<< e i s u k e >>
FOR THE SECOND TIME, I HAD TO TRANSFER SCHOOL.
Since the relative that will take me in lived far from my grandmother's house, far from my current school.
During grandma's funeral, I patiently, and anxiously, waited for mom, since the neighbors said she would come to take care of grandma's burial. I remember running as fast as I could the moment I saw her walking towards the house. I hugged her and cried saying how much I've been waiting for her. My tears won't stop streaming down my face as I kept telling her I wanted to live with her again.
It just broke me into pieces when she peeled me off her and just continued walking to the house. I followed her and heard her make a phone call to this person that's not my dad.
The next day, dad also came by along with a man, whom they introduced as mom's younger brother. My uncle. As soon as they arrived, dad and mom went to grandma's room to talk. For a moment, there was a glimmer of hope springing up in my heart that things will go back to how it used to be.
That, mom and dad will reconcile and we'll return back to our house. Our home.
But not even a minute passed since they talked, I heard dad yelling.
"Why didn't you bring your son with you?"
"I will bring Eisuke with me and then what? You're gonna live as if you're an unmarried young man and have a carefree, happy life? Eisuke is also your son!"
Uncle was standing beside me, by the window, smoking a cigarette. Even though he could also hear my parents shouting, he didn't even bat an eye about it, he just kept smoking while looking outside the window. I was looking up at him and I remember thinking, while looking at his calm face, how nice it was to be older and not be bothered by such things.
Mom arranged my transfer papers and she made me come along with my uncle.
I remember her parting words for me, "Always listen to your uncle. Don't cause him problems."
Uncle and I rode a bus for hours before we arrived at his small apartment. Only then I learned that he didn't have a wife nor children. He was three years younger than mom and was living by himself.
As soon as I entered his apartment, the first thing that greeted me was the lingering stale scent of nicotine – burnt, ashen, and acrid. My eyes started watering and I felt sick to my stomach. And as I looked around, the apartment was in a mess with cigarette butts littering all over the table and counters.
"Eisuke, right?" He asked in his deep raspy voice.
I nodded.
"Just make yourself at home. I am a freelancer that's why I am currently working from home. I work mostly at night and I sleep during the day, so I won't be able to look after you. You're old enough to prepare for school on your own, right?
Again, I just nodded.
He stared at me for a good five seconds before shaking his head and pulling out a new stick of cigarette.
Uncle's apartment only has one bedroom, he sleeps there and works there, while I settled on one corner of the living room and made it my safe space. At first, I didn't even have my own cabinet for my clothes so I ended up using an empty box from am*zon that I found lying around in the kitchen and used it as storage for my clothes. Later on, uncle ordered a small detachable plastic storage for me.
When I started going to school, I would wake up early to clean the apartment and to prepare a simple breakfast. Uncle was very lenient, he didn't impose any sort of rules on me and he never asked me to do something for him. When he told me to feel at home, he really meant it as if we're living in two separate spaces. He was spending almost all of his time inside his room, and the only time I saw him go out was when he's going to use the bathroom, to get food and to smoke.
And no matter how much I clean the house every morning, there will always be new litters of cigarette butts and ashes lying around on the table and on the counters every time I get back home. His huge ashtray will always be filled by the end of the day.
All through the night, even as I was sleeping, or at least trying to, I could still smell the smoke coming from his room.
Even my uniform smelled like nicotine. And it almost got me in trouble at school. Because of this, my classmates would look at me differently. Nobody's trying to approach me, instead everyone's keeping a distance, as if I have a contagious disease. At first, I was devastated but later on I realized it was for the best. It doesn't matter if I make friends here or not, It's only a matter of time until I transfer to another school again anyways.
Somehow, I enjoyed my new found freedom while living with my uncle. Even if I come back home late, he won't scold me, he won't even ask where I've been and why I was late. He just doesn't care as long as I get back.
One weekend, uncle was trying to pass time in the living room while I worked on my homework. He was blowing smoke after smoke, lighting up cigarette after cigarette until I couldn't help but fall into a coughing pit.
He watched me coughing my lungs out with an amused expression.
"Oh, sorry 'bout that."
I tried to calm myself but the effect of all that smoke in my system was too much for me to handle.
Uncle leaned closer to me, bringing the cigarette between his fingers up to my line of sight. "Hey kid, have you ever tried this?"
I shook my head. Of course not, what would he expect from a 12 years old?
"Do you want to try?" He wagged the stick in front of me with big smile plastered on his stupid face. "Come on, try it. When I was your age, I already puffed at least one."
I studied his face trying to see if he was only making fun of me but he kept on persuading me telling me it's fine.
My young mind at that time thought that if uncle said it's fine then maybe it's really okay to do it. He even said he already tried it when he was my age.
So I carefully took the cigarette from his hand and placed the end in between my lips, trying to imitate him.
"Go on, try to inhale through your mouth, Eisuke. Suck the smoke in."
I did as he instructed only that I didn't know any better and ended up in another coughing fit. Up to this day, I could still remember how much my throat and chest hurt from that first attempt. But of course, it didn't end in just a single try.
At 12, I learned how to smoke. I didn't enjoy it but because of this, for the first time, I felt a connection with my uncle.
---
During summer vacation, just before the start of my seventh grade, Dad visited and told me to pack my things because I'll be living with him in his new home.
At first I thought, finally mom and dad made up and we'll live together again. I was happy and excited. I asked dad where's mom but he didn't answer. I don't know where I got the idea that mom was at home preparing my favorite meals. Only then did I realize how much I missed mom's food.
I excitedly packed my things, thanked my Uncle and said goodbye.
I don't remember how long dad drove but I do remember sitting at the back of the car and the whole car ride, dad didn't say a single thing to me.
Dad pulled up in front of this expensive looking pastry shop and got out of the car after telling me to stay and behave myself. I actually wanted to go and take a look inside the shop too but since dad told me to stay here, I just watched him go inside the shop.
After a few minutes, he came back carrying a white box with the name and logo of the shop printed on top of it in red ink. The car was immediately filled with this sweet sugary smell, obviously coming from inside the box.
When we finally arrived at our new house, before hopping off the car, dad said…
"I am letting you stay here only because Lisa and Damian took pity on you and asked me if you could just stay here and live with us. So, be thankful to them. Listen to everything they say and help Lisa with the chores." He paused, opening the car door beside him. "And don't cause any kind of trouble for me."
For a moment, I don't get what he's saying. In my mind I kept asking 'Who's Lisa?', 'Who's Damian?' and 'What does dad mean when he said they took pity on me?'
Some of my questions were answered when I entered the house. A young boy, probably 5 or 6 years old, ran to dad's arms while calling him 'Papa'. I stood frozen and watched as dad scooped the little kid up. The kid wrapped his small arms around dad's neck while giving him a peck on the cheeks.
'Wait. That's my dad… Why are you calling him papa? And why is he acting as if he's papa's son? That should be me.'
I don't know if it was jealousy or anger brewing inside of me as I watched this awful scenario. When I looked up, a pair of deep blue eyes was already looking at me. The owner of those eyes was a young woman with hair the same color as honey. She smiled at me but I only felt disgusted by it.
"Eisuke, here's Lisa, my wife and your stepmother. And this kid is Damian, your stepbrother."
Dad introduced us. Lisa and Damian smiled at me but I didn't, and honestly, I didn't know what kind of face I was making at that time.
"How was your trip, Eisuke?" Lisa asked.
What stepmother? What stepbrother?
Where's my mom? I don't know them, why are they here?
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain on the skin of my back. I looked up behind me and found dad looking at me with threatening eyes.
"Why are you not answering, Eisuke? Your stepmom asked you a question?"
"Ah…" My throat was awfully dry, I haven't had a single drop of water since we left Uncle's house. But that was not the case, I really don't want to have anything to do with these people that even pushing a word out my throat felt so painful. "I-its fine…"
"Older brother?!"
"Damian, you should call him Brother Eisuke." Lisa said in a sweet gentle voice, the very same way mom would talk to me before.
"Brother Eisuke?!" Damian, this little kid, was looking at me with such innocent bright eyes. I know he did nothing wrong and he doesn't understand the situation yet but I can't bring myself to even smile at him. Hearing him call me brother only made me feel annoyed and irritated.
"Yeah."
Lisa showed me a small empty bedroom. I said empty not because there was no furniture — there was actually a makeshift bed, a small table and chair and a built-in cabinet for my clothes, but because the room felt so empty and cold. It was the farthest room on the 2nd floor and, according to Lisa, it used to be a storage room so they haven't installed Air-conditioning yet.
Somehow, part of me was glad because I have a room of my own and it's far from everyone's rooms. When I'm not needed in the house, I could just shut myself in.
Again, I also had to transfer into a new school. At this point, I grew numb and tired moving school after another, meeting new people every single time. At first, I tried to fit in, make new friends, learn to love the new environment but every effort I made was all in vain.
Also, it became a natural thing for me to think 'I will leave again soon enough, I'd rather not waste my time and effort.'
I didn't bother trying to get along with my classmates, and because of that I had no friends and I was called 'Ice Prince Transferee'.
At home, it was almost the same as the old home I used to have, except, mom was not here. Dad would go to work in the morning, Lisa would prepare breakfast, she Would drop off and then later pick up Damian from kindergarten and all those household chores.
After a few days of staying with them, I could now see what was the biggest difference of this family from ours — dad was happy, Lisa was happy, and Damian, their son, was happy. The scenario of Dad, Mom and I being this happy and peaceful was already a faded memory buried under countless days filled with despair, agony and fear from dad and mom's constant fights.
Deep in my heart, for the first time, I recognized jealousy.
Lisa was gentle and kind but I couldn't help but feel anger towards her and blame her for stealing dad from us. I helped her with the chores but only because dad told me to.
---
The day of my birthday came. It's been years since I celebrated my birthday, that's why it never crossed my mind that this day will be any different.
I got up, went to school, hung out for a bit in the arcade, then went back home like every other normal day, but when I got home I was immediately greeted by Damian shouting 'Happy Birthday' to me. He was wearing a small party hat over his head and a blue balloon was tied into his right wrist. Before I could react, he grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen and I was surprised by what was waiting for me — there were foods on the table, a large cake in the middle, and balloons tied to every chair.
What surprised me the most was seeing dad standing beside Lisa. Lisa looked genuinely happy, dad was smiling as he watched Damian excitedly leading me into the kitchen, but when his eyes met mine, his smile disappeared and was replaced with annoyance. But when he returned his gaze to Damian, that stupid smile was back on his stupid face.
Is this supposed to be a celebration of my birthday? Maybe, it was meant to be that way except the focus of attention was to somebody else.
It honestly didn't matter. I couldn't even care less.
We ate together, Damian sang the birthday song before we ate the cake, Lisa and Dad were giggling and laughing as they watched little Damian being cute, Lisa talked to me every now and then but my answers to her questions were short and simple.
The foods Lisa cooked were always tasty but this time I couldn't taste a single thing. I just wanted this whole charade to be over and get back to my room.
I was washing the dishes when dad stood beside me.
"You should properly say your thanks to Damian and Lisa. They were the ones who insisted on giving you a birthday celebration." His voice was so cold that if somebody heard him, nobody would think that he's talking to his own son.
My chest tightened and in a blink of an eye, my whole body was washed over by all consuming rage and pain.
"Who told you I wanted to celebrate?" I muttered sarcastically underneath my breath but loud enough so he could hear.
"What did you say?!" Dad snapped.
I put down the dish I was holding and then turned to face him, "If you guys wanted to celebrate, you should've just celebrated on your own. You should've just left me out of it."
"You son of a b*tch!"
Before I realized it, I already felt the impact of dad's palm hitting my left cheek. It stung but the rush of anger, hatred and disgust all throughout my body was numbing the physical pain.
He grabbed the rolling pin from the counter and then hit me with it on my right arm. Hitting me over and over while shouting into my face, his face red from anger.
"You ungrateful bastard! You're just like your mom!"
"I've given you home, I fed you, I let you go to school and that's the attitude you're giving me?!"
I don't remember how many times he hit me but I remember Lisa coming over to the kitchen and stopped my dad from his rage.
My body hurt the whole night, there were painful bruises all over my arm, and when I woke up the next day, I was burning with fever. Dad didn't let me go out of my room for a whole week except for the time I had to go to the bathroom. Even my food was being delivered and left right outside my door.
After that incident, my relationship with my dad turned to the worst. He didn't bother talking to me again, he ignored me as if I wasn't even in the house, the only times he would remember that I was there was when I did something he didn't want and he would slap me or punch me or hit me with anything.
Because of this, I just completely ignore Lisa and Damian even though sometimes they would try to have conversations with me. Damian probably had no idea of what was happening but dad wouldn't let him approach me anymore.
I just wanted them to treat me as if I wasn't there. I want them to leave me alone.
---
I began to mingle with random shady people hanging out on the back alleys and parks at night. At first, they would scorn me, basically a child, trying to find my place in their domain. A penniless kid wouldn't pique their interest, they wouldn't even spare him a glance.
So I just minded my own and puffed cigarettes. At least in that place, no one will care whatever I do.
"Oi. Aren't you too young to be puffin' that thing?"
I glanced up at the man who approached me. He's wearing a faded black shirt and tattered jeans but he didn't look homeless. Despite the messy attire, he's quite clean shaven and he didn't smell gross, just the familiar scent of nicotine.
"Why? Are you going to stop me?" I deadpanned.
He suddenly started laughing, all the other guys, hanging around near us, glanced at our direction.
"Huh? Why would I stop you? Are you my kid?"
"Right. Even my parents didn't stop me."
Well, they didn't stop me because they didn't know but what's the difference? It's not like they even care for me.
Later on, this guy told me his name, Leon, or at least that's what he was called here. Through Leon, I was finally welcomed and got to know some people. I got to learn and hear many stories from them from simple hacks and DIYs, gambling, to their stories of petty crimes and run-ins with the police.
One day, the school discovered that I was hanging out in that place after class and they immediately told my dad. I tried not to skip class to not alert the teachers, especially my dad, but one unlucky day, one teacher saw me hanging out with Leon and the guys.
They called dad over to my school, they talked and kind of reprimanded him, and as soon as we entered the house, he slapped me so hard on the face I bit my lip and eventually I tasted blood.
"If only I knew you'd bring me this much trouble and shame, I shouldn't have picked you up from your useless uncle! You dared ruin my image as a father in front of the teachers!"
I looked him dead in the eye. I couldn't feel anything for this man anymore, even my anger didn't deserve this kind of person.
"What image were you trying to protect? You're not even a father to me. You're more useless than my uncle."
After that incident, dad lost all of his patience with me. He was about to put me in an orphanage when Auntie, Yuma's mom and dad's sister-in-law, called dad and scolded him about his decision.
I remember, we would visit them during summer vacations and I would stay with them for a week or two to play with Yuma and his friend. I was really close to their family, that's why they were so mad when they found out Dad was planning to put me in an orphanage.
That same week, Auntie and Uncle, dad's older brother, picked me up and they talked. I remember hearing Uncle say before I went upstairs to pick up my stuffs,
"How could you even think about taking your own child to the orphanage? If you don't want to live with Eisuke, we will take him. We're so disappointed in you, Akito."
king's gambit chapter 14 part 2//end