"I've been wandering since."
My head was lowered, my chest beating loudly in my chest. The heavy atmosphere was enough to choke me.
What expression was she looking at me with? Disgust? Fear? Loathing? What about the others?
My fingers fought each other roughly, drawing blood as I refused to look.
Suddenly, warmth filled into my hands.
Arianna grabbed my hands tightly, the ring on her finger shining in my eyes. She lowered her head, causing my eyes to widen when she tapped my hands with her forehead.
A mix of emotions stirred in me.
What was wrong?
The shock pushed me to look up at the others expressions.
Sympathetic looks and tears filled their eyes.
What is- What's happening?
"Snow." Arianna's voice trembled as she did her best to hold tears. "Snow."
I looked down at her as she continued to grasp my hands and warm them with her forehead.
"You- You are so incredibly brave."
My eyebrows scrunched. "What?"
Swiftly, she whipped up her head and looked me dead in the eyes. Her own were glossy and teary but she looked at me with embracing eyes.
"No one. No one deserves to go through what you've been through, and I am incredibly sorry that you have." She squeezed my hand. "You did nothing wrong."
My heart fell as I began to realize where she was going.
My eyes glanced at the others frantically.
Their faces expressed agreement, even the cold-hearted Sharp-eyes and Grouchy simply nodded.
No. I- I'm supposed to be locked away. I'm-
"You did nothing wrong." Arianna repeated.
I shook my head slowly.
"Snow." She let go of my hands to cup my face. "Snow, you did nothing wrong."
"It-" My lungs felt bound, breathing felt harder to do my the second. "I- It was my fault."
Arianna's eyes bore into mine, a gentle sadness swirled in them. "It wasn't Snow."
My hands pushed her away as I stood up and stumbled backwards. "No. No- It was my- My..."
Suddenly, the strength in my legs left and I fell to the ground.
"Snow!"
The crowd rushed over to me, flocking over me worriedly.
"Michael," Dr. Simmons turned over to Mr. Small, "I think we should move this conversation to some other time. What Snow needs right now is some rest."
"I was about to suggest this myself." Mr. Small nodded in agreement.
"Wait-"
I was cut off by Arianna as she hoisted me up. "Doctor's orders. Now let's go, I'll help you get there."
"We'll continue this conversation another day when you're better." Mr. Small smiled charmingly.
Mrs. Claire ushered us out gently, a soft smile on her lips as she did.
The door was closed abruptly the moment we stepped out.
"Come on, let's get you to the infirmary."
Arianna slung her arm under mine and attempted to help me walk. However, due to her disability, the pace we walked in was comparable to a snail. Luckily for us, someone waited for us at the end of the corridor.
"Ari! Snow!"
Tristan ran towards us, glancing at us while we huffed for air.
My eyelids felt heavy.
I was helpless as they switched me over to his arms.
We walked in silence for a few moments before he spoke up. Tristan hesitated, "Earlier- Earlier I ran away. I'm- I'm sorry."
I stumbled again, only this time Tristan caught me.
"Excuse me." He mumbled.
My eyes widened when he reached under my feet and picked me up, bridal style.
At first I resisted but the swinging brought a nostalgic and soothing feeling. His chest filled me with warmth as the exhaustion of my body was finally catching up to me.
"I'm sorry Snow."
I stirred slightly, slurring my words. "It's not your fault."
Then my body fell into a deep sleep.
I woke up again in the infirmary after a weird dream.
In my dream, I was surrounding by crying bushes. Whenever I would run to get away, I would find yet more crying bushes.
"Go and bring her some food please."
My head turned to see Arianna sitting on a stool, that soft smile of hers on her lips. Tristan was already skipping out the infirmary doors.
I stared at her.
Her smiled turned into a sheepish and awkward grin. "What?"
"Why are you here?"
Arianna's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
My body shifted under the sheets. "Why are you here next to me?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"I- You- you know what I've done." I mumbled, shrinking away from her.
She inched forward, her eyes staring deeply into mine. "I won't get tired of saying this. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong."
"But I-"
"You did nothing wrong!" She interrupted me. "You were simply struggling to survive like the rest of us."
"I killed people." I whispered. "I killed Parker's parents. They-" I faltered.
They died because I was struggling to survive.
"Maybe they had no other choice. I would give my life for you too in that case."
Her comment caused my heart to drop and I looked at her desperately.
"I would do it for Lucky. Or Parker. Or pretty much anyone here. But do you know why?" She grabbed my hand gently. "Because I love all of you. That's why their deaths aren't in vain. They loved you Snow. They died protecting someone they loved."
My lips trembled. "How is that worth anything to Parker? Or Benji? Weren't they loved?"
She leaned back. "Was Benji that boy you mentioned?"
I nodded.
"Did he ever say that he blamed you? That he hated you for the fact his mother died?"
He never did. But I'm sure there were moments. Moments in which he hated me with every fiber of his breathing body.
"That type of hate is something that can't be pushed away or hidden. He didn't hate you and neither does Parker. Parker's just a bit confused right now."
Her words were trying to comfort me, this much I understood, but it only confused me more.
Was their love for me greater than their own son? For Benji?
Why sacrifice your life for someone like me? For someone who only brings misfortune and death.
"Would you die for me?" Her question was sudden but I answered in a heartbeat.
My head bobbed up and down as she smiled.
"See? Would you say that I killed you?"
I shook my head. "You're different."
My response caused her to tilt her head. "How so?"
Because you're actually worth dying for.
She squeezed my hand as if she saw the dilema in my heart. "You are worth dying for. I know you don't believe me, which is fine, because I'll believe that for the both of us. I'll repeat it over and over again, until you believe it for yourself."
I looked away uncomfortably.
She just doesn't understand, I thought.
Their blood, however much intentional, was on my hands. And no matter what, I was forced to live with that weight.
"You'll understand someday." She rested her head on my bed, a soft smile on her lips. "Love makes you do crazy things."
I stared at my hands that were mangled due to the picking from earlier.
The term 'Love makes you do crazy things' was said often in my mom's romance movies. I always figured movies were over-exaggerated and fake, but maybe- just maybe she was right. Maybe I didn't understand yet.
After all, I've never been placed in a position where I had to sacrifice myself for someone.
How did they feel when they chose my life over theirs?
My chest tightened as confusion settled in again.
But why me?
It just didn't make sense.
"Snow?"
I laid back on the bed, my eyes looking up at ceiling.
Why me?
"I brought food!" Tristan's voice rang out happily.
I glanced over to him, he carried a tray in his hands that would occasionally wobble. It was a miracle the bowl hadn't spilled yet.
"Frank(?) told me it was a potato soup but it honestly just looks like water to me." He shrugged.
Arianna took it from his hands.
The contents in the bowl sloshed around, failing to stir up an appetite.
"Thank you, but I'm not hungry." I glanced away.
Arianna returned the plate and leaned over. "You haven't eaten in days. You might not feel hungry but your body is crying for food."
I didn't respond.
"Will you eat at least half? For your body's health?"
I hesitated a bit before nodding slowly.
"If you want I could feed you!" Tristan grinned mischievously.
"If anyone's gonna feed her, it's gonna be me!" Arianna shoved him away.
"Why would it be you?!"
"I'm practically her best friend!"
"And?!"
They continued to argue yet my eyes were fixed on the plate in front of me.
My appetite failed to stir. It was replaced by nausea instead.
Even so, I promised Arianna I would eat. My hands reached for the spoon and dipped it into the bowl. Big pieces of potato swirled in a milky broth. Bile rushed up to my throat but I quickly held it back.
A spoonful came up to my lips almost ominously.
I opened my mouth to eat, my stomach threatening me against it.
Just as the spoon was about to touch my lips, Arianna's hand stopped me.
"You know what, just eat a spoonful. "
"But you-"
"I was wrong." She smiled. "You should never force yourself to do something unless it's necessary. Right now, we can take our time."
I stared at her, unsure of what to follow exactly.
Arianna frowned, her eyebrows creasing as she did. "What? Can't a person make mistakes?" She pointed at Tristan with her thumb. "He does them all the time."
"What? No I don't!" Tristan sat up.
We both sent him stares.
He struck back down into his seat. "I'm working on it okay?"
Arianna gave him a smile and looked back at me. "Just spoonful is okay, alright?"
I nodded.
"Arianna."
Three heads turned in the direction of the exit.
Lucky stood there with red cheeks and a bitter expression. She glanced at Arianna and me.
Arianna's face brightened when she saw her. She stood up and walked over to Lucky. "Hey Clover."
Lucky' grim expression didn't change. "We need to talk."
"Sure, what's up?"
Lucky looked over at us with a hard look. "Outside."
Arianna noticed Lucky's glare and a knowing smile came over her. "Okay, come on."
Tristán and I watched in silence as they walked out, shutting the door.
"Lucky is too easy to make jealous." He murmured.
I frowned. "Jealous?"
He stared at me. "You know what that is right?" I nodded. "Well isn't it obvious that she's jealous of you?"
"Why?"
"You're not serious are you?" He deadpanned but drew back when my face didn't change. "She's jealous because Ari loves you like crazy."
He's joking isn't he?
"I'm not joking." He smiled as though he read my mind."
"But Arianna doesn't shut up about Lucky."
He shrugged. "Lucky doesn't know that. To be fair, she's not the only one."
My eyebrows scrunched.
"To be jealous." He mumbled. "Ive been here for most of my life and had no one. I mean, I had 'friends', but I think they just followed me around because they were scared. Yet when you arrive, you had everyone. Arianna, that jerk, the girls, they all loved you."
"But you're not alone anymore, are you?"
Tristan was no longer excluded from the group. Although, the others found him obnoxious sometimes, they never failed to receive his input. Or leave him out in any activity. He was always there.
His eyes widened and his lips curved into a sheepish grin. "No. I guess not." After a few seconds of looking at me, Tristan shifted towards me. "You know, you're a lot special than you think Snow."
"What do you mean?"
He smiled. "I'm just glad you're my friend."
My heart twinkled in my chest.
Why do his words make me feel warm?