<< e i s u k e >>
I ONLY HAD WHAT SEEMED LIKE A DISTANT MEMORY OF MY MOM RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME WHEN I WAS TEN, ONLY THAT IT KEPT COMING BACK TO ME AS A NEVER ENDING NIGHTMARE.
In my dream, I woke up in the middle of the night shivering— the room was pitch black, a cold breeze entering the room through the widely opened window and a faint sound of restrained sobbing could be heard coming from outside.
"Ma?" I got up and tried to find where the voice was coming from. I left the room and found the whole house was dark aside from the one room with a slightly open door. I quietly walked towards it and as I walked closer, the sound of someone crying was also getting louder.
It was mom's voice. And when I took a peek through the gap on the door, I saw mom's back quivering as she quickly slid pieces of clothes into this large black duffel bag sitting right beside her while she was also slumped on the floor herself.
I opened the door slowly, she was too focused on what she's doing, and also from crying, to even notice that I was already behind her.
I just stood behind and watched her, not saying anything, not a single noise, maybe I even held my breath. When the clothes from the drawer were all transferred into the bag, she then reached out to the one next to it, opened it, and continued packing everything up, one by one.
Her sobbing filled the room. I opened my mouth to call her but no words came out, instead I just took a few more steps to get closer to her, with each step I pray she'll turn around and look at me with loving and gentle eyes and tell me in such sweet voice, 'Eisuke, let's go back to bed' like she used to do everytime I woke up in the middle of my sleep.
Except she didn't.
When she finally noticed me she didn't even turn to look at me. She just paused on what she's doing and took a deep, heavy breath.
"Why are you not sleeping, Eisuke?" Her voice was quiet but it was as cold as the wind coming inside the room. And I just noticed, even the windows in dad and mom's room were all open.
"W-What are you doing?" My voice cracked but I'm relieved I could speak.
There was a long silent pause. My heart was pounding, I'm starting to be scared of what she's going to say.
"Go back to your room, Eisuke." She commanded. She still hasn't moved from her position, she still hasn't turned to look at me.
"Are you going somewhere? Where are you going?" I ran to my mom and held onto her arm. She still wouldn't look at me. Even if I tug her arms over and over, her body would just lightly sway by a kid's force but her gaze won't even leave the floor she's been staring at.
"Are you going to papa? Can I come with you? I want to see papa too…" I tightened my grip on her arm.
I was surprised when she suddenly pulled her arm, her warmth was gone instantly. "I said go back to your room! Don't make me repeat myself, Eisuke!"
My heart dropped from mom's sudden outburst. She would raise her voice when she and dad were fighting but never to me. After their fights, every single night, she would tuck me into the bed and would never fail to say good night in her softest voice.
This person in front of me is not my mom. I don't recognize this person wearing her kind face.
Before she walked out the front door, she said to me without looking back…
"I'm sorry, Eisuke."
I was too young to understand the weight of the situation. After mom left that night, the house suddenly became eerily quiet. I remember sitting in the dark living room that whole night, I couldn't even remember if I was able to fall asleep. But I certainly believed that mom would come back home and dad would be with her.
Except she never did.
Only Dad came back home later that day. When he opened the front door and found me sitting on the floor still in my pajamas and with the house being dead silent, as if no one was living here, he knew that mom was gone.
"Papa…" I lifted myself to stand up by my legs had fell asleep from sitting for too long, without moving much. "Where's mom?"
He stared at me with such cold eyes, which sent shivers down my spine, before throwing his hand bag on the sofa.
"Fvck this, Misaki. If you're going to leave you should have brought your son with you." He said under his breath before walking up to me. "Your mom left us, Eisuke."
---
Days without mom turned into weeks. Dad would leave the house in the morning to go to work only leaving some money for me on the dining table. While I would wake up in a quiet house.
At the start, as soon as I woke up, I would look around the house hoping mom had come back and she'd greet me 'good morning, Eisuke' with her usual gentle smile, like she used to do everyday before she left. But after a few weeks of waking up in an empty home, somehow, I've just gotten used along with my hope that she'll come back slowly going down the drain.
I would prepare to go to school by myself, do my homeworks by myself, buy my own dinner and eat by myself but sometimes I miss mom's cooking and would just skip dinner, and at last, I sleep alone at night. And when I wake up the next day, I'm still alone in the house.
One night I dreamt of that one time when mom and dad were fighting— their shouting and screaming were louder and scarier than before and there were sounds of things crashing on the wall and glasses shattering. I was hiding in my room, curled up in one corner, praying for them to stop fighting. I promised to whoever's listening to my prayer, if there's even one, that I will be a good kid, just make my parents stop screaming and fighting.
But man, whoever was responsible for granting prayers sure has a weird sense of humour.
One night, two months passed since mom left, dad finally called my name again.
"Eisuke, next week you will start living with your uncle. So you should pack up your things now."
My jaw dropped as questions after questions started popping up in my little head.
Why do I have to go and live at Uncle's house if we already have one?
Am I going there alone?
What about dad? Is he going with me?
So many questions but none of them I could even mutter to ask. I just blindly followed my dad's orders and before I knew it I started living with my uncle and his family.
The moment I stepped foot into their home, Uncle and Auntie laid out all the rules I have to follow while I'm living under their roof. I was a young, naive and frightened kid that time so I really had no choice but to obey and follow those rules. One of them was doing the house chores. I should clean the house before I go to school and wash the dishes, fold the laundry, prepare the bath and run errands after school. And obviously, I was supposed to go home as soon as my classes ended.
The only good thing was that I didn't have to transfer school even though Uncle's house was much farther to my school. I was just glad I could still see my friends even though I could no longer hang out with them after class.
My uncle and his wife were both strict. They have two children whom they doted on so much. Auntie told me one time, as she was scolding me after I went home a bit late, that she only allowed me to stay with them so that someone has to help with the chores because my cousins were busy with school and club activities. She even said, and I wanted to believe, out of anger, that if I'm not going to do what I'm supposed to do while living with them then I should just find my dad and live with him.
Because of that, I also found out that Dad left our house as well. No one knew where he went, maybe he got a job transfer or maybe he also left his job and moved far away. My uncle didn't have a single idea where dad was and he didn't even care what he's doing with his life as long as he sent my living expenses to them on time.
I stayed with them for only 4 months. After the school year ended, the thing I fear most happened.
In my sixth grade I had to transfer school. And I also started living with my grandmother on my mom's side.
---
Grandma was really kind to me, just like mom. She would cook me breakfast before I go to school and when I arrived back home there were foods waiting for me. Everytime I would help her with the chores, she would thank me and pat my head while saying that I'm a good kid, though she would also say that I should just play with the kids my age outside. Before going to bed, she would tell me stories about mom and when I was still a baby.
After living in a cold, quiet, and terrible place, I almost forgot how living in a warm home feels like but thanks to my grandma I remembered how family was supposed to be like.
Of course I still miss my parents and I believe one day they will come pick me up and will tell me that we'll live together again but until then I want to stay here with my grandma.
Even my new classmates were nice and friendly. I didn't have a hard time adjusting and making new friends. Finally, I found myself smiling and laughing again.
But life sure has a terrible sense of humour.
Two months after living with my grandma, she suddenly suffered from a heart attack and died while I was at school.