Looking back, I really was conceited. The only thing I cared about was my pride and as a result, that caused Rin to suffer.
We were in some classroom after school during our second year of middle school. My brain froze when I saw three classmates who I didn't even know surrounding Rin. All three of them, two boys and one girl, were taking their turns bad mouthing Rin to her face.
Hurting Rin was their only goal, as they continued the onslaught of harmful words. However, it seemed like Rin didn't really care, or rather, her face didn't portray any sort of emotion. Like a non-functioning robot, Rin didn't move nor did she utter a word. Irritated by Rin's lack of reaction, one of the boys grabbed one of Rin's arms.
"What the hell are you guys doing?"
Before I knew it, I cried out. I ran up to her Rin and took hold of one of her thin hands. That was the first time that Rin showed any emotion. Her pupils opened wide in shock. For the other three people, I'm sure they were shocked as well.
At the time, I was a nobody in my class since I didn't really talk much nor did I stand out. So my sudden appearance probably shocked them since it was so unexpected of me. Well, that worked in my favour since I was able to use that split second to grab Rin's hand and rush out the classroom together.
"Rin, what was that?"
We dashed out the classroom and were now in a deserted hallway. Rin pursed her lips when she heard that and muttered quietly, like she was resisting my question.
"Please... just ignore that."
"No, I can't do that."
Her voice was weak and a shadow danced across her face. I couldn't leave things as they were, it just didn't sit right with me.
"Don't tell me, is it..."
Her classmates were acting primitively earlier, as if they were removing a foreign substance. Before saying the actual words themselves, Rin prefaced it by going on a tangent.
"I sometimes get into arguments because people don't like my grades or looks...They can't handle the fact that I'm better than them."
It was as if Rin was telling me she didn't mean to do that. With that, Rin looked at me.
"Thanks for earlier."
Rin bowed down her head.
"But please Tohru-kun, it's fine. All their jealousy, their mean words, their hateful stares, I'm used to it already."
Her mouth began to quiver as she said that. Stiff as ever, Rin gave me a fake smile.
"I have a question..."
"Yes, what is it?"
"When we were in grade two, you were crying in the multi-purpose classroom by yourself..."
"Ahh..."
Rin looks at the ceiling as if she was dusting off a memory she kept hidden for so long.
"Yeah, that.."
The way Rin was speaking, it was like she was talking to someone else.
"Was your crying also because of that?"
Rin stood there doing nothing for a little while before she answered my question, parroting her words from before.
"I'm used to it."
She wears her fake smile again, her face looking all warped. I knew immediately that Rin was doing her best to keep me from worrying. But I could feel myself seething. I could not forgive a single person in this situation.
Those assholes and their petty jealousy.
Myself for being unable to detect any of this.
For the first time in my life, I could feel myself lose all sense of reasoning. I heard Rin calling out to me however, surrendering myself to my rage, I ignored Rin and before I knew it, I found myself back in the classroom again. Lucky for me, those three assholes were still hanging around in the classroom. There didn't seem to be any tension after Rin left, as they were guffawing away over bullying her, pleasuring themselves with stupid conversation. Their voices were rough as blades, ready to stab anyone.
I'll make sure you fuckers never come near Rin again.
I was surprised by how loud my voice has become. I mean, I also considered myself to be more on the docile and calm side, but having this much anger seeping out of me was a shock. With the last ounce of my reasoning remaining, I was astonished by how much I'm enraged. My guts started to boil, remembering the fact that these motherfuckers were the ones that bullied Rin.
At first, they were caught off guard, not knowing what was happening to them, but spotting my clear weak points, they began their counterattack. Those motherfuckers begin whaling at me so much. I wasn't able to back up my trash talk, and consequently got trashed hard. But still, I hadn't given up. Grabbing collars, punching, kicking, I let out so many screams from the bottom of my stomach. At first, they were amused with what was going on, but my undying tenacity wore on them, as they started acting more annoyed and frustrated.
You're fucking disgusting!
With those simple words, they gave me one last kick to the stomach and left the classroom.
"Tohru... kun..."
Before I knew it, Rin showed up as I tried to prop my aching body against the wall. Surprise, confusion and and sorrow, I saw those emotions painted on Rin's face as I gave her a thumbs up.
"It's alright, I'm fine Rin."
"Fine..."
Rin's face obviously began to contort.
"What are you talking about!? You're not fine at all!"
That might have been the first time I heard Rin shout. Crouching down, Rin was obviously flustered, but I continued my cocky spiel.
"I didn't touch those guys at all, but they gave me a good beating."
"What were you thinking..."
Rin's pupils widened in shock as if she just realized how grave the situation was.
"If we get a doctor's note from the hospital and give it to the teacher, I'm sure they won't go unpunished."
It's fine, I don't care about my physical condition as long as Rin is okay. In this world, the strong are able to create rules to oppress the weak. But thanks to social media, it's now easy to know what to do when you become a target, even I decided to take a look. To be honest, I didn't know when I would ever become a target, so I was just making sure. Looks like I succeeded. If you're assaulted, don't counterattack. Once they've finished beating you, head to the doctor immediately to get a doctor's note. An objective doctor's note is a hundred times more effective as proof than an oral story.
I might have jumped into the classroom impulsively, but once I got hit, I came to my senses and decided to go down this route. Making sure they'll never come back to Rin again is the only goal here.
"That way, they won't interfere with you anymore..."
Before I could finish saying what I wanted to say, I saw Rin begin to tear up.
"R-rin?"
"Why...?
I was the flustered one now.
"Why did you do that?"
Large tears start gushing out of her eyes, going down her cheeks in one straight line.
"This is my own problem, I can endure it myself, but..."
Her voice sounded pained; I saw her clench her fists.
"But why, why would you do this?"
"I had no other choice!"
I gave into my rage and started yelling.
"Because you're really important to me Rin!"
I meant every single bit of that, I'll say it again: I can't forgive those motherfuckers who hurt Rin and I can't forgive myself for never noticing this in the first place. That's why I have to help out somehow, that's all. Rin covered her mouth as she listened to me speak my truth. However, it looked like Rin had a swell of emotions swirling together: pity, regret, relief and guilt.
"E-even so..."
Rin's beautiful face contorts beyond belief, her dainty hands are gripping my arm.
"Tohru-kun... just look at yourself, you're a mess... you got punched and kicked all over... you're hurting so much... just... why?"
My thoughts were a mess, so my reasoning is kind of shaky, but I can see large tears gushing out of Rin's eyes, and I could feel my temperature drop, as if I've been hit with cold water. Rin didn't want for me to get hurt, and yet I brought that upon myself. And after seeing me in so much pain, Rin became so sad. After thinking about it calmly, I finally understood.
There were probably other ways I could have protected Rin from being bullied. And yet, I decided to do something reckless. Was it possibly atonement for being unable to do anything in the past? No, it's much more vile than that. Wasn't I just drunk on the idea that I could finally protect the person I love? After that thought crosses my mind, I could feel myself being crushed under the weight of my regret.
This simple impulse of wanting to save Rin, it really was just my own ego, my self-satisfaction getting in the way. I could feel my head start to spin. However, with only a single shard of reasoning left, I tried groping for an answer. There's no going back now, it's my fault that Rin had become sad. First of all, I had to do something about it.
"I'm fine."
I tried to act as cheerful as I could.
"I-I'm a masochist! Y-yeah, I love receiving pain."
My declaration was looking to patch things up for the future. Without paying any heed to Rin's crying, I continued on, putting more force into my words.
"So... so... you should..."
I should have stopped there.
"Please abuse me as much as possible!"
...
...
What the hell? Why the fuck did I say that then? I wanted nothing else but to see a smile on Rin's sad face, so I ended up telling a dumb joke. I wanted to show that even though I was beat up pretty bad, I was okay by saying I have a fetish for pain. But above all, I had to be invincible if I didn't want to appear weak in front of the girl I love.
It can only be described as acting weird, though looking back, we were both acting weird. I later learned that Rin was also panicked because of me exerting myself too much as well as my sudden monologue. Did Rin notice my shitty acting or did she really think I was a masochist? Well, I hope it's the former.
"For fuck's sake, just stop that already!"
Her voice went all shrill, but there was a lot of energy behind it. Her eyes were filled with so much strength, staring daggers into me.
"Masochist!? That's so gross!"
That was the first time Rin said anything mean to me. However, Rin hugged me right away. Even if she was calling me an idiot, her harsh words had no malice behind them, as she started crying loudly in my chest. Surprised, I came back to my senses and started to feel so much regret piling up within me. Immediately, I hugged back that small body and started apologizing for my sins over and over.
My ego, my reckless actions, my conceited way of acting, my dim-wittedness, and the fact that I made Rin sad, that's my inescapable reality and I was filled to the brim with guilt. Until Rin stopped crying, I continued to embrace her warm chest. Up until that point, that was probably the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
After that day, two things changed.
Firstly, Rin wasn't being bullied anymore. After that day, those three students were no longer attending our school.
Secondly, Rin started defaulting to abusing me every chance she had. I wonder if it was because she was angry with me for doing all those stupid things or if she was unexpectedly fitting into the role I carved out for her. I might not have understood the reason, but I decided not to jab back at her.
I considered telling her to stop, but I didn't mind either way, so I thought I'd let this be. I will admit, I did say that because I don't really mind that kind of stuff all too much. But really it was weird, is this the highest form of communication that can build trust? Her words alone were harsh enough, and even though it was unpleasant, it started feeling comfortable. You know, I don't mind how unique our relationship is, I enjoy it. And that was how Rin's sharp tongue was born.