Dixie's condition was better when I left but not long after, it rapidly grew worse. To the point where her sickness claimed her life. She was buried by the porch, where she'd rest for eternity.
Miss Maria and Benji remained. The two of them continued to live their lives like before Dixie and I had arrived. Of course, nothing was the same, the only thing they were hopeful for was my return.
One month before my return, Miss Maria entered the woods, searching the traps like I had taught her. Only this time, she wasn't met with helpless creatures. Instead she found bandits. She found herself with two choices, lead them to her home and potentially lead Benji into danger or... die.
After carefully analyzing her choices, she figured it was better to lead them to their home and let them take what they wanted. What she didn't expect however, for them nearly kill Benji. So she fought.
She managed to convince them to leave after threatening to kill one of them. What Benji failed to notice was how severely injured she was. I don't know if she failed to treat it or if it was impossible to treat.
All I knew is that Miss Maria bled to death on her bed.
Then only Benji remained.
Benji had lost his mother, but had kept faith that I was going to return. He believed I would be back. So, keeping that hope, Benji did what he could to survive.
He would wonder outside the house, tying a rope around him so that he wouldn't get lost. Benji would occasionally fall, creating new bruises on his body.
The bandits had left him close to nothing in the garden. Therefore, within a week there was no food left. Fortunately, they had failed to tip the bucket of water inside the house. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to reach as far as the well, Benji rationed the water, lasting him three weeks.
When there was nothing left, he sat by his mother and held her hand. Hoping that I wouldn't return to see them dead.
But I returned.
Hope was such a fragile thing. I learned that then.
Benji groaned on my back.
I took it as a sign to take a rest, after all he was still malnourished. Not long after I buried Miss Maria, I decided to take Benji to a safe place. Far away from that house.
I couldn't stay with him. Even if I did, even if I chose to live, I would get him killed sooner or later.
After ten minutes of rest, I mounted him on my back again and continued forward. Our destination was the nearest city from his house.
Part of my training was to learn the entire map of Katalyna. If we didn't, we would be severely punished. The whip scars on the back of my legs still remembered the number of mistakes made to avoid suspicion. Therefore I knew where we were going.
It was a week journey and we were only three days in.
I trudged silently, only the crunching of the leaves and Benji quiet groaning was heard.
He began to stir. "Snow?"
I continued to walk.
He mumbled and nestled against my back. "Did you die too?"
"I'm still alive." I spoke softly.
"Where are we?"
No doubt he was confused. One moment he's in the house of his childhood, where he and his mother lived, and the next he was in the middle of the woods. Surrounded by unfamiliar smells and sounds.
"We're heading towards the city."
"What?"
"It'll be easier for you."
"What-" he stuttered, "what about my mom?"
I was quiet for a moment before I responded. "She's by Dixie."
He grew silent for a moment. "Then... they're really gone aren't they Snowie?" Benji's voice cracked as he teared up.
"Yeah." I uttered.
His soft sniffles and tears soaked my back and he began to apologize. "I promised I would keep them safe."
"You did the best you could."
His arms tightened around me as he cried on the nape of my neck. "I'm sorry."
"You-" I started, "It wasn't your fault."
It was mine.
"I- I just let it happen!" He sobbed. "I let them die!"
"There was nothing you could do anyways." My response was curt and quick but caused damage.
A string of awkward silence passed between us.
Perhaps what I said was insensitive, rude, or even cruel, but I was past the point of caring. It was the truth. What could he have done? Nothing.
No.
The truth was, I was still upset at myself. Upset at the mess I had created. Angry that I pulled innocent lives to their deaths for selfishly grasping at life. I should've realized how futile fighting to survive was when the old man was killed for betraying me. I should've realized that staying alive would only cause others to die.
But it didn't matter. Soon everything would be fine.
Benji would be alive and would stay alive, for a long, long time.
As the days passed, Benji grew slightly healthier. He woke up more often, and would ask me simple questions.
On one occasion he gathered the courage to ask me, "What happened to you?"
His question brought me to a full stop.
"What do you mean?"
"What happened to you Snowie?" He repeated his question. "You- you would talk nonstop. You would point at things and describe them to me. Or go through old films you'd memorized. What happened?"
His words brought a dawn of realization.
He was right.
I changed so drastically, I had to. Hardening my heart was the only way I could make it through training. It was the only way I could walk through the forest and to the city with Benji on my back without breaking down. It kept me together.
"I don't know." I lied.
"Snow." His voice grew low and trembled. "You're going to stay with me right? Once we get to the city?"
"Yeah."
"You wouldn't leave your brother and best friend all alone would you?"
His words gnawed at my conscience.
"Who do you think I am?"
"An ice cube." He retorted.
I let out a weak chuckle.
Ice cube was a name he'd call me whenever I was being mean towards him. I had almost forgotten.
"I'm not going to leave you." I lied. "I promise."
It was an empty promise. We didn't lock fingers after all. I hoped he would remember we didn't.
The time we entered the city had to be correct.
It had to be at night, when less people would notice.
Also, If I went in with Benji awake, I would falter and ultimately decide to stay with him. However, if he was exhausted and unconscious, it would be less painful.
So, just before we reached the city, I made a small campfire. I did my best to resurrect the old me that used to make him laugh and smile. It seemed that it worked.
His laughter echoed through the woods along with the crackle of the fire.
I smiled along with him, a sweet bitterness filling in my chest.
This would be the last time that I would see his smile, I thought.
And late into the night, when he had fallen into a deep sleep, I carried him once more.
The city was nothing like I had imagined.
The clean streets in my mind were actually dirty and filled with filth. Lamps that once illuminated the streets were broken and leaning. Houses that were filled with laughter and warmth were cold and dark.
Even then, I felt that this was the safest choice for Benji.
A house with a single glowing candle caught my eye.
An unknown feeling stirred in me and without notice, my feet shifted towards the house.
The house itself was ordinary, from dirty walls and cracked windows but something about it was special.
I stood in front of the house, a dreadful feeling crawling in me and I knew it was time to say goodbye.
Placing Benji on the steps of the house, a shaky breath escaped my lips.
"Thank you."
For being a brother. A friend. Most of all, for loving me, even when I took away your mother.
"Goodbye Benji." I reached over and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Benji's face twitched for a second before relaxing once more.
My mother used to plant kisses on my forehead as a goodnight. I remember the way her lips would curl softly, as if she was hoping that she'd see me again in the morning.
Before the awful feeling came over me, I quickly knocked on the door and ran.
From a distance, I could see a tall well-built man in a cape open the door. He glanced at Benji then looked at his surroundings.
He said something to someone behind him and stepped out.
Behind him, another figure appeared. This man wasn't as tall or as lean as the previous, but his striking gold hair flowed in the moonlight. His head snapped towards my direction, and I made contact with him. His golden eyes seemed to see right through me.
I tensed up, ready to escape.
However, he simply ordered the taller man to carry Benji inside.
The lump in my throughly refused to leave as I watched Benji being hauled in. Then, the door to that ordinary house closed, with Benji in it.
The emptiness settled in again.
A loose rope hung on a roof top, catching my eyes.
For some reason, I found myself in the woods once more. It was once frightening to me. The way it wrapped around me as I was alone for the first time in my life. It turned into a block of mass that was in between of me and my family. Now, it was just there.
The soft rustling of the leaves or the twittering of the birds sounded nothing more than background noise. It was as if my ears were muffled.
It was still night time and I sat on a branch, a noose around my neck.
I remembered the horror I felt when the old man had taught me the knot.
'There might come a day where there's no way out.' Were his words as he swung the rope in a sophisticated way.
Disbelief was the word to describe how I felt then but now- now I'm glad he taught me how to make one.
My lungs filled in slowly as I closed my eyes. My body began to lean forward as I was ready.
[Wait.]
My body flinched to a stop.
"Why?" I breathed out.
[You can't die.]
An anger rushed up and crashed into me like violet waves. My shouts echoed in the forest, "Why? Why?! Why won't you let me die?!"
[You can't die.]
He repeated and I grit my teeth. "You don't control me. I will kill myself. I will do it."
I leaned over again but was stopped yet a again.
[Don't you dare move an inch Snow Roux.]
My hands gripped onto the branch so hard, they began to bleed.
"Please. Please!" I begged. "Just let me die! I wanna die!"
[Get that noose off your neck, and get down from that tree. Now.]
I cried out as I did everything in my power to fight this strange force that compelled me to listen. However, all I could accomplish was the trembling in my hands.
When I landed on the ground and regained control, I jumped back at the truck of the tree.
[Stay down there.]
My body fell to its knees in obedience.
I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and began to wail, laying on the ground while covering my face.
The reality situation began to dawn on me. I wasn't even able to take control of my own life. I couldn't die even if I wanted to. I would forever be a danger to others.
This was my reality.
When my eyes would no longer produce water and my mouth was no longer able to make noise, I uncovered my face.
My eyes felt heavy and tired. The hollow feeling in my chest deeper than ever.
Above me, the trees loomed over me and for some reason, I found comfort in them. Blinking lights glowed in the leaves, calling out to each other.
So those are fireflies.
How uselessly beautiful.