< m i s a o >
'Misao... Mom's in the hospital. Dad is on a business trip so he won't be here for a week. I hope you could come back here and visit mom. I hope to see you soon. We miss you brother.'
I couldn't sleep last night worrying about mom that's why I decided to go back home. I have to ditch school today but that's not what matters now.
And so I thought… I'm standing in front of mom's room here in the hospital but I can't bring myself to open the door. Am I scared? Maybe. I'm scared that all the memories and pain I tried to leave here will come rushing back. I'm scared that once I see mom's face, I won't be able to bring myself to leave again.
Still, I gathered my courage to reach for the door knob but worries and fears wash over me as I let it go.
"I-I'll just send a chat to Miki…" I sighed. As I turned around to leave, a familiar voice spoke from a distance.
"Misao?" It was Miki. Her face shows confusion at the same time her eyes can't hide her happiness. "You're here!"
"Miki?! Uhm… don't you have school today?"
"I was excused from class today. I want to take care of mom here." As she walks closer to me, her lips curved into a big smile. "I'm so happy to see you!"
She wrapped her arms around my waist bringing me into a hug. I can feel her happiness to finally see me. She must have missed me so much. And I do too. I missed Miki and mom.
I patted her head. My heart aches.
"Let's go see mommy!" She beamed as she released me from the hug.
"Okay."
Miki gently pushed the door often, careful not to cause a noise. She went inside first and I heard her greet our mom.
"Mommy! Mommy! Guess who's here to see you?"
"Hmmm? Who's it… Miki…" Mom traced her words as her eyes flew toward me as I ambled towards her. "M-Misao?" Her eyes immediately welled up then, almost immediately, drops of tears fell from both her eyes, running down her obviously thinned cheeks.
I took a few steps towards her, crossing the short distance between us, then she invited me for a hug in which I gladly accept. She weeps over my shoulder as she calls my name over and over. She's warm and her arms feel comfortable, just how I remember it to be.
"How are you feeling now?" I asked when she released me from the hug.
"The operation was successful. Sometimes the cut hurts but I'm okay There's nothing to worry about. Besides I'm happy that you came to see me. Wait… How did you know I'm here?"
"Miki sent me a message last night. She told me you're here."
Mom glanced at Miki then she smiled at her. "Thank you, Miki."
"No need to thank me, mommy. I'm just disappointed with dad." Miki crossed her arms in front of her. "He still left for that business trip even though he knows you'll have an operation. But I guess that's fine, at least we could see Misao now."
"Don't be like that Miki. That was an extremely important trip for your dad, that's why he can't cancel it." Mom's smile, this time, was filled with sadness.
"He didn't change even a tiny bit." Words spit out my mouth as I think of our dad. "His reputation and position are still the most important for him."
I tried to supress my anger for mom and Miki. It's been such a long time since we last saw each other and I want this to be a nice reunion, at the very least. But I can't help it. Every time I remember the awful things my dad did, I can't help but be filled with overwhelming anger."
I felt a hand grabbed mine. I looked down and it was mom. "It's fine, Misao. I'm fine. Besides, I'm happy because you're here."
That calmed me. Seeing my mom and sister smiling makes me feel okay.
It's been 4 years since I left home. More like, since I ran away. It never once felt home to begin with. Mom helped me. It was a sudden decision and mom knew at that time it won't be good and safe for me to stay in that house any longer.
I was despised by my dad when he found out I was gay. He was furious and extremely disappointed he beaten me to a pulp. I remember how my body became numb from the pain he inflicted on me, punches after punches until his own knuckles were bleeding. And he didn't stop from there. He was about to hit me with a metal when my mom took the hit instead of me. I was lying on the floor, my face swollen, my eyes can barely see, and I can taste blood in my mouth.
The whole time he's shouting how shameful, filthy and immoral I am. He's furious that I may bring shame to our family's reputation, to his reputation.
Somehow, I didn't care about what he says about me or how much he hurts me. But I can't let him hurt and say awful things to Saki, my best friend and then lover, too.
When the beating ended, he made me stay in my room, he took my phone and computer, for I don't remember how long. A week? Two? three? It might even be longer than I remember. He said I should learn and reflect on my filthiness. He said I should cure myself. That I should drill into my rotten brain that I am a son of a politician and I should not do things that will bring shame into his name. It was so sad. I was lonely but the thought of seeing Saki again gives me strength.
When I was finally allowed to go out, I found out that Saki was brought to UK by his family. I had no other means of communication to him. I can no longer contact his number and his social media accounts were deactivated. But I still believed, and hoped, that I'll hear from him again.
My mom was so scared that my dad might hurt me again that's why she kept on reminding me that I should be careful not to do the things that will make him mad. He has his eyes on my every move. Even just by talking with my male classmate, can trigger his anger and he'll end up beating me when he comes back home. So I just stopped talking to anyone.
That house had nothing but miserable memories and I never plan to step foot there once again.
For hours, Mom, Miki and I chatted about the things that happened in the past 4 years. I made sure that there's nothing to worry about me and that I met new friends who accepted what I am.
"Are you dating someone right now, Misao?" Miki asked so innocently, it almost caught me off guard. Mom smiled as if she was about to ask the same thing.
I can't help but smile too. "I'm not dating anyone yet but… I have someone I really like."
I caught them throwing glances with one another.
"Does he know that you like him?"
I nodded. "But I'm still trying to win him over."
"What's he like?" This time it's mom.
"He's someone who smiles alot. He's always the center of the crowd. He's friendly and kind enough to ask me to join their group. He faces every problem head on. He's like a ray of sunshine. At first, I was scared of his brightness but as time goes by I thought to myself, I want to be beside the light and protect his smiles. Always." I paused when I realized I said too much. "He's an idiot who likes drinking but he has super low alcohol tolerance."
"What's his name, Misao?" Mom and Miki chuckled when they realized they spoke at the same time, with the same question.
"Toshiro."
Mom's face softened, "I wish I could meet him soon…"
"Me too, brother. I'll visit your place next time."
"Sure, just tell me when." I patted Miki's head. My little sister is so adorable, I'm happy she's doing well.
***
Time flew fast and it's now time to go. Mom and Miki's faces were filled with sadness but I assured them I'll visit them again whenever it's safe to go back. That means, when dad's not around. I even told them its fine if they want to visit me and gave my address to Miki. She promised that dad will never know about this.
I was on my way out the hospital when Miki chased after me.
"What is it, Miki?"
"Misao, I figured you have to know about this… Saki returned not long ago. I met him once and he asked about you. He asked if you returned back home or if you visited? And he asked if I know a way to contact you. I told him the truth, that you haven't returned since you left and we haven't talked to you since then."
Suddenly, my heart started beating so fast my chest aches.
"I just thought he desperately wanted to tell you something. I think… you should meet him." Miki's brows were drawn down as she focuses her eyes on the floor, her hands unconsciously squeezing each other.
I leaned forward to ruffle her hair. She looked up at me. "Thank you for telling me, Miki."
***
I was about to go back home when I suddenly found myself near Saki's house. Maybe I was lost in thought or maybe I want to hear what Saki has to say. I also wanted to know how he's doing. We both left this town without a word with each other that's why I want to talk to him and apologize for all the hurt I caused him and for those of painful memories.
He was my only friend back then. He will always be special to me. And I really want him to be happy, I sincerely hope that he's happy right now.
I was about to go back when a black Mercedes Benz S Class sedan pulled up in front of their house. Then a guy wearing a casual business attire get off from the car with his phone over his right ear.
"Yeah. I just got back home. I'll grab the package then I'll hurry back there." He chuckled and then, as if by instinct, he glanced at my direction and our eyes met. "… Hello, Reo… I think, I will be late."
He ended the call without breaking eye contact with me.
"Hi… Saki."
"Misao?"
---
We were sitting inside his car with uncomfortable silence for about 10 minutes now, no one's trying to break the silence or maybe we just don't know how. I can sense Saki's nervousness from beside me, he even tried to say something but every time, his voice won't come out. He was fidgety and he kept clearing his throat.
I took a deep breath.
"How are you, Saki?" He almost jumped from where he's sitting when I suddenly spoke. "I heard from Miki that you're back."
"Y-Yeah. Just last month. I didn't expect that I'll meet you today Misao that's why I wasn't able to prepare myself and my mind is literally blank right now…"
That made me a bit confused yet amused at the same time. "Right. It's been a long time… Miki also told me that you want to tell me something?" I took a quick glance at him.
Saki's face suddenly turned beet red as our eyes met. I wasn't expecting that reaction from him but he didn't change at all. He has always been this cute innocent boy who blushes so instantly and randomly whenever he's with me. I can't help but smile.
"Eh… Actually, there's a lot I want to tell you. I want to say everything but I'm afraid my mind is all over the place right now, I don't know where to start."
"Hmmm…"
"Misao?"
"You don't have to worry about that Saki. Just tell me whatever is in your mind right now, if you forget something, you can tell me next time when you remember it."
He stared at me for God knows how long then suddenly his shoulders fell down, disappointment clearly showing on his face.
"I wonder when that 'next time' is? Up until now, I feel like this is just a dream. I think about meeting you again every single day that I dreamed you into existence. Meeting you today, sitting beside you and talking to you right now, feels like a sweet delusion for me. And anytime soon, you'll just disappear again without a trace and I won't even have an idea when I will see you again."
I thought for a few minutes then I finally heaved a deep sigh of surrender. "Please don't worry about that, Saki."