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"Don't go!" Dixie cried desperately while clinging to my leg.
I fought the urge to abandon my ideas and stay. "I have to Pixie... Remember what I told you? Someone has to protect us."
"It doesn't have to be you!" She protested stubbornly. "If you go, I'll be all alone!"
"Pixie," I faltered, "Pixie, you'll have Miss Maria and Benji. You won't be alone."
"Everyone is leaving me!" She wept. "My mom and dad first. Then Addie and Gus. Now you!"
There was no reason as to why she shouldn't cry. After all, like me, she too had lost a lot of people close to her. She had every right to feel alone, however, it did my heart no good.
"I'll be back." I promised while patting her head. "I won't leave for too long."
She grew quiet.
"Dixie?" My head tilted so that I was able to see her expression better. "Dixie?"
"I- I-" She muttered, "I hate you!"
My eyes widened in surprise.
"I hate you! You- You meanie!" She shoved me as hard as she could, which wasn't that hard, and ran off.
I watched, my heart sinking, as she slammed the door to Miss Maria's room in anger.
"Oh dear." Miss Maria mumbled. "I'll go get her, don't leave just yet."
My hand clasped her hand as I gave her a small tight smile. "No, it's okay. Maybe it's better this way. I've heard people say that anger keeps one alive for a long time."
Miss Maria gave me a stubborn shake. "Nonsense. I'll be back."
She went into the room and I quickly looked at Benji. "Come on Benji, at least you'll come with me outside right?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
We walked to the porch at his pace, where of course, was the farthest he could go.
I slung my bag over my shoulder. "I guess- I guess this is goodbye."
"More like, I'll see you later." He retorted haughtily.
A chuckle escaped. "Yeah, you're right."
In the moment of silence, he reached over to me and pulled me into a hug. I felt his warmth as he squeezed tightly, his shaky breath tickled my neck.
My head seemed to nestle into his neck as I squeezed back.
I'm scared.
It was only natural. I was going, voluntarily, to the hands of the enemy that thirsted for me so. How could I not be scared? Yet I cursed my shaking hands that trembled around his waist.
"Come back safely Snowie." He whispered, his voice trembling. "I don't know what I'd do if my best friend and little sister didn't come back."
I stretched my arms out, shock shown throughout my face. "Benji, am I really your best friend?"
Benji's lopsided grin came out again. "And little sister. You think mother is the only one who thinks of you as family? You and Dixie are the little sisters I never got. So you better come back safely."
I hugged him again. "I will."
"Now get going, you're losing sunlight." He nudged.
Now, with second thoughts, I stumbled down the stairs of the porch and onto the dirt path.
It sucks that I couldn't properly say goodbye to Dixie.
My heart sank lower with each step.
"Bye Snowie. I'll see you later." Benji shouted.
My body turned, now almost out of the path that led back to the cozy house. He waved at me in the wrong direction on purpose, succeeding on making me smile.
"I'll see you later Benji!" I shouted in return and waved, though I knew he couldn't see it.
It wasn't until I was completely off the path that I heard a little cry.
"Snow!"
Instantly, my body turned around and ran. Dixie was also running towards me, her arms stretched wide. We collided halfway and I hugged her fiercely. My eyes were already on the verge of tears.
"S-Snow!" She cried on my shoulder. "I-I'll miss you s-so much!"
"Oh Dixie. I'm going to miss you so much too." My voice croaked.
"I'm going to be counting every day!" Dixie exclaimed through soggy tears.
"Me too Pixie. Me too."
After one final squeeze, I let go. "I'll see you again soon."
She nodded, and as usual, I planted a small kiss on her forehead.
I trudged forward, unable to see their faces in case I caved in and decided not go after all.
It was a decision I came to regret half a year later.
"It should be around here."
I spent two days looking for Addie and Gus's camp. So long had passed by, I was sure everything was back to normal, or at least no soldiers were around anymore. However, I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I saw.
A chill crawled over me when I saw the state of the camp.
Most tents had fallen over, remaining only as heaps of cloth and lumps.
The rest that had survived were decorated with bullet holes and worn by the fierce wind.
I came back for several reasons. First and most important, I wanted to confirm that Addie and Gus were- were still alive. I would search every corpse and conclude that they managed to get away. The second, to find the bottle of black dye Addie had given me. Then, I'd go looking for some things I might find useful.
The black dye was important for my plans.
Though a part of me wanted to forget about that old man, I knew his advice to lay low was precious. If anything, it was advice I should follow with my life. So by finding that black dye, I'd be able to hide my identity in that training camp and pass off as normal.
The tent I shared with Dixie should be around here, I thought as I approached a twisted tree.
Luckily for me, my small tent was still standing. I entered, gasping when I saw the state it was in.
Things had been thrown everywhere, as though someone in a frenzy was searching for something.
Praying my dye was safe, I ran to the mound of hay I once slept on and searched desperately.
A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I finally found it. The small bottle shined and the contents swirled inside as I clutched it close.
Thank goodness.
As I left the tent and turned the corner, I felt as though the air had been knocked out of me. My knees fell to the ground as horror filled in me. Hidden behind several tents, was a large pile of bodies laid on top of each other. Each person face was twisted and showed different expressions. Children mingled between them without discrimination.
That- That woman-
The woman that had accused me before was there, crushed under the others. Her eyes bore into mine, as though cursing me. Blood seeped out of her mouth.
Bile rushed up to my mouth, but before I could vomit, something else caught my eye.
Oh- Oh no.
Near the bottom of the pile, red curly hair stuck out as well as a familiar hand. It was the same hand that would pat my head to comfort. The same hand that held mine and Dixie's. The same hand that would protect me from the others. I was sure of it.
"A-A-" The words couldn't tumble out. "A-"
I couldn't breathe gasping as my lungs struggled for air.
It was my fault- They-
My body had forgotten how to breathe at this point and my eyes were starting to spin.
They-
'Please tell my baby that I love him.'
Her words echoed clear as bells in my head.
I- I have to protect Dixie. And Benji and Miss Maria. I have to find my mother, Dixie's parents, and Addie's son. I can't- stop here.
Doing everything in my power to calm my nerves, I forced my body to remember how to breath. However, nothing could be done about the tears that flowed down my cheeks. After a while, I finally managed to calm myself and pull myself off the floor.
This was the aftermath of greed and war. Death. Useless, unnecessary death.
A loathing grew inside me.
Those greedy people wanted me. As a result, many people died along the way.
Those men will never have me, I gnashed my teeth. I'll live freely and stop them from killing any more people I love.
I squeezed the bottle in my hands.
They won't get away with this.
It took me nearly two days to bury all twenty of them, not neglecting placing a small flower as I did. They stood in lines of two, unevenly spaced and messily buried. Then another to make them little headstones. The feeling of regret swallowed me whole when I realized I didn't remember their names. So instead, I carved down special features I remembered about them in life.
'Blue Eyes'
'Gorgeous Brown Hair'
'Small delicate hands'
'Beautiful laugh'
Despite their poor treatment towards Dixie and I, my eyes wept for each of them. Even the woman who had treated me so harshly. After all, no one deserved to die the way that these people did.
I finally reached Addie's and Gus' grave.
They were buried together. As I'm sure they would've wanted. They were always together in life, I didn't see why they should be separated in death.
'Addie and Gus. Loving friends and parents.'
My lips mumbled words of apology, over and over again as I sobbed.
"Thank you for saving me." My hands shook as I tenderly placed a tied bunch of wild flowers on top of their grave. "I'll make sure to keep Dixie safe. I'll find your son and tell him how much you loved him. I promise."
After kissing the wooden headstone, I stood up and bid my goodbye. With a heavy but determined heart, I walked away without looking back.
If I had, I would've at least realized the calm snow that fell from the sky.