There was a slight breeze that seemed to swallow me whole.
No.
The dirt and my own feet caused me to stumble as I moved forward.
No.
The stumbling became sloppy sprints.
No!
I ran past the cross and up the creaky porch, my heart racing and a million things going through my head. When I slammed the door open, the strong smell of death hit my nose.
Rats squeaked and scattered when rays of sunshine filled the house.
"Dixie!?" I trembled. "Miss Maria! Benji?!"
It was dark as the curtains were closed. However, the open door had revealed a bit of the room. Things were strewn everywhere as though a hurricane had passed through. The tidy room Miss Maria scolded us to keep clean was gone.
"B-Benji?!" I cried again for my friend.
A quiet groan echoed through the room and my eyes widened.
I ran towards the noise, desperate to find someone. Desperate to find answers.
Benji sat on the floor beside the bed, his hands holding something. As I got nearer, I realized he was holding a rotting hand.
My body froze as I looked at the bed in horror.
A rotten corpse sat on the bed. It had been eaten by rats and was still being eaten by insects. The sheets had become moldy and soaked with bodily fluids. Benji was holding it's hand while sitting on the wooden ground, his face sunken and bony. While Dixie- Dixie was nowhere to be found.
He coughed this time and pulled me out of my shock.
"Benji." I drew nearer, the smell growing stronger. "Benji."
It seemed to be the only thing I could say.
"W-Wa-." He uttered.
Water.
He needed water.
Without hesitation, I grabbed the bucket used for water and ran outside. Luckily, their well was not far from the house. I was able to run quickly and return within a minute. When I returned, he seemed to drink the liquid as though it were gold.
My eyes glanced down at the death grip Beni had on the corpse's hand.
He managed to drink almost the entire bucket.
What happened?
Everything was fine when I left. I- I don't understand. Everything was fine. They were fine.
I placed my hand on Benji's, his haggard breathing was the only thing that could be heard.
He was silent.
"B-Benji," I breathed, "what- what happened? Where's- Where's Dixie? And your mom? Where are they?"
He remained silent.
"Benji?"
No response.
My eyes began to tear up and my throat grew tight as frustration gnawed at me.
"Benji." I grabbed his shoulders. "Benji! What the hell happened?!"
There was a moment of silence.
First tears went down his face. Then Benji began to wail uncontrollably, like a child. His cried echoed throughout the room. His hands gripped the body's hand, squeezing the falling flesh that once held him tenderly.
The scene caused my heart to squeeze in my chest. My teeth clenched as tears formed in my eyes.
I gently wrapped my hands around him, holding him tightly.
"It's okay." I whimpered in his ear, telling him sweet lies in an attempt to comfort him. "You're okay now."
Minutes passed and Benji had cried to the point of exhaustion, falling asleep in my arms.
I carried him to the open bed that laid in the private room. He didn't even stir when his stomach growled violently.
The lump in my throat persisted.
After closing the door quietly, I glanced at the corpse. An overwhelming feeling spread in me but I quickly shut it down.
Don't think. Just. Don't. Think.
Just like at camp, I shut my emotions off. I'm not sure I would have been able to touch the corpse at all if I didn't. I wouldn't have been able to place it's rotting arms by it's sides, or adjust it's head. I wouldn't have been able wrap it in those dusty and blood soaked rotting sheets.
Carrying it outside, I gently placed body on the ground.
It didn't take me long to dig a hole beside the other grave and placed the body inside.
Training has done that for me. I had become strong, and my purpose only made me stronger compared to others.
It wasn't revenge on rebels, or a way to survive like them. I wanted to protect the people I loved.
I buried the body in silence, accompanied by the sounds of the forest.
When it was finished, I kneeled down beside the two graves with a blank look on my face.
On the cross, the word 'Dixie' was carved onto the wooden groves. The curves and neatness were proof of Miss Maria's delicate and careful work.
Was she crying as she buried Dixie? Did she cry as she carved the wooden cross and planted on the ground? Or when she placed the flowers on the grave?
Then I felt it.
The strings that I so desperately grasped had snapped.
An agonizing shriek escaped into the woods.
Birds flew away in alert and the trees rustled in alarm. And in that moment, no one was around to hear my cries or comfort me.
My lungs expanded and shrunk as I howled over and over. My hands banging and slapping the ground until my skin tore and blood appeared. I clawed at my chest as tears formed frost on my clothes and on the ground.
It was all for nothing.
Images of the people I had killed flashed in my mind. Repeating over and over.
Ness. The old man. Addie. Gus. That boy who begged. The innocent people during training. Danbi. Dixie. Miss Maria. Then again Ness.
It was for nothing.
I couldn't protect the people close to me.
They were dead.
I hunched over, sobbing over the dirt.
It was all my fault.
If I had just stayed still. No- if I hadn't of existed they would've been fine.
They would've been alive.
It was all my fault that they weren't.
I deserved to die.
A gentle breeze brushed past me. The tears and the suffocating feeling in my lungs were gone as a revelation came over me. My body pulled itself up, as I sat up.
An empty feeling settled in me.
It only took a moment. Just one. But I was decided.
It would be better off if I were dead.