<< t o s h i r o >>
6 YEARS AGO.
"TOSHIRO-KUN, PLEASE TELL US THE ANSWER IN ITEM NUMBER 9."
"M-Me?" My knees were trembling as I slowly stood up from my seat. I could feel all of my classmate's eyes boring into me. "Uhmmm…"
I don't like this…
I don't know the answer…
"Negative 40 degrees…" Suddenly, a very silent whisper stopped me from self-destructing. For a second I thought it was the voice of my guardian angel saving me from this terrifyingly embarrassing situation, but when I glanced down to the person sitting beside me, I saw him slightly holding up his notebook with '-40 degrees' written on it in bright red ink.
"Toshiro-kun?" Ms. Yumi, our science teacher, called out for my name once again in her ever gentle voice.
"Ah… it's negative 40 degrees." I have no idea what I'm saying but I'm obviously in a panic and desperate situation. Aside from the fact that I have no idea what the answer was, I don't even know the question to begin with.
"That's right! Celsius and Fahrenheit scales equal at negative 40 degrees. Please check your classmates' paper if they got it right." Ms. Yumi's eyes found me again. "You can sit now, Toshiro-kun."
As soon as I sat down, the guy beside me leaned closer. "Nice one!"
He was grinning so big that almost his entire front teeth were showing. I've always been a shy kid that's why it's not even a surprise that I haven't made friends in the class yet, despite being here for almost 2 weeks already. I don't even know the name of this kid.
----
As soon as the class ended, everyone stood and prepared to leave for the next class. I figured, at least, I have to thank him.
"Uhm… T-Thank you…" I mumbled, hoping he was able to hear my quiet voice.
The corners of his lips instantly curved up, "Don't worry about it."
"Hideki, Let's go!" Another kid from beside him called.
He was about to turn to follow his friend but he suddenly glanced back to look at me. "Let's be friends, Toshiro."
Again, with that big smile on his face.
***
HIDEKI AND I BECAME FRIENDS AND GOT CLOSE PRETTY INSTANTLY. He's fun to be with and, it may come as surprising, and believe me even I was surprised, we get along so well and likes the same stuffs. Because of Hideki, I learned how to be outgoing and get along with people. I found myself laughing a lot when I'm with him and the same goes for him. We would hang out on weekends – in his house or my house, it doesn't matter. Every time we have an assignment, we would always do it together, and he would always help me with mine. I'm not a bright student and I'm not actually fond of studying, that I admit, so during exam period, he would always patiently teach me. Mom was so happy seeing the improvement in my grades and because of that she treated Hideki as if he was her own child.
For a year, we were inseparable.
Until that day.
---
"HIDEKI. LET ME COPY YOUR ASSIGNMENT…"
One of his (old) friends was pestering him so early in the day. There's only a few weeks left into our first year of high school but these kids never ceased doing these – taking advantage of Hideki's kindness. They would always, always, copy Hideki's assignments or ask Hideki to do theirs.
"You should have done that in your houses…" I said to myself but, obviously, with the intention of making them hear my thoughts and sense my annoyance.
"Shut your trap, Toshiro. We knew better that you're also clinging onto Hideki's ass."
"What did you say?!" I was about to charge into him but Hideki stood in front of me. He was looking at me as if saying I should just ignore his old friend. I stared into Hideki's eyes for a moment and then to his old friend. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. When he realized that I already cooled my head, he then turned towards the direction of his old pals.
"Take this. You guys don't have to fight over this kind of thing." He pulled out his notebook from inside his backpack, surrendering it to his bastard friend.
"There you go! Thanks Hideki. Next time you should hang out again with us, it's been a while since we had fun." He wagged Hideki's notebook mid-air until a piece of paper fell from it, gliding back and forth against the air until it rested over the floor. "Oopps, what's that?"
The bastard leaned down, picking up the paper. When I glanced at Hideki, I was surprised to see blood drained out his face as his eyes fixed on the paper in that bastard's hand.
"W-Wait. That's mine." Hideki's voice cracked midway as desperation in his tone resonated my ears.
Something clicked in that bastard's mind. "Eh? What's this? Love letter? Who are you gonna confess to, Hideki? Maybe, I could lend you a hand giving this letter. Tell me, who is this girl? Is she our classmate?"
Hideki shook his head frantically, "N-No. Please give it back to me."
"Oh, don't be such a killjoy Hideki… Aren't we friends?" The bastard unfolded the paper that was neatly folded in half. His eyes widened as he scanned the letter and when his eyes left the paper, it instantly made its way to meet mine.
At that instant, my heart stopped a beat.
"Hideki, you're in love with Toshiro? You're gay?!"
I haven't noticed if the room has been silent for a while now but… at that moment, this guy's word was the only thing I was able to hear. My whole body froze. I wanted to force out a laugh, to change the topic. I wanted Hideki to burst into a fit of laughter and tell us that it was just a mere prank.
But when I looked at Hideki, he was just standing still with his head hanging low as his whole body trembled.
'Why won't you say something, Hideki? Tell us you're just joking. That we're just friends.'
"Hideki, are you planning to pull a prank on me?"
Those words left my mouth before I even realized it. He looked at me with eyes filled with tears ready to fall any second now. He's trying hard not to blink—to hold back his tears. And I can see how painful it was.
"Hey the class is about to start. Return to your seats!" We were too caught up in this painful situation to even realize that our teacher already entered the room.
We just did as we were told in complete silence.
***
I TRIED TO FORGET WHAT HAPPENED. Hideki and I are friends. Maybe, his friend just misunderstood what was in the letter and jumped into his own nasty conclusion. I just wanted for our friendship to remain the same.
Ever since that incident, I and Hideki became the object of every one's ridicule. They found a new way of entertainment in satirizing our friendship. We would often catch people throwing dirty gazes into us while whispering words with one another. I would just tell Hideki not to mind them but the truth was I'm extremely uncomfortable in these situations.
It was after 3 months, only I realized that Hideki noticed it all. All of it.
"Toshiro, your pen…"
Hideki and I bent down at the exact time to grab my pen that fell on the ground, our hands brushed against each other. I immediately pulled my hand away as If I touched something that was burning hot.
At that instant, I glanced at Hideki if he noticed my reaction but he just calmly picked up my pen, settling it down on top of my table with his usual bright grin across his face. His eyes seemed to be smiling but they're glistening with the brewing tears.
Later that night, I received a text message from Hideki.
'Toshiro, let's put a distance with each other for a while. I'm sorry.'
I hate the idea but I know it was my fault why he came to that decision. I ended up not texting back.
Surprisingly, 3 weeks passed by and I dreaded every minute of it. Our first year in High school officially ended. Hideki and I avoided each other just like he wanted. But at the same time, I had a guilty feeling of slight relief.
He avoided even our classmates and was always by himself, which was a very unusual and painful sight. I almost went back to my old self but I've always believed that Hideki and I will push past through this and will be friends again. He was the one who asked us to be friends, that's why I have faith in him.
Couple of months gone by and it's already the start of our sophomore year in High school. I haven't heard a single thing from Hideki all throughout summer vacation and I just let him, because I also need the time and space to think about our situation and prepare myself when I see him again.
I promised myself, no matter what Hideki feels about me, even though I can't return it, I'll accept him. Because he's a very important friend to me.
I arrived at school early on the first day to check the Bulletin Board if Hideki and I were still at the same class but I was disappointed when I didn't find his name in the class list I was in.
'It's fine. We could still see each other even though we're not in the same class'
I kept assuring myself until I've checked all the other sections' lists and none of them have Hideki's name in them. Maybe because I was desperate, or frightened, I also checked the class lists of the higher year, even of first years. But nothing. Hideki's name was not in any of them.
I sprinted all the way to the Faculty's office as if my life depends on it to inform the teachers that they forgot to include Hideki's name on the class list. I remembered how hard I was chasing my breath while speaking.
"Toshiro-kun, Hideki-kun transferred into another school. He didn't tell you?"
"Where's this new school?"
"Hmmm… He didn't inform us where he's transferring. All he said was, his father got transferred to the Eastern Province and their whole family will move out."
As soon as I got home that afternoon, I asked my mom…
"Mom, how far is Eastern Province?"
"Eastern Province? It's far. You have to take the plane to get there. Why did you asked?"
At that moment it dawned on me. Hideki no longer has the intention to see me again. I tried calling his number but it wasn't even ringing, he even deactivated all his social media accounts, no response from email either. He doesn't want to talk to me again.
When he said 'we should put a distance with each other', I never thought that this is the distance he was talking about…
After a few days, I received a letter from Hideki. I was ecstatic, my heart was pounding so hard against my chest. I stared at the letter for a long time. Hideki contacted me, I just couldn't believe it. Maybe it was not too late, we can still made up.
My hands were trembling as I carefully tear open the envelope, careful not to rip the actual letter inside. When I pulled out the piece of paper inside, I immediately recognized it.
It was the exact same letter from that day. His love letter.
I've never read that letter until now. I read every single word carefully, engraving each one into my mind. I read it with Hideki's voice in my mind, as if he was saying it to me rather than reading it.
And they're right. Hideki likes me more than a friend.
Even this time, he never left a contact info, not even a return address.
He won't even give me a chance to reply. And to apologize.
***
WHEN I FIRST NOTICED MISAO, I DON'T KNOW WHY I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED MY OLD SELF. But more than that, my memory of meeting Hideki came rushing back. I could only smile every time I remember the time I couldn't even make friends.
It was because Hideki talked to me first, he asked to be friends first with such endearing smile and friendly aura that I was able to experience the joy of being noticed. That feeling of relief that someone was interested enough to get to know me and hang out with me.
When I approached Misao that day, somehow, I also wanted him to realize the same feelings I've felt before. I really wanted to be close with him, that much is true. And this time, I promised, I will treasure this friendship that I initiated.
***
"THAT'S HOW I LOST HIM…"
Saki-san said under his breath, loud enough for me to hear but at the same time it felt like he didn't want me to. His voice was filled with loneliness but at the same time it sounded like a warning. His back – that was facing me—seemed so small in the darkness. Somehow, I have a feeling that he's crying but the only thing that could tell that was the blanket covering him.
He said this time with a threatening voice, "Would you just let Misao walk out from your life?"
checkmate chapter 07 // end