"Rin, I think I'll stop trying to become an author."
I feel like a defendant awaiting his verdict from the judge. The atmosphere in the room is as heavy as mercury. We're left in darkness as the sun begins its descent down the sky.
"...Huh?"
She is wringing out every last drop with her voice, the fear on her normally beautiful face is easily palpable.
"Are you... joking?"
I shake my head. This isn't a joke, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into.
"W-why!? This is... so sudden..."
"I can't write anymore."
I tell her the truth as she draws closer.
"Can't... write...?"
Rin is dumbfounded, unable to understand what I really mean. I continue on, lacking any emotion in my words.
"For the past three days, I haven't written a single thing. If I try to make myself write, I get nauseous, my heart starts pounding like crazy and my body shuts down..."
Rin's face looks so shocked as she listens to my explanation. Suddenly, she opens her eyes as if she just realized something.
"So the reason you're all sick is..."
"It's the result of me forcing myself to write. Seems like I've put a huge burden on myself."
I worked myself to overexhaustion, there's nothing more to it. Rin shakes her head, as she's still in shock.
"B-but..."
Clenching her fist, Rin tries to find some way to bargain with me.
"I-it's not like you won't be able to write for the rest of your life! After a week... maybe a month, you'll be able to start writing again. Until then, you can just take a break..."
Softly, I raise my hand and begin stroking her reddened cheek. I shake my head as I let out a quiet voice.
"It's fine..."
My field of vision starts to flicker. The voice that comes out of my mouth, it's a lot weaker than I expected, it catches me off guard. I've completely given up...
"I've had enough, I'm just so tired..."
That's how I really feel. I think back on the five years I've continually written on Syosetu. With my only goal being getting published, I would constantly look at the ranking boards and the popular trends. Everyday, I would continue to write. Keeping my promise with Rin in mind, I would ignore my urge to write stuff that I wanted to and instead continue to write stuff that would be popular.
And as a result, I forgot what it was like to have fun writing. And once I gained enough readers, that's when I would write something for myself. But having constantly written for the sake of others, I have no idea what I want to write anymore. I can't hear my inner voice anymore, and yet, my body is rejecting the very idea of continually writing for the sake of others and popularity. I've been searching for so long, and yet I have no idea what I truly want.
Or perhaps, the very act of writing is causing me pain. My heart has been worn down, forced to confront the reality of the situation. There is no sign anything will get better either. Even if it pains me to admit, I am nothing but average. I don't have the senses to break through at all. I don't have the magic ability to move the hearts of the readers. After years and years of writing, I might eventually be able to break through, though there's no guarantee that will ever happen. At the end of the day, it's all just wishful thinking. I've been running a never-ending marathon for a long time now and I have no more gas in the tank to go on. I can't take it anymore, spending so much time and effort on something that's not even fun. If I completely stop right now. I could use the time for better things, like spending time with the person I love. That's my final conclusion.
That's the gist of my explanation to Rin. Though I am surprised how calm I am. The words are coming out smoothly, as if my mind has already been made up. As I keep on talking, it looks like Rin always wanted to interrupt, but she keeps quiet and listens intently. She clenches her fists and purses her lips so many times. I let out a breath and opened my mouth again.
"From here on out, instead of spending so much time on writing, I'll use that to spend time with you, Rin."
Rin catches her breath.
"It's as you say Rin, I have to put in more time if I want to be a better writer. But I'd rather use that time for you."
On the contrary, if I don't spend so much time writing, that might end up much better for me. I might finally be able to take my first steps onto the road of happiness.
A warm, happy scene floats into my mind:
Rin and I are both adults as we're sitting at a dining table.
"Oh yeah, remember when I wanted to become an author?"
"Ah, I remember that."
Her kind smile is so comforting. Ah, I have an amazing smile too. That scene breathes new life into me, I really should be aiming towards such a happy ending.
"Who knows, maybe years, decades pass, and you know, if I do get a change of heart, I might start writing again."
I can feel myself speeding up, wanting to tell Rin my feelings as fast as possible.
"But now, more than anything else, you're my priority, so..."
I can feel my voice shaking a little bit.
"That's why I'll stop writ-"
"Don't even think about quitting!"
Before I could finish my sentence, Rin's loud yell stops me in my tracks. It was like filling a balloon so much to the point of it exploding. She was releasing all the pen-up stress she had been holding in. I look at Rin's face with shock, I see so many emotions dancing on her face: anger, sadness, frustration, regret. However, her anger stands out to me the most.
"We made a promise... you'd become an author and when your book comes out... I would be the first to read it..."
Rin put a threatening look on her face. Receiving this pressure full force, she really is angry. All I can do is watch her calmly and quietly. The fact that I throw away our promise, I'm sure she'll remember this for life.
"You know, I'm really sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry... I've kept you waiting for so long and you were looking forward to it and now this happened. I know you're mad and all but..."
"That's not what I'm talking about!"
Her yelling keeps getting louder.
"I'm not mad about the promise... well I'm mad about that, but there's something else that I'm more pissed about!"
Ah, seems like I misunderstood everything again.
"Tohru-kun, you're lying to yourself."
Because of my tunnel vision, I can't figure out the meaning of her words at all.
"Lying..."
I knit my eyebrows, parroting that single word.
"Yes, lying. You're lying to yourself. All your talk of 'I had enough' and 'It's fine' is all a lie."
Rin keeps pouring out words, leaving me no time to interject.
"You definitely haven't had enough and you're definitely not satisfied as is. What you're really thinking is 'This isn't good enough' and 'This isn't fine'."
"Why..."
I let out a voice, and in my mind and I feel something spark within me, like the last remaining coals in a fire. Is this... irritation?
"Why do you know that?"
"Of course I would know."
Rin responses immediately, not giving a damn about her tone of voice towards me.
"I'm your childhood friend after all."
Those words, nothing else can be more persuasive than that. Because of those powerful words, I can feel all the excuses, deception and lies begin to disappear.
"Whenever you lie, you always tend to blink quickly."
I can feel myself getting hotter.
"That's why what you just said wasn't the truth at all. What you really mean to say is..."
"Stop, it's fine."
I interrupt Rin, frantically trying to hide the truth somehow.
"I've had enough and I tried my best. I put my all into this and I'm ready to stop."
I put everything into every single word. Listen to yourself, Tohru, not let Rin distract you.
"That's why, I won't write anymore, I already made up my mind..."
"But why...?"
My willpower starts to shatter as I hear Rin's voice full of pain.
"Why Tohru-kun? Why do you look so pained?"
"...Huh?"
I can feel my spirits dampen as I hear Rin's question.
"I really am satisfied, I swear..."
I get to the core of the issue, practically begging at this point.
"Your pain, sorrow, you don't have to cry. You really don't want to quit, you want to become an author. I still remember you screaming those promises."
Then, I notice something warm coming out of my eyes. Ah, so that's it. I can't deceive myself anymore. I can't separate logic and emotion at all and I can't see what I really want. But Rin is able to see through the facade. With the force of a great typhoon, I let out all the emotions from the depths of my heart.
"I understand..."
I can't stop the words anymore.
"I think I finally understand!"
I get louder and louder without knowing it. I withstand the urge to hit the wall and the bed. Instead, I channel all that energy into my words.
"In my head, I keep telling myself to quit, that I had enough, that it's just a waste of time. But in my heart, I don't want to give up, the fires of passion are still burning hot. I know I want to become an author. What the hell am I supposed to do with these contradictory feelings!? I know more than anyone else much turmoil I'm in!!"
I feel a sense of anger boiling up within me. Just who am I angry at? No one else but myself. My emotions come gushing out like an avalanche. I don't want Rin to see how shameful I look, but I can't stop.
"But... but... what the fuck am I supposed to do!?"
My heart is screaming, as I'm drowning in helplessness, it feels like a cold wind is blowing all over my chest.
"However thousands, hundred thousands, million characters I write, I know I have no talent at all. I don't have the ability to make the readers feel at all. The result will be the same every time. I've known this for years, but..."
I've hit a wall that I can't overcome no matter how hard I try. I feel so irritated just thinking about my futile situation. So many countless times, I've wanted to tear my body up in frustration. But...
"Even so, I still want to become an author. I want to write something that all my readers can look forward to, I want to be able to write something that can stand on its own two legs."
I stare at the palm of my hand. For the past five years, these hands have constantly hit the keyboard everyday. Three days ago, these same hands stopped writing any sort of story.
"I want to write but I can't. My head, body, hands and fingers, they're all on strike, I can't write a single damn thing..."
It's all physiological, the reason why I can't write anymore. It's not fun anymore, so even if I try to hide that fact and force myself to keep writing, my body will keep rejecting the very idea.
"I can't write anymore..."
There's nothing more to it.
"I don't want to write anymore..."
I'm just getting what I deserve.
"I'm just so worn out..."
I don't want to think anymore, I already give up. With that, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. All my repressed feelings, finally being able to let them all out is cathartic. However, I can't see Rin's face at all, instead she's hanging her head down. I'm sure she's disappointed about everything, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? This decision is wholly on me, I mean I probably look really uncool right now. I've been tormenting myself with so much self-hatred. I just want to disappear.
And yet, Rin hasn't lost hope yet.
"Thanks for telling me how you really feel."
Her voice is as bright as the spring sun. She raises her head and gives me that soft and gentle smile, as sweet as sponge cake. It's so calming, full of love and affection, it's so lovely. Why is she accepting all of this at face value?
"It'll be fine."
That familiar sweet scent drifts into my nose.
"Tohru-kun isn't someone that breaks easily."
Rin draws near me and wraps her arms around my body.
"I know how strong you are."
Rin keeps giving me a strong hug.
"Tohru-kun is someone who can face his own mistakes and come out stronger because of it."
Rin lightly caresses my back, as if she's handling it with care.
"You're more strong and more amazing than you think. More than anyone else, I know that."
Rin's warmth melts the ice around my heart.
"That's why everything will be fine."
Her kind words, her encouraging words, it's like a beautiful melody is reaching my eardrums and I can feel my heart start to quiver.
"Once you take a break, I'm sure you'll be back in full force, writing again. And once that happens, it'll be a straight line until you become an author."
Her words are so full of conviction, as if she can see the future. I finally open my mouth.
"How do you know...?"
"I know it will happen."
She replies immediately, and even though I can feel my voice shaking, Rin puts more strength into her hug. And so, because of weakness, Rin continues speaking on, adding more ammunition.
"It's because I'm..."
---your childhood friend.
I can hear the familiar phrase in my head again. But reality is not what I expected at all.
"I'm Tohru-kun's..."
---Did you write this?
---It's really interesting.
"I'm Tohru-kun's world's biggest fan."