I don't know if the reason why is because of the halo effect or if it's the weight of her knowledge and life experiences.
"Going a little off topic but..."
I could hear her tone drop down slightly.
"When Rin was in elementary school... she didn't get along with her classmates, you remember that?"
"Yeah..."
It's painful thinking back on those days. At the time, I didn't even know that Rin was being bullied by her classmates. I have so much regret, but in our second year of middle school, something else came up and, well that's another story for another time.
"Rin tried her best to hide it, but I could tell. It looked like she was crying every time she came home and even though I did my best to help... nothing seemed to change."
Kaoru-san casts her eyes downward as she says that, as if she's filled with regret towards the past.
"But then one day, Rin came home with a smile on her face."
I could hear the strength returning in her voice. She begins talking like she was the other day.
"So I asked Rin what happened. And do you know what her response was?"
I think about it for a little bit, though I look at Kaoru-san without any clue. With a smile, Kaoru-san stares at me, as she tells me Rin's reply word for word.
----- There is a boy that I like
It feels like my brain just crashed out on me. I could feel myself losing my sense of reality. Kaoru-san sitting across from me, the living room, the old wooden table, the fridge that's covered with sticky notes, everything seems fake. I could hear those seven words constantly echoing in my brain. As if my chest was pinned down, I tried calming myself down while my brian was faintly trying to process anything.
Back then, the only person I interacted with was Rin and I'm sure it was the same for Rin. Those words are still echoing in my brain as I jump to a hasty conclusion.
"The charm."
I raise my head.
"Thanks for that, Rin really cherishes it."
Her voice is full of gratitude, as she bows her head deeply. I should be the one bowing my head. I wanted to kneel in front of Kaoru-san and start crying and apologize to her, but I wasn't able to do that. My head was full of Rin. I fell in love with Rin the moment I met her and the same goes for Rin. And to this day, our thoughts haven't wavered one bit.
I don't know why, but it's always been like that. I think back to my self-imposed rule, the fact that I told Rin that I would become an author one day. Because if I don't, I don't think I would be able to stand side by side with Rin. I'm sure I made Rin much more sad and lonely because of it. But truthfully, it's just my stupid pride, or maybe even ego, getting in the way of everything. And because of my tedious pride, I trampled over the feelings of the girl I love for a long, long time.
Even now, I love Rin with all my heart. As I mull things over, there's really only one thing I should do…