<< m i s a o >>
"WOULD YOU LIKE IT BETTER IF SAKI-SAN'S THE ONE WHO ENTERS YOUR ROOM?"
I felt all the blood drained out from my system the very second I heard Toshiro's voice. I immediately sat up to see if he really did enter my room, even though I am hundred per cent certain it was his voice.
I found Toshiro standing a few feet away from my bed and despite the darkness covering his face I can somehow sense the expression he has right now. The room felt so small for the two of us inside, I almost choked on nothing as I held my breath.
Questions started flooding in my mind, but my body sat frozen staring at his figure. I can't even fetch for a word to utter, just to break this unbearable silence. I tried to get up and sit at the edge of the bed, this time, I'm a feet closer to Toshiro. He's an arm's reach away from me. I have to gather all the strength I have just to stop my hands from reaching out and touch him.
"What's the matter? Can't sleep?"
Toshiro remained standing there, motionless. I tried to find the answer to my question in his eyes that were fixed on mine.
"Toshiro?"
"I-I used to have a guy friend…" He paused, swallowing a lump in his throat. "He was in loved with me."
There was a knot tightening up in the pit of my stomach but I waited for him to continue.
"He was someone who pulled me out from my comfort zone during highschool. We were always together, we get along so well, and I could say he was the very first person I could call my best friend. He was someone I was extremely grateful for. Who I am now, in front of you and everyone I know, is because of him. And because of him, I had the courage to approach you Misao and ask you to be my friend."
My grip on the bed sheet tightened, along with that annoying knot that I'm starting to feel nauseous with every word that comes out of his mouth.
Who is that guy? What's his relationship with Toshiro?
"I truly believed we'll be friends forever. I wanted him to stay by my side. And I, too, wanted to be beside him. But that day, our classmates found out about his love letter for me. I tried to brush it off by saying it was just him trying to play a prank on me but the expression on his face clearly says otherwise. I saw the disappointment and pain but I ignored it." Toshiro clenched his fists really hard he's trembling. He never once averted his gaze from mine, I could almost delve into his very soul. "At first, we didn't mind about that incident. We still hang out together, how we were before that, nothing changed. Until, that rumor about us started circulating around school. There was not a day we wouldn't hear people whispering on our backs. But we ignored them. At least, we tried to. I didn't notice I was unconsciously becoming uncomfortable about the whole situation and also being with him. I had no idea he was actually noticing it and that I was already hurting him."
Toshiro paused once again while I waited for him to continue. He was trying to hold his emotions from spilling all at once, he was trying not to burst-into-tears but he was clearly failing. His shoulders started shaking, and even though I could not see the tears flowing down his cheeks, I know he's crying his eyes out.
He sniffled as he prepared himself to continue. "He wished for us to distance each other for a while and at that time I was sure that was the right thing to do. I really thought hard about our situation and my feelings. Even though I couldn't return his feelings at least I could stay friends with him. I've made my decision to accept him no matter what was his preference, I was ready to acknowledge his feelings and protect him from people who'll bully him. I really don't want our friendship to end like that.
"But the days turned into weeks, months and then into years. Until now, I haven't talked or heard anything from him. I always wonder how he could forget me that easily. He didn't even gave me a chance to mend our friendship. I just wanted him to know that I still see him as who he is, and that won't ever change, he didn't have to disappear from my life."
Toshiro's restrained sobbing filled the room. I have no idea why he suddenly started telling me all of this but it felt like my chest was being stabbed, slow but so deep it reached my heart.
Before I knew it, my mind was filled with thoughts if I made the right decision of telling him how I feel. It seemed like I opened an unhealed wound he was trying so hard to cover all these years. I know, Toshiro treasures me so much as a friend, and yet here I am betraying him with my selfishness.
All his reactions towards me before and all the things he said were starting to make sense…
Why he fears I'll distance myself from him…
"I'm sorry Toshiro. I understand now…" I don't know if he could see it but I pulled everything in me to give him a reassuring smile, even though it pains me. "Don't worry. I promise that won't happen again, I won't leave you even if you dump me right now. We can go back to what we were before – friends, normal friends. I won't mind even if you forget my feelings for you. I promise. Please stop crying…"
He shook his head. "No. I can't do that. It's too late for that, Misao. How am I supposed to forget this when it's all I could think about? I don't want you to distance yourself from me but I definitely hate the idea of you getting close to somebody else. I'm jealous of Saki-san because he knows things about you that I haven't had the slightest idea about. I'm jealous of Saki-san because he can always come to your rescue and you rely on him. I'm jealous of Saki-san because even though you've been away with each other for so long, he could still say he likes you…"
'Huh? What the heck did Saki say to Toshiro?'
"I don't want to wait for you to give up on me before I could say that I wanted you to be mine."
"T-Toshiro… Do you even understand what you said?"
He carefully took a step closer, towards me, so close I'm scared he'll hear my heart pounding. "I won't deny what I feel anymore. I now know exactly what I want… Misao."
Am I actually dreaming right now? To be suddenly confessed to by Toshiro seemed too good to be true. My rapid heartbeat was ringing in my ears.
I lifted my hand reaching out to Toshiro's hand then gently took it into mine, lightly squeezing it as I felt his warmth, trying to prove to myself that he's actually here – right in front of me. My heart skipped a beat when he squeezed back and never let go, dispelling all my doubts.
"Is it okay for me to think that you like me too? Am I allowed to be this happy?" My voice was trembling, my hands and my whole body too. With just our hands touching, my whole body's already burning and I'm slowly melting with every beat of my heart.
Toshiro took a step forward, closing the distance between us, then his free hand cupped my cheek forcing me to look up at him. Before I knew it, his face was only an inch away and then his mouth crashed into mine. My body stiffened as I slowly process what was happening. This feels too good to be just a dream.
Toshiro slowly pulled back forcing our lips to part, and I miss him that instant. I then met his eyes and his gaze was so intense it sucked all my worries and doubts away.
"You deserve to be happy for the rest of your life, Misao. And I will make sure I'll be the one bringing you happiness." Toshiro said in his gentle voice, flashing a big-adorable smile before bringing his lips to touch mine in a soft, reassuring kiss.
This time, I am able to calm myself so I slowly move to nibble his lower lip which made Toshiro shiver a bit but he soon returned the kiss. It was a slow and gentle clumsy kiss, it felt like it could last forever. I can feel Toshiro's breathing trying to catch up to our lip's movements.
"M-Misao…"
To my surprise, Toshiro positioned himself on top of me, taking his place on my lap. He let go of my hand and then wrapped both of his arms around my neck pulling our bodies closer, completely eliminating the miniscule distance between us.
I caught a glimpse when Toshiro's eyes widen the moment our chest pressed against each other. I know for sure he felt how hard my heart was pounding, the hidden proof of how intense I feel for him.
"I like you so much Toshiro…."
He smirked for a second before it disappeared completely, "Then show me, Misao."
His words sparked the desire in me that I've always been trying to suppress. Like a 'go' signal from a traffic light on a crossroad I've been held on stop since forever, I could step hard on the gas pedal and go on full speed.
I claimed his lips once again, believing they now belong to me. They were soft and sweet, and I can taste them whenever I wanted. I won't get enough of this, I've been longing for this for so long.
Toshiro slightly parted his lips as an obvious invitation. And I humbly oblige. Slowly, my tongue made its way into his mouth where I met his instantly. They're soft too and warm. We took turns sucking each other's tongue, taking our sweet turns tasting this euphoric moment.
Toshiro let out a soft moan as I deepened our kiss, and then arching his back as he held onto me tighter. I ran my hand along his back, and I swear, I felt his body shivered along with my touch. I gradually opened my eyes, in an attempt to steal a glimpse of his face.
He was too engrossed sucking my lower lip, he didn't noticed that I am already watching him. He looked so cute with his desperate yet clumsy kisses. A switch was flipped inside of me as thoughts of how much I wanted to take him started to linger into my mind.
My right hand found its way into his shirt, brushing it along the skin of his back. It's smooth and cold against my touch but my fingertips were burning as if they're playing around with fire. Still, I can't get enough of this— I want more of him, I want to feel him, run my hand all over his body, kiss every nook and corners of it, and leave my marks all over, just my petty reassurance of him being mine. But I'm afraid it'll put Toshiro off. The last thing I wanted to happen was scaring him away.
So I summoned all my self-restrain to take my hands off of him, then laying them defeated over the bed.
I am kissing the person I like after being completely convinced there's no way he'll return my feelings. That should be enough for now. I'll let Toshiro set the pace, all I have to do is be patient.
"Misao? What's wrong?" I was brought back to my senses when I heard Toshiro's voice, his lips slightly brushing against mine as he speaks. He awkwardly averted his gaze, "Sorry… I am not good with this stuff. You should know you're the first person I've ever dated."
"Why are you apologizing, Toshiro?"
"It's just that… you took your hand away. I was wondering if you're getting bored with my kiss."
'Bored? Me?'
"Toshiro…" I felt stupid thinking about holding back, I can't help but let go of a sigh. "Do I look bored to you?"
I grabbed Toshiro's waist, pulling his lower half so he could feel my erection. His face became more flustered the instant he realized it.
"I was trying to hold back, Toshiro. I thought it's better to take things slow so that I won't scare you by acting on my own desire."
"I'm not scared…" He mumbled.
"Toshiro?"
He then took my hand and brought it over his crotch. And there, I felt it too. He's already hard underneath his pants. "I want you too, Misao."
checkmate chapter 11 // end