<< r e i j i >>
"REIJI, LET'S APPLY FOR THE SAME UNIVERSITY IN CENTRAL CITY."
One ordinary afternoon from our highschool days, while on cleaning duty, Yuma blurted out the words I've been thinking a lot for the past few months. My hand stopped wiping the board, not believing what I just heard.
When I turned to look at Yuma, to confirm if he's being serious or not, I found him standing by the window, golden-hued afternoon sunlight idly grazing against his face as he stared off outside engrossed in his own thoughts. For a moment, I stared at him in awe, it sure was a sight to behold.
When he didn't hear a response, Yuma turned to my direction. A sense of belonging suddenly washed over me with no rhyme or reason.
"We can share an apartment. We will divide the house chores, study together. Then on the weekend, we can go out for some drinks. " He added, "Sounds fun, right, Reiji?"
Truth is, I haven't really thought about what I want to do after highschool. My first career counseling with our homeroom teacher was nothing but a depressing attempt. Contrary to Yuma, he already had his whole life planned out. And I'm afraid to be left behind.
A hopeful smile spread across my face, "Yeah. Let's do that, Yuma."
At the next career counseling session, I told our teacher about my new plan, laid out for me by Yuma. We'll apply at Central University and we'll both apply for Multimedia Arts. It's better than having nothing and it's better than parting with Yuma.
He's the only person who accepted me for who I am. He's my dear friend. He's like a brother to me.
Yuma and I studied together. And I studied my ass off. I know nothing about arts but I take pride in my ability to learn fast. Days went by so fast, then suddenly we're in our last year in senior high, and we're taking our entrance exam for the university.
Yuma and I both passed for Central University. After we graduated, we were already busy preparing to move out to our first shared apartment.
I remembered how excited and happy I was as I packed my stuff into boxes, as if I was just going on a trip with Yuma, but this time we're actually starting to live together.
Our first year in college was a blur. We would go to uni together, study together and have fun during weekends, just like what we initially planned. We met new people and became friends with some of them. Being in a new city, new school, new environment was a breath of fresh air. Plus, the students were more open-minded and accepting of my preference. I felt more free.
We were in the last semester of second year when Yuma suddenly announced that he got a girlfriend. Yuma just got back home that night; he was doing a project with his classmates for one of his seminar, one that I didn't sign up for. I was lying on the sofa, playing with my phone, when he happily and excitedly told me about it while taking his shoes off at the entrance.
"Huh? Who is it?" I sat up, "Is it Hana-chan?"
He walked towards me and sat at the other end of the sofa, grinning like he just won the lottery. "Hana? No. Her name's Aya. She's my classmate in this seminar, she's also part of my group in this project."
I was speechless for a good five seconds, there's just too many questions popping in my head that I didn't know what to ask first.
'Who confessed to who?'
'What does she look like?'
'When did you start being attracted to her?'
'Do you really like her?'
Yuma leaned closer, studying my face. "You looked so surprised, Reiji?!" He laughed.
"I—" I shook my head, "I just didn't expect it… Besides, I've always thought your first girlfriend will be someone I know as well."
Yuma patted my shoulder, "Don't worry, Reiji. I will introduce her to you one of these days."
"S-Sure." There was a sharp pain in my chest, like my heart was being pricked by a thousand needles all at the same time. "Well… congrats Yuma. I wish for your happiness."
"Yeah. Thanks man."
---
Aya was a really pretty girl with her straight black hair hanging just past her shoulders, big and bright eyes, her height and small frame matches perfectly to Yuma's. Plus, she's kind and sweet too. Surely, she's everything that Yuma dreamed of. It didn't take long for me to realize who confessed to who, because nothing was more apparent than Yuma being head over heels for her.
As Yuma's best friend, it's my job to wish and cheer for his happiness. From the start, it was the easiest job in the world. Knowing that he's happy makes me happy too, and seeing his smile makes me smile as well. But lately, it has become too taxing. And watching a smile spread across Yuma's face as he looks at her, or even when he's just talking about her, stirs up a weird and uncomfortable feeling in every corner of my heart. As if his smile turned into a poison that was slowly killing me, in the most painful way possible.
I don't know why I feel this way. Is it because Yuma couldn't spend as much time with me as before? Is it because he'd rather be with his girlfriend every weekend? Or is it because he would often not come back home and he just spends the night somewhere else?
Our home became eerily quiet, and cold.
---
One ordinary night, while Yuma was spending the night with his girlfriend, I was alone in the apartment, watching porn inside my room. At one point, I already stopped counting how many I've watched and how many times I've jerked myself. But none of them felt good, nothing was satisfying enough, like there was a hole in my chest and nothing could fill it in.
I am starting to feel really frustrated. Why am I feeling this way?
Then I saw one video with a guy who looked a bit like Yuma. He was really passionate, his junk was so big and girthy. I started touching myself once again, and everytime he pounded on the other guy's ass, his ragged breathing, moans, and his deep voice muttering 'fuck' would send a sensation into my ears that was turning me the fuck on. I closed my eyes and imagined I was the one he's fucking. I imagined him on top of me, looking over me with such lust in his eyes. I imagined moaning and panting at the top of my lungs, while calling out his name…
"Yuma..."
And I came.
It was only after I came, when I realized what I just did. How could I do that to my best friend? I should feel disgusted about what I did, but the pleasure and sexual satisfaction was too immense to ignore.