Since that day, I started acting way more proactive around Tohru-kun.
I was surprised that I had such an assertive side to myself, it was like I was propelling myself headfirst right into Tohru-kun.
I'd make him a bento and we would eat lunch together. We'd go home from school together. We went to see a movie together. We went back to the hamburger place and ate there again, I casually tried to close the gap between us. We'd hug and I would pretend it was for his story. And when Tohru-kun became all tired from writing, I would let him rest on my lap.
Being this assertive meant I had to be really courageous and that caused my heart to pound so much. In spite of that, I'd never been more happy. I've been able to do a lot of things with Tohru-kun that I never would have imagined. I had been able to feel his scent, warmth and presence more than ever. I had been patiently waiting, as those desires must have been hidden deep in my chest up until now.
Now that I definitely knew how Tohru-kun felt, I made up my mind. I don't need to hold back anymore. The dam finally broke and a torrent of emotions broke through, overbearing Tohru-kun with my appeal. In just under a month, the gap between us had shortened considerably. I'm sure my sudden change in attitude surprised Tohru-kun, but he accepted it wholeheartedly. And that made me happy, being able to spend every day like this, and maybe one day, he'll finally awaken.
I want Tohru-kun to notice this change within himself, that's why I started doing this. It made me beyond happy, as if we could understand each other's feelings. It was clear that we both love each other...
But I still won't confess my feelings to him. It feels like Tohru-kun doesn't really want to go out with me right now. Given his character, there's no way he wouldn't notice everything I've done, especially given how obvious it was. Tohru-kun is a bit dense at times, but he's not like those protagonists on Syosetu that are completely oblivious to everything.
That means there is some other reason why he's choosing not to advance our relationship even though he can see it clearly. Tohru-kun isn't the kind of person to shy away from expressing his feelings, he's always the one to say what's on his mind. That means there's some other hurdle, I know there has to be.
_____________
Lately, Tohru-kun has been forcing himself. He suddenly increased the frequency with which he updates his story. One chapter a day is already strenuous, but even more than that is unreasonable. Obviously, something is influencing him. In the morning and during the day, Tohru-kun has been weary and fatigued. If this keeps going on, there's a high chance he'll collapse.
Why is Tohru-kun all of a sudden exerting himself so much? Maybe it has something to do with my recent change in behaviour.
Somehow, my hunch was right, bull's-eye to be exact. It was around when I visited Tohru-kun's house for the first time in what felt like forever.
In his room, I saw the "Realization of Dream" charm hanging on his desk light, and that was when everything snapped into place for me. I started following his train of thoughts. I'm sure he still compares himself with others. He originally wasn't like that at all, but being in a constant battle with the Syosetu rankings probably flipped a switch in him somewhere. Is it possible that he's comparing himself to me?
I mean it is true that in terms of grades, I do score objectively high. 'If I want to catch up to her level, I have to become an author as soon as possible'. Is it possible he fell into that line of thinking? If that's the case, why would he even care…?
I never really cared about Tohru-kun's status, it's his personality that I love. Besides, it's because of Tohru-kun that I was able to become like this. That's why comparing himself to me just seems counterproductive to me. That's why he shouldn't have to strain himself, and even then, I don't want him to strain himself.
"I mean, I know we made a promise that you would become an author one day and that I would be the first one to read your book."
I'm on his bed, I'm hugging his large body as I say that.
"More than anything else, I just want you to be healthy and happy."
I put strength into every single word.
"That's why... please... don't push yourself too hard, okay...?"
Tohru-kun keeps apologizing as he hears my plea. He's apologizing that I made him worry, that he couldn't see that he was hurting others by pushing himself too hard.
"Please don't blame yourself for this."
It should all be on me.
"Besides... seeing Tohru-kun try so hard, that made me happy too. And that's why I'm part of the problem too."
It's partly my fault too that Tohru-kun is pushing himself too much. That's why I said that. If he doesn't work so hard, he won't break.
"Before thinking about me, you should put yourself first. Achieve your dream for yourself and not for anyone else's sake."
After hearing my plea, Tohru-kun made a promise.
"I'll write at my own pace from now on."
Those words gave me peace of mind. At the same time, I could feel something change within me. I want this relationship to continue even after he becomes an author. Boys seem to be prideful beyond belief. Even though I don't understand it myself, I have to respect that fact. Because it's based on emotions, trying to negate it logically is useless. That's why Tohru-kun needs to be satisfied. That's why he's been forcing this upon himself.
However, after this, I'll take it easy with the distance between us. It'll be fine. His dream won't take a long time to achieve. One more step and he'll be right there. I've been watching him grow everyday, I know he can do it. That's why I'll keep on waiting. And for a while, I thought it was all okay, however that happened...
_______________
"Rin, I think I'll stop trying to become an author."
The moment I hear those words, it feels like the world has suddenly become dark.
"Are you... joking?"
He shakes his head and start to explain himself. He hasn't written for three days now. His physical condition worsened because he pushed himself too much.
"I-it's not like you won't be able to write for the rest of your life! After a week... maybe a month, you'll be able to start writing again. Until then, you can just take a break..."
As I was about to finish, he puts his hand against mine and shakes his head.
"It's fine..."
Tohru-kun kept saying he had enough and he was tired. Like a water tank with a hole in it, the words keep flowing out. In order to get published, he kept analyzing the rankings and trends and continued on writing. Slowly but surely, he lost the initial drive and fun that he first had. He forgot how to write for himself, not even knowing what he wants when constantly appealing to the readers is all he has been doing. His body refuses to write something for others and yet he still doesn't know what he personally wants. In the end, his problem comes with writing itself.
Things might have gone well if there were any tangible results, but there wasn't any so far. He said he fully realized that he is nothing more than average and has no marks of a genius at all. It might takes years, decades of lots of effort to finally break through, yet he doesn't have the strength remaining to keep running that long marathon. He had enough spending so much time and effort on something that wasn't fun nor yielding any results.
Tohru-kun told me that he would rather use that time for other things that mean more to him. Five years of built up pain, thoughts and troubles are finally boiling over. With each word, the mood gets more tense as his face gets more disheveled.
On the other hand, I am dumbfounded. I hadn't noticed that Tohru-kun was suffering so much, that he felt so cornered. I was with him everyday, reading his new chapters as they came out. I thought I knew everything. Because I was his childhood friend. I feel so angry, but mostly at myself.
"From here on out, instead of spending so much time on writing, I'll use that to spend time with you, Rin."
When he raises his head, I see such a warped expression that I had never seen before.
"It's as you say Rin, I have to put in more time if I want to be a better writer. But I'd rather use that time for you."
Hearing those words alone would make me so happy, but I don't want his happiness to be a result of sacrificing his dream. In the end, Tohru-kun's desires take priority over being able to spend more time with him.
"Who knows, maybe years, decades pass, and you know, if I do get a change of heart, I might start writing again."
It seems like he really has given up. I don't say a thing as I continue to think of a solution. If Tohru-kun is alright with it, then I'll respect his decisions, but his facial expression...
"But now, more than anything else, you're my priority, so..."
That's a lie. If Tohru-kun was telling the truth, he would never make a face like that. That forced smile, it's so fake. The real Tohru-kun would...
"That's why I'll stop writ-"
...would never do that!
"Don't even think about quitting!"
I'm surprised by how loud I was yelling. I surrender myself to my emotions as the words keep spilling out.
"Yes, lying. You're lying to yourself. All your talk of 'I had enough' and 'It's fine' is all a lie."
He doesn't want to give up at all, he wants to become an author.
"You definitely haven't had enough and you're definitely not satisfied as is. What you're really thinking is 'This isn't good enough' and 'This isn't fine'."
He wants to keep on writing. I know that, so I keep on talking.
"That's why what you just said wasn't the truth at all. What you really mean to say is..."
"Stop, it's fine."
There's a hint of anger on his face, something that's rare for him.
"I've had enough and I tried my best. I put my all into this and I'm ready to stop."
That's a lie. Whenever Tohru-kun lies, he always starts blinking a lot. He can't even accept the truth, he doesn't want to give up yet. With conviction, I speak up again.
"Why Tohru-kun? Why do you look so pained?"
Those words are the final push.
"I understand..."
With that, the tears don't stop coming out.
"I think I finally understand!"
They don't stop at all. Tohru-kun finally lets the truth out, straining his voice while doing so. In his head, he wants to give up, he thinks it's a waste of time, but his heart still hasn't given up yet, that drive is still there. That's the core of the dilemma.
After thousands, millions of characters, he realized he has no talent and the result will be the same no matter what. Even so, he still wants to be an author. He wants to reach out to the readers and give them stories they can look forward to. He was able to push forward with that as his only support, but once that was gone, his heart broke.
"I can't write anymore..."
I can hear his tears.
"I don't want to write anymore..."
He sounds like a lost child.
"I'm just so worn out..."
His voice is so thin, as if it could disappear at any moment. After hearing everything, my chest drops and I think.
Ah, Tohru-kun, my lovely, dear Tohru-kun.
He still hasn't completely given up. He has come to terms with himself, his acceptance, his pain and his struggles. However, he still keeps on grasping, reaching out for it. That's why it's fine. I have faith. Right now, he's just tired, he can't see his goal so he stopped. But I can see it, and it's so close. Because of his tunnel vision, Tohru-kun can't see anything at all.
That's why I'll guide him towards his goal, now that I noticed it, it's easy. This is the end of our invisible relationship.
From now on, I'm not Nira, I'm Rin Asakura. I'll cheer on Tohru-kun and tell him it's fine. The girl who had no redeeming traits and was always looking down will tell Tohru-kun that everything is alright. I'll save your heart this time, even if it's presumptuous of me. I straighten my back, as I bring myself back to my senses.
"Thanks for telling me how you really feel."
Tohru-kun lifts his face up. I say those words that saved me countless times from my hopelessness.
"It'll be fine."
I start moving my body
"Tohru-kun isn't someone that breaks easily."
This kindness and gratitude, somehow I'll give it to him.
"I know how strong you are."
I continue telling Tohru-kun my honest feelings as I wrap his back with my arms.
"Tohru-kun is someone who can face his own mistakes and come out stronger because of it."
I gently stroke his back, as if it were a fragile object.
"You're more strong and more amazing than you think. More than anyone else, I know that."
I start speaking my honest feelings.
"That's why everything will be fine."
Everything will really be alright.
"Once you take a break, I'm sure you'll be back in full force, writing again. And once that happens, it'll be a straight line until you become an author."
"How do you know...?"
I don't know where all of this confidence within me came from.
"I know it will happen."
I continue to hug him tightly as his voice keeps on shaking. And then...
"It's because I'm..."
My brain flashes back, back to when we first stepped onto this dream together. Going back into the past, and I recall the scene when we were at the library together after school. Holding up a sheet of writing paper that was filled to the brim with hiragana, I remember how excited Tohru-kun sounded. It really is so nostalgic, thinking back on it.
"I'm Tohru-kun's..."
---How is it?
---How's my story?
"I'm Tohru-kun's world's biggest fan."