I'm made improvements in my life. I'm trying so hard to move on from my stupid ex, and suddenly he ruins it.
Monday: 8 March
I'm happy where I am. I'm lying on my boyfriend's chest so why wouldn't I be. Yesterday I was ready to go home, but somehow he convinced me to stay and I stayed cause I felt guilty. I've been straight up rude and all he's been is sweet. He deserves a break from my grumpy mood and more of love. So yeap, we made love all night.
I wake up to my screaming phone. Travis toss it to my side and I'm thinking it's the alarm and to my surprise, it isn't. Duncan is calling.
"Hello", I try to whisper since Travis is right next to me, my heart has stopped and I don't know what to do. Should I get off bed and speak privately, or should I speak like he's some friend of mine.
"Hey, what's up?",
"Nothing much, how are you?", I'm trying so hard for my voice not to shake. Duncan called me, I didn't send him call back and I left no missed call. He decided to call me on his own.
"Sounds like you still in bed. Aren't you working today?", he asks.
Gosh, how I wish for Travis to get off this bed and go to the bathroom or something. I'm very much aware that he's listening to my conversations with Duncan.
"No, I'm off",
"Alright. Em, I wanted to pass by your workplace", he says. "I haven't seen you in a while",
"Nah", I chuckle. Gosh how do I even reply in this position. "Why would you wanna do that?",
"To see you, and I wanna check out your store's sale", he replies. He can probably sense that I'm not in a good place to talk.
"Oh, I'm not working today. But you go check the sale, I'm sure you'd find something nice to buy", I say.
"You sound upset",
"I just woke up", I reply.
"When are you working? I wanna see you",
Now? Why now? I gave him so many chances to make this decision. I asked him to reconsider his decisions and right now when I'm in bed with another guy, naked, that's when he wishes to see me.
"No", I chuckle. Trust me, I want so bad to say yes. But I fear Travis is listening in every word we saying. Gosh how I wish I was working today.
"Why not?", he asks.
"Cause I'm afraid of your girlfriend who acts so much like Hulk", I reply. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
"Oh come on, I just wanna see you, nothing much", he's not denying the fact that he's got a girlfriend.
"I said no", I snap.
"Okay. Em, see you some other day", he says. My heart drops from his response, he sounds a bit disappointed and I wish I could have said something different. Maybe he wanted to apologize and we'd rekindle. I'm an idiot aren't I? I've been hoping and praying for him to say all this and now that he has, I push him back. Wow.
After hanging up I try to sleep. Sleep is way gone and there's no way I can get my body to regain it. I check my watch and it's 7:30AM.
With all that, Duncan's thoughts are full on my mind. All my plans of not thinking about him are a total fail.
"Who was that?", Travis asks. I knew he was listening in.
"Why?",
"I'm just asking", he says. He's laying with his back facing me, with my lack of trying to relax, I'm not in a sitting position.
"Since when do you interrogate me over the calls I receive?", I ask. I'm bad with lying, I don't know what to say to Travis. Who should I say it was.
"Your change of voice gives you away. I know when you're talking to one of your guy friends, and with this one it was different", he turns facing me and now how the hell would I lie to his face.
"What makes you think I was talking to a guy",
"I could her his voice, just couldn't make out what he's saying",
"So now you eavesdrop on my conversations?", I ask.
"Why are you fighting? I'm only asking", he says. He's tone is too calm, I can't even get upset cause that'll mean I'm guilty for something totally useless.
"I'm not fighting-",
"Is it some side boyfriend you have or?", he cuts my words short. "Cause if it is, I mean-",
"Fuck no, It was my ex", I quickly reply.
"Your ex?", he frowns.
"Yeap, Duncan. He just called to check if I'm at work",
"Oh", that's all he says. He turns back and pretends to sleep.
"I don't know why he'd call now. When I wanted him to call he never did. So now he calls", I blabber out making him turn to face me again.
"Maybe he wants to talk things out with you", he says. Travis knows how badly I was in love with Duncan. I don't know if he can see that I've never really lost those feelings I had for him.
"It's too late now", I shake my head. "You know what, I won't let him ruin my day",
Travis just stares at me without saying anything. Maybe he can see right through me and just won't say anything about it.
I try to toss all Duncan's thoughts at the back of my mind but I can't. I can't help wonder what he wants from me. What's his real reason for wanting to see me. Or maybe I'm over thinking the whole thing, you'd never know with Duncan, could be he wanted to see if I'm stressing too much over him or to check how far with fucking around am I at. So maybe choosing to deny him what he was is the best option ever, I won't let him get under my skin, not now. I won't let him ruin ms again.
I know my heart and my whole body wants to see him, that the thought of him calling means more than what he could bring to the table. I've got all negative thoughts about why he wanted to see me but I still wish to see him. And hell no, I won't let my heart win, I'm listening to my head now.
Its really a disappointment that I've spent days, months, hours, trying to forget him, and just hearing his voice distroys all my hard work.
...
Its starting again. It's here. I don't know what to call it, I guess I always feel like this nomatter who I'm with. It's just whenever I feel too happy, I get to be extremely sad. It's like my happiness and sadness gives each other chances. Now I'm starting to think that this whole feeling comes from within me, with Dancan I got like this when he was acting up, with Travis I get like this whenever Duncan occupies my mind. I can't take the feeling anymore. Travis can tolerate it but I'm sick of it.
Like now, I'm upset and I don't know why. Could be I'm unconsciously upset. Or I'm too damaged, more than I thought I was. Cause I'm really hurt, I'm still hurt and I try to ignore it but it finds a way to make me feel miserable.
I do wanna be happy. Only because I deserve it. Or maybe happiness isn't in my favor.
But why do I always have to go through this? Why am I like this? It's all my fault right? The reason Duncan cheated is all on me. He got tired of my moods. He couldn't handle it anymore. He tried so hard to be the best boyfriend and I made him feel like it's all in vein, like all his efforts mean nothing. One minute it's all "I love you" and the next minute feels like I'm forced to love. My tantrums are exhausting. They exhaust the heck out of me. And then suddenly I feel like people don't get me, while I'm the one pushing people away.
No one wants to deal with the kind of person that I am. No one can stand my moods. People get tired, besides, I push everybody away, even my friends. Could be my parents are tired of it too, who knows?
Just after feeling all that pressure and frustration over myself, I go down on my knees and I pray. Maybe all I need is prayer.
A week has passed and I feel this 'missing Duncan shit' is too much to handle now.
Saturday: 20 March
Most days are easy to make up from, but today, today it's difficult. I'd blame it on being sick but it's pretty clear it's all matter of the heart type of roll. I miss my ex. I totally miss him and it's way worse than it should be.
I pull out my phone from my backpack as I cross the road at the robots heading to work. It's a cool day and it's not busy as it'll be by midday. I start dialing Duncan's numbers since I know them by heart. My nerves are all over the place as I put the phone against my ear, listening to the irritating dialer tune.
"Hey", he answers. I didn't think he'd pick up. His voice is so calm and I'd swear he doesn't wanna talk to me if I knew any better.
"Hi", the line is quiet for a while before I say, "How are you?", it feels totally awkward but I'm not gonna py much attention on that.
"I'm alright, how are you?", Gosh it feels recital. But who am I kidding? Everything about what I'm doing feels wrong cause I don't wanna feel any good out of it.
"Good. Are you busy?", I ask. As I listen to his voice I feel so bad for calling, I never should have called. And I hope he says he's too busy so I can hang up.
"I'm working. I'm actually waiting for it to be my turn to get my taxi moving", well, he's busy then. Hangup. Hangup.
"Oh I wanted to see you but if you're busy it's okay", I say quickly.
"It's fine, we can meet up", he says. Nerves start running through my entire body. I feel like I've been called for an interview and it's the job I always wanted. I've got terrible butterflies and I feel like everyone around me can see that. I never really thought I'd feel like this again, especially for Duncan. But, you know what they say, everything happens for a reason, and I'm hoping I'm meeting up with my reason.
I call him to confirm where he is so we wouldn't lose one another along the way. When I get to the spot he's suppose to be at I don't find him, so I pull out my phone and call him again. He tells me to wait cause he's close by, so I wait. As I pass time scrolling through my phone, I feel familiar hands wrap around me. I know it's him when I turn.
"Hey", I smile the biggest smile I never thought I had. I'm jumpy as hell and I have no idea why I asked to see him, or atleast I don't know how I'd tell him.
"Hello", he smiles back. He looks different. Bigger than the last time I saw him. He's still cute and still clean as when I left him, he even smells good.
We turn back and he walks me to work over a light conversation about basically nothing. He doesn't ask about my new relationship and I don't ask about his. We just tell one another that "it's good to see you again" while knowing pretty well that it's hurting to see him again. Talking to him was like peeling the hard skin of my healing wound.
"I have to go", he pulls me into a warm hug and boy oh boy I wish I'd stay in his arms forever. But he dumped me, let's not forget that, and he's got his reason for doing so.
I nod my goodbye and watch him leave. He didnt say or even hint on the fact that he misses me. I wanna tell myself that he doesn't miss me, but his actions this time were different, he looked like he does miss me. Or it's just me seeing things that ain't there.
I thought seeing him would make me feel better. I thought it'll make me see why I should move on but nah, this whole thing is torture. Why I even bother with this shit is just out of the question. Seeing him still stings. It's sharp knives straight to my heart and I have no logical explaination on why I keep torturing myself like this. I know why Duncan and I broke up, and I respect why he decided to move on without me but knowing all that kills me. His life is perfect without me and that isn't what I wanted, I wanted his life to be perfect with me. I just hope I find my way to my perfect life without him too.