It's the evening and I'm in my room with Rin when she suddenly hugs me out of nowhere. Before I can ask why, Rin's next words are the final nail in the coffin.
"Don't... overwork yourself okay?"
Her sad whisper causes my heart to leap. Usually in situations like this, my heart would only start beating fast, but now it feels like it was exploding.
"What... do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb. You're so sleep deprived, it's not even funny. Seeing you like this, sinking yourself into chaos and acting so weird. Compared to you, all those delinquents seem like angels."
"Acting weird, huh..."
"I should have said idiot, shouldn't I?"
While her usual sharpness isn't there, I feel a hint of anger in her tone. I find myself gulping in response.
"A couple days ago, when you were sleeping on my lap..."
I hear Rin's words as she continues on.
"I wanted to be that like that forever with you Tohru-kun."
"Ahh.."
Those words hit me deep, or perhaps it was something I wanted to say too.
"You seem tired today too. That's why... I decided to come, so that you could heal up today as well."
Rin puts more force into her hug.
"I think it's best to eliminate the root cause of your fatigue first."
What does she mean by 'root cause of my fatigue'...?
"I think it's fine if you don't try your best all the time."
I feel the wetness of tears as Rin keeps on talking.
"I mean, I know we made a promise that you would become an author one day and that I would be the first one to read your book."
Memories of our first year of middle school start resurfacing in my head. I remember my chuunibyou phase, and I just want to cringe thinking back on it.
But still...
"No matter what ends up happening, I'll be happy. If things stay like this too, that's fine. Nothing will ever change how I feel."
Looking back, those words that Rin said were something I always held close to me. It's like a treasure, comparable to the first ticket you buy at the train station. Rin's words were like a fire melting away the eternal winter deep within my chest.
"You know..."
Rin's hands start making wrinkles on my shirt.
"More than anything else, I just want you to be healthy and happy. Keeping at this is unreasonable, I mean, if something were to happen to you..."
She trails off, as if she's aware that if she says it, it might come true. So instead, she clings onto my shirt even more, creating deeper wrinkles. Rin pulls me in harder, giving me an even stronger hug.
"That's why... please..."
Rin is putting her all into her words, making sure her intentions are as clear as day.
"Don't push yourself too hard, okay...?"
Her voice is full of sorrow, and it feels like I ran into a concrete wall. I'm such an idiot. I'm flooded with feelings of guilt and remorse. If I could make shadow clones, I would make one to hit me in the head as hard as possible. But I'm so stupid that even that won't come true, so all I can do is hug Rin back, feeling so helpless.
This is the fourth time we hugged. But with this hug, I could make out Rin's dainty figure the best.
"Sorry... I'm so... sorry."
The only words out of my mouth were that of regret and remorse.
"I... wasn't thinking about you at all. I was acting selfish the whole time."
I was too impatient, wasn't flexible at all and had tunnel vision. They're all just excuses anyways. I made the girl I love worry about me, I made her cry. It's all my fault. The truth hits me like a set of bricks. I can feel blood coming from my lower lip as I've been biting it hard. I'm clenching my fists so tight that my fingers begin to hurt.
I can't forgive myself, so I'm taking out all my frustrations onto my joints. But even that's not enough to deter my stomach from feeling sick to its core.
"Please don't blame yourself for this."
That ever-so sweet and kind voice takes a complete reversal.
"Tohru-kun is someone who never gives up and is always willing to fight any challenge head on. Once your switch is flipped, you'll never stop. I know that…"
That gentle voice only amplifies my self-hatred.
"Besides... seeing Tohru-kun try so hard, that made me happy too. And that's why I'm part of the problem too."
The things she's saying, I'm overwhelmed with so much guilt, it isn't even funny at this point.
"But... I made you cry."
"I'm fine, you know."
Rin interrupts my self-loathing before I can go any further.
"No matter how long it takes, months, years, decades, even if I'm an old grandma, I'll always be waiting for you."
Rin touches my head.
"It's fine if you stop worrying so much about me."
She then starts to caress my head.
"You don't have to be in such a rush, it's fine to take things one step at a time."
Her strokes are so soft, every single one of them.
"Before thinking about me, you should put yourself first. Achieve your dream for yourself and not for anyone else's sake."
Those words awaken a sensation within me from long ago. I remember my original reason for wanting to become an author: so that I could become an author like Maple Satou. Just like Mape Satou, I want to be someone who is able to write stories with their head held up high. Those feelings are the most important for me. As Rin just said, it's my feelings that are the most important, not hers.
"You're right..."
I bring my body closer to Rin's.
"That's how it should be."
I bury my face on Rin's shoulders. That sweet familiar smell hits my nose. I can feel her heat, and yet her body feels so soft.
"I was... a bit too impatient."
Her warmth, smell, everything about her body infuses into me as I speak.
"If I keep going like this... I might break."
I can definitely feel my body acting all weird. I made Rin worry because of it. Even though I was slowly destroying myself with my lifestyle, once my switch was flipped, there was no stopping me. Just like Rin said, I had tunnel vision and I couldn't see anything else.
"I really did misjudge everything..."
I can't just leave it as is, I have to show Rin that I truly have changed for the better.
"I'll write at my own pace from now on."
Saying that, it not only calms me down, but Rin as well.
"Yes..."
For the first time today, I was able to hear a spark of joy in Rin's voice. Now at peace, Rin's loosen her grip around me. In exchange, I cling onto Rin even more.
"You know..."
My tone of voice is light as I open my mouth.
"I'll make sure once I grow up, I'll become an author."
I make sure to convey all my emotions to Rin.
"You can do it, Tohru-kun."
Yet again. Rin cheers me on.
"I guarantee that Tohru-kun will do his best and that one day, you'll definitely achieve your dream."
The way Rin's speaking, it's like how I would write a scene. I never told Rin my username on Syosetu nor does she know about the novel I'm currently writing. I'm sure she doesn't know what I'm even writing about anyways. That's why it's probably just a coincidence and nothing else.
Well anyways, my confidence is being able to do this is mostly baseless, but even so, nothing can change the happiness that I'm feeling.
"Thank you so much Rin."
"No worries."
Once again, I hold onto Rin's body. We stay like that for a while in silence, soaking in each other's warmth.