< t o s h i r o >
"THAT'S HOW I LOST HIM…"
Saki-san said under his breath, loud enough for me to hear but at the same time it felt like he didn't want me to. His voice was filled with loneliness but at the same time it sounded like a warning. His back – that was facing me—seemed so small in the darkness. Somehow, I have a feeling that he's crying but the only thing that could tell that was the blanket covering him.
He said this time with a threatening voice, "Would you just let Misao walk out from your life?"
Let's go back 7 hours ago...
IZAKAYA (PUB), MISAO'S BIRTHDAY.
"Guys, this is my friend from my hometown, Saki."
Misao nonchalantly introduced Saki-san to everyone as soon as he arrived at the pub we're currently at. Today is Misao's birthday and we're celebrating it on a weekday. Well, it's a good thing all of us doesn't have morning class tomorrow.
Oh, but I don't know about Saki-san.
I don't even have an idea if he's still in university…
"Hello, thank you for inviting me…." Saki-san greeted with a cheerful smile, his eyes travelled from Fumihiro, Eisuke, Youjin, Keita, until they met mine. "Hi Toshiro."
I just nodded.
"Hi Saki. I'm Keita. We heard a lot about you…" Keita said as Saki-san sat on the empty chair beside Misao. He made a subtle and quick glance at me whilst giving me a knowing smile.
"Really?" Saki's eyes brightened as he turned to look at Misao, corners of his mouth curved in a big gentle smile. "What did he said about me?"
"Well… that both of you were good friends in High school…" The confidence in Keita's voice faltered as he slowly became flustered. "Right, Youjin?"
"Why do I feel like everyone's heard about Saki-san except me?" Fumihiro chimed in, eyeing each one of us as if we intentionally left him out.
"It just so happened that we met Keita and Youjin last Saturday when I asked Misao to teach me… Earlier that day, Misao and I met Saki-san that's why… we just kind of talked about it." I explained to Fumihiro.
"And you're also with them Eisuke?" He turned swiftly to look at Eisuke.
"Nah… Youjin and Keita were on a date that day, why the heck would I be there?" Eisuke explained calmly as he took a sip on his beer. "Ah, but I heard about Saki-san. Youjin briefly told me about it."
Something clicked inside Fumihiro's head then he stared at me, throwing me a suspecting look. "What? You guys went on a double date without my knowledge?!"
"D-Double date?!"
"Toshiro, did you actually –"
"Fumihiro…" Misao interrupted, "It was not a double date. I won't even call it a date. We just happened to meet Youjin and Keita at the Ramen Shop after Toshiro finished his school work. He even paid for my meal as 'pay back'."
"What's the matter even if they actually went on a date? What is it to you? You're not even drunk yet, you're already acting that way…" Eisuke called out then he placed a bottle of beer in front of Fumihiro. "There. Drink first…"
I heard Youjin chuckled. "It would be nice if it really was a date, right Misao?"
Misao picked up pieces of meat from the griller then carefully dropped them on my plate. "Yeah."
There's a subtle smile on his lips that no one would even notice unless they're watching him closely. Misao's stern face can intimidate someone at first, and I'm not gonna lie, even I hesitated for a long time before approaching him. But later on, I found out that he's actually quite expressive in his own way. I know because I've been watching him for 4 years…
"Ah, just as I thought. Misao, you're dating Toshiro?" Saki-san leaned closer to Misao, their shoulders almost touching.
"No. Misao and I aren't like that. We're just friends."
Wait. 'Just as I thought' he said…
"Ha? Impossible! I really thought you guys are dating. You don't have to be shy, Toshiro. I know about Misao's preference."
Misao let out a sigh, "Saki, Toshiro and I are not dating 'kay?"
There was a sudden knot in the pit of my stomach when I saw Saki-san's smile grew bigger as he stared so gently at Misao. I know for sure, that's not the way one looks at a friend. I know, because that's how Misao looks at me.
AFTER CHATTING FOR A FEW HOURS, I found out that Saki-san is no longer a student. He and Misao were classmates before but Misao had to skip a year due to an incident they can't talk about. 'It's part of the past no need to bring it up', they said. But truth is, I want to know. I really do. There's a tiny part of me that was curious but more than that, I'm worried. Does it involve his health? His life? Does it have something to do with him not being in a good relationship with his dad?
I want to know about it so I won't end up unconsciously hurting him. So that, I'll know what to do if it involves his health. He's living in this town alone, he has no one watching over him. Taking care of him.
Misao and Saki-san were sitting across from me. I can't help but notice the way Saki-san treated Misao – the way he's fondly paying attention to him, the way he would touch him with every chance he got, the way he's looking after him.
There's no way they're just friends…
I immediately covered my mouth the moment I realized I almost let those words escaped my lips.
"Toshiro, are you okay?" Misao's gentle voice filled my ears despite the noise inside the pub.
I stood up without sparing him even a glance. "Yeah. Uhm, Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet for a bit."
I could hear their cheerful conversations as I walked my way to the comfort room. This was supposed to be a happy occasion – it's Misao's birthday for fuck's sake! I don't like that I'm feeling upset. Saki-san is Misao's friend and he even travelled far just to celebrate his birthday with us but… the more I realize the fact that Saki-san knows a lot about Misao that I didn't know I can't help but feel envious and mad to myself.
Are we really friends?
I just learned that he has a younger sister and that he likes cars. If not for Saki-san, I wouldn't even know about those trivial information about Misao. When will I even know?
"They're really getting along well than I thought…"
I instantly turned to the direction of the voice – it's Keita. I didn't notice he also entered the comfort room. Maybe, I was too deep in my thought. He stood in front of a urinal to take a leak.
"I mean, Misao and Saki." He continued when I didn't answer.
I pretended I was busy washing my hands, averting my gaze from Keita. "Why wouldn't they? They were best friends."
He snorted, "Best friends? Not buying that."
"Why?"
"Toshiro, you know exactly what I mean. I'm not blind and I'm not that dense to not notice how Saki looks at Misao, also how he tries to touch him every chance he gets." Keita walked in front of the sink, and then turned the faucet on to wash his hands. When he glanced up, our eyes met through the mirror. "You noticed that too. Right, Toshiro?"
'Yeah…'
"I don't get what you're trying to say, Keita."
I hurriedly left the comfort room. I thought I hated that I noticed it but I hated it more that someone actually said it to my face.
Misao was watching me as I returned to my seat. As always, with his stern face.
"Are you okay, Toshiro? You're not drunk yet, aren't you?" It's Saki-san.
I waved my hand, "Yeah. I'm fine."
"Saki-san, that guy's still sober." Fumihiro chimed in, looked like he's already quite tipsy. He seemed to have taken a liking to Saki-san. "Every time we hang out like this, we will not go home until Toshiro's totally wasted and unconscious. And every single time, Misao will take him back home."
"Really?" Saki-san glanced at me. He's really beautiful up close – a pair of eyes in hues of light brown; from caramel to chocolate, tiny freckles scattered over his cheeks and nose-bridge, his lips are thin but they're red as cherries.
I took another bottle of beer and poured all of the liquid into my cup, then I proceeded to gulp everything down in one go. If I'm drunk and wasted, I wouldn't have to notice things that makes me upset on my own.
I don't like how my chest ached when I saw how close Misao and Saki-san were despite being away from each other for so long. They really look great together, there were sparkles flying around them, while I'm just an ordinary person in the background that nobody will take notice of.
Drink after drink, beer after beer… I drowned myself just to stop whatever is this I'm feeling. I don't like this. Misao is a 'dear' friend. If we can go back to the way it was before that confession, I won't lose him. He doesn't have to distance himself if he thinks I feel uncomfortable. He doesn't have to go if I can't return his feelings.
I was pulled out from my thoughts when I heard loud sound of bottles breaking, and then followed by Saki-san's desperate voice calling out Misao's name.
"Misao?! What's going on?!"
"Are you okay, Misao?!"
I heard Keita and Youjin yelling from beside me. Then, my eyes found Misao panic-stricken – there's no color on his face, his chest was pumping fast in a frantic attempt to breathe, and his hands were shaking terribly as he held on the table for dear life. His eyes were fixed on the floor where the servers were also in panic as they clean the mess.
"M-Misao?" I called out unsure if I was able to voice that out. I stood up trying to reach out to him. Why do I feel like he's so far from my reach? Why does it seem like he'll disappear anytime?
"I'm taking Misao outside to get some air." Saki-san stood up, helping Misao to get up from his seat. "Let's go Misao. It'll be fine. I'm here."
Before they left, Saki-san looked at me. "Please call me when they finished cleaning the broken glasses. Sorry…"
Misao couldn't even stand straight as they walked out of the pub. The rest of us were frozen, unsure of what just happened.
What happened? I wasn't paying attention.
I turned to Keita. "W-What happened to Misao?"
He shook his head, "I don't know. Misao suddenly froze when he saw those broken bottles on the floor, then he just panicked… I thought he was just surprised but when I saw his face turned pale and Saki, who's beside him, was also starting to worry about Misao, that's only when I realized that this is something serious."
Broken bottles? Is it a trauma?
But why? Why would Misao have such trauma?
How's Misao now? Could he breathe better now? Has he calmed down outside with Saki-san—
— he's with Saki-san, for sure he'll look after him well.
I felt someone touched my shoulder, when I glanced behind me it was Youjin. His face was so gentle and full of concern. "Toshiro, go ahead. Check on Misao for us."
As if a push on my back, I immediately stood up and I almost ran to the door.
I found Misao and Saki-san sitting at the bottom stoop in front of an apartment building not far from the pub.
"Are you okay, Misao?"
Saki-san looked up as he gently rubbed Misao's back trying to calm him. Misao still looked scared but at least the color of his face returned.
"He has calmed down. Sorry about the commotion earlier. It's just, Misao's—" Misao grabbed Saki-san's arm, stopping him from speaking. Saki looked at him, confused.
He doesn't want me to know?
I sat in front of Misao to have a better look of him. Our eyes met and I could almost see the fear and pain he's been through. As if I really could…
Whatever that was, I wanted to let him know that it's safe with me; so that I can be the one by his side protecting him.
"Misao…"
"Uhm…" Saki stood up. "Toshiro, please look after Misao for me. I will go back inside and check."
"Ah? Okay…"
"Sorry Toshiro…" Misao whispered as soon as Saki-san left. "I ruined the night…"
"What are you talking about?" I wanted to reach out to touch him and make sure he's physically here with me but I stopped myself. "Well… How are you feeling now? Are you hurt anywhere?"
"I'm fine now. Sorry you have to see me like this…" I heard him chuckled so softly as if he's still out of breath. "It was such a turn off. I was hoping you could enjoy yourself tonight that's why I was trying to control myself from drinking too much so I could take you back home later. I only wanted to show you my cool sides… But tonight I showed you this lame me instead. Sorry…"
"Could you stop saying 'sorry' over and over? I am your friend, it's natural I'll be worried."
He laughed under his breath. "Yeah… Yeah. Thank you for worrying about me Toshiro."
He carefully got up on his feet, he wobbled for a second, but then in a cheerful voice he said, "I'm completely fine now. Let's go back inside, Toshiro."
Are you really okay? Why were you trying so hard to look good in front of me? It doesn't matter; I want you to rely on me at least.
"Toshiro?"
I reached for his hand, "Misao… do you really like me?"
Checkmate chapter 8 // end