< m i s a o >
'Toshiro, are you feeling unwell? You didn't attend the morning class…'
Send.
I stared at my phone waiting for a reply until I saw the 'delivered' mark turned 'seen' then nothing. I waited a few minutes more but there came nothing.
I know that my confession last night shocked Toshiro but I didn't expect that he'll avoid me so obviously like this. He is the type of person who says what's on his mind with a smile on his face. I've seen him had a few quarrels with our other classmates but he would always face them head on. He don't actually like being on a disagreement with someone.
It bothers me but it is my fault in the first place. I just went on and selfishly announced my feelings for him. But at that moment, it felt right. It seemed like the perfect time to tell him I like him and I ended up ruining his special day.
But I already made up my mind to pursue him. I have to, at least, try and make him like me romantically, even for a bit. Even for a tiny bit.
"Are you okay, Misao?" Keita placed his hand over my right shoulder pulling me out from my thoughts. I glanced at him and saw worry plastered on his face.
"I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."
"For sure that guy, Toshiro, was extremely shocked about what happened during his birthday." Fumihiro commented, rolling his eyes away.
"Fumihiro?" Keita called out.
"Why? Did I say anything wrong? Even everyone else was caught off guard." Fumihiro then threw me a menacing look while gently shaking his head, "Toshiro trusted you man… he might feel like you betrayed him."
"I didn't do anything wrong, I just told him how I feel."
He scoffed. "You should have kept it for yourself, Misao."
Fumihiro is being openly hostile towards me. He and Toshiro had been friends since they were in high school. They've been friends for so long that I perfectly understand why he's acting that way. I don't mind if Fumihiro dislikes me now, but I won't be able to take if that's the case with Toshiro too.
"Fumihiro, just stop it please." Keita stepped in between us.
Suddenly, Fumihiro's phone beeped. He fished for it from his jean pockets and read the message. Then he looked back at me, smiling. Not the happy kind of smile but the one that'll give you shivers. Cold.
He showed his phone screen to me and Keita, "Toshiro is asking me to pick him up. He's in the courtyard."
He walked past Keita then stopping beside me as he whispered, "Seems like he doesn't want to see a certain someone."
We just followed Fumihiro with our eyes until he's out of sight, no one dared to speak waiting for the tension to die down.
Suddenly there was a gentle pat over my shoulder, "Misao, you don't have to mind him…"
"It's fine. I understand why he's angry."
---
When we arrived at the cafeteria to have our lunch, Youjin and Eisuke were already sitting on our usual table waiting for us. Youjin was waving happily to Keita as soon as he saw us approaching. It's kind of comforting to see Youjin.
"Just the two of you?" He asked.
"Ah, yeah. Fumihiro went to meet Toshiro."
"Huh? Why, where's Toshiro?" This time he gave me a quizzical look.
"He didn't attend our morning class."
Youjin paused for a second, "Ha? Don't tell me…"
'He's avoiding you?' It's too obvious.
I just shrugged my shoulders.
"Isn't it just a normal reaction for Toshiro?" Eisuke chimed in while looking bored as he took a spoonful of food into his mouth, "We all know that Toshiro is straight. That's why to be suddenly confessed to by a guy, and his close friend to boot, it would really surprise him and it doesn't matter how much a happy-go-lucky guy he is. But for sure, he's thinking about it seriously. In the first place, you are his precious friend and you are also important to him."
It is the first time I heard Eisuke talk this way with me and I'd be lying if I say that I was not reassured by his words. It made me smile. "I guess you're right, Eisuke."
I caught Keita and Youjin glanced at each other then they smiled as they ate their lunches.
"So, what's your plan now, Misao?" Youjin asked.
We all finished our lunches and we're just waiting before our next class.
"Maybe… I'll wait for Toshiro to calm down before I talk to him again…"
"I hope you won't give up on him."
"That's not in the plan Youjin." I smiled at him reassuringly. "I liked him for long I can't just give up now."
***
The lecture room was already half filled when Keita and I entered after lunch. My eyes instantly found Toshiro sitting beside Fumiro at the far end of the room. Our usual sit in the middle is vacant. I felt Keita patted my shoulder.
"Let's take our usual seat."
I followed him to our seat but my eyes were fixed on Toshiro. For a second our eyes met but he instantly averted his gaze pretending as if he never saw me as if I'm not here. I almost threw myself on the chair and my bag made a loud thud when it hit the table. I grabbed my phone and thought about sending Toshiro a message. I typed a few words in but erased it again, and again.
I'm not mad at him or whatever, it's just that I don't like this set up. I feel really bad for Keita, who's with me right now, he was their friend first.
"Keita… You should sit with them. I'm fine."
Keita turned at me in an instant, with his brows drawn in a straight line. "Huh? Why do you think I should do that?"
"Because you're sitting with me it'll look like you're taking my side when in fact they were your friends first…" He's listening to me with an unconvinced expression like he's asking me 'what the hell am I saying?' but that didn't fazed me, I just continued with my usual tone and expression. "It's just normal for you to join them instead, right?"
"I already told you Misao that I'm not taking any sides. We're not avoiding them, they were the one avoiding us." His lips curled into a reassuring smile as he gently tapped my shoulder. "Just stay there and chill, 'kay?"
"But in the first place, I am the reason why they're doing that. That's why I can't really blame them."
Keita pulled a notebook out from his bag and swiftly turned its pages until it landed to the page he likes. Then he said as he stares at the paper, "Look Misao, you confessed to a friend who is a guy while I confessed to Youjin who is also a friend and a guy. That doesn't make me any different from your situation. If they can't accept you because of that, doesn't the same goes for me?"
"But…"
"But?" He stopped reading his notes to glance back at me waiting for what I'm going to say next.
"I'm an outsider, Keita. It was Toshiro who found me and let me in your circle."
Keita suddenly closed his notebook then hit me with it. I jerked back and rubbed my arm.
"Outsider?! Why are you still thinking about that, Misao? Since then, Toshiro would always notice that you're alone and every time he really wanted to approach you and talk to you but his shyness would always take over him. I remember one time he said, It feels like you have this wall around you that's keeping people from coming close. You have no idea how happy he was when he first managed to talk to you."
He was talking quite fast I can't seem to process everything he revealed. "Ha?"
He patted my shoulder again. "That's what happened so don't ever say that you're an outsider If Toshiro heard you saying that he'll be really pissed." Then he flashed a big bright grin.
'But for sure, he's thinking about it seriously. In the first place, you are his precious friend and you are also important to him'
'I remember one time he said, It feels like you have this wall around you that's keeping people from coming close. You have no idea how happy he was when he first managed to talk to you.'
Somehow, Eisuke and Keita's words kept repeating in my head the whole period, I couldn't even concentrate on the lecture. They gave me more hope. They made me realized the more reasons why I can never give Toshiro up.
The reason why I fell in love with him.
***
Four excruciating days had passed but our everyday scenario didn't get any better. Toshiro is avoiding me still and it's still me and Keita who're always together (rather Keita would always accompany me). I came to notice that in the morning, when I just arrived at school, Keita is with Toshiro and Fumihiro but when he sees me enters the room he would instantly come to me and sit with me during the lectures.
Somehow, I'm relieved that Keita is still in good terms with them.
I was still sending messages to Toshiro on Messenger, asking about his day and the usual stuffs we would always talk about, but as always I was always left on read. The only thing that that I'm happy about is that he hasn't blocked me yet. And I hope he wouldn't.
"I really want to talk to him. But I don't want to scare him more than I already did if I just suddenly approach him and push my feelings onto him. I want to give him time to calm down, to think, to forgive me but… somehow I am getting a bit impatient. I'm scared my grim thoughts will eat my resolution and convince myself that this isn't going anywhere. I don't want to give up on him but I don't want to hurt him too."
"Hmmm?" Keita pressed his lips together as he thinks. "What me to try and talk to him?"
"Is that okay?"
"Well, it's fine with me but I can't guarantee that I can convince Toshiro."
"I know…" I unconsciously rubbed the back of my neck.
"Okay. I will try my best, Misao."
That was my conversation with Keita yesterday that led me to this situation.
Toshiro is sitting a few inches from where I am sitting, uncomfortable and awkward but no sign of anger or hatred at the very least. That made me glad to be honest. I'm trying to collect my thoughts and carefully considering the words I'll say so not to ruin this chance. He's willing to listen on what I have to say even though it's been days since he's ignoring me.
"What is it that you want to tell me, Misao?" He asked the second time.
I took a lungful of air bracing myself then let it out all at once. "I'm sorry Toshiro for telling you my feelings at that time. I figured it wasn't the right time and I was just caught up in the moment. Sorry for ruining your birthday. But… I never regret saying it. I wanted to tell you about my feelings since long ago but I can't muster my courage to say anything because I know this is what's going to happen."
"So, you already expected this to happen then why did you still do it?" He said as he turned to face me.
I stared at his eyes hoping he'll see how much I like him but I can't help but exhale a short laugh. "I am just an idiot who got jealous of Youjin and Keita's courage."
"Youjin and Keita?"
"I thought I saw my past self in them and I thought they'll somehow end up just like me, but no, they pushed past all their fears and 'what ifs' to chase what they really want, who they really are, and the things I never did and still afraid to do until now. I really love you Toshiro and I don't want this love to end like what I had in the past. I really want to treasure you and protect you and your happiness."
I heard Toshiro heaved a deep sigh. "Misao, I truly appreciate your feelings for me…but let's not forget the fact that I'm also a guy."
"Falling in love with a woman, falling in love with a man, what's the difference? It's still the same feelings of love that I want to treasure, right?"
He fell silent for God knows how long. I may seem like calm and composed on the outside but my body was actually trembling. The silence, his breathing, the sound of my heart pounding against my chest were coming at me all at once it's making me dizzy.
"What do you want me to do, Misao? No matter how much I think about it, I don't think I can return your feelings."
"Nothing. You don't have to do anything, Toshiro. Just stay who you are." I felt so relieved at this moment, I could give him a gentle and sincere smile. "I won't force you to accept me, I just want to show you how special and important you are to me."
He awkwardly scratched the corner of his eyebrow, "If you put it that way… then I guess its fine."
"So, can we still be friends?"
"Stupid! Who said we're F.O?!" He finally laughed. My heart is in pure bliss.
"F.O?"
"Friendship Over, caveman!" I seemed like the awkwardness and suffocating tension between Toshiro and me suddenly vanished. He was giggling so carefree in front of me and it made me realized that I was not the only one relieved by this conversation. Even Toshiro.
"But I will be extremely happy if you come to love me someday, Toshiro." I suggested.
He abruptly stopped from his laughter to give me a humorless smile. "Stupid!"